What is WRONG with you?? Didn’t your mama raise you right??
This is a post-holiday picture of just one section of one of the beaches where I live. Overall, 8,000 pounds of trash were collected.
Well, at least now I know how all the Beanhouse customers spent their 4th of July.
(And you sillies thought you wanted to come here for summer vacation. You are just precious.)
You know, if I want to believe in the life-changing brightening power of Crest Whitestrips, then I should be allowed to do so unmocked and unimpeded by a certain other naysaying inhabitant of this household.
You know, he’s all “woo-hoo” if I skip about the house all starkers and whatnot, which is dangerous if you think about it, because what if there’s a hot iron nearby and I third-degree burn my delicate, starkers skin? Or what if there’s a puddle of wine on the floor from his snooty wine club and I slip and fall and bruise my delicate, starkers skin? Oh, no. He’s all down for that. In a lecherous, uncaring way, I might add.
But try, just try to improve yourself in some small way that doesn’t involve nudity, but does involve the mild, 30-minute unattractiveness of a little strippy thing in your mouth and he’s like:
Him: WHAT’S THAT?
Me (trying to talk through the plastic strippy thing): Ish da Whiteshrips I gah.
Him: Huuhh. Okay. Lemme see. Smile.
(I muster a grimace because the strippy thing is strippy but not really so grippy, to tell you the truth, and more than once since it’s been in my mouth for the last 7 minutes, the stupid strippy thing has slipped off my teeth while I’ve inhaled, attempting — I think — to choke me with its peroxide strippiness thereby escaping its stated duty to whiten my teeth to their absolute whitest. Stupid, lazy, chokey strip.)
(But, wait. I mean, I still believe in you, Strippy. I swear. Don’t be mad.)
Him (laughing): It’s like you have gooey schoolgirl braces or something!
Me: Okay. Fine. You’ll see. You just sit over there with your jealous yellow teeth. You’ll see!
(Thaaaat’s right. You’ll see, Peaches — soon enough — when I bite you with my star-white teeth whilst you sleep leaving a star-white scar on ….. something …. somewhere …..)
Addendum: Okay. The box does say “Do not swallow plastic strip,” which, frankly, Crest, I find rather condescending. But does the box post a warning anywhere about rogue Whitestrips that just might try to kill you out of sheer laziness and dereliction of duty?? No, people. No it DOES not.
Also: “Some people may experience sensitivity when using Crest Whitestrips Classic — this is temporary and not harmful.”
You know what, Crest? Bite me. It’s not like I was all hysterical or anything. Jeez.
Some great ol’ Americana postcards I found in honor of this day.
“Then ring the bells and fire the guns …..” at cats, apparently:
Ah, the good ol’ days.
Sooo, have a freedom-loving, flag-waving, cat-shooting kind of 4th, everyone!!
Okay. Go here to this gallery of dime store toy packaging.
Oh, and come back.
Let’s discuss, shall we?
— The one that says, “If you put on a pair of spectacles and a set of tiger teeth, you will be changed to a wonderful man immediately”?? Um, Lee Marvin, GOD KNOWS the pain I felt watching you grunt out songs in Paint Your Wagon, but you didn’t have to resort to modeling for dime store toy packaging with a broken comb in your mouth, did you? DID YOU??
— The Cat Rabbit Mask. “Hey bullies! Wonderin’ who to beat up next??”
— Cat Face the Terrible, Feared from Coast to Coast, just in case you don’t want to be a cat and a rabbit and dead. Now, I AM scared by Cat Face the Terrible, but only because Cat Face the Terrible is clearly a Sleestack disguised as a cowboy and it really shivers me timbers. Just look at those big buggy eyes. STOP IT, SLEESTACK COWBOY! You sicken me.
— The “Hillbily Doll.” Made by Hillbilies. Spelled by Hillbilies. I kinda want wun.
— Okay. The Plastic Hut is clearly NOT an “educational and funny toy.” It is a chore. Involving pecky little chickens. Sorry, Billy. But that is obviously a pecky chicken guillotine and those other pecky chickens have no clue they’re about to be finger-lickin’ GOOOOD and Billy has no clue that the “educational and funny” part comes when he learns the real and bloody meaning of “running around like a chicken with its head cut off.”
“And don’t you be comin’ back in this house, boy, til you larn you that lessin and you plucked all dem chicks!!”
Damn Hillbilies.
— Shrunken Heads! What?! Those weren’t real? (Don’t tell my brother.)
— UFO Wonder Gun. Spare Ammo. Hm. You know, I don’t really care for a toy that implies I can’t or WON’T be able to kill the evil one-eyed space alien that wants to kill ME. I don’t like a toy that basically says, “Good luck, kid. You’re gonna need it.” Look, toy, do you believe in me or don’t you? Do you have my back or don’t you?? Because if you’re just gonna toss me some extra shells and run away all scaredy cat, then let’s just end this right here, right now. I don’t need your scorn. You sicken me.
— Wear a Wierdo. Look, Hillbilies. You are wearing me out. There’s a reason you’re still Hillbilies. Du you no what it is?
— Bob Doll. Um, Bob, WHAT are you doing posing all puffed-up on the beach in your grungy grey undies? Didn’t Mom Doll ever teach you the importance of clean underwear? Didn’t Mom Doll ever show you how to avoid unsightly greying of your laundry whites? Do you even see that chick splashing willy-nilly in the water just to get away from you and your grungy greyness?? Sorry, Bob. I just can’t hang with a toy with such blatant contempt for cleanliness.
— Darling Baby. Now, that thing is just a freak. Why do I feel I’m looking at kiddie p-o-r-n? Why do I feel the need to call the cops? Why can’t I shake the feeling that Darling Baby grows up to be Bob Doll?
— Insult Cards, 25 cents? What an insult.
— A Life-Alike Rabbit made with unbreakable polyethylene. I had a Life-Alike Rabbit once. His name was Hopscotch and l loved him and hopped around with him and scolded him for his perpetual pellet making and buried him the day I find him in his cage all stiff and stretched out and decidedly non-Life-Alike. Shoulda gotten one made with unbreakable polyethylene.
— Lovely Toys. Oh, the ego on you. If only I had a 25-cent insult card to take you down a peg, you uppity little toy!!
— The Mobile one is my favorite, I think. I like how it’s straightforward and unpretentious and Alexander Calder-y. It just is what it is. You, Mobile, you would be my friend.
— And the last one, Plastic Goofy Teeth, Life-Like in a Dopy Way: Well, let’s just agree never to speak again of the pitiful decline of Lee Marvin we’ve all witnessed here. At least he’s dead now.
And damn you, dopy Hillbilies. You sicken me.
Actress Tuesday Weld, when asked by a reporter what drove her into seclusion in the ’70s:
“I think it was a Buick.”
(Okay. It’s not technically Monday, but I’m not staying up til midnight to post this and I don’t know how to fudge the date, so bleeah. It’s Monday! It IS!!)
And now, no segue.
Soooo ….. (actually, “soooo” is a perfectly appropriate segue, in my opinion) … more from the Magellan book I’m reading: Over the Edge of the World, by Laurence Bergreen.
Well, the whole mutiny thing I mentioned here has already happened — at least the attempt — and the ships have only been at sea for about 2 months. In a surprising turn, it was led by the inexperienced, disgruntled fellow who’d been granted equal status to Magellan’s by the Head of the Spanish House of Commerce. Magellan was prepared so the attempt failed, but I have a feeling much worse things are a’comin’. Turns out, though, King Charles never intended for this man, Cartagena, and Magellan to share power. But, you see, Cartagena was the illegitimate son of the Head of the House of Commerce and the House’s purposes were served by removing Magellan’s partner — a Portuguese — and replacing him with Cartagena, a Spaniard, who, along with a few other key Spaniards on board, was given final say over the disposition of the fleet, its resources, and its proceeds. Yowsa, Magellan. At this point, Cartagena’s been labeled a mutineer and stripped of his command, but he’s still there, obviously, and still has influence with the crew members and hasn’t magically become experienced or gruntled.
Raise your hand if you think this does not bode well?
The ship stopped in Rio de Janeiro where the crew — uh, made nice with the naked native ladies and Magellan traded with the men:
He took on fresh supplies of water and provision, trading insignificant trinkets, such as tiny bells that he had brought with him from Seville, for precious food. “The people of this place gave for a knife or fishhook five or six fowls and for a comb, a brace of geese,” Pigafetta (the ship’s diarist) wrote. “For a small mirror or a pair of scissors, they gave as many fish as ten men could have eaten. For a bell or a leather lace, they gave us a basketful of fruit. And for a king of playing cards, of the kind used in Italy, they gave me five fowls and even thought they cheated me.”
This bit is fascinating to me — what each culture valued, how they took advantage of one another. Here’s another excerpt from their time ashore in Rio:
“One day, a beautiful woman came to the flagship, where I was,” Pigafetta wrote, “for no other reason than to seek what chance might offer. While there and waiting, she cast her eyes upon the master’s room and saw a nail longer than one finger. Picking it up very delightedly and neatly, she thrust it between the lips of her vagina, and bending down low, immediately departed, the Captain General (Magellan) and I having seen the action.”
The reason for the astonishing behavior was the great value the natives placed on metal objects such as nails, hammers, hooks, and mirrors, all of which were considered to be more valuable than gold, more valuable, perhaps, than life itself.
Um, owie owie owie owie owie owie OWIE!!!
I’ve read that several times now and I cross my legs every damn time.
One final note for Magellan Monday:
Seems one sailor was found sodomizing one of the young boys on board. Spanish law at the time set the punishment at death — death by strangulation. So tie a rope around his neck and throw him overboard, right? I mean, that seems expeditious, right? So of course, that’s what they’d do, right?? Nope.
On the appointed date of execution, one of the sailors — hooded, to protect his identity — just hands-on strangled the offender in full view of the other men, as a warning.
I’m telling you, I can’t keep reading with my heart racing and my eyes bugging out and my legs crossed real tight.
It’s very uncomfy.
…. I’m takin’ a break until Monday.
Besides, blogging is totally interfering with my World Cupping.
Here’s the ad I just saw on TV:
A smiling woman stands in front of an elaborate background featuring: plain blue. She’s smiling, yes, BUT, according to the voiceover, she has a killer headache. She continues to smile despite the killer headache and begins to robotically rub what looks like Ban roll-on across her forehead. She is STILL smiling even though her forehead is now slick and dripping with Ban roll-on and how is that not getting in her eyes and she just keeps rubbing and I really don’t think she understands what Ban roll-on is for.
I begin to doubt she really has a headache.
Suddenly, the voiceover voice starts YELLING at me, repeatedly — like the night I stayed at my girlfriend’s house and it was too hot and I couldn’t sleep so I opened the window a just a crack, I swear, and a voiceover voice SCREAMED
“YOU HAVE VIOLATED A PROTECTED AREA!! YOU HAVE VIOLATED A PROTECTED AREA!! YOU HAVE VIOLATED A PROTECTED AREA!!”
like I was a RAPIST or something. But I have to admit I thought it was kinda funny to watch my friend run spastically up and down the hallway while her little kid also ran spastically up and down the hallway whilst holding onto his crotch like grim death.
Um, anyway ….. oh, the commercial!
No, so this voiceover voice was YELLING too. This is what it yelled:
“HEAD ON — APPLIED DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! HEAD ON — APPLIED DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! HEAD ON — APPLIED DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!!!”
OKAAAY, DUDE! CALM DOWN! STOP YELLING AT ME! YOU’RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!
YOU HAVE VIOLATED A PROTECTED AREA!!!!
