Someone — a fellow Christian and reader of this blog — de-lurked to comment for the first time ever on this post, taking me to task for not “honoring my mother.” I’ve deleted the comment and I’m not going to address this reader personally here, but I will address the concept.
No. Actually, I’m too angry right now and not likely to say anything clear or useful, so I’ll come back later and finish this.
Okay. Somewhat calmed down. But here’s the deal, off the cuff:
I’ve agonized for a long time over whether to post anything about my mom. I’ve struggled myself with the notion of whether doing so honors her or not. In all honesty, I’m still not sure. BUT … but, I ask all of you, any of you, what does honoring mean? What does it look like? What does it say? What does it do? I’m not asking as a deflection; I’m asking because I genuinely wonder. I really do.
I look at it this way: I want to write from a place of honesty, a place of truth, even a place that’s sometimes harsh. I don’t want to hide. So much that I read from Christian writers — on blogs and elsewhere — sounds like answers from a beauty pageant contestant. Everything is so damned uplifting. So posed. So glossy. So “Ohh, heaven loves God!” The Christian life ends up being publicly portrayed as some kind of Disneyland that all Christians privately know it AIN’T — if they’re being honest. So why hide? Why? Because we feel guilty for our despairs? Because we need to believe in some Disneyland that is never promised in Scripture? Because we don’t want to frighten non-Christians by admitting that they’ll still struggle — even with Jesus? I’m sorry. But part of the glory of life IS the struggle and the Jesus I know is more interested in changing the landscape of my heart than changing the landscape of my life. So, again, why hide? Are we doing Christianity any great shakes by sounding like we’re all Miss America? By peddling some put-on happyhappyjoyjoy? Jesus never ever sounded like that. I’m reminded of a past reader who, when commenting on a post from last year about our looming financial disaster, quoted me this: The sun’ll come out tomorrow! Betcher bottom dollar that tomorrow blahblahBLAAAH!” Please. What good does that do? I remember I was so pissed off at that. I cannot stand it when Christians want to gloss over real issues and real pain with little bromides that do nothing but make them feel better about themselves by believing — wrongly — that they’ve offered something valuable to someone.
I don’t know if I’m even addressing the issue here — I’m bee-bopping and scatting all over the place. Sorry. I’m just really upset, so frustrated.
Okay.
So did that post honor my mother? I don’t know. Really, I don’t. That’s the best answer I can give and I realize it sounds lame. But would a pretty facade be more honoring? Or just not talking about it? You know, not airing the dirty family laundry, shoving it under the bed? Was I just an indiscreet ass in this whole scenario? I’m always willing to consider that as a possiblity. But in some ways, the very act of writing — of trying to write anything with a ring of truth — is, at its core, an indiscretion. And I guess I wonder — how did I dishonor her? No one here knows her. Or knows her name. Or would recognize her on the street. So then did I just dishonor the idea of her? The idea being that mothers and fathers are always and only thought to be all that is good and right and lovely? In which case, not being a mom is an even bigger gyp than I’ve always thought.
Look. I posted that piece because I hoped it was truthful and because in writing about it, I helped myself process it, helped myself clarify it. Sorta. I posted it because I needed to. And yes, I suppose that’s selfish. Writing is selfish in certain ways. But I had hoped, too, that it might strike a chord with others who read it. Maybe someone would feel less alone in their own relational struggles. I don’t know. I described — to the best of my ability — an incident that happened to me, to her, to both of us. It was not pretty or glossy or nice, I know, but that wasn’t the point. Any reader who expects me to be some cookie-cutter Christian spewing platitudes and niceties is reading the wrong blog. I am a Christian, yes. And I struggle. And I struggle with being a Christian. And things happen to us in our lives that are not pretty or glossy or nice and those are things that writers should write about because they have meaning and truth and speak to what it means to be human. It can be a raw and ugly deal — life — almost incomprehensible sometimes and I am not going to Pollyanna it up because it may be someone else’s idea of what Jesus would do. Blogs and writers who do that hold no interest for me; there’s nothing there — or whatever IS there is trapped under a deep unwillingness to delve into what’s there.
I’m sorry. I’m just … ugh.
What’s my bottom-line response here? Well, I’m going to try to write as truthfully and as nakedly as I can. I don’t know how to do otherwise, really; it’s not in me. How to honor my mother, how that plays out in real life, is something that comes from God. It’s between Him and me and maybe, just maybe, it’s different from one family or one relationship to the next. I just know my ultimate accountability is to Him and I don’t say that blithely, believe me. I write that with a little shudder down my spine. I’m sorry this particular reader feels disappointed in me, but I have to admit, I’m not likely to change my approach to this blog for one reader. I guess maybe, rightly or wrongly, I like to hope there’s some kind of honor in even the attempt at truth.
I for one appreciated your candor, anguished though it was. Many readers can empathize with your parental problem, even if they might not be able to identify with it, and I think writing about it provided some much-needed catharsis for you. The only people who think you dishonored your mother would be mostly the ones who believe mental illness is totally the fault of the person stricken by it.
As a fellow Christian, I also agree that some of the bromides automatically uttered by many other Christians are often maddeningly superficial. I committed to the faith, many years ago, not because it would make me feel better, but because I came to believe that–preposterous as they seem–the basic tenets of the faith are THE TRUTH. A feel-good falsehood just wouldn’t cut it.
There are several “make us feel better” lines, however, that ARE the no-b.s. truth. In this present instance, Tracey, when you worry about your ultimate accountability to Him, it might help you (as it definitely helps me) to remember that His voluntary death on the cross means that God ultimately gives us mercy rather than justice.
The way I look at it – you went to the motel when your dad called you. You tried to cope with the situation as best you could. You’ve been doing so for years. That’s honoring.
The anonymity of the web lets you vent in privacy.
Christianity trashes your life on a lot of levels, so why not be up front about it? It’s also peace, but not as the world gives it. It’s coping with the paradoxes that do some people in – so that they put on that “joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart” face.
Your honesty touches us all deeply.
As Sal said: you went to the hotel when your dad asked. You didn’t shy away from it even though you knew it was going to be hard.
One of the things I try to inculcate in the Youth Group kids is that being a Christian doesn’t mean your problems dry up and blow away. (In fact, in some cases, in some social circles, being a Christian and “out” about it brings MORE problems).
But having faith helps you to have the strength to deal with those problems, to have perspective. Or at least it gives you the hope that eventually things will get better.
That doesn’t mean that Christians will never be (or “can’t” be) depressed, sad, all of those things. It doesn’t mean that we never forget our faith and fall down into the swamp – I know that happens to me at times. But it does mean that there’s something to grab on to and hopefully pull yourself up out of the swamp.
I also ascribe to the “walk a mile in their shoes” dictum: how DARE someone take you to task for writing a piece about your mother’s difficulty and your attempts to deal with it, when they most likely have not experienced the same thing?
“the Jesus I know is more interested in changing the landscape of my heart than changing the landscape of my life.”
First of all, you hit it square on the head with that line. GENIUS.
Second, this is YOUR blog. Youa ren’t obligated to explain what you write to anyone, or apologize for it.
Sorry Tracey, but your commenter was wrong. Like Dave said, “The only people who think you dishonored your mother would be mostly the ones who believe mental illness is totally the fault of the person stricken by it.”
I fail to see how you have dishonored your mother by writing about this. And you may have helped someone else dealing with a similar problem to feel less alone.
Look, you responded to a call. You tried to help your mom in the only way you knew how. You were trying to help her. You were there for her. That is not dishonor. Writing about it is not dishonor. Not at all. Anyone who thinks other wise is obtuse.
Tracey, how can that post show anything but you honoring your mother? You went to her when she needed you. Knowing how hard it was going to be. Knowing you were being asked to do something horrendously difficult you still went! Everything that you did for her that day shows how much you honored her. How many other children would do as much for their parent? And because you are a writer, what better way to cleanse your soul of your pain then by writing about it? God gives us all trials and tribulations to bear but he also gives us the ways and means of dealing with the same. I truly believe that your way is in your writing. I don’t think it helps only you alone. By allowing us this peek into your life in all the situations you write about, it allows us to see God working thru the good and the bad. It allows us to feel some of the cathartic purging that you are doing and hopefully use it to do some purging of our own. It seems to me that the person who says you weren’t honoring your mother by that post has some issues of their own they need to deal with but don’t know how and are taking out their pain on you. Being Christian does not mean everything is all sweetness and light all the time…just look at Job. It is how we as Christians deal with our trials and tribulations that truly shows how God is present here and now. All we need do is offer up our sufferings for his greater honor and glory and trust that he is always holding us in the palm of his hand…
The commandment to “honor your parents” is specifically an obligation to make sure their physical needs are met, nothing more. The Mosaic law in the Old Testament seems vague from a non-Jewish POV, but it’s clear in the Talmud and Midrash (as well as Hebrew tradition) that “honoring” meant caring for one’s parents in their old age (before Roth IRA’s and 401K’s existed) so they wouldn’t starve to death. That’s all you are “obligated” to do, any honor above that is done out of love, not duty.
That’s why Jesus was so hard on the Pharisees about their meticulous tithing of their money (and even their herbs) while they neglected the physical needs of their parents.
Unbelievable.
Sometimes honoring your mother can be as simple as not dishonoring her. The truth can never do that. When I read you story about your mom and her bugs, I was struck not only with your anguish, but with your underlying compassion for her. Compassion is not always sweet or nice.
You said it well, “Something has irretrievably altered my mom, stolen an entire woman and replaced her with symptoms and manipulations and bitterness.” I don’t see an ungrateful writer not honoring her mother, but an honest daughter who just wants her real mom, perhaps for the first time. I found myself wanting to reach out to both of you. I saw in your story a picture of two women trying to get through life the best way they could, neither of them at that moment knowing how.
Jesus never promised that the Christian life would be easy, certain often miss-used Bible verses not withstanding. In fact, He indicated quite the opposite. He calls us to have the courage to be a people of the truth. He says that if we genuinely buy into His program, then we will be able to recognize the truth, and then the truth will set us free.
The key to honoring your mother is not in hiding the truth, but in your motivation for telling it. I have no doubt that yours is honorable.
The fact that you’re willing to go to your mother when there is a need, even when deep-down inside you don’t want to, is honoring. You could have choosen to take an easier way out, but you didn’t.
I’m re-reading Yancey’s book, “What’s so Amazing About Grace?” – and you’re showing God’s grace to your family. Just as God will show grace to you as you extend it out.
I’m glad that you’re writing honestly. I find that I’m afraid to write honestly at times – “what will they think?” goes through my head. I shouldn’t let it, neither should you. I would rather deal with someone who’s real than fake. So, you’ve challenged me to be more real.
Writing and sharing the truth IS an honorable thing. Keep it up. It’s your blog, your space in the universe to do whatever you like with.
It is blogs like yours, people like you, who have inspired me my entire life. People who tell it like it is, the good bits and the ugly bits – the TRUTH (their truth). (I wish I was brave enough to do the same thing in my blog, but I’m not there yet).
And I’ll tell you, I am a fumbling Christian, and I learn more and absorb more and believe more when I hear it from doubters and questioners than I do from perfect-peachy-preachy types … they usually have me running in the opposite direction with my hands clamped over my ears. I appreciate your honesty.
When I read your post about your mom, my first thought was how I just finished reading “The Glass Castle” by Jeanette Walls (book club assignment). Your piece was every bit as well written. As a matter of fact I think you’re a better writer because I felt your pain as if it was happening to me. In her book Jeanette tells of her childhood, growing up with dysfuntional parents. She isn’t anonymous at all, she’s on MSNBC. I can’t believe (no, wait, I can) that someone would see this as an opportunity to cast stones. Many of the rest of us “non-stone-casting” Christians find inspiration in your writing. Please don’t stop
” But I had hoped, too, that it might strike a chord with others who read it. Maybe someone would feel less alone in their own relational struggles”
You hoped, and it did. I’m putting salve on scars and paying alot of money for a oh-so-worth-it counselor, and it’s good to know that I’m not the only one that deals with it.
I thank you for the post. And for always making it REAL.
What you said, Tracey, and what the peeps who commented before me said, too.
(I hate to criticize, but wouldn’t the more Christian form of fraternal correction have been a private e-mail instead of a blog comment?)
What rubbish! Don’t let crotchety-pants comments like that put you off from the real good you do with your excellent writing. You need to process and heal; and we benefit from hearing it. That could well be the voice of the Lord talking to us there. To say that your post dishonored your mom is like saying that the Sistine Chapel had naughty pictures on it because Adam hasn’t any clothing. Criminy.
Ok, sometimes we need to process things, and I think it’s obvious you needed to process here. DISHONORING your mother would be doing it publically, in a way she would be humiliated. Behaving honorably is finding a way to do it where she would not be harmed, her pride not damaged-such as anonomously on this blog. This is not exactly a front page advertisement in the weekly newspaper. Given ity’s nature, it can serve far more as a confessional. Hopefully in this case it has. As for the story itself, I agree with the commentators above-you treated her very gently and honorably. Treating someone honorably has nothing to do wiuth being fake, but everything with responding to reality as gently and kindly as we can.
Just my two cents…..
I am so angry over this, I cannot imagine how you must feel!
I have said before that I am not a Christian. That is not entirely true. I do beleive in Christ, I do not believe in what “Christianity”, for many, has become.
The person who responded to your blog, is one of the hordes who drove me away from organized religion. My life didn’t fit in with those perfect platitudes. And the judgment…the constant, swirling, harsh and never ceasing judgment. I hate it. I hate it when it is aimed at me, and I hate it when it is aimed at you.
Some Christians (I would never say all…there are good ones out there…you, Ricki, Nightfly, and so many of your other readers) are excellent at spouting scripture in their efforts of judging others…things like “honor thy mother”, however they never remember my favorite “He who is without sin cast the first stone.”
They never remember that it IS indeed between you and God, and they should mind their own business. I have heard from some of these types of people that they are simply trying to “save me”. My response is “save yourself”.
You help people with your writing, but even if you didn’t, you help yourself, and that is enough. God made you the way you are…brilliant and beautiful and honest and a gifted, gifted writer. I don’t think you are meant to deny any of that to satisfy the judgment of one would be Christian. And by being who you are, you honor your parents.
How can telling the truth ever be looked on as wrong? I have a hard time believing in a God who would think lying was the better way to go.
“But I had hoped, too, that it might strike a chord with others who read it. Maybe someone would feel less alone in their own relational struggles.”
Oh, so very, true!
You never once dishonored your mother. Some people just have difficulty with dealing with reality. Don’t let them bring you down. Obviously…..Mizz Christian Lady is one of those. Denial is safe…….unreal……..but, safe for some.
Got here from Missy’s blog (thanks, Missy). This is my first visit, and first I want to say that you write INCREDIBLY well.
Several people have made the point, with which I concur, that the episode you describe amply shows your honoring your mother (and your father). I’d like to make the additional point that you also honor her, and your relationship with her, by writing about that episode so beautifully. You write with love, you write with anguish, you write with honesty, you write about her with gentleness, and all of that honors her and the reality of her life. I would suspect that the person who made the hurtful judgement of you was made to feel your pain, and your mother’s pain, by what you wrote, and couldn’t handle it, and struck out at you as the source of his/her own discomfort.
Also here via Missy. All I can say is thanks for writing. Just thanks. I hope to read more of your writing.
it’s been said many times but here goes again….i never once felt you were dishonoring your parents, your mom. gosh, tracey, the only thing that came through to me was anguish, pain, and vulnerability. i’d give you a hug if i knew ya. peace and blessings to you and yours. p.s. i’ve been whacked by many a christian. it hurts and i’m sorry.
I’ve been meaning to say thanks to you all; I’ve just been feeling so blown away by all these responses.
So … thanks, everyone.