Someone — a fellow Christian and reader of this blog — de-lurked to comment for the first time ever on this post, taking me to task for not “honoring my mother.” I’ve deleted the comment and I’m not going to address this reader personally here, but I will address the concept.
No. Actually, I’m too angry right now and not likely to say anything clear or useful, so I’ll come back later and finish this.
Okay. Somewhat calmed down. But here’s the deal, off the cuff:
I’ve agonized for a long time over whether to post anything about my mom. I’ve struggled myself with the notion of whether doing so honors her or not. In all honesty, I’m still not sure. BUT … but, I ask all of you, any of you, what does honoring mean? What does it look like? What does it say? What does it do? I’m not asking as a deflection; I’m asking because I genuinely wonder. I really do.
I look at it this way: I want to write from a place of honesty, a place of truth, even a place that’s sometimes harsh. I don’t want to hide. So much that I read from Christian writers — on blogs and elsewhere — sounds like answers from a beauty pageant contestant. Everything is so damned uplifting. So posed. So glossy. So “Ohh, heaven loves God!” The Christian life ends up being publicly portrayed as some kind of Disneyland that all Christians privately know it AIN’T — if they’re being honest. So why hide? Why? Because we feel guilty for our despairs? Because we need to believe in some Disneyland that is never promised in Scripture? Because we don’t want to frighten non-Christians by admitting that they’ll still struggle — even with Jesus? I’m sorry. But part of the glory of life IS the struggle and the Jesus I know is more interested in changing the landscape of my heart than changing the landscape of my life. So, again, why hide? Are we doing Christianity any great shakes by sounding like we’re all Miss America? By peddling some put-on happyhappyjoyjoy? Jesus never ever sounded like that. I’m reminded of a past reader who, when commenting on a post from last year about our looming financial disaster, quoted me this: The sun’ll come out tomorrow! Betcher bottom dollar that tomorrow blahblahBLAAAH!” Please. What good does that do? I remember I was so pissed off at that. I cannot stand it when Christians want to gloss over real issues and real pain with little bromides that do nothing but make them feel better about themselves by believing — wrongly — that they’ve offered something valuable to someone.
I don’t know if I’m even addressing the issue here — I’m bee-bopping and scatting all over the place. Sorry. I’m just really upset, so frustrated.
Okay.
So did that post honor my mother? I don’t know. Really, I don’t. That’s the best answer I can give and I realize it sounds lame. But would a pretty facade be more honoring? Or just not talking about it? You know, not airing the dirty family laundry, shoving it under the bed? Was I just an indiscreet ass in this whole scenario? I’m always willing to consider that as a possiblity. But in some ways, the very act of writing — of trying to write anything with a ring of truth — is, at its core, an indiscretion. And I guess I wonder — how did I dishonor her? No one here knows her. Or knows her name. Or would recognize her on the street. So then did I just dishonor the idea of her? The idea being that mothers and fathers are always and only thought to be all that is good and right and lovely? In which case, not being a mom is an even bigger gyp than I’ve always thought.
Look. I posted that piece because I hoped it was truthful and because in writing about it, I helped myself process it, helped myself clarify it. Sorta. I posted it because I needed to. And yes, I suppose that’s selfish. Writing is selfish in certain ways. But I had hoped, too, that it might strike a chord with others who read it. Maybe someone would feel less alone in their own relational struggles. I don’t know. I described — to the best of my ability — an incident that happened to me, to her, to both of us. It was not pretty or glossy or nice, I know, but that wasn’t the point. Any reader who expects me to be some cookie-cutter Christian spewing platitudes and niceties is reading the wrong blog. I am a Christian, yes. And I struggle. And I struggle with being a Christian. And things happen to us in our lives that are not pretty or glossy or nice and those are things that writers should write about because they have meaning and truth and speak to what it means to be human. It can be a raw and ugly deal — life — almost incomprehensible sometimes and I am not going to Pollyanna it up because it may be someone else’s idea of what Jesus would do. Blogs and writers who do that hold no interest for me; there’s nothing there — or whatever IS there is trapped under a deep unwillingness to delve into what’s there.
I’m sorry. I’m just … ugh.
What’s my bottom-line response here? Well, I’m going to try to write as truthfully and as nakedly as I can. I don’t know how to do otherwise, really; it’s not in me. How to honor my mother, how that plays out in real life, is something that comes from God. It’s between Him and me and maybe, just maybe, it’s different from one family or one relationship to the next. I just know my ultimate accountability is to Him and I don’t say that blithely, believe me. I write that with a little shudder down my spine. I’m sorry this particular reader feels disappointed in me, but I have to admit, I’m not likely to change my approach to this blog for one reader. I guess maybe, rightly or wrongly, I like to hope there’s some kind of honor in even the attempt at truth.