weekend stuff ‘n’ thangs

MB: Now, shhh! It’s not often that I’m inspirational, so you’d better just drink it up!

SELF: Oh. You know I’m taking a big ol’ swiggy.

******

Listening to “She’s Like the Wind” on the 80’s radio station we had playing at Boheme:

MB: Is that Swayze?? (beat) Well … turn it UP, man!

******

Randomly picking on the amiable silence in the car …

“Man! We just don’t connect anymore! We used to be like this: (Hands flying toward each other, fingertips touching) Now were just: (Hands flying toward each other, missing wildly) It’s awful!! It’s like you’re Napolean and I’m — Juliet!”

Eye rolls from the driver’s seat.

“It’s like you’re Cookie Monster and I’m — ice cream!!”

Sighs …

“It’s like you’re Michael Jackson and I’m — a WOMAN!!”

“Oh, brother.”

We both start howling. We are sick.

******

I fell in love with someone else’s puppy. If all goes according to plan, I will be kidnapping her next weekend. Shhh.

Her name is Fern and she is an 8-week-old Chocolate Lab and Mastiff mix. She is fubsy and rolly, with extremely chocolate fur and green green eyes. Some undeserving Little Dude was her owner. He showed me how she already knew the commands to “Sit” and “Lie Down” and then I loved her even more, because she wasn’t just fubsy and rolly, she was a smartypants, too. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself shoving Little Dude over, really HARD, because he was wispy and maybe hungover, and grabbing what was rightfully mine: Fern.

FERN.

FERRRRNNNNN!

I love you, Fern!! Run away from that wispy Little Dude! Follow the secret trail of pig ears that leads to meeeeeee!!

******

Also: We saw a little kid getting spanked on the side of the road, old school. Dad had clearly pulled the car over — it was all catawumpus against the curb — taken the little cherub over his knee — this while Dad was standing with one leg braced against the car — and swatted the unruly peep hard on his naughty little bum. The boy’s legs were kicking wildly behind him and his face, turned toward us, was completely squinched in pain and protest.

I’m sorry.

But it was hilarious.

A half-block past the scene, we pulled a U-ey just to drive past it again.

It cannot be overstated: We are sick.