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ai

That Nosferatu dude is freaking me out.

phil_stacey.jpg

He looks somewhat less Nosferatuey in this photo because his baldness is hidden underneath gammie’s afghan there. His baldness is always hidden lately because of the obvious Nosferatu gleam and pale whenever his skull is exposed. So tonight he wore a Gilligan hat and sang some schmaltzy LeeAnn Rimes song and Simon’s critique was: “I just didn’t get it tonight. You’re up there with your big hat and your weird eyes and I just didn’t get it.”

Randy interrupted, “Dude! He can’t change his eyes.”

Simon just said, “Well, whatever. They were weird.”

Plus, his name is Phil. I’m sorry. You can’t be the American Idol and be named Phil.

Phhil.

Phil Nosferatu.

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and in between there was

Oh, and in between all our busy raging, how did we even find time for:

Boheme and its water heater leak and espresso machine leak and water line leak and screwed-up coffee delivery and “oh, we brought you the wrong brewer, sorry” episode and opening day which was supposed to be the 1st and then today, but certainly won’t be now and, of course, all the people coming by in the midst of the horror, saying, “When? When? When? When? When???”

LOOK.

I am a little behind schedule. Days, really — not weeks, not months, just DAYS — behind schedule, Demandos.

PLEASE CALM DOWN.

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we were very busy this weekend!

I mean, look:

I raged about ‘Nilla Wafers:

“I hate how they really really need you to know they’re ‘Nilla.”

He raged about, uhm, the homeless:

“I won’t have any smelly ass bums on my patio screaming at the wind!”

We raged against Cameron Diaz:

“I really do NOT like her. I don’t know why.”

“It’s because she just seems kinda diseased.”

I raged against myself:

“I’m like the Canadian coin of people — totally completely useless!”

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whatcha’ doin’?

Me? I’m just sittin’ around, a sleep-deprived nutter, creating an elaborate pantomine to “Rocky Mountain High” and acting it out for MB.

The best part, really, if I do say so myself, is when I sing

Rocky Mountain High, Colorad-ohhh

and I make a “C” with my hand and then an “O” on ohhhh.

C-O, Colorado. Sheer genius. Don’t be jealous, now. It’s a gift.

But all did not go swimmingly. If I’m being honest, I did hurt myself when I went all crazy and tried to touch the sun.

Although my hobo joe character on the “I know he’d be a poorer man if he never saw an eagle fly” lyric was truly poignant and the disfiguring burns were quickly forgotten in the sheer swelling joy of that seeing that damn eagle fly.

I wonder: Am I asleep now? Maybe I’m stressed?

I mean, I sent an email out yesterday that was more about persimmons than anything else.

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so, I’m probably going to jail

Okay, peeps. And especially Lisa.

So I got this jury summons about a month or so ago and promptly forgot about it. Everything is just so insane right now, it completely slipped my mind. Actually, it didn’t even register with me. It wasn’t even in my mind long enough to slip out of it.

So … I ran across it yesterday and went ACK! There was a form I was supposed to send back within 5 days of receiving the summons. So clearly, I didn’t. Because of the non-registration in my brain, you see. This is for federal court. Grand Jury or somesuch. Turns out, my jury service is supposed to last for a WHOLE MONTH! You call in every day for a damn month and have to go down and sit in the courthouse for 5 whole days out of that time to see if you’re picked. And if you’re picked for a jury near the end of your service — guess what? — your service is extended!

Oh, and by the way, my jury service starts NEXT WEEK.

Boheme — my new business that I need to be present at, every day — opens NEXT WEEK.

Oh, and the topper: Job-related issues are no excuse. They will not accept them.

Totally different from Superior Court where you’re at least allowed some excuses.

Now, I have not responded, as I said. And the summons, with its 6-page instructions, clearly states that failure to appear will result in:

— A fine of $100 or

— Imprisonment for not more than 3 days (oh, that’s comforting — long enough to become someone’s bee-yotch, I’m sure!!) OR

— BOTH!

So …..

In addition to my overall anxious sleeplessness about Boheme, I’m now totally freaked out about this. I can call, I suppose, and ask for a postponement, but I actually already did that in when I was summoned for this very same jury duty for the entire month of December and was going to be out of town for the holidays. I had no idea back then where my life would be just 2 1/2 months later.

What do I DO? Do I just ignore it and take my chances? I’ve done jury duty before, so I’m not a shirker, but I literally cannot do it now or any time soon. A postponement for a few months down the line won’t do me any good. Doing it now or doing it then would be bad for business, bad for my family, bad for our finances that are still in fragile recovery.

Ack. ACK!!

Advice, please. NOW!

Thank you.

Your potential jailbird friend,

Me