— An interesting — and apparently widespread –– theory from a photographer friend of MB’s who frequently does wedding photography:
Brides and grooms who are cake smashers are more likely to get divorced.
He — the photographer friend — says this is a theory widely believed amongst wedding professionals who witness many a cake smashing and later hear through the grapevine of said cake-smashing couple’s tragic estrangement. Sad, no?
Britney and K-Fed were cake smashers. So … there you have it. Theory proven.
I’d link to a photo, if I could find one, so you’ll just have to take my word because, um …. I saw their cakesmashing video on TV.
My Beloved and I, on the other hand, were NOT cake smashers. We lovingly — oh! soo lovingly, kinda nauseating, actually — fed each other bites of cake while loved ones gathered ’round and booed us. Jerks.
So, fess up, people. Cake smashers or cake feeeeders?
— Also, just another bit of business here. Anyone else have a list of people your spouse is absolutely NOT allowed to marry if you cack it? I mean, it’s not just me, right? RIGHT? Seriously, the line of women jonesing for My Beloved after I crump it would start right at my casket and end only when my outraged spirit rises up and obliterates them all. Gotta watch my (dead) back, you know.
— And finally — brethrrrenn — is it sexual harrassment if the dude is gay? I mean, can a gay dude say to you– girls — oh, something like, “I need something hard to write on. Let me use your ass?” Or perhaps, whilst staring lasers at your chest, “Wow. I didn’t know you had all THAT under your apron.” Or perhaps, creatively, “You are very sexy.” Why is it that societal standards seem different about this if the person is gay? The urge to kick in the nuts and sue is the same, right? Men, would you be less upset if a gay dude said these things to your wife/girlfriend?
Or, hypothetically, of course — what if the dude is, um, elderly? Like 80 years old? And constantly flirts with you and “wants to go the beach with you,” ew, and “would never let you go if he were 20 years younger” (20?? Hon, try 40) Or actually PINCHES YOU ON THE CHEEK — YOUR PERSONAL CHEEK — LAST SATURDAY WHEN HE CAME INTO YOUR PLACE OF MEAGER EMPLOYMENT JUST TO SEE YOU???
Hypothetically, of course.
Okay. That’s all. Just had these totally random and hypothetical thoughts banging around in my brain.
A gay dude saying those things to a sweetie of mine would confirm to me that she is so alluring (and my personal taste so impeccable) as to have him on the verge of converting–so, yeah, I’d look askance at him.
My Ladybug and I are cake-feeders-to-be. Before there was even a prospect on the horizon, I made it known that I despised the practice of cake-smooshing. It reveals a willingness to belittle one’s spouse in public, and that is never a promising sign.
As for questions 2-4…
2. In the “Hands Off My Widow” Tournament, K-Fed would have to be the leader in the clubhouse. Bill Clinton, however, is the Tiger of this field, a threat to win anytime.
3. I’d rather that people think my Ladybug is alluring than to think she isn’t – but woe betide the gentleman who attempts to act on the knowledge.
4. The old guys are the WORST. Just creepy, especially since they seem to think that it’s just so darned CUTE to pretend “I’ve still got it!” It’s like the official AARP Halloween costume – “frisky oldster.” EWWWW.
The bottom line is, usually people are capable of winnowing genuine compliments, well-meant, and weirdo come-ons. A genuine compliment should never be threatening from anyone, while the weirdo come-on is always threatening from everyone. Case in point – most of my teammates are old school paisanos, and as is SOP, they kiss my fiancee on the cheek when they say hello or goodbye. It’s polite and neither of us minds it. If my Creepy Former Landlord Guy tried it, he might wake up on the floor.
“Is is sexual harrassment if the dude is gay?”
Well, is it a hate crime if your Beloved kicks his butt for making comments? I’m just asking, I have no idea.
Now you’re going to have me worried about the cake thing at my brother’s wedding on the 25th. It took 3 years, 2 babies and a steady stream of prayer to get them down the aisle. . . Please, Lord, let them be FEEEEEEEDERS! In spite of their love of juvenile jokes, I wanna see some tender feeding!
Come on, Nightfly–he’d wake up?
It just CREEPS me out just the way he LOOKS at me, you know? There’s a certain lusty gleam in his eyes. He’s actually said and done ALL those things, along with constantly saying, “Don’t tell your husband. Don’t tell your husband!”
I do not have a problem with being assertive — that is, when things are fairly black and white to me. This is, empirically, an old geezer, spry though he is, so it’s fuzzier to me, more grey. But I DON’T WANT HIM PINCHING MY CHEEKS LIKE I’M 5!! The way he flirts, it’s like he thinks he has a chance. I’m constantly breezing past him — and his lady friend, ahem — trying to make sure he doesn’t have a chance to interact with me. I literally feel as though there’s no nice way out of it. Maybe he doesn’t mean to be skeevy. Maybe he’s harmless. To tell him, “Grampa, you’re skeeving me out” might really hurt him.
But … he’s skeeving me out! Him — oh, and the old fart who comes in twice a month to water the Beanhouse plants who wants me to go “gold prospectin'” with him. He is utterly serious. “I’ll take ya up into those mountains.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, lemme get my GUN, Skeeter.”
Sheesh. I am a MAGNET for the gays and grampas. Please, dudes! Watch some Judy! Take some Metamucil! Leave your neighborhood barista alone with her personal cheeks and hard ass!! PLEASE!!
Kate — You must tell your brother about the dangers of cakesmashing. As his loving sister, you must. 😉
I always wondered about those cake smashers… Makes sense to me.
And why do gay men think–just in general–that it’s okay to flirt/sexual harrass? I don’t know–I’m thinking of a friend of mine who is gay and is an NPR reporter in LA. Sometimes I listen to his program online and I keep hearing him flirt ON AIR with men. Whenever I substitute in my mind a man saying that to a woman it sounds like sexual harrassment.
I tried teasing him about it in an email, but I think I pushed the envelope too far. He’s not writing me back. (grimace)
And I hate it when Gomers wanna talk about every little thing that pops up.
1. This does not surprise me at all, for Nightfly’s reasons. We didn’t have a white
wedding cake – we had a double wedding ring German chocolate one, so we doubly didn’t smash.
2. Hillary Clinton, Madonna, Susan Estrich or Katie Couric. Other than that, he should
take his pick and since his chances of even meeting the above are slim, I think we’re okay. And I really, really want him to marry somebody – he’d be too lonely
otherwise.
3. What Nightfly said – he’s just a fount of wisdom today!
4. Okay, here’s the thing about older-ness. A lot of people don’t realize that they’ve reached that phase. I mean, you’re not looking in the mirror ALL the time, and sometimes you
don’t even see it then, self-deception being what it is.
In your mind, you’re still about 30.
So it takes a photo or a glance at yourself on a store monitor to make you say “Holy crap! I’m so OLD!!!”
Which if you don’t have inner resources, is a self-esteem death sentence in our culture.
Not to excuse- Gramps was probably an annoyance even when he was younger- but to explain.
Which is what kills me about young women and tatoos. When “Girls Gone Wild” becomes “Girls Gone Droopy”, that’s going to be sooooo attractive.
I kinda thought that about the cake-smashers too. Either there’s some repressed hostility there, or else they are the kind of people who like to make everything a Big Joke and don’t always know when seriousness should be taken.
my brother and sis-in-law – going on 8 years of happy good enviable marriage now – were cake feeders.
oh, and as for old guys and gay guys: if it skeeves me out (and it takes a fair amount to skeeve me out), it’s still sexual harrassment.
and NO ONE pinches my cheek and gets away with it. the “top” cheeks as well as the “bottom” cheeks.
Sal–Girls Gone Droopy!!! LOL!
And hey, there’s an idea–install mirrors everywhere.
Just celebrated 12 years. I fed, she smashed.
Yes, it’s still sexual harrassment, and, at 80, gross.
Girls Gone Droopy — well, you know what they say about his shillelagh (sorry, I couldn’t help my self, it was one of my favorite Droopy Dog cartoons).
Wait, the ancient guy brings a LADY FRIEND and he’s trying to get his hands on you? Geezer playas are the WORST!
Frank and I sweetly fed each other cake, and i think i accidentally got a little icing on his cheek, and i sweetly wiped that off. yes, we’re sickly in love.
hmm… is the gay guy potentially convertible? if so, then it’s definitely harassment. if not, i don’t know, because then it’s almost like it’s a girl saying it to you, right? 😉
and speaking from experience, it’s disgusting AND harassment if it’s an old guy. it almost makes it 100 times worse.
oh, and we don’t actually know any people… so i’d just have to say his manipulative ex-girlfriend is the only one on my list. i should tell him that.
Okay,
1) There is waaaaay too much funniness going on here to even start on who’s funny, who’s witty, who should get their own stand-up gig, and who made me laugh so loud my co-workers glared. Just sayin’.
2) WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE AGAINST CAKE-SMOOSHERS?! YOU WROTE THIS BLOG ABOUT ME, DIDN’T YOU TRACEY?! 😉 LOL!
We’ve been married a year, get along fabulously, couldn’t be more old-fashioned and devoted to each other and we smashed cake in each others’ faces so willingly and voraciously that I had it in my cleavage and Tef had it in his eyebrows. This was after we served Communion at our (Protestant) wedding; I bawled like a baby through my vows; and we waited to have S-E-X until we said, “I do”. We just like to have a good time and pick on each other. We couln’t be more serious about our committment to one another! Aw, man! THIS IS SO NOT FAIR, YOU GUYS!!!! LOL!
I love that Nightfly used the words “woe betide”. WELL PLAYED WELL PLAYED!
Maybe I’m really Victorian – but I think anyone who presses their boundaries with me without checking to see if I’m into it – is a harassing jacka**. I don’t care who he is. I’ve “flirted” with 80 year old men before – especially the ones in Ireland – because old people in Ireland are not shuffled off out of sight the way they are here. Imagine going to your local sports bar here and seeing a geriatric crowd sitting on belly up to the bar, drinking whiskey, singing songs, and shouting dirty jokes into each other’s hearing aids. Doesn’t really happen that much in the good ol’ US. But in Ireland, that kind of multi-generational hangout situation is common. And the old folks still have the fire in the ol’ belly … and make randy comments about the pretty girls, and buy you drinks, etc. But for the most part, it’s just fun and flattering. I danced a jig in a pub in Dublin with a toothless man who was not a day over 89 – and I didn’t mind his flirting at all, because he made me laugh so hard I cried.
But a leering 80 year old … who thinks that BECAUSE he’s 80 – I won’t care that he ogles my boobs and treats me like an object? No. Step back, gramps.
Feeder!!! I might have tried to smash, but one of those looks told me to feed. You know the look. The look that says “I am wearing enough white, so if you know what’s good for you…”
Whether he’s 16 or 90, the guy who pinches my wife’s personal cheek will be coughing up his personals. GRRR!!!
Gay dude is a harrasser! He is using his gayness as an excuse to be rude. Or maybe he’s not really gay and just uses that as a way to be a perv. Sicko.
Note to Denzel: If I pass take really good care of my wife she is a great woman and deserves the best. Thanks in advance Mr. Washington, you’re the best.
Very entertaining and enlightening post. Have to say, my first husband was a smoosher. ‘Nuff said.
I remarried 3 yrs ago and my sweet, loving husband was a feeder, as was I. Coincidence? Perhaps if it is mutual smooshing with very loving intent then it is okay?
Old men ogle and commment. Not sure why, and it has been going on since long before Viagra. Nothing like your husband’s 78 yr old grandfather looking at your giant lactating boobs which cannot hide no matter the garment you wear and saying “Daaaaaaaaaamn”. Ew.
I certainly don’t remember giving Brian “the look,” but I’ve been known to do that before, so I might have! I guess that it should be assumed that no smashing should happen on a day when you’re looking your best and have all eyes on you. Seems really tacky to me.
Umm, gay guy and old guy both creep me out. Would it be different if a girl said it to you? “Damn, girl, your ass looks good.” I’ve known girls to compliment each other like this before and take a look. I think in today’s world it’s just not right for anyone to do. I once worked in an office where a straight guy was giving me the looks and talking creepy. I reported him for sexual harassment, as well as some other women who were relieved to do so too. He said that we just didn’t understand him.
My hubby CANNOT marry Sarah Jessica Parker, though he wouldn’t want to. Chelsea Handler would be up there too – she’s just wrong.
You guys are killing me ….
Sorry, WG, ya cakesmasher.
Oh, and “The List of People He Cannot Marry” has some people we actually know on it. It has MOSTLY people we actually know on it, even if it’s just “You can’t marry that UPS delivery chick” and such. Or Joey. She’s insane. And high maintenance. Not easygoing. Like me. Hahahaha.
My husband and I must be somewhere in the middle of cake smooshing and cake feeding. We were both going in for the feed, and he swiped a tiny bit of icing on my nose, and I, in retaliation, swiped a bit on his chin. Then we fed the rest. There was no flying icing, no wild crumbs, no smooshing, just swiping.
The homosexual flirting doesn’t bother me too much…I just can’t take them seriously. And the old guy flirting, I agree with Red, it kind of depends on the guy. If they are just enjoying their golden years, and having fun, and doing the grandfatherly teasing thing, I’m alright with it, but if they actually beleive that this is a remote possibility…ewwwwwwww.
My hubby cannot CANNOT marry Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson or the balloon-lipped skank (aka Angelina Jolie). Nor can he marry Crazy Wendy…you don’t know her, but if you did, she’d be on your forbidden list too, I promise!
Jenn — That is the most disgusting thing I’ve heard in a long time. Unforgivably gross. Time to send gramps to the home! Buh-bye, gramps!
Shannon C. — “Crazy Wendy” — hahaha! We all have our Crazy Wendys, don’t we?
Oh, and NF? The phrase “frisky oldster” has been haunting me all day now.
hahahahaha sorry Tracey. This thread is the best! BTW – note that I said might wake up. That’s all up to his creepy chin. It wouldn’t be for want of trying. Come to think of it, maybe he’s right there with K-Fed…
WG – sorry! As they say, your mileage may vary. I hope that you smoosh for many years together.
Sal – thanks! This topic was fedexed straight from the muses.
Sheila – I love the phrase “woe betide,” but I get to use it so infrequently in everyday conversation…
I was thinking in our age bracket, to which I’ll add Oprah. If we go May-December, then he cannot marry any of the above. Plus Paris Hilton.
Actually, I have my successor all picked out, if she stays single. He doesn’t know, though.
A’ight, gotta’ have the last word. We didn’t even get to the cake until after an hour-long ceremony; an hour-long session of picture-taking; an hour of dinner and dancing (complete with a conga-line and an open bar); and I’d already lost a bustle button on the back of my dress. Lots of people had already left. It was in a hotel ballroom… IT WAS FUN!!! FOR BOTH OF US!!! CUT ME SOME FREAKING SLACK, PEOPLE!!!! LOL! 🙂
This is a great post. And red, I would have LOVED to have seen that.
No, WG. I get the last word. Hahaha!
Sorry about the conga line … 😉
um, one more last word. red, everything sounds better in an Irish accent, so i’d probably cut the drunken Irish men some slack too.
I never understood the idea of smooshing cake into your beloved’s face on the wedding day. Save the food fight for the honeymoon. Even more so, I really don’t like the fact that some people criticize the couple for NOT smooshing cake. I remember some of my wife’s relatives remarking to her at the reception “oh you should have put the cake on his face…etc”. They never stopped to consider that it might be a stupid tradition or they’re selfish along the lines of misery loves company because it happened to them on their wedding day.
1. Came via Anchoress and she’s right, this is a beautiful site.
2. Interesting! Husband and I were cake-feeders at our wedding, which, at this writing, was 9.4 years ago. We weren’t tempted to be cake-smashers, but my grandmother was taking no chances — this tiny, gentle lady informed my fiance that if he smooshed cake he was going to Be In Big Trouble!