protein drink tutorial

I’ve gotten back on the protein drink bandwagon, after falling off of it the other night with the, uh, infamous Creepy Eyeball Binge.

I try to do at least one a day — breakfast especially, because otherwise I won’t eat breakfast. And since working at The Beanhouse, I’ve learned some useful information on how to make a killer blended drink. My homemade protein smoothies are now truly scrumpdillyicious.

Now I know some people who just plop that protein powder in a glass of water, stir it up, and gulp it down. My friend K, for instance. These people are made of stronger stuff than I, frankly. Freaks, really. And good for them, but I can’t do that. Nope. Gotta mix mine with ice, blend it up. The whole experience must trick me into believing it involves a frosty-cool shake; otherwise, see ya, protein yuck! If I can taste the health, my palate goes into serious spasm.

So …. I hereby offer my Blended Protein Drink tips to any and all interested peeps.

1) First, make sure your blender’s not a wuss. It doesn’t have to be professional grade or some huge investment, but it needs to able to blend ICE well. This one works fine for me.

2) Next, make sure you start with proper order of ingredients in your blender. (Beanhouse taught me this.) It goes this way:

Liquid
Powder
Ice – crushed ice is best. Only have cube ice? Well, then, just what are those little kiddles for, I’d like to know? Look: a little kid + a big driveway + a bag ‘o’ cubes + a nice, sturdy meat tenderizer = well, an entertaining spectacle, if nothing else. Eh. Their joints are young. But if you end up in the ER with a kid howling and missing an eyeball, you didn’t hear this from me, ‘kay? And no, I did NOT eat your kid’s eyeball. Unless it had caramel inside. Then I did. And yes, I checked.

Now, this order of ingredients will get you the smoothest blend possible with no secret pockets of powder lurking in the depths to gross you out. And I am ALLS about avoiding protein powder gross out. I have perfected this technique precisely BECAUSE I think protein powder IS inherently gross, like so many of the things that are good for you. Like clipping your toenails. Or socializing.

3) Get yourself a decent-tasting protein powder. I’m not going to say “great” or “good,” even, because “good-tasting protein powder” and “great-tasting protein powder” are both oxymorons, frankly. Besides, I always get a vanilla-flavored powder and use it as a base. It is a BASE, people. We will build from there — do not FEAR! Do not flap your arms about in a wild-eyed protein powder panic! You will scare your kiddos and they have a job to do, do they not?? Remain calm. What you start with is NOT what you will end up with! Promise. Now buck up and tell Cubby that Tee Tee needs another bag of crushed ice, spit-spot. Yaaay for you, Cubby! Good job!!

(Oh, I actually use this powder and this one. Both quite decent as BASES. Both have about 23 grams of protein per serving. THAT is good.)

4) All right. Here comes the sugah. The creme. The part where you will loooove me. Before you blend up your “liquid-powder-ice” concoction, you simply MUST doctor it. REMEMBER: IT IS INHERENTLY GROSS OTHERWISE AND I AM ALLS ABOUT SPARING YOU THE GROSS.

So … another thing The ol’ Beanhouse has taught me is the JOY of sugar-free syrups. Lots of added flavor, NO added carbs. We get ours from Monin. BUT, I have bought from Da Vinci for my personal use, simply because they have a wider range of sugar-free flavors available. I think the Monin syrups are thicker — I mean, I use them every day — but the Da Vinci ones are delicious, too. Just listen to some of their flavors: Amaretto. Butterscotch. Creme de Menthe. Dulce de Leche. English Toffee. German Chocolate Cake. Huckleberry. Lemon. That’s just a FEW of ’em. Sounding ungross to you yet? Even good? Dare I say yummy?? And a little goes a looonng way with these syrups, so a 750 ml bottle for 8 bucks should last you for, oh, say about a month if you make one smoothie a day.

So take that syrup, drizzle it in there, and blend it up. You will thank me and say, “Tracey, this is one of the ungrossest things I’ve ever tasted!!” And I will say, “I knoooow!!”

5) But WAIT!! I recently discovered this as an option, too: Jell-o. Sugar-free Jell-o powder. Not completely carb-free like the syrups, but you can pick it up next time you’re at the store, right? Sprinkle a little Jell-o powder straight from the packet into your blender and voila! Instant creamy deliciousness. A few of THEIR sugar-free flavors: Black Cherry. Chocolate. Cranberry. Lemon. (oooh, I love this one — tastes like lemon creme pie!) Orange. (tastes like a Cremesicle!) Peach. Wild Berry. And the rest!!

6) Finally, peeps. A gentle word of caution: Do NOT stop the blending, open the lid slightly, stir things up a bit with a straw, close the lid with the straw in there and resume blending. This will have a negative effect on the taste of your smoothie.

Other than that, happy blending!!