An unedited quote directly from today’s edition of The San Diego Union-Tribune.
The future is here, peaches:
Georgia Tech researchers found a new way to convert irregular biomechanical energy into electricity. They put a tiny jacket, attached to nanogenerators, on a hamster and harvested energy as the hamster ran and scratched itself.
Look. I know. I know. You’re freaking out. You were worried about all the wind farms soon to be cluttering our open spaces, but now you’re suddenly worrying about tripping over all the zillions and zillions of hamster wheels that will soon overwhelm our country’s landscape. I understand. I do. It’s hard to imagine that our future may involve being Hamster Overlords on a mind-boggling scale, but I think we need to think this through. That’s what I’m here for. So let’s just take a breath and analyze the pros and cons of the advent of rodent energy.
~ Well, okay. I imagine you can forget about that furnace in your basement. It’s now a dinosaur. The future in energy is rodents and you need to get on board, Crackie. Hamster Power Activate!! and all that jazz. Soon, your basement will become like a old-timey ship’s galley: Hordes of Ben-Hur hamsters chained to their wheels, running their teeny little feet off so you can watch CSI: Miami, dropping dead at an alarming rate, needing to be replaced hourly. On the upside, you can yell at them all you want and whip them relentlessly with some noodles or string. They won’t moan or cry out or rise up against you. They’re hamsters, pippa! They’ll just run and run and run until they don’t anymore.
~ In addition to our coming omnipotence over our rodent minions, there’s this: Our economy needs help, jobs, life support. Think of all the new jobs sure to be created from the need for billions of those tiny hamster jackets. Someone will need to make all the tiny hamster jackets. Maybe even you, if you’re lucky and the jobs aren’t outsourced. You’ll sit at your sewing machine, cutting eensy little pattern pieces, endlessly pinning them on your stuffed hamster model, sewing til you’re cross-eyed, trying to reach your quota of a million jackets a day. The American Dream will be yours!
More rodent energy jobs available:
Hamster Galley Manager: Although, let’s be honest: Getting them to sign the form whenever they’re written up for slacking or having sex with each other will be a real pain in the fanny, man.
Hamster Chain Supplier: Look. It’s up to you, of course, if you want to keep your hamsters free range, but it will be a lot harder to get them to concentrate on making our lives possible. I recommend chains to keep them focused and in place. Luckily, you will be able to purchase them from your local hamster chain supplier. If you can’t afford chains for the thousands of hamsters now slaving in the dark of your basement, you can have your little Johnny fashion them out of foil.
Hamster Sensitivity Trainer: We can’t have hamster harassers on the job demoralizing other hamsters. I mean, that will be our job. WE, the humans, will be the bosses, the harangue-ers, the harassers, because, after all, we will be the Hamster Overlords. Certain pervy hamsters will have to be taught not to comment on how another hamster’s bottom looks as it “works that wheel” or how much they want “just three seconds, three seconds with that” and etc. I think we can all agree that our future depends on hard-working sensitive rodent slaves.
Hamster Union Leader: Frustrating, though. A real trial to get them to hold the “STRIKE” signs. But just wait. This job is sadly inevitable. Some crusading Norma Rae hamster will come along and ruin everything for the rest of us just trying to get an honest day’s work from our lazy malingering rodents.
“Hamster Bull” Energy Drink Sales: Uhm, duh. Everyone will need to keep their galley hamsters hopped up on the stuff. I mean, this is obvious, right?
Hamster Dentist: Yes. I understand this seems obscure, but those little buggers like to gnaw, don’t they? We can’t have them escaping their chains or gnawing the walls desperate to find fresh air. No. Upstarts will not be tolerated. A toothless hamster is a productive hamster; therefore, in our near and glorious future, all galley hamsters will need nothin’ but gums.
For that matter …
Hamster Dental Equipment Manufacturer: Um, again, I know I’m being so boring and obvious here, but them whippersnappers is LIDDLE. Their teeth, aka undesirable tools of potential freedom: LIH-DUL. So, naturally, any Hamster Dentist will need special equipment to render all plague carriers toothless.
Oh! For that matter …
Hamster Blinder Manufacturer: Or HBM, for short, because, lordy, that is just too hard to say. But you know the blinds horses wear when they’re racing? Well, we’re gonna need itty bitty versions of those for all our galley hamsters. Eyes on the wheel, vermin, eyes on the wheel. We don’t want distracted hamsters. Looking around at other hamsters is bad for morale. Distracted hamsters become slow and lustful.
Oh! For that matter ….
Hamster Sex Facilitator: Hamster sex will be necessary, of course. Our ability to text message and use our iPods will ultimately depend on hamster sex and procreation. No power, no battery charging, right? But we don’t want our rodent slaves whoring it up on the job. No one needs that free-for-all. No, their lust must be contained. Plus, they like to eat their babies which would seriously lessen the hamster population which, in turn, would seriously lessen our quality of life. So Hamster Sex Facilitators will be necessary to discourage hamster orgies and separate hamsters throughout the day for productive trysts — or “lovemaking” should individual hamsters prefer to call it that.
Hamster Grave Digger: No upper body strength necessary! Teaspoon provided.
Now, this is really just a smattering of ideas, pippa. I’m sure I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of all the potential rodent energy jobs. All the shiny new possibilities make my heart go pitterpat with joy.
Hope and Change and Hamsters!
Let us move forward and embrace our future as Hamster Overlords.
Si, Se Puede!!
YES, WE CAN!!
