i refuse

I refuse to let others’ treatment of me be the setpoint for what I think I’m worth.

Last night, out of the blue, I said that to MB, and he said, “Finally. Thank God.”

For various reasons, all the events of last year and the actions of The Outing Person did a real number on my psyche. I haven’t talked about it here because it’s too damn embarrassing, frankly, how badly it all messed with me. It was a cumulative effect for me of too many of the same kinds of things over too many years. That situation was a kind of last straw. I became this open wound that couldn’t be touched or healed. I faked my way through everything, even this blog. I did my schoolwork and that was it. On typical days, I rarely went outside of the house and I rarely spoke to others besides MB. That’s the truth. There were family things — many things — that required my presence and my care, which I tried to give, but I just didn’t have enough. Or I felt like I didn’t have enough.

For some reason, the weight of all the crap from Christians over the last decade finally came crashing and crushing down on me and left me feeling — pardon me — like a piece of shit.

But this year I renounce that. I rebuke it. I realize now that all of these things — these same types of things for YEARS — are spiritual attacks. And I’ve just allowed them. I haven’t fought them. By that, I’m not saying I brought them on. No. I’m saying that on some level, once they happened, I simply believed I deserved it. I believed I deserved to be treated as if I’m worth only gossip and judgment. That I deserved to be treated as if my humanity was somehow less than that of others. That I didn’t matter so neither did my hurts and wounds. That I wasn’t even worth being spoken to. Or worth an apology. At the bottom of it all, I believed I was simply the lowest thing, the least thing — nothing.

When that enemy of our souls whispered to me over and over that I was a piece of crap, I was weak and weightless and simply said “You’re right. I agree.” It became hypnotic. The repetition of that lie.

I repeated his mantra, told myself “I am nothing,” and spent an entire year of my life living that lie. I let that enemy of my soul, my heart, my spirit paralyze me. The weight of the lies became the most substantive thing about me. I imagine he watched, triumphant, as one by one, I let myself become each and every one of those lies.

But not anymore. Not anymore. The spiritual disabilities of others are not my responsibility. I will not let them paralyze me anymore as if they’re mine. I will not let them own me anymore. They are not mine. They are not mine. That’s a lie straight from the pit.

What comes from the pit needs to back to the pit. That’s its home. That’s where it belongs.

I am not your home.

I am not your home.

I refuse to believe the lies anymore. I will fight you with whatever I have.

Because I refuse. I refuse.

I refuse to let others’ treatment of me be the setpoint for what I think I’m worth.

I REFUSE.

So my anthem for 2011.

12 Replies to “i refuse”

  1. I repeated his mantra, told myself “I am nothing,” and spent an entire year of my life living that lie

    YOU, tracey, are a child of God, and because of that, you are worth more than you can imagine.

    What others think of you (especially those coming from those “Christians” that have been making you feel that you are nothing) obviously should have ZERO meaning to you… God believes in your worth (and so do your family and REAL friends).

    We are ALL sinful beings (ESPECIALLY those in the that network of churches), and need God’s forgiveness. No matter the talents, no matter how pious you are, we ALL fall short of God’s expectations. But that has NOTHING to do with your worth or your potential worth.

  2. AMEN.

    And a huge hug from all of us out to you. FWIW, the things you have chosen to share were enough to convince me that you are braver than you know, and beloved of God. “For where sin abounds, grace is all the more abundant.”

  3. I love you, Tracey. I am sorry that this last year has been so harrowing.

    // When that enemy of our souls whispered to me over and over that I was a piece of crap, I was weak and weightless and simply said “You’re right. I agree.” It became hypnotic. The repetition of that lie. //

    That really really struck me. You’ve made similar observations to me before when things have come up like that: that there is something almost otherworldly in such moments, that there is a force of evil that looks for opportunities, openings, using others to get their message across. It’s the person who manages to say the worst, the most cutting thing, to you, when you are really really low. You have very much comforted me and strengthened me in those moments when I have felt weak, and assaulted by the hypnotic whisper of those who tell me I am dogshit.

    Your strength is undeniable (from where I stand), although I know it probably doesn’t feel that way. I’ve got your back. Whenever you need it.

    I like your anthem. HOO YAH!

  4. Sarah — Wow.

    What a nice thing to say as your first comment on a stranger’s blog. It always tells me a lot about a person — the way they join a conversation. Someone who feels the need to jump in and criticize right off the bat always has larger issues at work. Insecurity. Jealousy. Mental/emotional health issues. A generally icky critical nature. Something.

    Sorry you don’t like the writing. Plenty of other people do. Don’t like it, don’t read. Although, I might add, you’re the one who read 6 pages of my blog.

    But thanks for your kindness today — of all days — when I’ve had an especially hard day.

    (Hope I didn’t try too hard for you on that one.)

  5. I know how you feel about being attacked and just accepting it. It becomes a part of who you are but as JFH said, you are a child of GOD!! We are heirs to the kingdom of heaven through Christ Jesus, the enemy cannot handle that so he strives to tear us down. I love your insight and got goose bumps reading this post.

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