Doing some researching/reading about Stephen Sondheim and I discovered something I’d never known before: His musical of fractured fairy tales, Into the Woods, was slated to be made into a film in the mid-90s. Uhm, seriously?? Damn. I would have loved to have seen that! I almost wish I didn’t know this because the fact that it never happened is now instantly and forever a bummer to me. Ignorance IS bliss. I became familiar with the show in the early 90s through repeated watchings of a copied videotape of this version — featuring the Broadway cast. I watched it repeatedly until the tape wore out. Or got stuck in the player and ruined. Or some other sad end to it all.
Anyhoo.
Seems in about October 1994, a reading of the script was held at the home of director Penny Marshall. Oh, and this is where I will list the cast that was in place at the time and then yea or nay these choices for this movie that never got made. Which makes total sense to me.
So let’s proceed apace with my totally moot, irrelevant approval or disapproval of the casting for a never-made movie circa 1995:
Robin Williams as The Baker — Uhm, I say …. nay on this casting. I say nay to Robin Williams in general. I’m trying to think whom I’d prefer. How ’bout Billy Crystal instead? Yup. That’s better. Less frenetic. Less spastic. Less hairy.
Goldie Hawn as The Baker’s Wife — Yes. I like it.
Cher as The Witch — Played on Broadway by Bernadette Peters. I can’t decide if Cher in this role is a disastrous or brilliant idea. I think I say yes.
Steve Martin as The Wolf — Hahahahaha! I love The Wolf. In his big number, “Hello, Little Girl,” he spends the entire song leering and basically orgasmic about the possibility of devouring Little Red Riding Hood and her bony, crunchy grandma. Steve Martin could have been hilarious. Genius, even. Now that I think about it, the fact that I will never see him in this role makes the bummer even bigger. Leaps and bounds bigger.
Danny DeVito as The Giant — So joke casting, right? Um, okay. The giant is supposed to be a woman — she’s the widow of the giant killed by Jack — but done right, it could have been funny. Uh, I guess?
Elijah Wood as Jack — Perfect, I think, for empty-headed Jack.
Roseanne as Jack’s Mother — Played on Broadway by Barbara Byrne, a woman with a wonderfully ditzy, offhand, vacant way about her — you might remember her as Constanze’s mother in Amadeus, but Roseanne in this role might have been great. A completely different energy — the loud-mouthed brassy broad as Jack’s Mother.
Bebe Neuwirth as Cinderella’s Stepmother — I love Bebe Neuwirth, so yes.
Mayim Bialik as Little Red Riding Hood — Of Beaches and Blossom fame. Uhm, hm. Would she have been too precious and “spunky”? Eck. Danielle Ferland, the original Red, was part Shirley Temple, part total bully, and a complete riot. Bialik always seemed too packaged to me somehow. I say no. Put Danielle in there.
Samantha Mathis as Rapunzel — Older “Amy” from Little Women? Well, she was high-maintenance back then and Rapunzel is a screaming sobbing nutjob, so okay. I can see it.
Brendan Fraser as Rapunzel’s Prince — Oh, Sweet Lord, YES! As the prince who sings to his prince brother about how impossible it is to love Rapunzel? “AGONY! Much more painful than yours/When you know she would go with you/If there only were doors/” Yes, a thousand times. He’d be perfect.
Moira Kelly as Cinderella — Yes. She’s from The Cutting Edge, right? That completely cheesy guilty-pleasure ice skating movie? I say yes on this one, too. Cinderella is more independent, more savvy, less insane than Rapunzel. Which makes sense if you think about it — given their circumstances.
Kyle MacLachlan as Cinderella’s Prince — Lord, YES! Brendan Fraser and Kyle MacLachlan singing “Agony”?? Please. Heaven. I am so so bummed that this movie didn’t get made.
Wah.
Wah.
Uhm.
Okey-dokey. Well. This is probably the most bizarre, non-sequitur post I’ve done — in, well, really not that long, actually. And with me drunk again, no less. Does anybody else have any thoughts about it? Yes, I do realize that we are discussing a non-existent movie from 13 years ago. It could even seem insane on the surface. But dig deeper, my friend, to the sane and shining core. You’ll see. Plus, I love discussing casting stuff — about anything. Real or imagined. Obviously.
Anything? Anybody?
“Is anybody there? Does anybody care? Does anybody see what I seeeeee?”
Go to bed, Trace. Lord.
Oh wow. I care – and I’m totally sober and having my morning coffee. I have it on videotape somewhere, and on vinyl as well. I pretty much agree with your assessment on the cast (definitely no on Robin as the Baker). I’m just still sitting here with my mouth open at the whole “what if” part of it all. Wow. I still occasionally break into songs from that show…I naturally had the whole thing memorized and it still plays in my head at times.
Wow. I love this non sequitor post of yours. My day will now have a soundtrack. 🙂
Excellent analysis. . . even if I’m not really familiar with the musical. Don’t throw tomatoes at me, but I was thinking Melissa Joan Hart for Red Riding Hood as I was reading your, um, scorn for Blossom. MJH has such an enjoyable beeyatchy streak at times.
I used to cast movies in my head like this all the time. Still do, at times. Brendan Fraser and Kyle McLaughlin would have been ultra-terrific in those roles.
Last summer the Ladybug and I saw a local performance of this at the Jersey Shore Arts Center in Neptune. She knows one of the regular producers there. Quite well done. I loved their baker. I think I still have the program, I’ll see if I can look up the name of the guy.
Robin Williams? A thousand times NO. Crikey. (Actually, Brendan Fraser would make a pretty good baker, too.)
Kyle MacLachlan is an inspired choice. What a bummer that this never came to fruition! Maybe now? On the heels of the Sweeney Todd success??
My cousin played the Baker’s Wife on Broadway in the recent revival (with Vanessa Williams) so I must put in my vote for her to play the part!!
And I love Brendan Fraser. I mean, come ON, isn’t he awesome??
A friend of mine just told me about this musical and insisted that the kids and I see it. Too bad I’ll have to miss out on Brendan Fraser though!
Jayne — I love “what ifs” about casting! This one is almost tormenting me, though.
Kate P — MJH, huh? You know, maybe. She might work. The girl in the Broadway version was just so … singular, though. Her energy was unique. She’s forever etched in my head.
NF — I think Brendan Fraser is just too strapping a fellow to play The Baker, too leading man gorgeous. I picture The Baker as smaller, more nebbish. That’s why I went with Billy Crystal. Remember, this would have been circa ’95. But Brendan Fraser, besides being basically gorgeous, has a very deft comedic touch. The guy is too underrated and it bugs me. He’d be freakin’ brilliant as Rapunzel’s prince.
sheila — YES! Cousin Kerry, right? I’m sure she would be amazing! And Brendan Fraser ….. sighhhh …. On Kyle MacLachlan — when I was in Seattle, he was all the rage; the city was very proprietary about him. Local boy — went to UW — made his name down at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. He had set that place ablaze apparently. (I never got to see him there, sadly.) Then, of course, “Dune” and “Twin Peaks” happened and he was huge.
He would have been great in this. The two of those guys together — hahahaha. I’m just laughing at the totally inspired contrast.
Oh, Hollywood! Please reconsider! Make this movie!
I’m laughing because what you said is so true.
“Robin Williams as The Baker — Uhm, I say …. nay on this casting. I say nay to Robin Williams in general. I’m trying to think whom I’d prefer. How ’bout Billy Crystal instead? Yup. That’s better. Less frenetic. Less spastic. Less hairy.”
Oh, my stars, yes. (And yes on the Steve Martin bit as well – damn, he would have been wonderful.)
ricki — YES on the Steve Martin thing. Seems like around that time –90s — or a little bit before, he was starting to do the more generic, fatherly roles. This would have given him a chance to just be crazy again. Out there. I love that Steve Martin. Btw — He has a role in the recent movie “Baby Mama” that makes the entire movie worth watching. (Although, I have to say, I might be one of the few who liked this movie a lot because I’m just predisposed to love Tina Fey and Amy Pohler — I don’t care what they do, just DO it. Love them.) But Steve Martin is hilarious in the movie. Small part. HUGE impact. NOT a dad.
I am not familiar with this musical, but I had to comment about The Cutting Edge. I totally agree-very cheesy, completely sucks you in. Gets me everytime.