March 30, 2006

-image-artist trading cards 3

Happy Artist Trading Card Friday!

(Even though it’s really Thursday — most of you will see this Friday, no?)

Just a few today ….. but they’re purty, I think:

March 29, 2006

-image-berry good news

Phone calls with Piper are always hysterical.

Just now, I could hear Piper in the background saying, “Mama, I want to talk to Tee Tee.”

“Do you know what you’re going to say to her?”

“Yeeah.”

“Okay. Here you go.”

Rustling and murmurs as the phone changes hands. Then the giggling starts. Before the hello. Always before the hello.

“Heheeheehehehheheeheeheee ….. HI, TEE TEE!”

“Hi, Pipey! What’s up?”

She says:

“Uhhhhhmmmm …… heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee …..”

And I say:

“Heeheeheeeheeeheeheeeheee ….”

Then together we say:

“Heeheeheheeheheheheeeeheeheeheeheeheheheheeeeeheeeeee ….”

I love this conversation, frankly. I could do JUST this on the phone with her and be perfectly content. We teehee together for probably a good minute, not saying anything, just a couple of giggling girls giving in to being 5. Finally, though, I decide to try a knock-knock joke. Now, honestly, my memory for knock-knock jokes has long since faded. But no matter. She LOVES knock-knock jokes and, plus, she will laugh NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY. Especially if it’s about bananas. Bananas are naturally funny, you see. Just the very WORD is hilarious to her.

“Knock knock,” I say.

“Heeheehee ….. who’s dere?”

“Banana.”

“Banana who? Heheheehee.”

Hm. Did I mention I don’t really remember any knock-knock jokes? And if I don’t remember the jokes, then it follows that I certainly don’t remember the punchlines? But she, of course, doesn’t know that. So I just say whatever pops into my head, with great enthusiasm and complete abandon.

“Banana ….. ALL OVER YOUR FACE!!!”

“HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEHEEHEEEHEEE!!!!!”

She is literally gasping for breath, hiccupping with giggles, at the blatant hilarity of what I’ve said. Finally, she gasps:

“Tee Tee, why did the banana jump off the truck?” Hiccup. Gasp.

“I dunno. Why?”

“Because ….. heheeheeheheehehe …. IT WANTED TO BE FLAT!!!”

(Does this joke have something to do with banana splits, maybe? No matter — her version is beyond hysterical to both of us. We surrender our souls to the utter silliness of it all.)

Then, she announces, between our shrieks of laughter:

“Tee Tee, I hab some berry good news for you!!””

“Really? What’s that?!”

“I’VE LOOSED 3 TOOFS!!”

“WOW!! REALLY??”

“Yeeahh!”

“THAT IS SO GREAT! Did the Tooth Fairy bring you something?”

“Yeeahh!! Do you know what it was, Tee Tee?”

“No! What?!”

“Two silber coins, Tee Tee!”

Oh! How I love that she is 5 and that she doesn’t know the difference and that the simple fact of having “two silber coins” is beyond exciting to her.

“WOWWWW!!!”

“YEEAHH! But may I tell you someping ells? I have some more berry good news for you!!”

“More??”

“YEEAH. I hab 4 fish now!”

“Really? What are their names?”

“Their names are Sophia and Tinkybell and Anina and Star. Star is a catfish, Tee Tee!!”

“WOWW!! Those are great names, Peeps!!”

“Yeeah.”

She grows quiet, then says, simply:

“I love you, Tee Tee! Bye!”

I love you, too, kid.

-image-cullen

has some thoughts on American Idol. Would’ve linked to ’em sooner, but I was out the door at 5:30 A.M. and I’m just getting home. So I’m late to the party today!

March 28, 2006

-image-parade of kooks and malcontents, scene 5

A lady who looked normal but wasn’t came into The Beanhouse and I, lucky girl, got to converse with her:

LADY: So what kind of stuff do you have here?

(Seriously????)

ME: Uh, coffee …. tea ….. pastries ….. you know.

LADY (looking at menu board over my head): What’s a “Beanhouse Cappuccino”?

ME: Well, that’s our specialty. It’s a layered drink: steamed milk, espresso, foam, topped with whipped creme, shaved chocolate, and cinnamon.

LADY: Ew. Sounds really sweet. Does it have sugar in it?

ME: Well, the whipped creme has some.

LADY (visibly shuddering): EW. No. Okay. What’s a latte?

ME: Espresso, steamed milk, and foam.

LADY: Does it have sugar?

ME: Not unless you put sugar in it.

LADY: Okay. Because I don’t want sugar.

ME: I see that.

LADY: Hm. What’s an au lait?

ME (listen, Quizzie Borden): It’s coffee and steamed milk ….

LADY: D —

ME: ….. and it doesn’t have sugar either.

LADY: Okay. What’s a con panna?

ME (LordinheavenkilloneofusNOW): Yeaaah. THAT is espresso with whipped creme.

LADY: But the whipped creme has some sugar, you said?

ME: Yesss. You probably don’t want that one.

LADY: Well, then, what’s a macchiato?

ME (!!?#@%!??): It’s espresso topped with …… “death,” Tracey, SAY it ….. uh, foam.

LADY: Hmm. Okay. Well, I’ll just have a cup of coffee.

And then, just then, my eyes rolled back in my head and the thousand hell demons inside me roused, rumbled, and growled in fiendish chorus:

GETTTT OOUUUUUUTTTT!!!!! GETTTT OOUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

But then ….. well, the moment was over and my eyes rolled front and center again, and she was still there, staring, staring, a persistent wench, unmoved by my thousand growling hell demons and I had to pour her a damn cuppa coffee.

But you know what?

I did NOT tell her to have a nice day.

-image-idol, actually

Did Kellie ACTUALLY do a little kick, but still stay standing??

Did Ace ACTUALLY point to a scar on his upsettingly pasty chest during the “permanent scar” lyric??

And did I ACTUALLY retch upon seeing this??

Did Paula ACTUALLY ask to hear to story behind his permanent scar …. sometime, hmmm, yummycakes??

Did Ace ACTUALLY say it was a heroic, sports-related scar??

Did Mandisa ACTUALLY sing “Shackles” — a gospel song I LOVE??

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise You, I just wanna praise You
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I’m gonna praise You, I’m gonna praise You

(Can’t be objective here. I know Randy and Simon didn’t like it, but I just love that song. Get the CD by MaryMary. You know, I think I understand WHY Simon said it was indulgent; maybe it was not the right choice for this venue. I do get that. BUT, I think she made a very personal song choice. It went beyond just “liking”; the song had meaning to her. Gotta give her some snaps for that.)

Anyway …..

Did Katherine ACTUALLY look like she belonged on the deck of the Starship Enterprise??

Did Bucky ACTUALLY do ANYTHING??

Did Paris ACTUALLY wear a mini chocolate bundt cake on her head??

(We sell those at The Beanhouse. They’re quite delicious, actually.)

Did Paula ACTUALLY tell her — in front of her parents — that the freakin’ Pussycat Dolls were gonna come a’callin’??

Did Elliott ACTUALLY bring it, babeee?? YAY!!!

And then …. well, it was over. You know that.

March 27, 2006

-image-dear “24”: I’ll never get over it

So don’t EVEN tell me I have to!

We went from this:

President Chocolate Bear, now deceased.

To this:

President, well, Nixon, apparently.

If you can raise HIM from the dead, then surely you can resurrect my beloved Chocolate Bear.

And every Monday, when your show is on and I see THAT face, you people force me to quote my nephew Joseph, from when he was four years old and wailing from being served Nana’s apple crisp for the first time:

“Ohhhh, Pop-Pop, I can’t even LOOK at it!!!!

-image-so, you know

Sorry I haven’t posted in several days. Life’s been too busy and I’m just feeling dry … I got nothin’.

Prolly have something up tomorrow.

Okay. WAIT! Here’s something: Do you ever just suddenly, randomly forget how to spell a word, even if you pride yourself on being a good speller?? I just did that. I could NOT remember how to spell “tomorrow” up there. I first wrote “tommorow,” it looked pretty good to me, and I clicked on dictionary.com only to validate the utter correctness of my choice.

Stupid dictionary.

But thank GOD! I thought I had nothin’.

March 23, 2006

-image-I said I was in a timeout, but

I have to give a shout out to Bruce, dear reader and my hero because he’s reading Jane Eyre!

But, Bruce ……

FINISHHHH THE BOOK SO WE CAN HEAR WHAT YOU THOUGHT, ALREADY!!!

IT’S KILLING ME!!!

THE ENDING IS SO WORTH IT!!!

AND YES, I’M SHOUTING, BUT CAN I GET AN ‘AMEN’ HERE??

March 22, 2006

-image-vile and appalling slop

Remember how sometimes your mom, try as she might to rival that genius Chef Boyardee, would only succeed in making the most god-awful crap for dinner? And how she probably hoped you’d be a pliant little kid and chew it up good and choke it down nice? But how somewhere in her head thrummed the nagging notion that it really was the most vile and appalling slop? But how you didn’t know if she actually thought that because you were just a greedy little tot and didn’t give a rip about your mom’s inner thought life and deep, secret sorrows? So how all you really DID know was that she’d made you mush and it made you sick and it made you cry?

Well …. uh …. I’m afraid what I’ve been cooking up this last week in the ol’ Worship Naked post kitchen has seemed just a tad too much like this:

Okay, now dry your eyes. Sorry if your tummy hurts.

Kitchen closed ’til Monday. I’m in a timeout.

March 21, 2006

-image-barry manilow idol

Tonight is 50s song night on American Idol. Let’s see how they do. Barry Manilow is coaching them this week. (Please excuse any typos. I’m frantically clacking away here!)

Up first, Mandisa: This girl is just gooey chocolate lava cake. SHE IS MELTIN’ SMOKIN’ HOT TONIGHT!! Crowd is on its feet. She completely deserves it, I think. Randy thinks she’s “unbelievable”. Paula thinks she’s a “thoroughbred.” Okaaay, Paula. Are you ever sober?? Simon thought she was “SEXY”!! Damn straight. You go, gooey chocolate lava cake! We LOVE you!!

Bucky: I’m totally serious when I say this — he reminds me of a girl I used to know named Jennifer. He looks EXACTLY like her. Except her mustache was better. Singing “Oh, Boy!” Oh, boy, poor boy. Ew. Blech. Can I please just call you Jennifer? Randy says “perfect song for you.” Which means nothing, really. Paula says, “You had fun.” Which means nothing, really. So now Simon, bringing the reality — “pointless karaoke performance …. a so-what performance.” Exactly. Sorry, Jennifer.

Paris: Singing “Fever.” Her dress is good, actually, but, well, her face always makes me think of Hattie McDaniel, who played Mammy in Gone with the Wind. I keep waiting for her to say, “And then Mista Rhett went out and shot dat po’ pony!” Oooh! Now, THAT I would actually enjoy! I dunno. She’s just not sexy and this is a sexy song. I’m not really a fan, I guess. They love her, though. But — really going out on a limb here — she won’t win this thing.

Chris: Oooh! “Walk the Line” Ooooh!! Let’s take a listen, shall we? Uhm, okay. Well, it’s got a certain gloomy edginess, I guess. Kinda. He sounds good. Just not sure I like this rendition. He’s made it new, though, and different, so that’s no small thing. Randy and Paula like it. Simon …. “the first artist whose refused to compromise.” Help me, everyone. I’m kinda headachey and out of sorts tonight. What did y’all think of that rendition?

Katherine: Bothered that Simon didn’t remember her last name. Watch out, hon. Keep having a wee attitude and a lot more people are gonna remember a lot less than that about you. “Come Rain or Come Shine.” Don’t like her dress. Hmmph. She really CAN sing, though. Really, really can. She keeps prancing around the stage, attempting to strut sexily and it doesn’t quite work. The audience cheers wildly and she says, “I’ve got my own dawg pound!” Randy says not his favorite performance, but she “worked it out.” Paula said something too. And Simon …. “tonight you turned into a star. Luuuuved it,” he says. Why does he keep doing Charles Nelson Reilly tonight?? She IS turning into a star, but perhaps not a very likeable star.

Taylor: (Did he cut his hair?) Singing Buddy Holly, “Not Fade Away.” And yes, he DID get a haircut. I think he’s doing great with a song that’s not much of a vocal stretch for him. He’s just so much FUN! Watching him do what makes him happy makes ME happy. (If that makes any sense. ) Randy and Paula like it. Then Simon ….. “that was just some hideous party performance.” Paula protests feebly. Simon counters, “Poorla, Poorla, Poorla, you’re talking rubbish!!”

Lisa: “Why do Fools Fall in Love?” Is it me, or does she have a kind of Natalie Cole-ishness to her looks? Don’t know what’s going on with her outfit — I think it’s ewwie. I think the song is too low. Starts badly. She appears to stumble on some words. Overall blah. Randy says “Wow wow wow” in that bland-ish way he has. Paula comments on her energy. Simon says it was okay. Yeah, just okay — shall I add another “ish” to this paragraph? It was just okay-ish.

Li’l Woody Allen: Ssthinging “When I Fall in Love.” Okay. That’s already better that last week’s “Part-Time Lover” Seacrest says “Prepare to shed a tear, America.” Ugh. “Sstheem to cool in the warmth of the ssthun.” AGGGHHH!! I’ve just realized Li’l Woody Allen’s got the George Bush no-lips thing goin’ on!! AGGGGHHHH!! I can no longer watch him sing. Closing my eyes NOW. Oh, someone, please, give him a woobie, read him a story, and put him to BED!! Randy said he did a pretty good job and that he likes him, dude. Paula — “you’ve got more moxie than anyone I’ve met in my life.” Simon, “Your target audience will love that.” Meaning all the gampies and gammies out there. Too bad it’s 9 p.m. and gammie’s asleep.

Elliott: “Teach Me Tonight.” Oops. He actually said he wasn’t “too fond” of Barry Manilow’s work before he met him. Haha. I like Elliott. He’s dorky cute. Hit a few clunkers here and there, but the song was lovely, nice. His voice is so smooth. Inevitably, Paula says something stupid and Simon says, “Thank you for those beautiful words, Poorla.” Then to Elliott, “It was fantastic.” Yay, Elliott!!

Kellie: “Walking after Midnight.” She also does a strut thing, but her knees come up so high, it’s like she’s trying to dodge piles of dog poo. Sexy. I dunno. She’s kind of a cartoon to me. She can sing, I suppose, but her persona seems like just that: a persona, a put-on for effect. Or perhaps I’m just hoping that she’s not REALLY that dimmm. She shares with us that her “eyelashes are better this week.” Um, WHAT??

And lastly, Ace: “In the Still of the Night.” I’m predisposed to dislike him a bit; he’s just such a pretty, pretty pony. And I don’t really like pretty men. Nice falsetto at the end, I guess. Props from Randy, etc. Paula — uh oh, dewey-eyed and slurry-mouthed means she’s getting a crush — “the sexiest, sultriest vocal you’ve done yet!” Simon says, “a helluva lot better than last week.” Well, pretty pretty pony, that’s SOMEPIN’, I guess.

Bottom 3: Hmm. Bucky, Lisa, and, PLEASE, Li’l Woody Allen!!

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