Well, I may try to live blog “AI” tonight anyway. Why not make this blog all-craptacular, all the time? Scoffers can lump it. I know there’s some sort of fracas with Paula Abdul, but I’m not really up on it. But Greg over at What Attitude Problem is. Guess he’s come over to the dark side.
Tonight, two themes/two songs each. Yippee. “Any song from this week’s Billboard charts.” And “Any song by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller”?? (I don’t recognize the names, but maybe I’ll recognize their songs. If they’re not butchered, that is.)
Blonde Harry Potter: “Poison Ivy.” Don’t know it at all. But it is genuinely contagious, in that itchy, creeping, painful sort of way. Dreadful. Gag. It’s musical seppuku. Randy: For me that was very out of tune. Wasn’t amazing for me. Paula: Well, it showed versatility. (Hmm. Singing while dying is not “versatility,” Paula; it’s opera.) Simon: You’re very lucky you’re singing two songs. That was an insipid, amateurish performance. Sorry, Harry Potter. Better go backstage and work yerself a singin’ spell for the next song.
The Domestic Abuser: “On Broadway” Love this song. He’s singing this because Simon said to pack his bags last week, so he’s singing for spite, I guess. Ooh, he’s imploring us to “Get uuuppp!” (Better do it; don’t want to get him riled now.) He’s basically having a singing hissy fit, which doesn’t look good on anyone. I just can’t stands him. Randy: Some bad notes in there. But every week you seem to come up with just enough. Paula: Have you ever hear the word “moxie”? You have moxie. I loved it. (Yes, yes, Paula. The big boxie oxie has lots of moxie. He lumbers onstage and cries, “I roxie!” Just don’t make ‘im mad or he’ll clean your cloxie.) Simon: You’ve had more escapes than Houdini, but, that aside, that was probably your best performance. (Oh, Simon, how could you? I feel so … so … betrayed. Take your too-tight T shirts and go. Just go.)
Vonzell: “Treat Me Nice.” She starts off with a big “Wooo.” I’m not a big “wooo” fan, personally. “Wooo’s” usually make promises they just can’t keep. Song is kind of … I don’t know … sigh …. Big finish, etc. Lots o’ cheers. Randy: I’ve had a great record career , but I’ll say that was one of the best performances of that song. That’s how to win this. (Huh? That entire comment is mush to me. I don’t get it.) Paula: Any musical producer would snap you up to be on Broadway. (Too bad it’s not “Broadway Idol,” Paula. A compliment the girl may not really want to hear.) Simon: Um, Randy, we need to have a chat. Over all, I thought it was a bit of a mess. Childish and cutesy. (My sentiments? Woo.)
Bo: “Stand By Me.” Ahhh, love it. But started waaay off key, I think. Oh, dear, Bo. Find that key. Okay, he does. Can’t say much other than he’s good. Randy: You know what I love ’bout’choo? You know how to pick the right song. (And he referred to “bein’ in da dog pound,” again, as he did last week. So we learn that a place that sucks for dogs is great for “American Idol” wannabes.) Paula: (Well, I don’t know. She talked about colors or something. It was very Pebbles Flintstone. Gaba da bada ga.) Simon: You chose the best song by a mile.
Carrie: “Trouble.” Well, she showed some life for a few seconds and kicked that mic down. Wow. Who needs ol’ Connie? She sounds great, I think, but she just doesn’t inspire. She’s a kind of blank to me. Or an Etch-a-Sketch with a smiley face. Randy: That was a great song choice and you sahhnng it. Paula: You had a blast. (Gada babba ga …. woo.) Simon: Totally agree with Randy. You have to give your fans what they want and that’s what they wanted.
And then …. they all sang again. (Hey, I got tired. And, frankly, bored.)
Best sound bite? Ol’ Scotty saying he likes having a stylist to make him “more appealing to people.”
Hm. You should fire that stylist, duuuude.