Category: etc.

So I dreamed last night that I was back in college. Some random college, not my college, because my college wouldn’t have done to me what this horrible dream college did to me last night.

You see, all the girls at this wretched dream college were forced to take a cheerleading class. It was required. Every girl. No guys. Just the girls.

In the dream, I was late to the first day of class. The room was packed. A perky female professor bounced around up front. I tried to slip into a seat in the back, when the perky professor called out, “L! A! T! E! Don’t you try to mess with me! You’re late! Very very late!” Every head in that room turned to stare at the impertinent girl who was oh so very L-A-T-E. I just slumped into the nearest seat and class resumed.

As it turned out, the class was some kind of weird cheerleading/history class amalgam. Near the end of the hour, the entire class was involved in an inspiring re-enactment of the Peloponnesian War. One large group of girls was Sparta. Another large group was Athens. Ten stragglers, including me, were divided by the perky professor into two groups of five.

We, of course, were the cheerleaders for the Peloponnesian War.

My group was the cheerleading squad from Athens.

(WOO-HOO! Go, Athens!!)

We sat cowering in the upper corner of the room while the war raged stupidly below us. The cheer squad for Sparta, on the other side of the room, also cowered. What did the perky professor expect from us?

A very large girl in my group looked at me and whispered frantically, “I think we’re supposed to do a cheer.”

“I don’t know any cheers.”

“You have blonde hair. You’re not a cheerleader?” (Hello, dream stereotype.)

“No!”

“Not even in high school?”

“Nope.”

“Well, we have to do something!”

From the front of the class, the perky professor sing-songed to us, “Gir-rrrrls!! Things are happening up here! Where are your cheers? Your soldiers need you!!”

And then ……. sad, but true …… I woke up! Right then! I don’t know what happened!

So, peeps, I leave it to you. Please tell me: What happened to dream Tracey and the cheer squads for the entire Peloponnesian War?

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ……

From our Thanksgiving trip.

I have no recollection whatsoever of taking this picture.

Sometimes I just revel in the things that come out of MB’s mouth. Little off-hand comments, practically muttered to himself, can sometimes send me into shrieking hysterics. Like today, just now, we’re watching the Chargers play the Tennessee Titans. We’re on offense. Our QB is having a hard time finding his arm today. We’re both feeling frustrated. From next to me on the couch comes a mumbled, “Man …. they’re really porking it to Philip Rivers.”

And I’m gone. Gone. I can’t explain it, really. I’m just gone. Shaking, wiping tears. Then — I don’t know why — I ask, “What is that, exactly? I mean, I know basically, but what is ‘porking’ exactly?”

“Porking is gross lovemaking.”

“So make love, but be gross about it.”

“Right.”

“Okay.”

We are both howling.

He is precious.

MB emerges from the downstairs bathroom. I am just sitting there, bored, so I demand, all shrill:

“All right. So …. where is this headed?? What do you see happening between us??”

“Oh, you know. A little of this. A little of that. No big whup.”

There are hand gestures involved on “this” and “that,” but not the ones you might expect.
I explode in laughter and he just says what we always say when one of us trumps the other, “Annnnnnd ….. scene.”

He walks upstairs and leaves me sitting there, defeated.

Drat him, anyway.

Okay. I’m feeling really assy about the post below. I’ll leave it up, but I should have thought better of it. I’m being a big ol’ baby and, in the end, it’s none of my business. Sorry, everyone. Weak moment.

Time for another round of Rank ‘Em! We did this a while back with American Idol winners.

This time, your favorite Christmas carols. The ones that really get you in the mood or tap into fond memories or whatever. Just your favs, you know. So 2 lists: One secular; the other, well, more nativity themed. Religious, if you will, ‘tho I don’t like that word.

Okay. Here’s mine. I had a very hard time putting this together and I’m still ready to change it with my very next breath. Hard to choose, peeps! Just try it!

Tracey’s Top Five Secular Christmas Carols:

1. Christmastime is Here (from Charlie Brown Christmas)
2. Winter Wonderland
3. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
4. Sleigh Ride
5. You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

Tracey’s Top Five Nativity-Themed Christmas Carols:

1. O Holy Night
2. Silent Night
3. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
4. O Little Town of Bethlehem
5. In the Bleak Midwinter

Oh, I don’t know! I keep wanting to change it! Oh, well. I’ll just leave this as it is. (AGHH! Did I mention this was hard?)

All right. Now … how about you guys? Your turn.

Ready? Rank ’em!

Uhm, you know, just talked on the phone to him .

That I can’t stop laughing. I watched it over and over up at the in-laws’. I tried to introduce my MIL to the joys of Pearl, The Landlord — thinking that Pearl would bond us forever in a special way and that, if nothing else, we could always remember the moment we shared together laughing at Pearl, her rage, her swearing, her drunken antics. I was so sure that our shared experience of Pearl would make her finally say to everyone, “Since Pearl The Landlord came along, I actually like Tracey and/or find her tolerable” but, you know, she didn’t laugh. Not once. Not a peep. A sound. Didn’t even crack a smile. She just frowned. A lot. Said it wasn’t particularly funny. Then I went outside in the cold dark middle of nowhere and slit my wrists.

But I have recovered miraculously through the healing powers of stupidity by watching this over and over and over! It embiggens my heart and makes me want to live again!

So if your heart is shriveled and you have recently slit your wrists and your mother-in-law hates you, watch this and BE HEALED!!

God bless stupid.