I’m under the weather and I know myself well enough to know that I should never blog when I’m under the weather because everything is feverish and naked and buzzing too close to the surface.
The fact that I know this about myself never seems to stop me, however.
So.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple of weeks now and figured I’d plan it out and think it through, but it’s wanting to be written right now, it seems. It’s the thing that keeps buzzing like a fly near the surface of my thoughts, banging around for an exit.
I have questions, I do, about this thing called blogging. A horrible, ugly word, really, but that’s neither here nor there. I have questions about blog relationships, is what it is. I’m realizing I have expectations about blog relationships or “blog buddies.” And by “blog buddies” I mean people who regularly read one’s blog or people who read each other’s blogs or have each other on their blogrolls. I’m venturing into dicey territory here, I know, which is why this post hasn’t been written sooner and likely why I’m writing it now when I’m achy and cloudy and lack all common sense.
There’s a trend on my blog that’s really starting to disturb me and I’m becoming wary and listless about the blog because of it. It’s a trend of “blog buddies” saying something offensive or hurtful in the comments, getting a response from me, and then disappearing forever — I can only assume — in anger. In two recent incidents, the blog buddies, rather than apologizing for their condescending comments, disappeared forever AND immediately deleted me from their blogrolls, a kind of passive-aggression I detest and that I had — coincidentally — talked about in a recent post because the same thing had happened before, oh, about a year ago. In the most recent incident, I actually received emails critical of the offending comment but never heard again from that particular “blog buddy.”
(Allow me to interject here: I am not talking about anyone who is currently reading this blog or this post. I’ve monitored my stats carefully and I just know, okay? If you are wondering if it’s you, IT’S NOT. If these people happen to catch this post — very unlikely — they will know it’s them. Please believe me on this. If you have to wonder if it’s you, please know that IT’S NOT.)
Now I understand — sorta — if the (former) blog buddies didn’t care for the way I responded. Maybe I was too blunt or something. I’m always willing to consider that I could handle these things better. But I don’t understand not saying something. I don’t get that at all. If they were upset at how I said what I said or that I said anything at all, you know, okay. Say so. But say so in the context of addressing the comment that set the ball in motion. Their comment. Basically, they went away and banished me from their blogroll as — what? A punishment for addressing their offensive comment?
Now here’s a thing about me: I HATE unresolved issues. HATE them. I will do whatever I feel is in my power to work things out with someone, to try to come to some closure, clarity, whatever you want to call it. But I honestly don’t know how to deal with people who want to be passive-aggressive like this. I don’t want to run after them and hound them to work it out. Believe it or not, I have limits on how pathetic I’m willing to appear. Nonetheless, I’ve tried to reach out to them by still leaving comments on their blogs, etc., but it boils down to this for me: By doing what they did, it shows me something about them. It shows me they can’t or won’t work things out and I can’t possibly make them. It shows me a kind of black-and-white thinking. A certain rigidity that doesn’t bode well for reconciliation.
And I take things like this too much to heart. I’m probably too sensitive. That’s good sometimes and bad most of the time. I know that about myself. But this last incident has hit me hard, I suppose, because of how I initially perceived this person. It’s easy, isn’t it, to assume whatever we want to assume about the faceless people here in cyberspace? Assume goodness. Assume maturity. Assume compassion. Assume — haha — that they are the same as you, would do the same as you.
And it’s also easy, if we read a blog and like what we read, to assume that’s the totality of the person being revealed to us — even though intellectually, on some level, we know that can’t be true. We can’t possibly be seeing the entire person. But maybe we so want to connect that we make people over in our own image. They’re not in front of us in the nitty-gritty of face-to-face interaction, so perhaps we unconsciously sand off the rough spots until the person is polished and smooth and just the way we want them: basically one-dimensional. It’s weird, isn’t it, because it’s almost a kind of well-meaning thievery. In nicely smoothing out the edges, we rob a person’s humanity. And if we’ve imputed only the best of qualities to our blog buddies and politely pilfered their humanity, when an unpleasant moment arises, an offense occurs, it’s a lot easier to walk away. We’re suddenly shocked to discover a crack in the surface we created, so we verbally blast them or leave or both. “Hmph. That person isn’t who I thought. I’m outta here. Hmph.” There are real people on the other side of these screens, but are we only happy to connect with the real people on the other side of these screens until they stop being nice and manageable and exactly how we imagine them to be? Is it just boo-bye, then, I guess? Suddenly simple to write off a bunch of words on a screen when you’ve been friendly with the person behind those words for a couple of years?
I think what I’m wondering here is this: How do we navigate through these cyber relationships? How do we remember — and treat — each person as if we’re always mindful of their humanity? That they have strengths and weaknesses at the same time? How do we handle conflict with blog buddies? What do we expect of them? What do they expect of us? What do you expect of me?
I want to say this to all of you: If ever I offend or hurt or anger you, I really would like to be told — as nicely as you possibly can. Because if we were friends in a face-to-face way, I’d want that. The health of the relationship would demand it, I think. I’m asking you here and now to please say something. I’d rather my blog buddies never stomp off this blog, but, again, I can’t necessarily stop that. As recent history has proven. Maybe I need to change the way I handle these incidents. Actually, I’m sure that’s true. I’m sure I need to think about that more.
Conflicts arise; we’re only human. So how do we allow each other to be human, embrace the humanity that really does exist in this cyber world, when it’s just so much easier to make it all disappear with the click of a mouse?
