the movie that saved my life last night

After renting Charlie Wilson’s Bore the other day and managing to survive it barely, only as a mere shell of a person, a mere shadow of a human being — Philip Seymour Hoffman is the ONLY reason to see that movie in my opinion — I felt suddenly wary about all movies, anywhere, everywhere. That’s what that movie did to me, in addition to sucking my precious and well-known joie de vivre out of my very marrow and eyeballs and such. At my core, I wondered if my ability to enjoy movies was gone forever, stolen by Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in a stupid blonde mushroom wig.

Oh, and then to compound matters, the next day, there was the world’s most BORING documentary about the world’s most BORING band, you know, QUEEN, that had me screaming at the talking head onscreen — who had clearly dug up Freddie Mercury’s corpse and stolen his teeth: “Shut up, shut UP with the talking and show the FREAKIN’ BAND ALREADY!”

AGGHHHHH! My precious and well-known joie de vivre! What had happened? I collapsed in a sobbing heap on the not-entirely-clean floor.

“Is there another movie in the pile over there?” I wailed at MB last night.

There was. And it, praise be, was this:

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Hitman
.

Glorious Hitman.

Glorious, gratuitously violent, based on a video game I know nothing about because I know nothing about any video games Hitman.

Because sometimes, the only thing that can restore your precious and well-known joie de vivre and make you live again is a sizzling sexy bald man with a bar-code tattoo on the base of his skull slaughtering and splattering your fellow man left and right.

Know what I mean?

Sometimes, the only thing that can restore your precious and well-known joie de vivre and make you live again is a lonely enigmatic killer in a crisp suit and a red tie who can and does wield what you can only assume is a grenade launcher in each of his nimble lonely hands.

It’s true. I’m not making this stuff up.

Sometimes, the only thing that can restore your precious and well-known joie de vivre and make you live again is an unconscionable murderous romp with a side of sympathetic whore.

I mean, what screams joie de vivre more than sympathetic whore, I ask you?

And sometimes, the only thing that can restore your precious and well-known joie de vivre and make you live again is a lonely killer and a sympathetic whore reveling in their intense but arm’s length chemistry where a date consists of dinner and murder and chastity.

I mean, what’s better than a movie that makes you fuzzy and nostalgic about your past?

Sometimes, in the end, it won’t matter to you that the smarties-that-be mostly panned a movie. Not if it restores your precious and well-known joie de vivre. They clearly have no joie de vivre that even needs restoring so how could they possibly appreciate the bloody romantic epic that is Hitman? Besides, if you refer to anyone’s opinion, you refer to your beloved Roger because he a smartie who seems unpretentious while simultaneously making you think of a delicious oatmeal cookie dunked in a cup of hot coffee. And he, your delicious oatmeal cookie, liked the movie, for the most part — although he didn’t mention that it saved his life in any way, which you understand might not happen for everybody. He liked the same things you liked about it so you feel validated and plenty smart, too. Although you sometimes wonder if you’re capable of independent thought apart from your beloved Roger. But don’t think about it now. Just because you’re not on a roll here doesn’t mean you should stop, Peaches.

So bless you, Hitman. Bless you for sheer ridiculousness. Bless you for a nonsensical plot that makes perfect sense to anyone with joie de vivre. Bless you for life-affirming violence. Bless you for oddball chemistry. Bless you for smoldering baldness and helpless whores and celibate killers. Bless you for every little part I managed to see through the queasy cage of my fingers.

Mostly, bless you for restoring my precious and well-known joie de vivre and making me live again.

Bless you, Hitman.

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“stick it”

There’s a movie about gymnastics starring Jeff Bridges and I haven’t seen it? What?? Gymnastics AND Jeff Bridges? I do not care how flat-out cheesy this film may be, I’m gonna have to see it.

Here’s a snippet of an interview I found with Jeff Bridges and a couple of teenage actresses from the film. I love this; so sweet:

NIKKI SOOHOO (Wei Wei Yong):
“Jeff is such an amazing person. One day I was having a bad day and he came into my trailer and serenaded me on the guitar until I stopped crying. I thought that was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done and it really showed me a different side of him.”

BRIDGES:
“It’s almost like a reflex action. You get a girl that is that age and they start to cry, and you just go, ‘Come on, let’s play. Let me show you how to play the guitar.’ So we played some guitar. I thought that she was wonderful in the movie too.”

MADDY CURLEY (Mina Hoyt):
“[Because I was a gymnast] Jeff would ask for advice on being a coach. ‘Maddy, Missy’s character is about to do this vault, now what would I say to her?’ And he’d take everything I said to heart. It was pretty cool to have this amazing actor, I’m like, ‘The Dude is asking me how to coach gymnastics!’”

7 favorite movie cries — men

Today, I made of list of 7 of my Favorite Movie Cries — Men. Meaning, scenes where actors cry, really make me believe it, completely break my heart, and are still gorgeous manly men. Scenes that blaze on in my heart because they are real and impactful, not maudlin or forced. Scenes that make me believe I’m watching a man in a moment that is totally private and totally real. Even though some of these moments involve the man being with other people, they are moments where I feel I’m watching something personal and uncontrollable spill OUT, something they might rather keep inside, have no one see, but the moment is bigger than they are; the moment is just beyond them. I don’t feel any of these is a false or contrived moment in the least. Each of them is so beautiful to me. And perhaps I’m old-fashioned, but I’m someone who believes that crying is different for men than women. I think it comes less easily and is less welcome to a man. That’s why it’s so moving to me; it’s more of a rarity. Women can do all kinds of things with their tears. Use them in ways that men just don’t. When I see tears from a man — in real life or done believably on film — I am frozen dead in my tracks. My heart just breaks. Because, yes, I think they are rare, generally, and more meaningful because of it.

I made this list quickly and off the top, so in no particular order because I simply cannot rank them:

1. Jimmy Stewart, It’s A Wonderful Life — The I want to live again scene. Please. I just want to hold him.

2. Liam Neeson, Schindler’s List — The I didn’t do enough scene. Please. I can barely breathe thinking about this one. His face. His face.

3. Anthony Hopkins, Shadowlands — The I sure would like to see her again scene. You know, where he’s with his stepson, Douglas, and they both burst into sobs after Joy has died? It sticks with you forever.

4. Denzel Washington, Glory — The whipping scene. With the single tear streaking down his proud defiant face.

5. Jeff Bridges, Fearless — The I’m alive scene at the end. After Isabella Rossellini has done what he’s asked and saved him.

6. Ewan MacGregor, Moulin Rouge — After Satine has died. My Lord. So unbearably sad.

7. Clark Gable, Gone With The Wind — After Scarlett’s miscarriage. The cry that Gable didn’t want to do, almost quit the picture over. Well, it’s brilliant. It’s brilliant forever. Man. It simply kills me.

I dare anyone to watch any of these scenes and not be moved or even changed somehow.

Short and sweet. Feel free to weigh in with your own, peeps.

“into the woods” disappeared — wha??

Okay. Sheesh. Somehow my “Into the Woods” post got clicked over to “Private” — which means I can see it but you can’t. I have no idea how this happened. Really. I DIDN’T CLICK IT — I SWEAR! Why make that one “Private”? That’s retarded. I have no idea now it happened and my apologies. It’s there now again. Or it better be. Tell me if you can’t see it!

Took me long enough to figure it out. How embarrassing.

“into the woods” — the movie?

Doing some researching/reading about Stephen Sondheim and I discovered something I’d never known before: His musical of fractured fairy tales, Into the Woods, was slated to be made into a film in the mid-90s. Uhm, seriously?? Damn. I would have loved to have seen that! I almost wish I didn’t know this because the fact that it never happened is now instantly and forever a bummer to me. Ignorance IS bliss. I became familiar with the show in the early 90s through repeated watchings of a copied videotape of this version — featuring the Broadway cast. I watched it repeatedly until the tape wore out. Or got stuck in the player and ruined. Or some other sad end to it all.

Anyhoo.

Seems in about October 1994, a reading of the script was held at the home of director Penny Marshall. Oh, and this is where I will list the cast that was in place at the time and then yea or nay these choices for this movie that never got made. Which makes total sense to me.

So let’s proceed apace with my totally moot, irrelevant approval or disapproval of the casting for a never-made movie circa 1995:

Robin Williams as The Baker — Uhm, I say …. nay on this casting. I say nay to Robin Williams in general. I’m trying to think whom I’d prefer. How ’bout Billy Crystal instead? Yup. That’s better. Less frenetic. Less spastic. Less hairy.

Goldie Hawn as The Baker’s Wife — Yes. I like it.

Cher as The Witch — Played on Broadway by Bernadette Peters. I can’t decide if Cher in this role is a disastrous or brilliant idea. I think I say yes.

Steve Martin as The Wolf — Hahahahaha! I love The Wolf. In his big number, “Hello, Little Girl,” he spends the entire song leering and basically orgasmic about the possibility of devouring Little Red Riding Hood and her bony, crunchy grandma. Steve Martin could have been hilarious. Genius, even. Now that I think about it, the fact that I will never see him in this role makes the bummer even bigger. Leaps and bounds bigger.

Danny DeVito as The Giant — So joke casting, right? Um, okay. The giant is supposed to be a woman — she’s the widow of the giant killed by Jack — but done right, it could have been funny. Uh, I guess?

Elijah Wood as Jack — Perfect, I think, for empty-headed Jack.

Roseanne as Jack’s Mother — Played on Broadway by Barbara Byrne, a woman with a wonderfully ditzy, offhand, vacant way about her — you might remember her as Constanze’s mother in Amadeus, but Roseanne in this role might have been great. A completely different energy — the loud-mouthed brassy broad as Jack’s Mother.

Bebe Neuwirth as Cinderella’s Stepmother — I love Bebe Neuwirth, so yes.

Mayim Bialik as Little Red Riding Hood — Of Beaches and Blossom fame. Uhm, hm. Would she have been too precious and “spunky”? Eck. Danielle Ferland, the original Red, was part Shirley Temple, part total bully, and a complete riot. Bialik always seemed too packaged to me somehow. I say no. Put Danielle in there.

Samantha Mathis as Rapunzel — Older “Amy” from Little Women? Well, she was high-maintenance back then and Rapunzel is a screaming sobbing nutjob, so okay. I can see it.

Brendan Fraser as Rapunzel’s Prince — Oh, Sweet Lord, YES! As the prince who sings to his prince brother about how impossible it is to love Rapunzel? “AGONY! Much more painful than yours/When you know she would go with you/If there only were doors/” Yes, a thousand times. He’d be perfect.

Moira Kelly as Cinderella — Yes. She’s from The Cutting Edge, right? That completely cheesy guilty-pleasure ice skating movie? I say yes on this one, too. Cinderella is more independent, more savvy, less insane than Rapunzel. Which makes sense if you think about it — given their circumstances.

Kyle MacLachlan as Cinderella’s Prince — Lord, YES! Brendan Fraser and Kyle MacLachlan singing “Agony”?? Please. Heaven. I am so so bummed that this movie didn’t get made.

Wah.

Wah.

Uhm.

Okey-dokey. Well. This is probably the most bizarre, non-sequitur post I’ve done — in, well, really not that long, actually. And with me drunk again, no less. Does anybody else have any thoughts about it? Yes, I do realize that we are discussing a non-existent movie from 13 years ago. It could even seem insane on the surface. But dig deeper, my friend, to the sane and shining core. You’ll see. Plus, I love discussing casting stuff — about anything. Real or imagined. Obviously.

Anything? Anybody?

“Is anybody there? Does anybody care? Does anybody see what I seeeeee?”

Go to bed, Trace. Lord.

more on “sweeney todd”!

So we rented and watched “Sweeney Todd” yesterday. Again. (Believe it or not, renting it wasn’t my idea.) But seeing it again — and in this different way, small screen as opposed to big — gave me a chance to notice other things, take some notes, and, well, share them with you. As if I haven’t talked about it enough. (cough, cough.)

Nevertheless …….

Things I noticed on this in-home examination of “Sweeney Todd”:

~ It’s still hard for me to get used to the instrumental version of “The Ballad of Sweeney Todd.” I mean, the music and lyrics there are inseparable to me. Burton does a sly and visually interesting sequence at the beginning (if a little on the nose), but I still miss the lyrics. Oh, how I miss them! Those lyrics at the top of the show are genius.

~ Johnny Depp. Man. This guy is so good. WHEN is he going to get his Oscar? (Not for Sweeney, Trace. That’s over, mmkay? Please move on.) I did a little experiment while watching this again: I closed my eyes and just listened to his singing and I have to be honest: it doesn’t really hold up. His voice has a bit of a strangled sound at times and he frequently uses that sort of pop star slide up to a note. It’s a bit modern sounding, not to mention kind of a cheat. That being said, when I open my eyes and watch him, I just can’t look away. He’s hypnotic. Depp’s magnetism in the role of Sweeney makes you toss aside any objections about technical imperfections. He is so thoroughly Sweeney, so completely inhabits him, that you just don’t care that his singing isn’t perfect. That’s a great performance.

~ The actor playing Anthony is just so pretty. Prettier than most girls. It’s disconcerting. He’s a prettier Claire Danes than Claire Danes.

~ The song “Pretty Women” with Depp and Rickman is wonderful. They’re great together. It’s such an interesting number. Musically, the actors are doing a duet. Emotionally, they’re lost in their separate little worlds. Sweeney’s swept up in the fulfillment of his revenge. It’s right as his fingertips, literally. The Judge is swept away by lust for Johanna, his fantasies of her. I love that dichotomy. They’re together, but they couldn’t be further apart. As the song reaches its climax and they’re singing — together — “pretty women, pretty women,” and Sweeney’s raising his razor, preparing for the kill, I was covering my eyes. I did this in the theater, too. A kind of “uh-oh, here it comes, here it comes.” Which of course, it doesn’t, and I know that. But that shows just how good Depp is here. I KNOW he doesn’t kill the judge right then, but he is so menacing, so crazed, so convincing, I start to believe the story will suddenly change, that he WILL kill him then and there, and I just have to cover my eyes in the face of it.

~ Right after that, Anthony comes rushing in, interrupting the killing of Judge Turpin. Lovett rushes in then, too, and Sweeney yells at her: “Get out! OUT! OUT!” or something like that. I have to confess I miss the line from the stage version that ends with: OUT I SAY OUUUUUUUUT!!!” I love everything that “ouuuuuuuut!” means. I have no idea why they changed it. Lost a little something there, for me.

~ This viewing, I focused a lot on the kid playing Toby. I think I virtually ignored him in my other review(s) and that’s unfair. No, it’s just wrong. It’s one of my favorite roles in the show. He’s like a little flower struggling to push through the cobblestones and the muck. There has to be some bright spot, some vestige of innocence, and that’s Toby/Tobias. In most stage versions of this — including the one I was in — Toby is traditionally played by a young man, maybe in his early twenties. You know, someone who can stay up past 9:00 and doesn’t bring any parental baggage with him. Just easier in that way. He’s usually played as somewhat mentally disabled, simple-minded. I mean, the guy who played Toby in our show was somewhere between 25 and 30, as I recall, but he was small. (Oh, and so talented. I stood in the wings every night to watch him sing “Not While I’m Around.” Tear-jerker.) Anyhoo. Every Toby I’ve ever seen has been played by an older actor and every Toby has seemed mentally challenged in some way. The part reads like a young boy, so perhaps when you have an older actor playing him, he naturally seems more simple-minded. There becomes an age-behavior discrepancy in the character with an older Toby. Beyond that, the actor has to have some real chops vocally. The role just demands a lot in that capacity and that’s another thing an older actor brings. You’ll likely get someone a bit more experienced.

Watching this yesterday, though, I have to say it’s really refreshing to see a kid in the role. This actor is probably, what, 12? 13? This Toby is a street urchin, a foundling. There’s none of the mentally disabled angle going on here. He’s streetwise. Savvy. He’s been abused and cowed, but he’s able to see things the way they are. Much more than Mrs. Lovett, who has her fantasies about Sweeney, her blindness about Sweeney, Toby sees the truth of what Sweeney has become. He’s frightened of him. And rightly so. He’s frightened for Mrs. Lovett. And rightly so. I love how he’s that boy on the cusp of manhood. How, one moment, I can look at his face and see a little boy and the very next moment, I can see the man he will become. A great face on this kid. And that kind of face in transition works so well in “Not While I’m Around.” Sometimes he seems like a little boy worried about his mother. Sometimes he seems like a man protecting the woman he loves. There’s that shift back and forth. It’s written in the song, the lyrics, but this kid’s face shifts seamlessly and poignantly between those two roles. This actor brings something to it that an older actor just couldn’t: He brings a face that hasn’t arrived yet. A young boy-man a bit confused about which one he really is. He desperately wants to be a man, but he’s limited by a body and size that still suggest a boy. I don’t know where they found this kid, but he’s really great.

~ Oh, and Helena Bonham Carter at the end of “Not While I’m Around.” (I wanted to rewind this, but didn’t. Drat. I should have. Now I have to work from my memory of it.) At one point Toby sings to her:

Not to worry, not to worry
I may not be smart but I ain’t dumb
I can do it, put me to it
Show me something I can overcome
Not to worry, Mum

Being close and being clever
Ain’t like being true
I don’t need to,
I would never hide a thing from you,
Like some…

I love her face as the song goes on. Her dawning realization that Toby understands too much, perhaps more than she ever imagined. She’s been trying to placate him as she would a boy, but it hasn’t been working. He persists. The whole song is Toby’s persistence of vision. Of truth. He sees the truth where no one else does. Or is willing to. Mrs. Lovett does have a kind of maternal affection for Toby, but it’s nothing compared to her obsessive love for Sweeney. Slowly, slowly, over the course of this song, she realizes she’s underestimated Toby. He’s not JUST a boy. He can’t easily be fooled. He wants her to want him to save her. He longs to be her hero, to show her he’s the better man. But his desires threaten Lovett’s foolish fantasies of Sweeney and so, as the song comes to an end, we watch it float across her face: Her choice. Her decision. Toby loves her, maybe in a couple of confusing ways, but Lovett loves Sweeney. While she cares for Toby, she simply can’t be true to him, as he is to her. It’s the worst betrayal in the movie, I think. Her choice ruins Toby. And Bonham Carter’s face as she moves toward that decision. Brilliant. Possibly the best number in the movie.

~ Okay. There’s this thing about Sweeney’s barber chair. I noticed this in the theater and it’s still weird to me. The chair has to be rigged, obviously, for a body to slide out of it and down to the basement where the oven is. Any version I’ve ever seen of Sweeney’s chair has been a chair that flattens, front and down, if that makes sense. The seat and footrest flatten into a natural slide. The actor/body slides feet first into his meat pie future. The falling motion of the body logically follows the way a chair is built. Or follows the natural flow of gravity, is a better way to say it. The movie chair, on the other hand, rises up from the feet and tilts the body backward so it falls head first into the chute, hole, whatever it is. Makes for a gratuitously gruesome head splat, in my opinion. Sweeney slitting the throat of an innocent man just wanting a nice smooth shave is horrific enough, thank you. I don’t need to see his head explode when it hits the basement floor. (I can’t believe I’m going on about the barber chair here, oh well.) Mechanically, the whole thing didn’t make much sense to me and I’d bet money it was done solely for the money shot — that head splat. I can’t imagine any stage version ever doing it this way because the audience would only see the back of the chair as it’s rising up and completely lose the view of the actor sliding into oblivion. From a practical standpoint, too, it makes for a much more complicated chair. I mean, if I’m a maniacal barber on a vengeful killing spree, do I really want a chair that has to do all that just to get the meat from the chair to the oven? Aren’t I asking more of my chair than is necessary? Too much could go wrong. Think of the possible repairs required. Not to mention the fact that the head splat makes for a messier cleanup and — if you think about it from a pie maker’s perspective — means that all those delicious brains are, well, ruined now.

Clearly, I have hit upon a deep and unforgivable flaw in this film. Let’s just move on.

~ There’s this hard swallow Depp takes during “By the Sea” when he’s asked “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?” It kills me. It’s just a passing moment, but I love it. That whole sequence is hysterical to me. At one point, he sits there glumly in his striped Victorian swimsuit with his shoes and socks. HA. He is possessed and miserable and hilarious in this number.

~ Alan Rickman’s codpiece is truly breathtaking.

~ I found myself wanting to draw eyebrows on Johanna. This is totally random.

~ I miss the lush harmonies of “The Letter,” sung by a mixed quintet in the stage version. “Most Honorable Judge Turpiiin …. I venture thus to write you this … urgent … note to warn you ….” In the movie, Sweeney just hands Toby a letter to lure the judge to his “tonsorial parlor.”

~ All right. The ending. On this second viewing, I have to say … it’s a problem. Wow. Is it bleak. Pretty gross, Peaches. That final shot cannot be easily be erased. If you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about. Again, it’s that loss of the Greek chorus device that I talked about in earlier reviews. If you’re familiar with it, you feel its absence most keenly at the beginning and the end of the movie. The ending particularly. The chorus — actually, the entire company — coming back onstage, back to life in some cases, delivering the moral with a wink, really serves to disengage the audience from the bloodbath before them. It’s doing you a favor, the way it breaks that fourth wall. It’s offering you a break, a breather. It’s okay. This is a play, a story. When it’s not there, you’re basically left bereft and sick. As I’ve said before, there’s nothing to mitigate all the damages. Harsh, man. It’s pretty harsh.

~ My Beloved made an interesting point when it was over. We were talking about whether we’d want to buy the DVD, have it as part of our personal viewing library, and I said no, actually. Much as I think it’s a really good — almost great — movie version of the play, I don’t need to own it. I have huge respect for the direction, for many of the performances, and I love the music, but I don’t think I’d repeatedly view it, which is why we have most of the movies we have in our library. What you’re left with in the end is so very bleak and gruesome. It’s hard to take. Hard to shake. MB said, “Yeah. It’s like you wouldn’t really want it in your personal space. In your face like that.” I think there’s really something to that. A TV is a much smaller screen, of course, but it’s your personal screen in your personal space and there’s no escaping that. When you see something so unrelenting and dark on your own TV, it feels like it seeps into the walls and hangs from the curtains of your home. I’m content to be a fan of this from a distance. I’ll always listen to the original Broadway soundtrack. That’s in my blood. That’s part of me. With the movie, I’m happy to applaud loudly, say, “Oh, well done!” and try to go on my merry way once the credits roll.

snippets on watching “enchanted” with the niece

We watched Enchanted Sunday evening — a completely adorable movie in every way. (I basically have a movie crush on James Marsden who plays Edward. Saw him in 27 Dresses as well and I just think he’s got a true comedic spark, a gift. There’s nothing he does in this movie that doesn’t crack me up.) But anyway, here was some of The Peep’s running commentary — things she just said to the movie itself while we watched:

“Well, sometimes, you know, when people go on dates, they just dance.”

“That dress is crazy!” (Of Giselle’s huge fairy tale wedding dress.)

“Hawkeye doesn’t know how to do that.” (Said with great dismay about the family dog’s inability to clean house like the helpful sewer rats and cockroaches of Manhattan.)

“She seems like a very nice almost stepmom.” (About Idina Menzel — she of the amazing pipes and cab-forward jaw — who plays McDreamy’s almost fiance.)

“She is even prettier in person than in the cartoon part!” (Of Amy Adams.)

“Of course it’s romantic; he’s a prince!” (On one character calling something “romantic.”)

Okay. I’m sorry. I’m copping out right here. These are the snippetiest snippets ever because I absolutely have to go to bed. Didn’t sleep last night worrying about whether she was sleeping. Or whether she was hot. Or cold. Or comfortable. Or lonely. Or eco-friendly. Or pH-balanced. Or PABA-free.

I mean, that PABA-free thing, man. I tossed and turned. Tossed and turned.

More snippets to come when I am no longer consumed and sleepless over pH and PABA.

william goldman: “misery,” part 3

More from William Goldman’s Which Lie Did I Tell? — which you must all go out and buy posthaste. I’m doing his chapter on Misery and I’m up to my favorite section — Casting Jimmy Caan. Who knew what this movie went through just to cast Paul Sheldon?? Oh, and his insights here about the character, about James Caan and why he was so special, so good in that part — really great stuff. So here we go.

Casting Jimmy Caan

It was as simple and discouraging as this: no one would play the part.

We knew the role was less flashy. Had to be, the guy’s in the sack most of the movie. We also knew he was under the control of the woman, something stars hate. But we also felt the movie was essentially what the Brits call a “two-hander.” The Paul Sheldon character is not only the hero, he’s in almost every scene. Wouldn’t anyone say yes?

We went to William Hurt —

— didn’t want to do it.

We rewrote it, went back to William Hurt —

— didn’t want to do it yet again.

Kevin Kline —

— didn’t want to do it.

Michael Douglas —

— met with Rob, didn’t want to do it.

Harrison Ford —

— didn’t want to do it.

Dustin Hoffman was called in London —

— liked Castle Rock, liked Rob, didn’t want to do it.

Understand, this entire casting process took maybe six months, and we are well into it by now and this is where my respect for Mr. Reiner reached epic size. Because, you must understand that well before this point, all the major studios would have had me in for rewrites or fired me, because they would have known the script stank. It had to stink. Look at those rejections.

Reiner simply got more and more bullheaded.

And, secondly, he needed a famous face as Paul Sheldon, because Paul Sheldon was famous, just an Annie Wilkes was an unknown. On he trudged.

DeNiro —

— didn’t want to do it.

Pacino —

— didn’t want to do it.

Dreyfuss —

— WANTED TO DO IT.

Yes, Lord.

You see, Rob and Richard Dreyfuss had gone to high school together. And more than that, Rob had offered When Harry Met Sally to Dreyfuss who said no. Biiig mistake.

This time when Rob called him, Dreyfuss said this: “Whatever it is, I’ll do it.” Rob was, of course, amazingly relieved. But he felt it was silly for Dreyfuss to take a part without first at least reading it. Rob gave him the script. Dreyfuss read it —

— oops —

— didn’t want to do it.

Well before this point, Mr. Redford was sent the script. He would have been extraordinary. He met with Rob. He felt the script would make a very commercial movie.

Long regretful pause —

— didn’t want to do it.

How many is that? You count, it’s too painful. Understand, this is not the order of submission. My memory is that William Hurt may have been first but his second rejection came well after a bunch of others had passed. Anyway, it is all a swamp to me now.

Enter Warren Beatty.

Kind of wanted to do it. Met and met with Rob and Andy. Had a number of wonderful suggestions that helped close holes in the script. He was definitely interested. But there was this wee problem with Dick Tracy, which he was producing, directing, and starring in and which conflicted. To this day, I don’t think Warren Beatty has said no.

Andy one day mentioned Jimmy Caan. Who had been in the wilderness. Rob met with him, asked about his supposed drug problem. Caan replied that he was clean. “I will pee in a bottle for you,” he said. “I will pee in a bottle every day.”

He didn’t have to.

The reason for detailing the above is because there is a lesson here. Two, actually. First is this: we will never know. Would Kevin Kline have made it a better flick? We will never know. Would any of the skilled performers listed? We will never know. They never played the part. They might have been better or worse, all that we can be sure of is that they would have been different. Jimmy Caan did play it and he was terrific.

One special thing Caan brought to the party is that he is a very physical guy, like a shark, he has to keep moving, he cannot be still in a room. And playing Paul, month after month trapped in that bed, drove him nuts. That pent-up energy you saw on screen was very real. And it was one of the main reasons, at least for me, the movie worked.

Second point. When we read about George Raft turning down The Maltese Falcon because he didn’t trust one of the great directors of all time, John Huston, it seems like lunacy. The movie, of course, went on to make Mr. Bogart a star. But Bogart was nothing then, a small bald New York Stage actor who was going nowhere. And Huston never directed. The same is true when we read of all the people who were offered the lead in East of Eden or On the Waterfront or Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Careers are primarily about timing.

Paul Sheldon is an attractive, sensitive man in his forties, a writer of romance fiction. If you ask me what star best describes that guy I would answer with two words: Richard Gere.

Why didn’t we go with him?

Wrong question.

The real question is this: How is it possible for us to spend six months looking for an actor for a part for which Richard Gere would have been perfect and never once, not even one time mention his name? That’s how dead he was at the time we were looking. We were looking before Internal Affairs revived him and Pretty Woman put him back on top. We were looking in 1989, seven years since An Officer and a Gentleman. And in those seven years these were his choices: The Honorary Consul, Breathless, The Cotton Club, King David, No Mercy, Miles from Home.

He was not just dead, he was forgotten. Happens to us all. Remember my leper period? There’s a good and practical reason Hollywood likes Dracula pictures — it’s potentially the story of our lives …

Final section — a brief coda — up next: The Author Sees His Children

william goldman: “misery,” part 2

More from Goldman’s Which Lie Did I Tell? Scroll down for Part 1.

Casting Kathy Bates

“I’m going to write the part for Kathy Bates.”

“Oh, good. She’s great. We’ll use her.”

I was the first speaker, Rob Reiner the second. And lives changed.

I had seen Kathy Bates for many years on stage. We had never met but I felt then what I do now: she is simply one of the major actresses of our time. I’d seen her good-heartedness in Vanities, where she played a Texas cheerleader. I’d seen the madness when she played the suicidal daughter in ‘Night, Mother. I had no sure sense that the talent would translate — a lot of great stage performers are less than great on film; Gielgud, Julie Harris, Kim Stanley will do as examples — but there is an old boxing expression that goes like this: Bury me with a puncher. And it was a moment in Frankie and Johnny in the Clair de Lune that made me know she was the lady I had to be buried with. She plays a waitress who has a fling with a cook and at one point she is wearing a robe and he wants to see her body.

The scene was staged so that he saw her naked body and the audience saw her face, and there was such panic in her eyes and at the same time, this wondrous hope. (Casting note: when Michelle Pfeiffer, who I think is a brilliant character actress, played the same part in the movie, the same moment was there, but it didn’t work for me because Pfeiffer is so loved by the camera that all I kept thinking was, Why was she worrying when the worst that could happen would be a pubic hair maybe out of place?)

Anyway, Kathy got the part.

It was really almost that simple because Reiner had seen her on Broadway and thought she was as gifted as I did. We could have had almost any actress in the world. Obviously, it’s a decent part — Kathy won the Oscar for it — but the main reason so many women were interested is there is almost nothing for women out there nowadays. Sad but true. Rob had lunch with Bette Midler, who would have been fine and would have helped open the picture. But she did not want to play someone so ugly, and Rob realized she would be wrong for the part. All stars would be wrong for the part, he decided. Annie is the unknown creature who appears alone out of a storm. We know nothing about her. Stars bring history with them, and I believe, in this case, that would have been damaging.

Example: there is a scene where Annie asks Paul to burn his most recent book in manuscript. It is the last thing on earth he wants to do and he says no. They argue but he is firm.

Fine, Annie says, I love you and I would never dream of asking you to do anything you didn’t want to do. Forget it. I never asked. But —

— big but —

— while she is saying forget I ever asked, what she is doing is walking around his bed, flicking lighter fluid onto the sheets. She is threatening, in Annie’s sweet, shy way, to fry him.

Rob and Andy and I talked so much about that scene. Was it enough? Did she have to do more? We decided to go with it. But my feeling is that even with as brilliant a performer as Streep in the part, it would not have worked, because sitting out there in the dark, some part of us would have known that Meryl Streep wasn’t really going to incinerate Jimmy Caan.

But no one knew who Kathy Bates was. And because of that, not to mention her skill, the scene held. One of the advantages to working with an independent — which Castle Rock was in those days — is that they have more freedom in casting. No way Mr. Disney or the Brothers Warner would have us go with an unknown in the lead of what they hope would be a hit movie. And you know what? If I had been the head of a large studio, I wouldn’t have cast her either ….

Next up, Part 3: Casting Jimmy Caan

william goldman: “misery,” part 1

So let’s talk William Goldman, one of my big crush men. Or rather, let’s let him talk. I’m rereading Which Lie Did I Tell? Goldman’s book about his career, writing, Hollywood, gossip, his insecurities, etc., and whenever I reread it — which is frequently — I love it even more than the last time I read it. It’s a follow-up to Adventures in the Screen Trade, his first book on the same subject matter, also great. I just love Goldman’s voice. The way he just chats with you, lays it all out there, like you’re just sitting over a cup of coffee with him. He has a cut-to-the-chase way of writing these stories. Plus, he’s funny. And he’s funny about himself, which is always endearing to me. In the opening chapters, he talks about how some of his screenplays became movies and I’m going to be posting one of those chapters here, in several parts — the chapter on Misery. If you’re familiar with Misery, either through the book or the movie or both, I think you’ll enjoy this.

I’ll be quoting him exactly, using whatever language he uses, so if you’re likely to be offended by his swearing, then this is your chance to click away. Also, if you haven’t ever seen Misery, but might like to someday, click away. A really big spoiler coming up.

Okay. Think I’ve covered all the bases.

Begin the chapter on Misery!

Misery came about like this.

I got a call from Rob Reiner saying he was interested in this book by Stephen King and would I read it. He became interested when Andy Scheinman, Reiner’s producer, read it on a plane and wondered who owned the movie rights. The book had been in print for a while, was a number-one best-selling novel, standard for King.

They found out it hadn’t been sold — not for any lack of offers but because King wouldn’t sell it. He had disliked most of the movies made from his work and didn’t want this one, perhaps his favorite, Hollywooded up. Reiner called him and they talked. Now, one of the movies made from his fiction that King did like was Stand By Me, which Reiner directed. The conversation ended with King saying sure, he would sell it, but he would have to be paid a lot of money and that Reiner would have to either produce or direct it.

Reiner, who had no intention of directing, agreed. He would produce. He called me. I read Misery. I had read enough of King to know this: of all the phee-noms that have appeared in the past decades, King is the stylist. If he ever chooses to leave the world that has made him the most successful writer in memory, he won’t break a sweat. The man can write anything, he is that gifted.

Misery
is about a famous author who has a terrible car crash during a blizzard, is rescued by a nurse. Who turns out to be his number-one fan. Who also turns out to be very crazy. And who keeps him prisoner in her out-of-the-way Colorado home. It all ends badly for them (worse for her). I was having a fine old time reading it. I’m a novelist, too, so I identified with Paul Sheldon, who was not just trapped with a nut, but also trapped by his own fear of losing success. And Annie Wilkes, the nurse/warden, is one of King’s best creations.

When I do an adaptation, I have to be kicked by the source material. One of the ways I work is to read that material again and again. So if I don’t like it a lot going in, that becomes too awful. I wasn’t sure halfway through if I would write the movie, but I was enjoying the hell out of the novel.

Then on page 191 the hobbling scene began.

Paul Sheldon has managed to get out of the bedroom in his wheelchair, and he gets back in time to fool Annie Wilkes. This is more than a little important to him, because Annie is not the kind of lady you want real mad at you.

Except, secretly, she does know, and in the next fifteen pages, takes action.

I remember thinking, What in the world will she do? Annie has a volcanic temper. What’s in her head? She talks to Paul about his behavior and then she eventually works her way around to the Kimberly diamonds mines and asks him how he thinks they treat workers there who steal the merchandise. Paul says, I don’t know, kill them, I suppose. And Annie says, Oh, no, they hobble them.

And then, all for the need of love, she takes a propane torch and an ax and cuts his feet off, says, “Now you’re hobbled,” when the deed is done.

I could not fucking believe it
.

I mean, I knew she wasn’t going to tickle him with a peacock feather, but I never dreamt such behavior was possible. And I knew I had to write the movie. That scene would linger in the audiences’ memories, as I knew it would linger in mine.

The next half year or so is taken up with various versions, and I work with Reiner and Scheinman, the best producer I have ever known for script. We finally have a version they okay and we go director hunting. Our first choice is George Roy Hill, and he says yesss. Nirvana.

Then Hill calls and says he is changing his mind. We all meet. And Hill, who has never in his life done anything like this, explains. “I was up all night. And I just could not hear myself saying ‘Action’ on that scene. I just haven’t got the sensibility to do that scene.”

“What scene?” (I am in agony — I desperately want him to do it. He is tough, acerbic, brilliant, snarly, passionate.)

“The lopping scene.”

What madness is this? What lopping scene?

“The scene where she lops his feet off.”

“George, how can you be so wrong?” (After Butch Cassidy and Waldo Pepper, we have been through a lot together. The only way to survive with George is to give him shit right back.) “That is not a lopping scene, that is a hobbling scene. And it is great and it is the reason I took this movie and she only does it out of love.”

“Goldman, she lops his fucking feet off. And I can’t direct that.”

“It is the best scene in the movie when she hobbles him. It’s a character scene, for God’s sake.”

He would not budge. And, of course, since it was the most important scene and the best scene, it had to stay. A sad, sad farewell. We were about to send the script to Barry Levinson when Rob said, “To hell with it, I’ll direct it myself.”

And so the lopping-scene poll came into my life.

Because Hill has a brilliant movie mind and you must pay attention. Rob had no problem directing the scene. But what if George was right? I, of course, scoffed — the hobbling scene was a character scene, unlike anything yet filmed, and it was great and it was the reason I took the picture and it had to stay.

Still, we asked people. A poll was taken at Castle Rock, informally, on anyone who had read the script. “And what did you think of the lopping scene?” Rob would keep me abreast in New York. “A good day for the hobblers today, three secretaries said leave it alone.” That wasn’t exactly verbatim, but you get the idea.

Enter Warren Beatty. Beatty understands the workings of the town better than anyone. He has been a force for forty years, has been in an amazing number of flops, and whenever his career seems a tad shaky, he produces a wonderful movie or directs a wonderful movie and is safe for another half decade.

Beatty was interested in playing Paul. Rob and Andy met with him a lot and I spent a day there when the lopping scene came up. Beatty’s point was this: he had no trouble losing his feet at the ankles, but know that if you did that the guy would be crippled for life and would be a loser.

I said nonsense …. it was a great scene … a character scene …. was the reason I took the movie … Beatty waffled, casting continued. As did the lopping queries. I went on vacation as we were about to start, and while I was gone, Rob and Andy wanted to take a final pass at the script. I was delighted. They wanted it shorter, tighter, tauter, and are expert editors. When I got back, I read what they had done.

It was shorter, tighter, tauter —

— only the lopping scene was gone, replaced by what you saw in the movie — she breaks his ankles with a sledgehammer.

I scrreeamed.
I got on the phone with Rob and Andy and told them they had ruined the picture, that it was a great and memorable scene they had changed, it was the reason I had taken the job. I was incoherent (they are friends, they expect that) but I made my point. They just wouldn’t buy it. The lopping scene was gone now, forever replaced by the ankle-breaking scene. I hated it but there it was.

I am a wise and experienced hand at this stuff and I know when I am right.

And you know what?

I was wrong. It became instantly clear when we screened the movie. What they had done — it was exactly the same scene except for the punishment act — worked wonderfully and was absolutely horrific enough. If we had gone the way I wanted, it would have been too much. The audience would have hated Annie, and, in time, hated us.

If I had been in charge, Misery would have been this film you might have heard of but never have gone to see. Because people who had seen it would have told you to ride clear. What makes a movie a hit is not the star and not the advertising but the word of mouth. So in the movie business, as in real life, we all need all the help we can get. And we need it every step of the way.

Next up, Part 2: Casting Kathy Bates.