I am home alone. Last time I was home alone of an evenin’, this happened. Thank God I do not have any of this. There’d be trouble.
So what am I doing tonight? Well, peeps, I am watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And I AM NOT ASHAMED!! I love that little freak. You put the names “Rankin-Bass” on a show and I am there.
A few observations while I watch, if I may. Okay, so I’m basically live-blogging Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. So … I should not be left alone. Whatevs.
Anyway …
— I kinda have a crush on that Burl Ives glide-y snowman. Not really an observation. More of a confession. It’s the gliding, really, just the gliding. Like the Norelco razor Santa, the most awesome Santa ever!
— I love it that when Hermie, the elf-who-would-be-a-dentist, is asked what is wrong with him, he glumly admits, “Not very happy in my work, I guess.”
— Head Elf is clearly a rage-aholic. All his lines ARE SAID LIKE THIS!! WITH CAPITAL LETTERS AND LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!! You know, “WHY WEREN’T YOU AT ELF PRACTICE???” and nosy crap like that. Listen, Head Elf Dude, you are basically running a toymaking sweatshop here where tiny little people are forced to make crappy handpainted wooden toys 23 hours a day. Toys that just end up on AN ISLAND in the frozen Arctic whining about what pieces of crap they are. They don’t want to exist and yet you force people to bring them into existence. So what these tiny people do on their time away from making suicidal toys is their own damn business!!
— Donner, Rudolph’s dad, is an abusive ass. When he puts that black mud nose — or whatever — on Rudolph to cover up his deformity and Rudolph can’t breathe and snuffs to him, “It’s not very comfortable,” Donner barks (barks?) back, “There are more important things than comfort. Like SELF-RESPECT! Santa can’t object to you now!”
— Clarice, Rudoph’s would-be lover, wears a Minnie Mouse bow on her head in the middle of the frozen tundra. I have never understood that.
— Wow. Santa’s an ass, too! Rudolph’s real nose was just uncovered and Santa said, “Donner, you ought to be ashamed of yourself!!”
— I love how all the reindeer have little skinny legs and these giant clonky hooves. Those things are like manhole covers. THAT’S the real deformity here, critters, and you ALL have ’em!!
— Clarice comforts Rudolph with “There’s always tomorrow for dreams to come true.” Kinda the reindeer version of my personal favorite: “The sun’ll come out …. tomorrrrrow!!”
— The monstrous swoop in Hermie’s hair is one of my favorite things in the whole show. That, and his lisp. Oh, and BTW, Hermie: YOU’RE GAAAAAAY!!
— I am still kinda scared of The Abominable Snowman. And he looks exactly like a particularly annoying kid I know.
— Why does Burl Ives Snowman hold up an umbrella to protect himself from Abominable? Do those things have previously undisclosed powers? Dude, it’s a stick with a circle of fabric on the end against a huge, man-eating Yeti. Look! He is taller than those giant cardboard mountains over there! What is with the umbrella? Oh, I know what, Burl Ives Snowman: YOU’RE GAAAAAAY!!
— Burl Ives Snowman croons that detestable ditty, “Silver and Gold,” whilst accompanying himself on a BANJO. As the crooning continues, little woodland creatures randomly munch on golden nuggets. “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” starring …. Mister Squirrel! Weird. I did not know that song was about ingesting golden nuggets.
— Hey, Yukon Cornelius: If Bumble’s one weakness is that they sink, how come the Bumble sinks and then pops right up to wreak more havoc and eventually have his teeth pulled? Why is he still alive after sinking? I mean, that didn’t happen on the Titanic.
— Look, “Charlie-in-the-Box,” don’t be such a blubbering baby. “My name is allll wrong! No child wants to play with a Charlie-in-the-Box!” Shut up. SHUT UP! Go down to your local courthouse and change your damn name to JACK! Lord. I hate that victim mentality.
— The whole Island of Misfit Toys is really just the Island of Useless Enablers. It totally pisses me off. That freaky Winged Lion King just allows all those toys to lounge around and whine and whine and sing horrible dirges to unsuspecting strangers. “Can you IMAGINE being an ELEPHANT with POLKA DOTS??” Yes. Yes, I can. I think it would be neato and you need to embrace that Jesus loves the little children AND the polka-dotted elephants. Personally, I don’t think ANY of you whiners is fit company for a kid. You’re all downers. It’s not that you’re “a choo-choo with square wheels” or “a bird that swims”; those things are not the problem here. It’s that you’re all hopeless, helpless narcissists who can only think about how life impacts you. And, also, WHY is it up to Rudolph to tell Santa about the toys, Lion King? Why aren’t you doing something for your whiny misfit subjects? What kind of king are you, anyway? Do you just have the title and no real power? I mean, what are you? British??
— Oh, Burl Ives Snowman just did the “Protect me, Mister Umbrella” move again. “Ooooh, telllll me when it’s over.”
— I like how Rudolph’s pupils roll around like marbles when the Bumble hits him.
— Hermie pretends to be pork in order to save Rudolph from the Bumble. Oink oink oink. Unfathomable.
— “God blast your hairy Bumble hide!” Hahahahahaha, Yukon.
— Yukon just cacked it. And all Burl Ives Snowman says is, “They are all sad at the loss of their friend.” Uhm, ingrates, he saved your lives. So lemme get this straight: You can sing no end of gloomy ditties regarding square wheels and stupid names, but there’s nothing — no feeling — about your friend tumbling to his death?? Where is the Anthem for Lost Cornelius or something? Sick. Selfish and SICK.
— Okay, well, Yukon just came back from the dead — with the Bumble in tow. “He’s a reformed Bumble. He wants a job. Looky what he can do!” Hm. Where have I heard something similar? “Look! It’s her poop! Look what she did! It was inside her and now it’s here!” Beware, Yukon Cornelius, the Timothy Treadwell delusion of perceived cuddliness.
— Santa. Okay, look. You obviously have a hormonal imbalance. You gained, like, 50 pounds overnight. Anyone who did that should go immediately to a doctor, not spend all night delivering choo choo trains with square wheels to all the kiddos of the world.
Finally, Rudolph is the hero and Santa exploits him.
Annnnnnnd ….. scene.
I am now officially in love with you.
You fail to mention the fact that Donner tells his wife that it’s a “man’s job” to go out and look for his son. I believe that they have deleted that scence – but it used to be in there. Donner – the chauvinistic pig.
I am thinking that somebody’s Gaydar was set on high last night.
Don’t be doubting the power of the umbrella. The Penquin on Batman has some special ones with weapons, helicopters, etc. Maybe Burl Ives and Burgess Merideth were in cahoots trying to improve the image of little weak frozen tundra characters.
You forgot to mention that the little doll on the island appears to have no abnormality whatsoever, unless you count the whining. Perhaps her name is Dave or something…
The Minnie Mouse bow is to distinguish Clairese from the other does. Same deal with the little blonde mohawk on Fireball.
My favorite part is still the sound Cornelius makes as he licks he pick to try to find gold and silver.
I dunno. Despite all its faults I still love the show.
Well, except for the line about Donner telling his wife to stay home because searching for their lost kid is “a man’s job.” But I think we’ve pretty well established that Donner is a tool, so I guess it’s kind of in keeping with his personality.
Oh – and CAN snowmen be gay? I mean, Burl Ives Snowman Guy doesn’t wear pants, either, and there doesn’t exactly seem to be any “equipment” there. He’s kinda like Ken (another crypto-gay if you ask some people) in that regard.
I dunno. Watching it last night it struck me how different all the Rankin-Bass specials would be if they were being made NOW. Rudolph would get a rhinoplasty. Nestor the long-eared Donkey would have his ears surgically reduced. Frosty would probably have to make some kind of comment about global warming.
Actually – having watched a lot of the Rankin-Bass specials over and over again, it strikes me that an awful lot of them play on a modification of the Dumbo storyline, where a character has some kind of bizarre thing about them that makes others laugh at them – until their very particular abnormality allows them to save the day. Makes me wonder if either Mr. Rankin or Mr. Bass had big ears, or one eye smaller than the other, or something…
Oh, and I remember as a kid, seeing that polka dotted elephant and thinking that *I* would love him, I didn’t care if he had polka dots or not.
And what WAS wrong with that doll? I was just thinking about that today. What’s her “misfit?”
“Rudolph” is the only one of those type of animated shows I like. I don’t know why, but I get restless during the other ones. Speaking of lines cut from Christmas shows–I remember when the Garfield Christmas came out (it was the first year we had a VCR–1987!) and my sister and I enjoyed repeated viewings. But a few years ago when they showed it I noticed a lot of scenes were missing–and there were a LOT more commercials.
I wish I had a copy of the Muppet Christmas Special with John Denver. We definitely didn’t have a VCR then.
Ricki–not too long ago, one of the radio “morning show” teams here in Philly had the same question you did about what made the doll a misfit toy. Listeners called in but nobody had an acceptable answer. I didn’t call in but I thought maybe it was that she didn’t have a nose. (Nowadays some huge pillowy lips would compensate for that, apparently. . .)
The doll was a talking Tourette’s doll.
Case !?#@!!%!-ing closed, people.
Priceless…
Oh, and thank you, RTG. I am in love with you too.
Although I usually find your postings amusing, in this instance, I must cry foul.
As newly appointed spokesperson for Dento-Americans, I come to Hermie’s defence.
Hermie is definately NOT gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). He is merely exhibiting the more sensitive side of Dento-Americans that so many of you not as comfortable in your calling find unsettling. Many of us recall all too clearly the stinging, biting words of you THespians Undermining Gingi-Safety (THUGS for short). We figure that you theater-types encounter men who speak in a softer, more effeminate tone so rarely, that you reflexively jump to stereotypes. For shame.
Also, Hermie’s hair swoop is not “monstrous” – it is merely a finely engineered appliance in response to environmental factors. Do you ever see any snow stuck to Hermies swoop? I rest my case.
In conclusion, we, the Dento-Americans for Rewarding Kinship would request a bit more sensitivity when it comes to Hermie. He’s making high six-figures, drives a BMW snow-cat, and hires Bumbles to entertain at his Christmas parties. Not bad for a lisp and a swoop.
Flossingly yours,
Myron Crownacher
Press Liason, Dento-Americans for Rewarding Kinship
I’ll bet Hermie’s so sensitive a dentist HE doesn’t have a SOCK MONKEY doll leering at patients while their baby teeth are being yanked out.
Well, at least I can die knowing I was “amusing” ….
There’s one thing no one mentioned about Hermie. I’m not sure he’s gay either (although that was the conclusion the Husband came to while we were watching this), but he’s CLEARLY NOT AN ELF. ALL of the other elves have that big bulbous nose and pointed ears. Hermie is the only one who doesn’t. I think there were more than reindeer games going on, there must have been elfen games as well. Who was Hermie’s mother seen hanging around with? Did anyone else notice the angry head elf looks like Donald Pleasance? Alas, what a relief to find a place to air these concerns!
The doll has a mean set of cankles, a flaw if there ever as one.
I have not stopped laughing since I started reading this AND the accompanying comments.
Live-blogging Rudolph was inspired!
I always thought Donner and Santa were such jackasses in this one, I had a hard time watching it. I HATE to think of Santa as a bad guy!
But I always loved Bumble…at the end, where he is all innocent and sweet and cuddly.
Curly — Oh, yeah! That doll DOES have cankles! Tourette’s AND cankles?? Well, that explains it all.
Shannon — Yeah, the Bumble is what — a “humble Bumble” at the end, but ya never know … I mean he is some kind of wild critter who is, uhm, TALLER THAN THE MOUNTAINS!
Oh didn’t you hear? Hermie gave up the dental world – he always got a little too excited with the latex gloves and thought he’d be better served to take up another cause. Hermie got a job as the Puffs tissue dude. You know the one who’s nose travels all over his face to avoid the rough kleenex. Happy endings rule.
Kate — You are SO right. That rage-aholic Head Elf DOES look like Donald Pleasance. Hahahaha!
I’m surely confused … but in the original 1964 version, didn’t the abominable actually eat Rudolph’s mother? For some reason I’m thinking I read that somewhere and the viewer protests caused an edit in later years that kept Mrs. D on this side of the living.
For reasons I don’t need to go into, I googled; “Burl Ives” & “Bumble” and found this delightful post. It had me in stitches and I promptly shared a link to it for all my Facebook friends. Thank You!
gojeffrey — How nice of you! Thank you.