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i hate doctors

It’s official. I hate doctors. Now, true, I haven’t liked them in general for quite a while because they haven’t had a whole lot of good news for MB and me over the years. Then, of course, there was the Obli Doctor and his incompetent stabbing of the hideous and horribly located obli (unscramble the letters — I still can’t say it) and the Pneumonia Doctor who pointed out the “gas” and “poop” on my x-ray and made me turn the beetiest of beet reds while he chuckled at me like a condescending weenie. In his defense, I did ASK him what that alien “Mr. Bill-looking thingie” was inside my body, but did he lie to spare me the embarrassment of it all? No. No, he did not. I mean, look, Slappy. My temperature is 104. My pulse is 150. Cut me some slack. Do not point out my “gas” and “poop” — EVEN IF I ASK. I am delirious and deathly ill. Necrotic and awful. Comprende?

But my enmity for doctors is spreading, going national, because I now hate every plastic surgeon in New York in a deeply personal way.

Because I now KNOW every plastic surgeon in New York in a deeply personal way.

And Old Yeller? Mustard Teeth Guy? Honestly, you seem to have had a brow lift and yet your teeth are little yellow beach pebbles. Where are your priorities? Brows over TEETH? I mean, if a patient peed that color, you would no doubt hook them up to an IV of saline, do a urinalysis, a CBC, a CMP, now and STAT! and all that other medical mumbo-jumbo.

The thing is …. your teeth …. they actually ENRAGE me, which can only mean that all this talk of breast mounds has truly sent me ’round the bend.

Or mound.

Or whatever.

Stay tuned for even more blather including: priceless hoity-toity doctor quotes.

Yamahama, Crackie. For doctor types, they sure be dumb.

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lessons from doctors

So I’m editing a ton of video interviews with these hoity-toity Manhattan plastic surgeons. Basically, every plastic surgeon in Manhattan, it would seem. A massive, sort of soul-sucking undertaking — oh, how I hate editing the spoken word — but good money. So I’ll be a little absent until Friday is good and gone.

I’m learning SO much about breasts, though. Weird, because I kind of considered myself an expert since I came with two and have to corral them on a daily basis, but seems I don’t know everything.

For instance, did you know it’s very challenging to make a “breast mound that looks like a breast mound”? It’s true. One doctor looked straight into the camera and said that to me, in a voice a little low and rumbly and inappropriate.

You know what I said to him in response?

“Doc, your teeth are yellow like dried mustard. Do you know NO ONE who does teeth whitening? Aren’t you filthy stinking rich?? Also please stop talking about breast mounds. I’m delicate.”

But he didn’t listen. He just kept droning on and on about breast mounds, those two words slipping through his ochre teeth until I became uncomfy in my own skin and hyper aware of my own breast mounds. And I’m usually fine with them.

Another doctor was very nervous and fat and basically pre-verbal in front of the camera. He broke out in flop sweat. The entire interview, he glistened like an Easter ham and I wanted nothing more than to stick him with cloves. And, you know, I’d say “aww, poor guy,” I would, but he’s clearly not poor. Just ….. socially marginal.

Another doctor went on a rant about doctors who ignore “the human element”:

“So you’re an oncologist and you walk into the examination room and say, ‘You know you’re going to lose your hair, right?’ I mean, those are the first words out of your mouth? Who does that? Who says that? I don’t care what kind of physician you are. Make believe you’re a human first.”

And right there, on the spot, I looked him dead in his pre-recorded eyes and declared my undying love for him, porn ‘stache and all, because honestly, that — THAT — is genius.

Those are words to live by.

I can think of several people at a recent church I attended who really need to hear these life-changing words:

Make believe you’re a human first.

So, thanks, Doc.

But, seriously, shave that thing or name it.

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word searches

Sometimes I love going through the Google searches that bring people to this little ol’ blog. It’s funny. Also depressing. How it does both at once, I leave to you to decipher.

Some recent ones:

~ hawaiian word for “defecate”

You know, we’ve covered a lot of ground here in five years, but I do not think we’ve covered this. Uhm, I hope.

~ men who drink foofoo coffee drinks

THIS I did talk about, since I care about manliness and whatnot. I think it’s truly one of my most humanitarian posts, and it’s getting lots of action lately — from Twitter. Why is that? Someone tell me. Is it good if someone links to your post on Twitter? What does it mean? How does that happen? I really don’t understand enough of this world anymore to still live in it. Do enlighten.

~ how to paint like bouguereau

The artist featured on this blog. Uh, pray? Perform a ritual involving rosemary and lizard feet? Travel back in time to Paris 1845 and enroll in the Ecole des Beaux-Arts? Yes, I think that’s probably the most direct route to getting what you want here, hon.

~ eurbgs skwrao

Oh, no. No. Look, Googler. You do NOT want to be a court reporter. And if you really DO, then you must know what these are, as they fall under the heading “Required Knowledge.” And if you really DO and you really DON’T, then, well, you have precisely the requisite mental acuity to just zip zip zzzzzzzip through court reporting school and then fall flat on your face in the real world. tkpwaod hrubg, tkupl/aoe! (You Googled it backwards, precious.)

~ hindu floaty thing

Thank you, Timothy Treadwell, for adding this phrase to my life. I use it all the time. Sorry that bear ate you, ya nutter.

~ slatterns

Hahahahahahaha. We supply all your slattern needs here.

~ fat frog w/two tan lines and tan dots

Uhm, wow. Your frog needs are really specific. Tan lines? I prefer my frogs sunbathe nude, but that’s just me. Also, you do know frogs don’t live on the Internet, right? I mean, they’re out there, uh, in the real world. Well, perhaps not the one you’re looking for. And what exactly is this frog wearing to have only two tan lines? A turtleneck? A mumu? Sigh. You couldn’t just read my live-blog of “Frogs” and be happy, could you?

~ actors/actresses with vegetables

What?? Is there interest in this? Of greater concern, have I actually talked about this?

~ stupid horatio caine sucks

Well, there you go. Something I HAVE talked about.

~ sandra bezic, condescending

I love the punctuation here. It’s like Joe Smith, CPA. As in that’s what she does. That’s what she is. I personally enjoy Sandra Bezic and her figure skating commentary, although Scott Hamilton and Dick Button are my favorites. I must have mentioned her during one of my world famous Olympic commentaries.

~ stupid coloring pages

So should I be distraught over how many people are brought here by Googling things with the word “stupid”? Also: “coloring pages”?? Do we do a lot of coloring on this blog?

You know, I think I’m now going to draw and post some stupid coloring pages for the world to enjoy. Maybe of a frog wearing a turtleneck or mumu. I sure hope that condescending Sandra Bezic doesn’t see them.

Good thing there’s nothing stupid here.

Proceed apace, pippa.

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gee, thanks, doc!

Doing some medical editing these days.

So let’s imagine you come to me, your caring doctor, with these problems:

~ Depression

~ Cirrhosis

~ Low back pain

~ Heart disease

All right. You’ve got a few issues, peaches. But that’s okay. Lots of people do. Again, I’m your caring doctor. I’m here to help.

Here are a few of my thoughts about you:

“Patient does sweat the small stuff. He has a lot on his mind. He feels like he is on a roller coaster. He is interested in writing, although he did not graduate from high school. The patient states that he has a gift for prose. He believes in a “Higher Power,” but does not believe in organized church.”

Wow. Yes, I am your caring doctor, but yamahama, am I condescending. Also, nosy in a decidedly non-medical way.

But I do want to help you. I do. Let’s face it, though. As a caring condescending doctor, it’s less about me helping you and more about feeling godlike about my healing powers.

So, are you ready? Here’s the plan I have for you:

“1. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff video was recommended.

2. The patient was given a book by N.V. Peale and a forgiveness handout.

3. Should watch Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff video next time.

4. Follow up in 3 months.”

There you go!

Good luck with your back pain and cirrhosis and heart disease!

I mean, come ON. Don’t sweat the small stuff, peaches.

See you next time!

XOXO,

Your caring condescending doctor.

P.S.: Forgiveness cures cirrhosis, you know.

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original banshee says ….

t-new-hair.jpg

“Tee Tee, your hair has stripes in it.”

True dat.

And thank you for not mentioning the wrist stump, kid.

I mean, you tell your stylist to do what she wants and you end up with a wrist stump. No more creative license for her.

Sheesh.

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spotty

Hey, pippa, my Internet connection has been spotty here what with the end of days storms here in SD.

Back soon with more regularity. (What, like I’m taking fiber??)

Er, how about more “consistency”?

Yes: “Beyond the Pale. Now with more regularity.”

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i’ve been neglectful

But I’m sick as a dog, pippa. Back in a couple of days, I hope!

Unless it’s that dread swine flu.

And to prove the extent of my malaise here, I just typed “swine flue.”

Uhm, yes: “We prefer our chimney to have a swine flue. Smells yummy, tastes great!”

Yes, I’ve totally lost it.

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facebook and twitter

Okay. I need you to help me, pippa. I really just don’t GET IT. It’s my problem, I guess, since everyone everywhere seems to LOVE these two things. Honestly, I don’t quite understand the need for either of them, Facebook and Twitter, since I already have a blog. But I know people with blogs who do both of these things.

Just to see if I’m clear on their respective functions: Facebook is there so people you don’t want to ever talk to again can find you and talk to you and stalk you, right? That’s my understanding anyway. Twitter is there so — what? — you can tell people you’re going to the bathroom, right? But I already do that on my blog. So again with the noncomprehension on my part.

Beyond that, I find Facebook and Twitter aesthetically displeasing. The actual pages are ugly to me. Ugly and blah. I feel the same way about blogs. If they’re visually blah or a mess or displeasing to me in the slightest — let’s be honest — of ways — my inner fusspot will get all squinchy and I will simply not be able to hang there. I don’t know. I like to look at pretty things, I guess. I spent a long time designing the look of this blog — part of why I haven’t moved despite the recent church debacle/outing of my evil blog. Normally, that would have made me disappear into the ether in a heartbeat, but, well, I’m happy with the look of my blog and I worked hard on it. (The “designer” didn’t design it. I did. Designer followed my despotic instructions is what designer did, which is why it doesn’t look like any of the designer’s other designs. All of designer’s ideas were the POLAR OPPOSITE of mine. Little frustrating. Anyhoo. And whatevs.)

So.

If you Facebook, if you “Tweet,” can you please explain to me why? Tell me the benefits to you. I really do want to know, because I have a fair number of people asking me — regularly — to Facebook and Tweet and because I’m stubborn and don’t get it — aka, stupid — I continue to say no. I mean, express myself in “140 characters”? Is this even possible? And why? I don’t mean to sound like I’m slamming people who engage in these things, I just really don’t quite understand. I guess right now I view them as two more time consumers. Not “wasters,” necessarily; “consumers.” But, clearly, people seem to enjoy them, so I’d really like to know how they enrich people’s lives.

That’s the key for me with either of these things: Before I would participate, I’d need to see how they would enrich my life.

Any thoughts?

I’m listening, pippa.

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“beyond the pale tracey”

If you’ve been Googling “beyond the pale tracey” to get to this blog, would you be so kind as to send me an email? There’s something I’d like to ask you. It’s nothing bad or ominous, believe me. Just a question.

My email is in the lower sidebar on the right, but here it is, to make it easier for you: tracey@palepage.com

Thank you so much.

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i need to know

Is it wrong to put Kahlua in your New Year’s Day …. uh, protein smoothie?

It’s a PROTEIN smoothie, Trace. Like healthy and whatnot. What is your problem?

Maybe 2010 will be the year I kick the drunken binges to the curb. Wouldn’t it be nice have less drunk blogging around here?

But Happy New Year to all of you from this drunken slattern!!!