There are reasons why, for about the last six weeks, this blog has been completely lame. Some are behind-the-scenes personal things that are consuming my thoughts, things I’m not inclined to share right now. Others are church-related things sucking my brains away. And, actually, that’s the stuff I’ve been hinting about. The stuff I don’t know how to talk about or where, even, to begin.
Suffice it to say right now my blog is being “watched” by powers that be within the larger organization of Seriously Not Likely Church, formerly known as Maybe Church.
Suffice it to say that someone I trusted, someone I’d always believed trustworthy without question — someone I would have trusted with my life — who came by my blog address through a series of bizarre, stupid, and somewhat happenstance events, outed my blog to the church people who are now “watching” it.
Suffice it to say that these powers seem to believe I have “slandered” them and their church, despite the fact that the name of this church has never ever been mentioned here.
Suffice it to say that these powers would likely NEVER have found my blog had it not been outed. They couldn’t have Googled anything church related and found me. And if they had stumbled upon me, they would never have known what church I’m even talking about had they not been told.
Suffice it to say that I barely understand anything that’s going on here anymore.
But suffice it to say, that at this point, I’m furious and I want to say to all of these watchers:
SCREW IT.
SCREW IT.
Yep. I said screw it. Please alert more powers. Also Jesus. Or you know what, watchers? Confront me about my “sin.” My sins. Whatever you’ve decided I’ve done wrong here. Please do. Make yourselves known. You’ve got something you want to say to me? SAY it. For God’s sake, when I have bigger cojones than the men in the church, something’s wrong. Nothing worse to me than cowardly men.
I’m tired of tiptoeing around. I’m tired of betrayal. I’m tired of the contempt I’ve been made to feel for my own blog and for myself.
Please GOD, I am SO SO TIRED.
Where are the good people anymore? Where have they gone, God? Please tell me. I’m literally begging you. I’m completely losing hope in this area. Not in you, but in your people. Honestly, I can’t take it anymore. And the betrayal here at the core of this whole thing — I can’t even write about that part of it.
Look, Slappies. I doubt you’re here because you like the writing or me — which are the reasons that my regular readers/normal people come here, actually. No. You’re coming here with some kind of agenda. You’re coming here with judgment in your hearts already, a truly sickening thing since I have done absolutely nothing but write about my foray into a new anonymous church. And that’s somehow gossip? Or slander? You know, I can’t abide people who don’t understand basic meanings of basic words and use their misunderstandings of basic words to form the basis of ridiculous, mind-bogglingly stupid judgments.
What is wrong with you? Seriously, what is wrong with you?? Don’t come here bearing the name of Christ if you’re just going to be douches.
I’m sorry to my regular readers. I really am. I’m pissed and sick of feeling cowed.
Watch out, watchers. I haven’t named any names, but I make no promises to STAY discreet. I have no allegiance to your precious “organization.” Jesus doesn’t call us to that.
And, you know, watchers, I’m feeling kind of trampy and really pissed off, so I think maybe next Sunday, I shall don something “immodest” (by your crazy-rigid standards) and form-fitting when I dress for church. So beware my saucy D’s! If you ask me, they’re the very model of — what’s that phrase you like to throw around? — “Christian womanhood.” Alas, bummer for those of you who don’t attend this location. You’ll miss the D’s.
Let’s face it. If you’re viewing me as some kind of slanderous slattern, may as well look the part, right?
I’ll leave you to figure out how to manage that one next Sunday. I mean, you can’t stare at the saucy D’s; I’ll know it’s you. And you can’t avert your eyes from the saucy D’s, or I’ll know it’s you. Hm. Conundrum. Hm.
Well, I imagine I’ve said enough in this one post to send you all weeping and wailing in repentance to every last man in church for reading this filthy blog. I mean, clearly, there’s nothing here but slander and smut so you really should move along, for the sake of your eternal souls. At least with this post I’ve given you something to judge me for.
(And if you want to add “ends sentence with a preposition” as something FOR WHICH to judge me, so be it.)
See how the Lord provides? You have a need to judge and, behold, this post — his provision!
Judge away, Slappies.
I haven’t actually finished this post yet, but I am so angry on your behalf that I’m writing now.
In short–
what is so damn Christian about being petty voyeurs?
Yes, church people, I’m talking about you. Would you be so sanguine about discussing issues you’d observed about her through her bathroom window? Really, have you no shame?
You’re right, tracey– this is your personal weblog, and you set it up to be a safe place for you.
After exactly the same thing happened at your last place, right? Or am I remembering wrong?
These people really need to reconsider that passage about removing the beam from their own eyes before they even think of talking to you about yours.
Fuck you, church people.
I’m a big fan of your definition of Christian womanhood.
Not quite as big as you, unfortunately–
small but sassy, satanic B’s.
Hopefully they’ll play some lively hymn so you can shake them like maracas right in their judgemental faces. ..
This is appalling.
At the risk of being “that person” who says “I never liked that guy you were dating anyway” and then finds out later that you’ve gone back to them:
“I never thought that church was the right fit for y’all anyway”
Unlike roo, I can’t generate much anger at the watchers… Come on, if “I” was told there was someone writing about MY church, I’d take a gander at it… And, while I would try to keep a lid on your anonymity, I know of a few individuals that would spread the gossip far and wide in the church.
It’s the trusted person, that “outed” you who I have the most contempt for. So this person found your blog by accident… The PROPER behavior is to keep quiet about it or, if you REALLY feel the need, take it up your concerns with the blog owner in private. To instead, tattle on you is, as Sheila said, is APPALLING!
god i’m sorry tracey.
I’m so sorry, tracey.
JFH – it’s not that they’re looking. It’s that they feel that what she has done is “slander”.
Idiots.
roo — Thank you. And, please God, don’t let them be watching me in the bathroom. Is that next???
JFH — It’s convoluted to explain, believe me, but the “outing” person received the blog address through a combination of stupidity and luck, I guess I could describe it?? I’m saying Outing Person (OP) didn’t just stumble across the blog — to clarify. And no, it’s not a good fit, but I ain’t leaving the church. YET. I’ve got me some things to do.
Hades — /small but sassy, satanic B’s./
I’m dying over here! Hahahahahaha! I love that.
And JFH — OP has, quite honestly, broken my heart. This is not some random person. I wish it were. With all my heart I wish it were.
And I will shake my sassy satanic C’s, so now we just need an A cup, and we’ve got ourselves a band.
Tracey, that sucks! It is so sad, but in the born again world, so many Christians feel they have to put on their shiny-happy face to prove they are a Christian. While it is true that when I began following Christ, I was changed in profound ways, it is not true that I then become perfect, and I’m not going to pretend that I am. A church full of shiny-happy Christians feels that those of us who are honest and not willing to put on the shiny-happy face are a threat.
My favorite Christians are recovering addicts. My husband’s band leads worship at a Celebrate Recovery group at a church in town. Those are real Christians with real struggles who won’t put on the stupid shiny-happy face, and call out those who do on their bullshit.
And Judas should be ashamed of herself. I’m so sorry, (and angry!) Tracey.
Oh Tracey. I am so sorry. I recently had to move my blog of over the heart breaking, crushing, horrifying betrayal of someone I deeply loved and trusted. As a result of that betrayal, I too have been judged, unfairly I think, by people who I thought knew and loved me. I was wrong. So I truly feel your pain. I am so, so sorry you have had to go through this too.
I know the words “I’m sorry” are very little in the way of balm, but please know there are people out here you have never met, but still KNOW at least a small part of you, who count you as a friend.
And as for the watchers…go get ’em, Girl. I will be shakin’ my own saucy D’s in silent support.
Tracey,
Good grief, is there no end to the torture some of God’s children must go through, and at the hands of others of His children no less?
I’m working tonight (yeah, Starbucks, I know…), but I love to pray while I’m doing the dishes there, so just know that tonight there will be some random Minnesota chick washing Starbucks dishes and storming the gates of Heaven on your behalf.
Hang in there, my sister in Christ. Lean on friends, MB, and most importantly, Him. DO NOT let yourself get dragged down to their level. Just keep being Jesus to them, exactly as you have been. What I would give for your courage and fortitude and faith!
I wish that you lived closer to me and that we knew each other so that I could give you a hug and pray with you in person.
Grace and Peace,
Katie
I’m just so upset for you right now. Thinking of you guys.
I’ll really frost ’em, Tracey – I have but the one cup, and I’ll shake THAT at them for you. Lord spare us all from the plastic churchianity people.
Those who commented before me have expressed the same outrage/sympathies I have, better than I have (and in fact ‘Fly’s single cup–DDD’s, right?–comment had me in stitches), so. . .
. . . I offer you some nearly-B’s solidarity.
Seriously, it sucks that you were outed, are being watched–but it is awesome that you aren’t letting yourself get steamrolled. Because honestly, anybody who stands between you and Jesus is, well, in trouble (if you read the Gospels).
Jesus is bigger.
I left the institutional church for the home church because of stuff like this. I could write a book on the reasons why if I was just a better writer. My mom thinks I’ve joined a cult. Maybe I did, but we love Jesus and each other in this cult and do our best to show others the same.
NF — You’re killing me. Hahahahaha.
Kate P — Thanks, hon.
Brian — I’d love to hear more about the home church you attend sometime.
I forgot to add…
Sorry you’re dealing with crap. I wish you and MB would find a family of believers to worship along side. One that you can love with and grow with – blessings, baggage, and life included.
Katie — Thank you so much. What a lovely comment.
This sucks so much, Trace. Wish you didn’t have to deal with this drama.
I have nothing original to add here, other than not all “Christians” are children of God. They are pretenders and they “have their reward.” There’s going to be some seriously surprised and disappointed “Christians” come judgment day. Hang in there, Tracey. And keep looking…the Lord will help you find a family that’s a good fit.
Saggy A-cups in solidarity here! 🙂