When she was a toddler, Piper always used to say “owwwbie!” whenever she got hurt; an expression I always loved and would like to steal right now:
Owwwbie!!
I am writing with one hand, peeps, because today at Boheme, I smashed my the tips of the middle and ring fingers on my left hand under a huge 10-foot umbrella. Rather, it smashed down on them — the tips, the tender baby tips! — and now they look like teensy little shovels, all flattened and steel-colored.
But I am basically two things which made me contributorily negligent in my disfuguring — (I won’t fix that typo, too much trouble right now, plus, I think I like the word “disfuguring”) — injury.
So — okay. The two things I am that made me Con. Neg. in this:
1) Too short to handle a very tall and heavy table umbrella
Annnd …
2) Grossly, hideously stubborn.
Basically, here’s the truth, the disfuguring truth — a 5’4″ woman married to a 6’3″ man becomes impatient waiting for his assistance. Oh — which activates the stubborn which activates the stupid which activates her decision to lift a giant heavy umbrella out of its little umbrella hole and depoof the unwieldy thing all by herself. Things go horribly awry. Can you see that all in your mind’s eye? The stubborn, the stupid, the smashing? Yup. I thought so.
Also of note: Just over yonder ’bout 5 feet away, stands a young, strapping Hispanic lad, watching the entire episode: huge cumbrous umbrella, stupid struggling woman, big smash-down moment. He doesn’t even move, but leisurely sips his vitamin water while stupid woman literally wails in pain, like a big blubbing baby. It’s like he’s watching a movie. Chivalry is dead, I swear. And, you know what? I DID swear.
So please — will you pray for my steel-colored shovel fingers? And for the person they’re still miraculously attached to — thank God — to become less stubborn and stupid and to learn more insults in Spanish?
Gracias a todos!
(Forgive any typos. Forgive me if blogging is light and one-handed and for the really stupid post in my drafts that I’m now probably gonna post. Forgive me if it chases you all off for good.)
But I am disfugured, you see. Inside and out.
I can so feel your pain Tracey! I have the same stupid stubborn streak and the bruises to prove it! Back in undergrad, I was stage managing a show that required an upright piano onstage. The piano had been moved off of its platform prior to rehearsal that night and instead of waiting for someone to come and help me get it back on the platform (6″ high). Little ol 5’2″ me decides I can do it myself. I got it halfway up before it overbalanced and tipped back on me. My leg got trapped between it and the couch behind me and it slid down my leg to the floor trapping my ankle underneath. I somehow managed to lift it up to release my ankle and then managed to get it back into an upright position b4 anyone arrived for rehearsal… I was left with a bruise covering the whole inside and topside of my leg from my upper thigh down to my ankle! Boy did I feel stupid!!! You can bet I never told anyone about that piece of stupidity but they did wonder why I was limping for two weeks afterwards!
Sam — Owwwbie!! That is so awful. MUCH worse than my shovel fingers.
Last night I forgot my shin pads, not expecting to play any defense. I attempted to block a shot – which is stupid anyway, sticking one’s naked shinbone out to be smashed with hockey sticks – but to do it, I doubled my stupidity by sliding out for it.
This is, luckily, ball hockey, so the shot itself only stings like hell. Unluckily, the surface isn’t ice, so I left a long trail of peeled skin on the rink.
Not as good as Sam’s, though.