I am retarded

Well, I was going through a bunch of old papers today and I am literally sick with grief and horror over what I’m about to share with you. I need to take a breath. Seriously.

Okay.

Just moments ago, I found, stuffed randomly in a notebook, a yellow (no, not “yellowed,” but yellow, like a happy sunflower) piece of paper titled ….. “My Wedding.”

I’m not sure I even want to give you a time frame on this because it is so embarrassing to me in a kind of soul-crushing way. All I can say is — look at me defending myself here — my upbringing was very very sheltered and whenever I find these old papers, I think I sound at least five years younger than the age I actually was when I wrote it.

That said, I am 19 in chronological years at the time I wrote this. But I sound about 14.

Okay. Without further ado or excuses, here it is:

My Wedding

*Fall — maroons? dark greys

*Winter — burgundies/ dark greys

*Spring — rose/pink/lighter greys

*Summer — pinks w/blues perhaps, for accents/greys – light
(I am aghast at all these colors. Who is this person and how long did her Grey Period last?

*Time — evening or afternoon
(Okay, so not morning.)

*Music — M on piano
(M was a boyfriend of mine. I guess I thought either we’d get married and he’d be my groom AND my pianist or that he’d be totally fine with being the pianist later — you know, when I married someone else. Um, what, Trace?)

*Singing — S.
(See explanation above, only insert “soloist” for “pianist.”)

*B-maids — S (sister), K. B?
(B was a wild card, I guess.)

*Flowers — roses, perhaps silk
(Oh, okay, my brain just popped. Right now. Poof.)

*Processional — I don’t know
(I don’t know if this means “I don’t know what musical processional to use at this extravaganza featuring all my ex-boyfriends” or “I don’t know if I even want to pro-cess.”)

*No reception line — they are too time-consuming
(I am not retarded. YAY!)

*Have gifts opened in advance and put on display.
(I guess I really wanted to say a heartfelt “Thank You!” to all my guests by putting their gifts up for scrutiny and comparison, like a swimsuit competition for wedding presents.)

*Pictures taken beforehand

*Short train on gown

*No veil, unless he wants one
(Who, Trace? Your pianist or your soloist?)

*Maybe a hat
(AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

*Would like to have husband sing to me, if he has that ability
(But please be advised, there will be auditions and callbacks and a rigorous rehearsal schedule with me, Mistress Helga, your future low-maintenance bride)

*Own vows — maybe

That’s the end of the list. But it should be noted that I must have revisited the list at some later date, because across the entire paper, in giant capital letters is an eloquent, underlined:

GAG-O!!

**********************************
(Posted in honor of dear Nightfly, who’s tying the knot this weekend! Congratulations to you and your bride, NF!)

thread

When I lie in bed at night, through the sliver of space between the curtain and the window, I can see the glow from the neighbor’s window. It’s higher than our window, a little bit, and, lately, every night, I stare at that ribbon of golden light before I drift off, sleepy eyes blurring to see an almost white aura pulsing around the gold, watching the in-and-out sway of black branches of a nearby tree. And I’m mesmerized. The radiant ribbon. The rippling aura. The weaving branches. If someone asked, I could answer that it’s just the neighbor’s bathroom, but when I’m lying in bed, MB asleep beside me, that’s not what it is. No. It’s a queer tugging thread connecting me to something long long ago. A little kid’s bedroom. A little kid’s bed. A twin bed for me, a twin bed for my sister, and a dark room with blue shag carpet. Long after my bedtime, I’d lie there, watching the golden sliver under the door, listening to the muffled tv, the muted laughter, the quiet conversation, all the things that meant mom and dad were still awake, still there. I was safe. I was not alone. My sister would snore softly a few feet away and I would lie there, praying and praying, the same thing over and over. Praying that the bad thing that happened would never happen to us again. Praying that God would protect us from now on. Praying, praying, praying. Finally, though, I would drift off, with the golden sliver and the soft sounds and a quiet quiet God. Years later, it’s a grown-up bedroom. A grown-up bed. A golden ribbon. A snoring husband. But still, still, I lie there in the dark and pray to a quiet quiet God, gazing at the shifting glow until the window goes dark for the night.

a burning harry potter question

DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINK HERE IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE LAST BOOK YET!

OKAY??

Okay. Is it really true that NO ONE has input about the question I asked in the last paragraph of my post here?

Someone just tell me. Something. Anything. I need an answer! Please, smartypants-es!

birthday stuff ‘n’ thangs

~ Well, there’s no hope for me now. I cannot stop singing the “Spider-Pig” song from The Simpsons Movie, which we saw today.

You know …..

Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig,
Does whatever a Spider-Pig does
Can he swing, from a web?
No, he can’t, he’s a pig
Look ouuut!
He’s a Spider-Pig

I am now struggling with extreme self-loathing. Stupid catchy stupid song.

~ But …. there’s also The CHA CHA CHA Song, which The Banshee left on our answering machine today, singing — actually, YELLING — in her funny, raspy voice:

HAPPY BIRRRTHDAY TO YOU
CHA CHA CHA!
HAPPY BIRRRTHDAY TO YOU
CHA CHA CHA!
HAPPY BIRRRTHDAY, DEAR TEE TEE
CHA CHA CHAAAA!
HAPPY BIRRRTHDAY TO YOU
CHA CHA CHAAAAAA!

The Cha-cha-cha’s are the key to the whole thing here. She literally yelled them as if she we’re yelling, “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!” so I was crying with laughter and kept replaying it, marveling, too, at her mastery of the cha-cha-cha rhythm. The maracas were the only thing missing. And there was no prompting from Banshee Mom in the background; she was nowhere to be heard. It was as if The Banshee simply picked up the phone, dialed Tee Tee, and started in with all the yell-singing.

~ After the movie, meandering around the mall:

“So, what’s up with old men’s pants? Is it because men keep shrinking and so the pants just go higher and higher?”

“Could be.”

“Okay, then. Let’s set aside one pair of your pants now and when you’re 83 and shriveled, you can put them on and we’ll see if they hit your nipples.”

“Oh, you mean once my entire body is scr*tum?”

“Hahahahaha. Yes.”

“Okay.”

~ Birthday phone call with my dad:

“Happy birthday!”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“Are you having a good day?”

“Yeah. It’s been pretty mellow, nice.”

A pause. My dad is sometimes like a little kid about things.

“So I had my colonoscopy today!”

“Oh. Um … oh.”

“Yeah. It was pretty interesting.”

He describes it at length. And isn’t that nice?

“Dad, you’re the only person I’ve ever heard describe THAT as interesting.”

“Yeah, and I’m all clear!”

“Well, good!”

“Yep.”

Another pause. I start laughing.

“Well, uh …. thanks for the birthday call, Dad.”

Now he’s laughing.

“Sure.”

“I mean, thanks for the perspective.”

He is literally giggling with glee about telling me this. He cracks himself up and I am always helpless against the power of my father’s self-crack-ups.

So we hang up, both laughing.

~ Birthday food: Chorizo and cheese steamers made on the espresso machine at Brockton Villa make me cry with joy. They’re light and fluffy and make me truly believe that the secret ingredient is love.

~ Oh, and you should all be aware that apple crostini with caramel custard sauce is an acceptable substitute for birthday cake.

~ And since it’s my birthday, I don’t even have to roll my chorizo butt to bed after all this. MB gets to do it! Up the stairs! Haha. Good luck, Peaches!

brief thoughts on “harry potter and the deathly hallows”

SPOILERS! SERIOUS SPOILERS!!

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE GOING TO READ THE BOOK!! CLICK AWAY NOW!! DOOOOOOO IT!!

IF YOU STILL HAVEN’T DONE THAT, THEN HERE IS A BARRIER BETWEEN THESE WARNINGS AND MY ACTUAL WORDS TO GIVE YOU SOME SPACE TO TAKE YOUR EYES AWAY — AWAAAY!!

*********************
*********************
*********************
*********************
*********************
*********************
*********************
*********************
*********************

Okay. I’m not going to get into a lengthy review of the book, really. I’m gonna talk about the ending.

I haven’t read any reviews of the book, online or otherwise, so this is all meeee.

First, let me say that I’m a big Harry Potter fan. Not the biggest, I’m sure. Not rabid or crazed. Not walking around at this weekend’s SD freak show, International Comic-Con, dressed up as, say, Mad-Eye Moody or something.

No. Just someone who loved the books, allowed herself to be swept up in that whole world, and who really looked forward — really looked forward — to each new book. In a completely normal, non-obsessed way, of course.

So I kind of hate that I may be about to rain on the Potter parade here, but I finished the book late yesterday, fell into a deep daze from all the late-night reading, and then, later ….. I got to thinkin’, you know.

OH, AND — IF YOU’RE STILL READING THIS POST AND PLAN ON READING THE BOOK, UM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? I LITERALLY CANNOT HELP YOU ANYMORE. THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU.

Okay. Here goes. Here’s the thing:

The ending really disappointed me. Actually, kind of annoyed me. And maybe I will now have my soul sucked out by rattly-breathed Dementors or be killed by evil Death Eaters for uttering this, but there it is.

“So, why, Tracey? What is your problem? I thought I liked you. Why so negative? You suck, we’re through, etc.”

The “Nineteen Years Later” epilogue? Ugh. Yuck. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Okay.

I see, at the heart of Harry Potter, a tale of self-sacrifice. Harry himself wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for his mother’s self-sacrifice, throwing herself in front of the curse directed at him. As the series progressed and Harry grew into a courageous young man willing to risk for those he loved, I felt certain that the theme of self-sacrifice would come full circle. So in all honesty, as I read the last book, I was prepared for Harry to die. I thought, “Well, I’ll be sad, but it just seems right.” It all started with a sacrifice. It seemed — to me — that it should end with one. There was even Harry’s own realization, own admission, as he trudged through The Forbidden Forest to meet Voldemort that “This must end. I must die.”

So I was bracing for it.

And then — he lived.

And after the encounter with Voldemort in the forest, there was a verrry long roundy-round explanation from Dumbledore in the weird empty hall as to what was going on, why Harry wasn’t dead yet, etc. It felt like J.K. Rowling had been ready to kill Harry — to have him sacrifice himself — and then she backed out, couldn’t do it. Maybe I was too tired when I read it or something. Maybe if I read it again, I’d feel differently, but I don’t think so, really. I mean, I think once any reader gets to that scene between Harry and Dumbledore, they know that Harry will be safe. And you keep knowing it and knowing it and knowing it because, again, that scene is pretty long. It was almost like I could feel Rowling furiously writing herself out of that desperate deadly corner.

So when the second encounter with Voldemort occurs, it’s almost anti-climactic. “Oh, wonder what’s gonna happen here, hm …… oh, Voldemort’s dead; Harry’s fine. Cheers all around and whatnot.”

I guess the whole thing felt rather pat to me, a little too neatly wrapped up. I mean, she threw in some deaths along the way, but none of them really choked me up much because I’m basically heartless — okay, Dobby got me the most, actually — but they just felt like deaths thrown at us to give us DEATH so she wouldn’t have to sacrifice Harry.

Or maybe I’m just a crankypants.

And in the end, for me, Severus Snape emerges as the truly heroic one: Spending all those years living dangerously undercover. Spying for Dumbledore. Protecting Harry not for Harry’s sake but all for the love of Lily. And doing all this without, it seems, much magical assistance.

Although, this could all be coming from the very clouded depths of my little I Heart Alan Rickman soul. There’s always that.

Let’s just say it’s not that, okay?

Right. Proceed, Tracey.

Harry, on the other hand, has lots of help. Alway does. He’s able to kill Voldemort because he’s master of the Elder Wand. But only because he wrests a wand from Draco Malfoy, who is briefly the unknowing master of the Elder Wand — and only then because of the curious, random crashing of the chandelier (Dobby??) at Malfoy Manor that causes Draco to double over to protect himself from the flying shards of glass. Phheew. So Harry, assisted by a crashing chandelier, disarms Draco and in so doing, becomes master of the Elder Wand which means he can ultimately kill Voldemort. Which you know already if you read the book. I’m just saying there’s always lots of help for Harry.

But who’s there helping Snape? Dumbledore?? Doesn’t really look like it. Not that I’m down on Dumbledore or anything. I love Dumbledore, although he’s a much more ambiguous figure throughout much of this book. But I feel oddly moved by Snape’s plight. His complexities. His loves and hates. I see much more to him than I ever imagined. Even after the last book, I felt fairly certain that Snape wasn’t all bad. But he isn’t all good, either. And I like that. I think, now that all is said and done, he may actually be the most compelling character in the series for me. And, if you look closely at it, isn’t what Snape did actually more sacrificial and more heroic than what Harry did? I mean, what was in it for him at the end? He suffered an ignominius death at Voldemort’s hands. Or really, Nagini’s, er, hands. Defintely not the cheering crowd that Harry got. And it was all because of Lily. Because of his love for Lily. Snape’s allegiance initially was to Voldemort, but he agreed to protect Harry, to secretly work against Voldemort, to look after the son of the man he hated, the man who mistreated him, all for love of a dead woman. His life’s best friend. And I think at the moment of his death, when Snape is murmuring, “Look at me, look at me” to Harry, he’s saying it because he wants Lily’s eyes to be the last thing he sees on this earth. Maybe not, but that’s just my feeling there, the way I choose to see it. But, in the end, who really ends up knowing how truly heroic Snape was? Who? Okay, Harry, Ron, Hermione. Oh, and okay, Harry throws in the name Severus as his kid’s middle name, so I guess we can assume his middle-namesake will know his story. But other than that, does the rest of the wizarding world know the truth? Put that in yer “Nineteen Years Later” epilogue, Richest Woman in Britain!

Speaking of which …..

I was really annoyed by that. That epilogue. But I have a tendency to dislike the “X number of years later” thing as a literary device. It can seem really tacked on and superfluous. And especially here, I felt like Rowling was completely pandering to her audience. Throwing out too much bland information all in the name of a happy ending.

What’s wrong with ending it where the story actually ended? Much as I really didn’t like Harry’s last line of “I’ve had enough troubles for a lifetime” because I thought it really didn’t sound like Harry, I would have much preferred the book to end there. The story arc is over. End it. Respect the story. Respect your reader’s imagination. Respect the reader’s ability to flesh out whatever ongoing saga he or she wants. All those extra details weren’t necessary. It just felt like biographical data to me. It didn’t add anything to the tale of Harry Potter, did it? Not really. Well, maybe for 13-year-old girls who might read it and squeal, “Oooh! Harry marries Ginny!” and “Oooh! Ron marries Hermione! And they all have kids!! Who are all cousins!!” I guess for them, it’s an adolescent girl’s fantasy come true, being happily settled with your high school McDreamy and having your best friends married to each other, too, and having all your kids be friends with each other and “OMG!” “Like, SO perfect!” But I felt condescended to, frankly. Leave something to my, uh, grown-up imagination. Please.

Hm. I am clearly a crankypants. I’m sorry.

All right. As an example here. I think one of the classic book endings of all time is “Gone with the Wind.” We all know it, right? Rhett in the doorway, immune to Scarlett’s pleadings, her declarations of love, saying, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” He vanishes into the grey mists, leaving Scarlett sobbing on the stairs. But moments later, she raises her head, determined, “I won’t think of that now. I’ll think about that tomorrow. I’ll think of some way to get him back. After all, tomorrow is another day.”

Typical Scarlett. “I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

Scarlett’s mantra through the whole book, actually. She’s true to her nature to the very end, which I didn’t think Harry was with his last line — in the actual story. For me, Harry suddenly sounded like a grizzled 80-year-old man complaining, “I’ve had enough troubles for a lifetime. And my sciatica is acting up.” It just kinda clanged for me. Didn’t sound like Harry.

And what’s wrong with some questions unanswered at the end of a book? I’m not talking about plot points left dangling or glaring omissions. I’m talking about mystery. Things left unsaid, unknown. Things left to the reader’s imagination. What’s wrong with wondering, for instance, if Scarlett gets Rhett back? What’s wrong with imagining a million different scenarios on your own? What’s wrong with filling in some blanks yourself and enjoying it?

What’s wrong with all that?

As I read the epilogue, it actually felt like my eyes were rebelling, “No. No. No, no, no.” I was happy to leave Harry where he was, as the 80-year-old man moaning about his troubles. I personally didn’t need to see almost-middle-aged Harry clucking over his kids. I didn’t need to see everyone perfectly paired up like the end of a Broadway musical. And I certainly didn’t need to find out –later, online — that J. K. Rowling has fleshed out the epilogue even more. And I didn’t need to click on the link to READ it. Dummy. But the information is there for anyone who cares to read about what middle-aged Harry — The Boy Who Lived, the boy who killed Voldemort and saved the wizarding world — does for a living now, er, Nineteen Years Later. I’m not giving the info here. Go find it yourself if you want. But when I read that — dummy! — I felt as if Harry had been castrated. If Harry’s gonna live, which he clearly did, shouldn’t he be great, given his history, his achievements? It’s like having Batman give up the cape to be an IRS agent. I just — I don’t know — hated to read about mundane Harry. Normal Harry. For a kid who clearly wasn’t normal. My own scenarios of Harry’s future would have been quite different. But we weren’t really given the chance to imagine those. It’s been forever shaped for us.

Reading that epilogue, I couldn’t help but get a very “Harry Potter: The Next Generation” vibe. Look at all the characters she referenced in just that one chapter. Potter kids. Weasley kids. Malfoy kid. Lupin kid. I mean, give a character a big ol’ name like Albus Severus and kiddos everywhere will be clamoring for more about him. And speaking of the Lupin kid, what’s with him? Teddy Lupin. I mean, what was with Tonks’ pregnancy anyway? She and Lupin were both killed off, so why make her pregnant in the first place? Why make an orphan? I thought that whole scene with Harry where Lupin freaks out about her pregnancy was just weird. Another kinda clangy moment for me. Like, um, what are you talking about, Lupin? Calm down. What do you want Harry to do about it? You’re weird. You’re a werewolf. And you’re having a baby. So you’re lucky, you little freak. Please calm thyself. I dunno. It just seemed completely tangential to everything, basically. Out of place. I mean, so we have an unwanted pregnancy and threatened parental abandonment. Wonder what all the kiddos thought about that. I’ll have to ask my 12-year-old nephew his thoughts.

Okay. I said “brief thoughts” in the title. Clearly, that is a misnomer.

I sound like I’m bitter and I’m really not. I liked the book, overallish. These things didn’t work for me — uh, obviously — and since they’re at the end, they’re stuck in my head right now. A final impression, I guess. And I do think a lot of readers will be relieved that Harry lived and that he finds happiness. I just felt like the books — especially the later books — were growing darker, slanting a different way. I expected, and maybe even hoped for, something else. Something that matched the shifting tone.

On an unrelated note: What the heck was UP with that raw little lump writhing on the floor in the Harry/Dumbledore scene? Rowling never says who or what that is. Are we supposed to think it’s a soon-to-be-dead Voldemort? Is it evil itself? Is it a chihuahua? WHAT?? Thoughts on that, anyone?

Phhew. I’m tuckered out from all this rambling.

All right. I’m ready. Lemme have it.

But don’t hit too hard. It’s me birthday tomorry. Harry Potter’s, too.

Happy Birthday, Harry Potter! Sorry you got castrated!

i have thoughts

Just a few thoughts — on “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” which I finished yesterday. I will be posting them sometime tomorrow, I hope.

So get your clickers ready to CLICK AWAY if you haven’t read the book yet. There will be MAJOR spoilers.

i am not responsible, okay?

American Idol is holding auditions in San Diego tomorrow, July 30th, at Qualcomm Stadium. Apparently, it’s the first audition city for the upcoming season and the only West Coast location.

I feel sorta queasy about this, really. I’m actually afraid to see what my fellow San Diegans might do in front of Randy and Simon and Poorla. I mean, I already don’t like living here. This could very well be the last straw.

And — also — how many Boheme or Beanhouse customers am I gonna see making complete idiots of themselves in front of Simon? I can’t help but wonder.

With a little shiver.