Disclaimer: In this post, I refer to a nickname that I conferred upon a total stranger during a weird interlude. I have a habit of doing this with weird interlude strangers because if my husband and I ever speak of the weird interlude again, we can use that name, and the person and incident are instantly recognizable. This is quicker than launching into a lengthy, meandering description to jog the memory such as, “Remember that surly clerk at Target who spoke in a monotone and took 15 minutes to check out our 3 items, then dropped and broke one of them and didn’t call for assistance, but made YOU go back and get a replacement?” Now see, that’s just time consuming. It’s simply easier to say, “Remember Baron von Breakenstein?”
Now, maybe you’re saying, “Wait a minute, Missy MacNickname, is this what Jesus would do?” To which I reply, “Probably not … however, Jesus knows all our names.” (But to myself I sheepishly think, “Actually, I have a certain level of guilt about this habit — that maybe it’s not the most Christ-like thing to do, that maybe I shouldn’t describe that Target guy as ‘Baron von Breakenstein’ but rather, as ‘that guy who was just having a really bad day,’ but that I enjoy doing it, but also, that I should probably give this questionable habit over to the Lord, and that I really will ….. once I’m done with this post.” There. Hollow confession over. On to the actual post:
Okay. I admit it. When I’m out in public, I’m a notorious eavesdropper. (Sadly, another bad habit.) Restaurants are my preferred location for this teensy-weensy social crime because, if you’re lucky, your eavesdropping victims hang around for a while. This past weekend, I struck again during our regular Saturday morning breakfast. (In my defense, my victim was quite loud, begging the question of who, really, was the true victim here?) The four people at the next table were Christians engaged in an energetic discussion about the election. My plans that morning did not originally include eavesdropping. Honestly. I just wanted to eat my waffle. But the conversation was noisily served up to me along with the coffee, so what choice did I have? Clearly, I was forced. Here’s what one of the people — that would be “Princess
Pancake” — said:
“We just kept praying and asking God to BIND SATAN because the early exit polls were showing Kerry in the lead. But at the end of the night, I was just saying, ‘praise God, praise God,’ because the ENEMY WAS BOUND and Bush had won.”
What?! I nearly did a spit-take with my coffee, which, as movies have taught us, most people don’t care for. Still, I sat there, surprised, with my mouth hanging open long enough that my beloved remarked, “Peaches, if you put some food in there, it might close.” (I scowled at him and briefly wondered whether PRE-MEDITATED spousal spit-takes are wrong. The Bible IS silent on that, you know. Ultimately, I chose not to spit-take because, well, I’m lazy and I didn’t want the job of spit-take spot removal. Excellent. I could be both righteous AND practical.)
Back to the overheard comment. What’s going on here? It seems to be either:
a) Bad theology — “Satan is John Kerry voters” … or
b) Bad political ideology — “John Kerry voters are Satan” … or
c) Both of the above
So based on Princess Pancake’s comments and given the outcome of the election, can we now surmise that “Satan” has been bound? Whew … that’s a relief. (Although, inexplicably, I HAVE seen many Kerry voters in my true “blue” neighborhood walking about unfettered. And I could have sworn that when Mr. Kerry gave his concession speech, he was neither chained nor straitjacketed. Hmmm. Maybe it’s binding by “appointment only.” Or maybe their pants just get tighter. I don’t know.) I’m not sure that Christians even know what they mean when they say this, so I imagine that any non-Christians and/or Kerry voters within earshot could certainly feel confused or angered or alienated by it. Or all of the above.
I don’t know about you, but I think notions like Princess Pancake’s are just a wee bit rash and, frankly, dumb. (I’m not saying SHE’S dumb; I think the idea is.) Do we really want to suggest, “I’m in this corner with Bush and God, but you’re in that corner with Kerry and … Satan?!” I hope not. Notions like these help foster our current “red state/ blue state” post-election frenzy. They serve society’s stereotype that Christians are narrow, judgmental, self-satisfied non-thinkers. I know many deeply committed Christians who aren’t conservative Republicans. They don’t consort with minions of the devil. They don’t need to be “bound.” And they aren’t skipping blithely — and “blue”ly — to their ultimate doom.
Shouldn’t the truth of the gospel be the only offense we’re proclaiming?