I almost ran over Bill today. I turned the corner onto my street — a bit too fast, as is my bent — and there he was, limping across the road, cane in hand. He carried a bag, too, just like that night we met. I wondered if its contents were the same.
Instantly, I slowed down and he glanced my way. I wasn’t sure if he’d recognize me in the daylight, but I thought I saw the briefest glimmer. When his glance turned to wariness and quickly shifted away, I knew he remembered me, remembered how we met.
And I still don’t know what to do.
How do you recover from meeting someone at a moment of such naked vulnerability, such stark indignity? How do you roll down your window, say hello, how are you, when, on the night you’d met, he had lain in the road and wet himself and you had prattled on and on …. all while waiting for the ambulance to come and take him away?
As I drove by, he ducked his head down and tears stung at my eyelids because I knew he didn’t want to see me, really, and because I understood why he didn’t want to see me and because I so wished it could be different.
Driving down the block, I offered up a feeble, tongue-tied prayer. I even told God I thought it was so. But maybe, just maybe, when it hit the heavenlies, God helped it to soar rather than thud, as it did down here.
After all, “The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” Romans 8: 26
Thank God.
Because I still don’t know what to do.
Reminds me of “Intervention” on A&E… And more than a few former friends. What *can* we do? Many times, exactly what you have done — pray. Good girl. 😉 I am ashamed that I forget to far too often. Or better, think there is nothing I *can* do. I demote God then, don’t I? 🙁
Paul was right, groanings and unutterables abound, yet God still speaks their language — praise, praise. Where would we be if He didn’t understand or would not accept our “prayers”, formed only of squalid sobbing and nauseated fear? What an awesome God…
well said, wordgirl. my thoughts exactly (well, not EXACTLY, but… you know what i mean)
How do I say this…I’m glad that this post follows so closely on the heels of the last one (Spinning Wheels), because events like the one you talk about here remind us of how few answers we really have. I certainly feel chastened by this – maybe I should be less quick to give answers to questions in general.
-M@
Tracy, I have been blurking around your site for a couple months now, and have been especially touched by your “bill saga”. I don’t have the answers, either, just wanted you to know that it has touched something deep inside me, and I am praying for guidance for you in this matter.
Lyn
Lyn — Thank you so much, for your kindness and your prayers.
You can blurk around here any time.
(I call it “bleep” — blog + peep = bleep.
So in my lexicon, you’re a bleeper!) 😉
I don’t mean this to be taken personally, as in criticism, I do want to say that sometimes I think we are too hesitant. We guard our desire to be sensitive too much and sometimes miss what people need most for fear that they will resent it. It becomes risky for us to be rejected, and to have the self-doubts that raises.
There are many who do not want to the very things they need, but it seems that it would be a good thing to offer it, and worry about the indignity of it later.
So well written, and such a heart you have displayed. Bless you. and God bless Bill