This post is not going to sound very nice and won’t apply to most of my readers, but I am desperate.
And this is completely off the cuff, so excuse the rough edges.
Here’s the deal: If you are someone who would recognize me on the street, someone who knows me from, oh, say, church, for example — even if you only know me as “that girl who sings in the band” or “that girl I hate” or whatever, this post is for you.
I cannot make you stop reading my blog, but your continued readership is deeply uncomfortable for me. Don’t ask me how I know you’re there. Let’s just say it’s “come to my attention,” rather randomly. This is a HUGE part of the reason I shut down my other blog and left the link up for only 2 days. I realize now I shouldn’t have left a link up at all. I should have gone through the whole rigamarole of making a list of readers’ emails and sending out the link personally. But that would have covered only the people who regularly comment. So I didn’t do it. I considered it, but didn’t do it. Stupid.
But …. PLEASE. Anyone fitting this description who found my blog in its old incarnation as WN, found it through sheer happenstance. Since then, church people I don’t even know have been reading my blog, sometimes coming up and commenting to me, knowing details of my life, sharing them, it seems, with others. I’m afraid I must be blunt: I did not seek out your readership. I have been burned on so many levels over the last 5 years by “The Church” that this — please excuse my bluntness — this voyeurism feels like it’s reopening old wounds. It’s the potential of mutual acquaintances that freaks me out. It’s that you’re strangers, but not. It’s that I don’t know your intentions.
That FREAKS me out.
My own FAMILY doesn’t know about this blog — or even that I write anything — with good GOOD reason: I don’t want people I know or who know people I know reading this blog. I’ve never ever said to anyone in my life — my, ah, 3-dimensional life — “Hey, check out my blog!” I commend people who do, but I want to be kind of anonymous, you know? Just “Tracey.” I NEVER thought that anyone who knows me or knows of me would find this blog. The odds were certainly against it, given the way the blog is set up — just my first name — and given the fact that, in “real life,” I am deeply committed to silence about its existence.
Readers who are total strangers? Great. Like the anonymity of the confessional. Readers who are my closest friends or family — um, who won’t freak out about what I write? Also great. I don’t have any readers like that, because I haven’t invited them. But this in-between “I know you but I don’t and I see you but don’t talk to you because THAT would be weird since I know stuff about you that I have no business knowing” CRAP is too much. I can’t take it.
This is rambling, incoherent, because I’m upset. I literally don’t know what to do.
Do I just stop blogging? Is that what I do? I’ve moved TWICE now, just trying to get free.
I guess I’m asking you all — for the love of God, actually — to please take me out of your rotation. Please go … elsewhere. There are a jillion fascinating sites on the web to visit. Places where you might actually learn something useful. Or actually be edified. With you, I feel like I’m naked, in the worst possible way. Like at-the-doctor naked. I can only appeal to your conscience, because I can’t stop you. And there are now several of you, I’ve learned. Trust me. I’m not that interesting or you’d know me better in real life, right? As a group, you don’t comment. And I don’t have a problem, in general, with lurkers, but this lurking seems almost menacing to me because we inhabit the same space once a week. It feels like you’re just sucking up information about me and doing …. God knows what with it. You don’t seek to know me in real life, so I don’t get it. Why read? Unlike other readers, you could conceivably know me in real life, but you don’t. You sit and read in silence.
I just don’t feel safe with you. I need — and I’m sorry — you to go away. This isn’t to say you aren’t lovely people. But I don’t know, actually, because I don’t really know you. This is what I do know: I know you read my blog. I know you don’t engage. I know — scariest of all — you know people I DO know. And I know that your silence feels like judgment. It feels like it’s serving you in some way. And that way — that mysterious way — is frightening me and shutting me down inside.
I need to be free just to be who I am without worrying, without censoring my topics because of who might be reading or who might comment to me at church or who might share something I don’t want shared.
Okay. Wow. It’s just hit me. It’s like the whole infertility experience again — only with my writing. That’s how it feels to me. Church people pawing over my crap, doing what they want with it, feeling entitled to it because “we’re all Christians.” I can’t go down this road again. I’m not strong enough.
I realize I risk pissing you off, but I’ve already risked a LOT more than that just by having you as readers. What have you risked? Consider it an accident of geography. If you inhabited a different space, we wouldn’t have a problem, I suppose.
Okay. Proposal: Switch churches, send me proof that you’ve switched churches and severed all relationships with anyone at our church, and you are more than welcome to read this blog. Until then, I apologize. It’s just become too oppressive, too unsettling, something I never anticipated.
Please, please respect my wishes. Don’t make me beg any more than I already am.
Wow! I will make this short but I could write forever on this one. I keep my blog very simple and safe for just this very reason. People at church read it (or at least know it’s there), my family reads it, and I’m not sure but some co-workers might read it. Because of this I leave a lot of honesty at the door. I don’t talk about my job or much about my “church” experience because I fear exactly what you lay out in this post. My heart goes out to you. I could be honest and try not to care what people think but that is difficult because of the way people treat information that they’ve learned about others. I am sad to say this but the “Christians” are often the biggest offenders. Judgemental, arrogant, self-righteous fools that think that exploiting others weaknesses through gossip and rumor makes them bigger or better or more righteous people. They are foolish and hurting, often hiding from their own weaknesses and pain.
I read your blog because of your honesty, your awesome sense of humor, you great writing, your stories, the comments (from brave, non-lurkers), etc… I beg you to not stop or leave or restrain your honest self. I beg the offenders to grow up and listen to a your honest plea. LEAVE THIS GIRL ALONE.
God Bless you Tracey.
No one knows who or where we are for this exact reason.
And ditto what Brian said. I’m so sorry, sweetie.
((((((((Tracey)))))))
I hope you don’t quit posting your heart. You say what most people are going through but are too cowardly to post. I appreciate the humorous off the cuff honesty of your posts…that’s what keeps me coming back.
I think it was Dr. Suess who said “Those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind”…you just keep being yourself, we don’t mind!!!
I am sorry, too! Like Brian, people I know do read my blog. And like Brian, I have to check some of my rawest feelings and thoughts at the door.
Which is why I love your blog so much. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, not to mention the style, the entertaining stories, the hilarity and the heartbreak. It is all so refreshing and beautiful and human.
Violators, she is asking in such heartfelt despair…please, PLEASE honor her wishes. She has done nothing to deserve this from you! I sincerely hope you cease and desist at once!
Finally, I just have to comment quickly on Brian’s take: “‘Christians’ are often the biggest offenders. Judgmental, arrogant, self-righteous fools that think that exploiting others weaknesses through gossip and rumor makes them bigger or better or more righteous people.”
Unfortunately, THIS has been my most impressive experience with religious groups. I have to tell you how much it has done my heart good to read this blog, and on occation, Brian’s blog, and to realize that there are true Christians out there…people who embody what I think the term was meant to embody…acceptance, grace, understanding.
as another Tracey lover who does not inhabit Tracey’s space (and the risk of doing so is absolutely zilch, because she lives in California), i beg y’all to leave her alone.
then, after y’all are bestest friends EVER EVER, and you have your own super-raw blog, maybe you can read again.
Gosh, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, tracey. I totally get it.
Please, peeps, respect her wishes! Big wide web out there … go surf around someplace else!
🙂
Yeah! What everybody else said!
I understand. I really wish my parents didn’t know about my blog. I’m comforted in the fact that almost no one who knows me reads me.
It’s been interesting to read everyone’s response to your post. I, too, have held back on some of what I could have/should have said out of fear of stepping on someone’s toes. It’s a hard, fine line to walk when you want to be able to express yourself in a way that you know will undergo scrutiny. Especially when it’s not asked for or wanted.
Tracey, keep movin’ on with what you’re doing. This is your space and those of us who check up on you regularly do so because we enjoy your writing and look forward to being a part of your adventure on this life here on earth.
We need us some Tracey – so don’t make her move/stop blogging.
This is a reasonable request, be the bigger person and move on.
Thanks from her constant readers.
I’m sorry, but I think it’s very naive to think you will be totally anonymous on the web and have only strangers reading your pages. The fact is, that anyone, including your own family and people that know you, but don’t really know you, can and WILL read what you write, satisfying their own curiosity about who you are. It’s the main reason why I don’t blog or have any personal likes/dislikes/info listed on MySpace or anywhere else on the web. If I knew, without a doubt, that I could remain anonymous, I would love to throw everything out there for all to see. However, the web is open to everyone, weirdos and perverts included. If you blog, you are taking the chance that those people will continue to read what you write. If you are uncomfortable with it, then maybe blogging is not for you.
i can’t even remember how i came upon your blog, but i’ve been reading for a long time now. i have never commented. there would be a void in my morning if you left.
Wow, Lori. You’re right. Guess I’ll stop blogging right now based on the unsolicited advice from a person who’s never even commented here before.
I don’t think I mentioned “weirdos” or “perverts” anywhere in this post. You have no way of knowing all the details of the situation, but you could read the post again and see what I really wrote.
tracey – gotta love those drive-bys, huh??
I had one the other night – some guy showed up and took the time to tell me that my blog was “global and insipid” and also that he “thanked Buddha” that he was a free enough man to just click off my page.
Uhm … first of all: global AND insipid? How on earth did I pull THAT off?
And can I manage it again??
Oh – and even funnier: I did a bit of investigating, just out of curiosity, and he had gotten to me by Googling the words “mole on Ewan McGregor’s forehead.”
HAHAHAHA And he calls me insipid???
Anyway, not to make this all about me (ahem) – but I’m with cindy. Your blog has become part of my daily routine, and I’m really thankful for it.
“Global and insipid”?? Wow, red. You’re soaring to new heights. I could not BE more proud of you.
I know, it was truly an amazing feat. To be 2 totally opposite things at the exact same moment. And it is all encapsulated in the mole on Ewan McGregor’s forehead. Life is beautiful.
Yes, I love how you being globally insipid/ insipidly global all points back to Ewan McGregor — knowing how you feel about him.
And I don’t mean to be insipid, but, DOES he have a mole on his forehead? I guess I’ve never noticed.
Don’t hate me:
http://www.stephen-booth.com/ewan%20mcgregor%202.jpg
Drive-by (comment by red)? Don’t you realize that a lot of people read blogs for years and NEVER comment? Doesn’t mean they are unfamiliar with what goes on here. Unsolicited advice? You have a blog open to comments – do you think they are all going to be positive? People are reading what you write every day and forming opinions of you, judging you, without posting a word. My “weirdos and perverts” comment was not related to your blog above, but only to point out that you have no control at all over who reads what you write when you are on the internet. It’s even also possible that someone in your family COULD know about your blog, but to avoid taking the chance that you would censor your writing or take it down all together, they will never tell you that they know.
I did not give you advice on what to do – only pointed out that this is the life of a blogger and if you are uncomfortable with it, then there is nothing you can do. So let the Church people read what you have to say. Who cares?! Maybe you are saying some things they identify with and wish they could say themselves. Maybe they are envious of your “freedom” here. OR maybe they really are just nosey busybodies who don’t have enough going on in their lives and your blog adds a little flavor and spice to their sad lives by giving them more to gossip about and judge. Church people can be some of the cruelest, I know. You can’t control them, but allowing them to make you uncomfortable is just giving them power they are undeserving of. They don’t have your best interests at heart so let them go.
Sure, Lori. People read all the time and don’t comment. I guess it’s just the tone of your comments that I find irksome, given that they’re the first comments you’ve ever made on this blog.
Again, you don’t know all the ramifications of my situation, but you comment as if you do. Telling me to adopt a “who cares” attitude, telling me maybe blogging is not for me — these things sound like they’re coming from someone sure they’ve got the perfect solution to a complex problem. Your cavalier attitude is easy for you, I’m sure, as someone wholly unaffected by the circumstance I’m in.
Of course, I can’t entirely control who reads my blog. I don’t think I said or even hinted that in the post. What I can do is ask them not to. I don’t have control over what they’ll ultimately DO, but I can ASK. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to give that a shot.
Having someone read your blog is like having them as guests in your home. Not everyone is always a welcome guest. An unwelcome guest in my actual home would be asked to leave. Since I pay for this cyber house, I feel I have some right to set what boundaries I can, what boundaries I feel are necessary. One can question whether they’ll be honored, but that doesn’t mean the attempt to set them shouldn’t be made.
And BELIEVE me, Lori, as someone with greater knowledge of my family than you, if any of them were reading this blog — I’d definitely hear about it.
And no, it wouldn’t be positive.
And, red — Wow. How have I missed that? 😉
yes, tracey, how have you missed that third eye? ::ducks red’s right hook::
you have every right to ask this person not to read your blog. whether they oblige is their self-given right, since the internet is a bit of an anarchy (and i think we all prefer that it stay that way), and trespassing violations (which this has now become, since you have asked nicely, and you are the host) are not so much enforceable offenses (unfortunately). i probably said some of that backwards, but if i did, what i meant to say was, i’m on your side here. 😀
if you wanted to be ugly about it, you could have banned the person’s IP address (of course, that only works if they have a static IP, and there are ways to circumvent that). but you were nice about it. just like i nicely ask people to not curse in my comments. there’s a clear warning up above the comment field, and anyone who does not heed the warning chooses to heap fire and brimstone down upon his/her own head. but hey, i asked nicely before i got ugly.
what was my point?
oh yes. red’s obsession with moles.
If some stranger walked up to me on the street and said, with no word of introduction, “Wow, your haircut makes you look terrible, and you need to lose some poundage” – I would not sit and think, “Well … as long as I go out in public, I certainly deserve that … I can’t expect people to not come up to me and say stuff like that.” Well, yes, I do. It’s RUDE. I don’t expect everything to be positive – but when someone’s FIRST comment on my blog is an insult, or a criticism – a red flag goes up. It’s usually a warning sign (I speak from experience.)
Not every blog is run that way, but mine is. I see it kind of like a little house party I host every day. If someone walks into my house for a party I’m throwing, and is a friend of a friend – someone I do not know – and that person looks around and says, right off “Man, you have NO idea how to decorate” – before saying, “Hi, I’m so and so … I’m a friend of so and so … thanks so much for having me …” – then, uhm, I probably won’t think much of that person’s manners. And I wouldn’t “appreciate the honesty” – I would think, “Wow. Who raised you.”
Just my opinion.
sarah – ha. It is TOTALLY a third eye!!
Okay, so don’t think I’m too nuts: but Cary Grant has a mole too (he was always careful to be photographed from the side withOUT the mole). And Russell Crowe has one too – smack-dab between his eyebrows.
Maybe I’m into moles and am just now discovering it??
The house party analogy is close.
I think having a blog is sort of like throwing a kegger at your house. Because the jerks manage to get in somehow.
I think the house party analogy works very well for Sheila’s blog. It very much feels like that when you’re visiting and commenting. But her point that not every blog is like that is very true.
Mine isn’t. Not because I would like it to be, but I simply don’t have the comment traffic she does. ‘Course, I don’t spend as much time slaving to produce the stellar content she — and Tracey, for that matter — do. So, I get what I put into it.
I don’t know if it’s asking too much ask someone not to read your blog. I have never had the problem. But you’ll never know until you ask.
Second graph, second sentence should say: Not because I wouldn’t like it to be.
Darn it.
Missy –
haha!! Kegger is much better.
Sorry if I’m coming across as though I’m attacking here. That is not my intent. Maybe I can rephrase: I really am just curious about your ideas behind this latest post. I realize that you like to think of your blog as being like your own living room or own private party, but it is really nothing like that online. What about the teenager who is under 21, posting pictures of themselves drinking with friends on their Facebook or MySpace site? Their intent is to share those pictures with their own friends (“those who comment”) or strangers (“those who don’t comment or who’s opinions don’t matter”), but the fact is that those very pictures can also be viewed by their coach, teachers, parents, employers, etc. The consequences of being lulled into the false sense of security that this is their own private space, can be devestating (getting suspended from their team, fired from a job, etc.). I’m just wondering (not criticizing), if the ramifications of you being yourself in your blog are so great, why are you willing to take the risk of the “wrong” person reading this? If someone who knows you is reading this, aren’t you afraid that it will eventually get to your family?
I would love to blog and do admire you for doing so, but the inability to control who reads my posts – the “nakedness” of writing my own journal online – the very problem you are facing in your post above – is a deterrent too great for me. I hope you can be strong enough to continue (you obviously have some great and loyal friends online) in light of what you face. Best of luck…
Lori — The ramifications here are not necessarily “so great,” but they are definitely undesired. And I’m not willing to get into all my ideas — or all the ramifications — behind this latest post.
You sound to me like you’re struggling with your own desires to blog. I think you should. You’ll have a better perspective overall on what we’re talking about here.
The odds are in your favor, actually. If you’re quiet about your blog and you don’t put too much info out there — (for instance, don’t use your full name anywhere on your blog, I mean, is “tracey” even my REAL name??) — people you don’t want reading your blog probably won’t find it. The chances of what’s happened to me actually happening were so small as to be nonexistent, I think. Total weird fluke.
Start a blog. Take a risk. Don’t just sit back and watch others taking risks, wishing that could be you.
And red — It seems to be the incredible disappearing mole. Where did it go?
http://thecia.com.au/reviews/m/images/moulin-rouge-800.jpg
or
http://www.lucasfan.com/autographs/mcgregor.jpg
There seems to be some ambivalence about Ewan McGregor’s mole. Make up your minds, people! Moley or not moley?? When you remove the mole, you are telling the mole people to be ashamed that they are mole people.
Lyn — So sorry about your comment above. My spam blocker — that I don’t think I even knew I HAD — put it down as spam for some reason. I just found it! Sorry!
Not a problem…Tracey!
I’m just glad to see you’re still here! I so enjoy your posts!
Well…I’m coming to this kinda late, but I guess I’d say, yeah, I understand where you’re coming from, Tracey.
I worry a little bit about my blog even though apparently no one reads it; I keep things totally anonymous but a determined person could look up the address or whatever I was posting from and nail me if they wanted to.
But I had a journal for several years before I started the blog – it was mostly longer-form stuff, and I got kind of tired of it and quit – and I never got Dooced, even though I talked about sometimes some kind of sensitive stuff on there, and there was an e-mail link.
One of the things I know I have personal issues with is not being able to open up, so for me now, having a blog where maybe some other people read it is kind of scary and liberating. I know none of my family reads because I don’t post under my real name, and I haven’t told anyone. I don’t know how I’d feel if family read – probably not as bad as I would if I found out students read.
But – this is just a roundabout way of saying, please don’t stop blogging. I like reading your insights. And if the nosey parkers in your life can’t stop reading, they should just learn to suck it up if you criticize them here, because they ARE being nosey – you’ve asked them to leave you along.
ahem. in light of the Ewan McGregor picture from Moulin Rouge that you posted… a pun is in order. it seems that in Moulin Rouge there is a MOLE IN ROUGE!
(get it? rouge? like blush? makeup? he covered up his mole with makeup? and then if you say it the way Moulin Rouge is spelled rather than how it’s pronounced… yeah? oh, COME ON!!! YOU GUYS ARE NO FUN!!)
btw, has anyone considered that it’s perhaps a recurring zit? or a tumor?
I’m late to this as well…but I wanted to say that I SO appreciate your blog…your honesty and your openness…and my heart goes out to you in this. There are several casual acquaintances from my church who read my blog and I would rather they didn’t. But I’ve never had the courage to tell them to please leave (go, you!). I end up self-censoring a lot more, unfortunately.
Anyway…I’m not adding anything unique, just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of support.
sarah — I maintain my credo: sarahk is adorable! 😉
Barbara — Thank you.
I have some advise for this situation, that I’m sure everyone will draw lots of boos fromthe peanut gallery. Stop going to church. Then you won’t see any of those people anyway, and so you won’t have to feel wierd. After a while, you’ll forget about them, and what they think won’t matter to you at all. (It worked for me). PS, my faith didn’t change one bit.
Sorry to hear that the problem(s) have continued onto the new site. I’ve got no good advice on how to rid yourself of your unwanted ‘house guests’, but I really hope you keep blogging. You’ve put alot of effort into this so far and you shouldn’t just give that up. On the topic of Ewan McGregor – that’s no mole, that’s a space station.
HAHAHAHAHA PT…
I’ve been trying to get a handle on what to say about this. Any sort of friendly advice has got to sound a little forward, even from a semi-regular. Unfortunately Brian’s right and our “brethren” often mistake license for compassion – they skip all the basic getting to know someone stuff and simply launch into detailed critiques of someone’s situation, all justified by “we’re both Christians.” Even Christ Himself rarely if ever did that. He let the disciples get to know HIM and then tell HIM that He was the messiah; He let the woman at the well approach Him; even those He healed, He let take the initiative – climbing a tree for a better look, crying out in the street, sneaking up to grab His hemline, or cutting through the roof to get near.
I guess the only thing to say is: thank you Tracey for letting us approach here in the comments, safely. Hopefully those in your congregation mean only good for you, but know your reticence and don’t wish to accost you. It may be that one wishes to be a friend but obviously can’t just walk up and say, “Hi, you sound like you need a friend, let’s pray together for THREE HOURS” or something.
If you ever find yourself stuck in the swamps of Jersey, you can always look me up. I promise not to be totally creepy. We even have a great coffeehouse to visit.
NF — /I promise not to be totally creepy./ HAHAHAHAHA!