So MB was gone last weekend and when that happens, I kind of pine away, all Rapunzelly in my tower. I become slothful and listless and eat weird random things like yams. On top of that, I become highly susceptible to the hypnotic truthiness of infomercials. Maybe it’s the yams that do it. Which, if true, would be deeply disappointing because they’re supposed to be good for you as long as you don’t eat too many of them and turn orange much like the QT girls of yore. (Unless that’s just carrots. And not really true.) Well, regardless, I really don’t like the idea of my tubers ganging up on me. So, whether tuber collusion or no, over the course of the weekend, I found myself comatose in front of the TV for a total of 4, IV, FOUR infomercials. And it’s not like I seek them out. I don’t. I really truly don’t. It has to be the tubers. Damn you, tasty tubers.
Now, because I know you all rely on me for up-to-the-minute information, I feel it’s my duty to impart my newly gained infomercial knowledge with you. Even though this happened 4 days ago.
The Tobi Steamer: Oooh. It’s a portable steamer. No more ironing, ever; they promise. I learned my entire world will become smooth and crisp and fresh, much like Martha Stewart’s before the rap sheet. Oh, I think it does windows too. And carpets. And your face.
Zumba!: A bunch of people with magic Zumba sticks shaking their hips all the way to rock-hard abs and bods. It’s all very hypnotic. I learned that it’s really true that hips don’t lie. Quite the contrary. They are honest and loyal and hardworking. Very very hardworking.
Sheer Cover Makeup: Leeza Gibbons’ line of mineral makeup. Here, I learned that the twin who put on the Sheer Cover and went for a 5-mile run — in full makeup like we all do — looked better than the twin who put on other lesser makeup and also went for a 5-mile run. She was sweaty and streaky. The other twin was perfect and glowing. Good job, Leeza. Stirring the turd of sibling rivalry on national TV — all to line your pretty little pockets. There’s no covering that.
Meaningful Beauty: Cindy Crawford’s skincare line. I learned that beauty can be meaningful and cheap at the same time. But if the kit doesn’t include a temporary magic mole, it don’t mean squat, does it?
Now, lest you think otherwise, I didn’t order any of these things. Nope, not a one. The tubers don’t hold that much power over me, I guess. I’m susceptible to the truthiness, but not overcome by the truthiness. And just because these websites are now in my Bookmarks doesn’t imply a thing about any future relationship I may have with Tobi or Zumba or Leeza or Cindy. Not a thing.
Sometimes I just sit and eat yams and hanker is all.