Episode 2 — a quick spastic rundown of “Celebrity Apprentice” ….
~ The task is to make a 30-second PSA about pet adoption for the client, Pedigree Dog Food. Gene Simmons volunteers to be project manager for the men’s team — oh, whose name is Hydra, by the way. The women’s team, Empresario (isn’t that spelled wrong? That’s how they’re spelling it) is headed this week by some Latina television producer, Nely Galan.
~ The women meet with the clients, pepper them with questions, really want to “get a bead” on what the clients would like.
~ Gene Simmons doesn’t do that. Nope. He says, “Let’s get going. We don’t have a lot a time,” basically.
~ The women write a spot, telling the tales of three different adoptable dogs, voiceover by Marilu Henner. They don’t openly use their celebrity, yet again.
~ Meanwhile, the men — led by Gene Simmons, did I mention? — decide to have one of their teammates, former heavyweight boxing champ Lennox Lewis, interact with just one dog in their commercial, capitalizing on the contrast between the size of Lewis and the size of the dog and doesn’t that tug at your heart and all. The dog is an adorable English bulldog. (I love adorable English bulldogs.) During their war meeting, Ivanka Trump comes to check their progress. Gene Simmons, with what I absolutely think was an “I think she’s hot” gleam in his eye, says to her as she’s leaving, to her back, “So, as a female, are you now going to spill what you heard here to the women’s team?” Ivanka — who clearly has inherited her dad’s legendary sense of humor — marches indignantly back to Simmons, fire in her eyes — which, hullo, Peaches, is EXACTLY what he WANTED — and lets him have it. Simmons just watches her with the gleam, always the gleam. Don’t you see? He wants you, Princess! He’s playing a game and you just played into his hand! I thought it was hysterical, watching her Ice Princess demeanor melt into righteous uppity indignation, watching Simmons just look amused. He’s wildly entertaining.
~ Stephen Baldwin — yes, that’s the Baldwin — directs the men’s spot. He’s kinda bossy and has those weird devil eyes. Simmons, though, is actually very positive and willing to let someone else use their strength. He constantly wears his sunglasses, perhaps to lessen the radioactive glow emanating from Baldwin’s pale pale eyes. (My eyeball issues are showing again.) Throughout the whole project, Simmons says things like, “That’s terrific.” “I think it’s great.” He’s supportive. Also, he never sits. Ever. He stands, full height, hands clasped in front of him, like some Brillo-haired butler.
~ The women’s spot is good, but they’re told “Too many dogs.” Much like Emperor Joseph told Mozart in Amadeus “Too many notes.”
~ The men’s spot is brilliant. Lennox Lewis with the bulldog IS really adorable. He throws a tennis ball across a wood floor, the bulldog runs, skitters, goes sliding, Lewis laughs in the background. You see the dog behind bars first; then you see his new life with Lewis. The voiceover by team member and country singer Trace Adkins is a stroke of genius. Simmons calls his voice “the voice of God.” It’s this amazing resonant bass. He says it and you WILL do it because you are helpless against its power. It’s perfect. The spot talks about “be a champion — adopt a pet.”
~ The men win. The clients — who were really pissed at Simmons for not meeting with them, haha — love it so much they want to air it during the National Dog Show. Big win for our Gene Simmons.
~ BUT …… let’s not forget Princess. She’s there, in the boardroom, with her blonde hair and good humor, and she HAS to mention the incident with Simmons. Trump gets righteously indignant just like his daughter, although much less attractively, and says to Simmons, “Did you insult my daughter?? NO ONE insults my daughter!!” Simmons takes OFF his sunglasses, looks in her uppity eyes, and sincerely apologizes. Or is so used to dealing with so many many women that he knows how to FAKE a sincere apology. The Trumps instantly calm down, placated by Simmons’ rock star solemnity. It is a sublime moment.
~ I’m telling you, people. What else is there to watch on TV right now? This is entertainment. If Simmons gets fired along the way, I’ll probably stop watching, but for now, I’m gonna ride this crazy wagon train all the way to Detroit Rock City!! (Uhm, I am completely sleep deprived today.)
~ Stay tuned for next week’s episode! Previews promise more fireworks between Simmons and Miss Ivanka!!
rude.
