Since I now work from home, I think I’m losing track of the workings of the real world. I really do. True, my grip on how the world works has never been exactly vise-like to begin with, let’s face it, but now it feels like sands through an hourglass. Like I’m becoming mentally incontinent. That’s right. Incontinent. Not incompetent, although I’m always willing to consider there’s an element of that, but mentally incontinent. As if any kind of understanding of basic real world interactions just seeps right out of me even when I don’t expect or want it to.
So either I just don’t understand things on a basic intelligence level OR I think about things that other people don’t think about but wouldn’t understand either if they did OR I’m slowly becoming mentally incontinent.
Because here’s a weird thing I don’t get and don’t know how to handle. I think it’s a uniquely “female” thing, too, mainly because I don’t know any men who act this way or, rather, I don’t want to know any men who act this way. But this little scenario has happened to me a few times in the last year and I want it to stop because, frankly, I don’t want to deal with it. So it boils down to this: I just need people to be different so I can crawl back into my Howard Hughes hidey hole. Simple schmimple.
The scenario (culled from a couple of similar scenarios):
Let’s say you have a cyber acquaintance and you occasionally email on a personal but not-too-deep level. (I am not referring to anyone who reads this blog.) A few months go by with no communication between the two of you. Out of the blue, acquaintance emails asking why there’s been no communication and you’re put on the spot. Now again, the noncommunication has been mutual. She’s not communicated with you; you’ve not communicated with her. During these few months, you haven’t had a single thought about “why” there’s been no communication, but now that it’s put in front of you, courtesy of the acquaintance, you stop and think about it and come to the conclusion that it’s probably just been real life getting in the way. It’s not something you’re necessarily looking to dissect or diagnose or ….. blame. You literally have not thought a single moment about any “why” at all — until now, when you’re forced to do so. And that’s the irritation of it: Why are we women so quick to assume there’s an issue in this kind of scenario? Why does it need to be discussed AS IF there is an issue? And why is the noncommunication my fault when it’s been mutual noncommunication? Is it simply my fault because she brought it up?
And what do you do if the real answer to an annoying “Why haven’t we communicated?” is “Hell, I don’t know”?
Because, damn, I don’t know and “I don’t know” is not a good answer to give to a woman.
I know. I’m a woman.
So you write back, gently refusing to shoulder all the blame for the noncommunication, and say, “Well, now that I think about it, I imagine we’ve both just been busy.”
Both. Perhaps we’ve both been busy?
Don’t lay this all at my feet, peaches. Don’t play that game with me. See, because now you’ve gone and made me mad. I was going happily along, growing my corkscrew fingernails, doing my work, and BAM! my tissue-boxed feet are suddenly put to the fire — and that can’t have a good outcome, now can it? There was zero issue before and now, frankly, the issue is you’re irritating me. You’re making something out of nothing — which we dames are very good at and so, yeah, I’m tasting my own medicine and, boy, is it ever bitter — but besides that, you’re laying the blame for this non-issue entirely at my feet and all I want to do is kick it back in your cyber-acquaintance, wouldn’t-recognize-it-on-the-street face.
See, because now you’ve gone and made me mad with your non-issue but I can’t tell you I’m mad because there wasn’t an issue but NOW there is, and I can’t tell you that and still seem sane.
I cannot stand mind games. I hate them. Please don’t make me play them because I’m bad at them and, besides, I just don’t like being that …. person who plays mind games.
And, again, is this necessarily an issue? Sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn’t. When you’re mostly just acquaintances at best, when you haven’t shared all that deeply with each other, why would you create this kind of issue where one may not even exist? Why go digging for an issue with, again, an acquaintance? Why do you assume that an acquaintance should have that level of ….. I don’t even know what word to use ….. accountability to you?
I don’t get it. I really don’t.
Another scenario:
Since I work from home, my colleagues are cyber colleagues. I’ve gotten to know a few of them and we IM back and forth during the day, sometimes with chit-chat, but mostly with work-related questions. Recently, at day’s end, I IM’d one of them to tell her to have a good evening or something and she wrote back, “I haven’t heard from you all day” complete with a frowny face emoticon.
Oh, for God’s sake.
I don’t know what was more annoying to me: the thought or the frowny face accompanying the thought. I was simply minding my own business, literally, but, still, my grade for the day? 🙁
You know, I could have said the same thing but the difference here is that I didn’t and I wouldn’t. I was busy working. I assumed she was busy working. It wasn’t personal. It didn’t mean a thing, my silence, and I assumed hers didn’t either.
Look, I’m as capable as the next woman of feeling insecure in my female relationships. I’m guilty too, so I don’t want seem like I’m somehow above the insecurity fray. I’m not. But this kind of thing — where there’s mutual silence, where there’s nothing that you’re expressly waiting/hoping for a response about — well, I try to avoid frothing about that. I’m very good at frothing, as evidenced by 99% of this blog, but it’s exhausting and it wears down the batteries, so I’m really trying to limit that in my life now. I have died on way too many hills in my life and it’s getting expensive to keep disposing of the body.
Since I got to be the one to try to smooth over another something from nothing, I said basically the same thing to this woman that I’d said to the other, something like, “I guess we’ve just been busy today!”
I did not apologize to either of these women because I didn’t feel that I owed an apology in either situation although I did feel like one was being fished for. I’m a funny girl, I guess. I don’t like feeling manipulated into believing a mutual noncommunication is solely my fault or that there’s even any blame to be assigned at all, so nope, no apology for you, Crackie.
Some things are just more complicated with cyber relationships. You can’t see a face and glean meaning from expressions. You can’t hear a voice and glean meaning from tone or inflection. It’s harder and trickier. But since that is the case, and especially when we’re dealing with acquaintances, just leave well enough alone. Assume the best. Don’t go digging for nothings. Don’t assume a closeness or accountability that’s not there. Don’t lay blame that isn’t deserved for scenarios that don’t even exist.
And, most importantly, unless you’re my mother, don’t send me frowny faces about my behavior, ‘mkay?
Strange subtle attacks. Yick.
More from cyber-friend than frowny colleague, though, IMHO.
I don’t know frowny, but that message could have been an awkward way of saying, “Hey, I missed you! I’m glad you messaged.” With the frowny showing that she was sad to miss you, but not seriously sad.
Maybe not.
I would have been so tempted to respond to passive-aggressive cyber-friend with: “You tell me.”
roo — Good response to the passive-aggressive.
As far as the work friend, she’s had a tendency to give frowny faces if I don’t respond to her IMs when, for instance, I’m not even logged onto the work IM because it’s my day off. Day off is day OFF. I don’t do the work stuff which means I don’t do the work IM. Soooo, yeah.
I’m looking into working for another company and she keeps saying, “We need to stick together.” “We need to work at the same company.” “I want to always work with you,” etc.
It’s become a little distressing.
Okay, okay. I GET it, trace. I’m SORRY that I haven’t responded to your latest email. Or maybe I did and you didn’t? I can’t remember who didn’t respond this last time, only that whichever one of us didn’t respond, the other one was cool with it, because hey, life is busy outside the internets, and the non-responder truly MEANT to respond and just accidentally didn’t because her brain is pea-sized and has no capacity for remembering important things like friends and stuff.
But you didn’t have to go blogging about it. Yeesh.
Why haven’t we communicated recently? 🙁
And thank you for this post. I’ve decided I’m going to end every communication with you with “Why haven’t we communicated? :(“
sarahk — Hahahahahahaha. You are insane.
Why haven’t we had our romantic date in Forks yet? 🙁
Oh my goodness. Will you ever actually take me to Forks like you promised so we can communicate? 🙁
It’s just weird/awkward to me when someone I consider more of an acquaintance wants to try to “bust” me for ….. what? Not being a better acquaintance? It’s weird when it feels like they’re trying to exercise the — for lack of a better word — privilege of a deeper relationship with me without taking the time to earn that relationship. We’re acquaintances. It would be like telling a guy you’ve gone on one date with, “Uhm, we need to talk about this relationship.” It’s a bit premature or unearned or something. Mostly, it’s awkward as ass for the person on the receiving end, I think.
It just feels completely out of context.
Well, are you going to bring Buttercup to Forks with you so I can communicate with both of you? 🙁 Why hasn’t she communicated with me lately, btw? 🙁
YOU need to rename your blog ” 🙁 “
” :-(ountaineer :-(usings ” — that’s your name.
Well, thank goodness they’re being like this over email and IM so you don’t have to hide your facial expressions.
Buttercup is teething. You don’t want her commiuningfruq.
Oops. Fell asleep communicating. 🙁
Actually, I’m now going to change MY blog name to ” Beyond the 🙁 ”
If we could all just change our blog names to incorporate the 🙁 , then I would feel like we’re really communicating.
Thx.
Sleeping while communicating. 🙁
Welcome to 🙁 ful.
Frowny sounds like a needy stalker. I seem to recall that you attract that sort somehow?
I’m going to 🙁 until you respond.
Beyond the :(ommunication
// growing my corkscrew fingernails, //
hahahaha
People are weird. 🙁
Why haven’t you responded? 🙁
My cousin Mike and his wife Lisa do a running bit about the different ways both of them will turn down a playdate invite from another family. They do it in tandem, at parties and family gatherings, and it is HILARIOUS. Lisa calls up the family in question and gives a long explanation about why they can’t come, which then becomes a conversation of commiseration, sharing, emotional feelings, and bonding. Mike’s conversation is as follows, “Yeah, man, we can’t come to the playdate. Sorry. Sure, talk to ya later. Bye.” They do this “bit” to raucous laughter from all of us watching.
Not that one way is better than the other. Each has their good points and bad points. But it’s so funny that they, as a couple, recognize that difference and turn it into this huge bit. Mike’ll be like, “Lisa, who were just talking to for 45 minutes?” She’ll say who, and Mike’ll be like, “Wait – wasn’t that just supposed to be a conversation saying no to the playdate??” Lisa: “I know, but so and so’s tooth came out and the marching band concert is coming up and I haven’t seen her in so long …” It’s hysterical.
You all make me :-(.
Especially Cousin Mike.
🙁 🙁 🙁
Needy stalkers love me. 🙁
Why is the frowny face now making me so happy? 🙁
The Sheila 🙁 or The 🙁 Variations. That one’s better, I think.
I now prefer “Confessions of a Pioneer 🙁 ”
Maybe if she did that, she’d finally be successful, poor thing.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
Sorry, I meant to add: 🙁
🙁 of the Nightfly
“All the Net’s indeed a stage, and we are merely 🙁 ”
You can spread this idea all over the world!
Eastbound and 🙁
i:(
Lady 🙁
🙁 New Year’s!
Oxy 🙁 – with the incredible cleaning power of 🙁 !
Keep Calm and Carry 🙁
Kellogg’s Raisin 🙁 – two scoops of 🙁 in every box
I 🙁 Huckabee’s
Oh. Apparently it doesn’t work at the beginning of a sentence, or immediately after another character. Now I’m 🙁
I hate this situation. It has happened to me many times (in the real world) and I wonder what kind of vibes I throw off to people that they think they can munipulate me into “explaining myself” for a mutual silence/noncommunication.
I like your response and refusal to take the blame. I think I will be different and give you one of these 🙂
NF — Keep Calm and Carry 🙁 AND I 🙁 Huckabee’s — hahahahaha.
Lynne — Thanks. It’s a weird thing, isn’t it? It feels a bit like a subtle power grab on the “blamer’s” fault. Why not just say, “Miss you. Hope we can catch up soon”? Then there’s no edge poking into the air.
Okay, this is going to sound weird, but the only little part of astrology I believe in is Mercury in retrograde, which means that every–and I mean EVERY–communcation gets screwed up. Misinterpreted, doesn’t go through, goes to the wrong person, you name it, it happens. So your IM friend most likely is reading something wrong.
That said, jeez, if any person wanted to resume contact with you, I don’t understand why more than saying “Hi” was necessary.
I am off to change my blog to Maiden 🙁 which probably suits what’s been going on lately.