for your health and well-being, part 1

We were in Chiang Mai, Thailand two summers ago. In my box of ephemera and mementos from the trip, I have this tourist magazine with tips on, you know, where to go, what to do, what to see, etc. Helpful, touristy tips. Maps. Shops. It was pretty generic, really, considering it came from Chiang Mai, Thailand. You could probably get something similar if you were visiting Cleveland or Walla Walla. So I was flipping through it the other day, thinking, “Hm. I wonder why I kept this. There’s gotta be something here that’s — ” I flipped the page — “ohhhh. NOW I remember.”

I saved this whole tourist magazine for that one page, right near the back. It’s an illustrated glossary of common ailments, complete with a list of Thai fruits, vegetables, herbs and spices known to have beneficial effects on these particular illnesses. So …. I offer this series, anxious world traveler, to assuage your nerves about ever traveling to Thailand. Travel in peace, knowing that whatever may befall you, the freshness of Thailand is at your service.

For instance, say you become bloated and Buddha-like while in Thailand. Rather than being savvy enough to recognize an obvious opportunity to be worshipped, suddenly, there you are, randomly squatting in front of strangers and passing huge clouds of gas with great hostility. Never fear! Try some Holy Basil! Some Thorny Tree! Some Zingiber Casamasablaaabbbh! That’ll cure what ails ya.

They make no promises, however, to cure your appalling self-control issues or the bitterness that would cause you to use your bloated body as a biological weapon instead of an object for bronzing! And offerings! And adoration!

Oh, you silly.

Seriously, WHAT??