“a kind of annoying and nosy meme, but whatever, I’m bored”

That was Sheila’s name for it anyway. I liked it, so I kept it.

Are you in a relationship? Cut to the chase, eh, Memey? Um, yess, I’m married.

Do you hate more than 3 people? Um, noo. But let’s just say in my life I have determined at least 3 people to be very, very bad people. I wouldn’t call it “hate.” More like, “please, please, you really need to stay very far away from me.”

How many houses have you lived in? Several.

What is your favorite candy bar? I like, um, these Ritter Sport thingies which are not so much candy bars as fancy-wrapped sin. Yummy, creamy sin.

What are your favorite shoes? I like my old black Converse All Stars. I would wear them every day, if I could.

Have you ever tripped someone? Stupid question. I’m tripping you right now in my head just for asking it.

Do you own a Britney Spears CD? No.

Have you ever thrown up in public? Oh, YES. Two years ago. Korean Airlines, flying home from Thailand. I’d been up for about 45 hours straight, which just might have been a contributing factor. Sitting between My Beloved and a little Korean man who spoke no English. I remember I had the aptly named Korean Surprise for lunch and it really seemed okay at the time. Until …… about an hour later, when I started to sweat and swallow a lot and panic because I didn’t think I could make it to the bathroom, but, dammit, I was gonna try because NO WAY was I going to use that airplane barf bag. So I squeezed past snoozing Korean guy, all the while mumbling, “Sorry, sorry, sorry” — which I don’t know if he even understood — sprinted up the aisle, pretty much plowed over a little old lady, also on her way to the bathroom — I was now a sick, crazed monster and it was every Feeble-o for herself, as far as I was concerned. I would make up with Jesus later. Outta my way, gammie! Miraculously, I found an unoccupied lav where I proceeded to be very VERY Surprised for a very VERY long time. Half an hour after that, same scenario, minus plowing over the old lady. Half an hour after THAT, I moved to get up, little Korean guy threw me this look of “Do not even TRY, sweaty gross white girl.” So I started blubbing, of course — those really hot, messy, stinging tears. Barf bag shame was right around the corner and I knew it. I was mere seconds away from shoving my clammy little face into a tiny plastic bag and puking my brains out right there in Seat17B, at 33,000 feet. No way around it now. I grabbed the barf bag, yanked it open, sobbed, hurled, tried to be dainty, failed UTTERLY, and then just sat there, not knowing what to do with this warm, mushy, horrible bag of Korean Surprise-Surprise.

Poke, poke. POKE.

“Honey, honey, what do I do? WHAT DO I DO??”

“Well, you don’t KEEP it, I know that.”

“But, um ….. oh, no. NO! Do I have to get a flight attendant??”

“Uh, probably. Just press the button. They’ll pick it up.”

Easy for you to say, Pukeless Wonder. SO horrible. SO embarrassing. Pushed the button. Beautiful Korean flight attendant magically appeared.

“Yes?”

“Um, well, I have this, uh …. um …. well, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.”

I passed it to her, lofting it over little Korean guy’s head. He cracked an eye open, gazed at the warm bag of mush passing over his head and, I tell you this now: That One Eye hated me with a white hot hate. It stared at me, then slowly closed again. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

My face was sweaty, burning. I wanted to die. The flight attendant took the bag. She took the bag! She TOOK it because it’s her job to TAKE PEOPLE’S PUKE AWAY AT 33,000 FEET! Sweet Lord! She had these long, delicate, manicured fingers that held the bag as lightly as they possibly could. I remember that — her fingers trying hard to look casual, trying hard to look like they weren’t holding barf between their perfect, delicate tips. I gave her my best pukey smile. And I remember The Look on her face in response. The pulled smile, the tight jaw, the glaring eyes. Oh, she hated me. With both eyes, she hated me. She hates me to this day, I’m sure. I do not blame her.

Name something that’s always on your mind? Whether little Korean guy actually hated me with both eyes? Oh, I don’t know, Memey. Check out my recent whiny post, mmkay?

What is your favorite music genre? I don’t know. I’m multigenre-al.

What is your sign? Leo.

What time were you born? Early morning.

Do you like beer? I don’t hate it.

Have you ever made a prank call? Sure.

What is the most embarrassing CD you own? Embarrassing to whom?

Are you sarcastic? You don’t even know me, do you, Memey?

What are your favorite colors? I like red.

How many watches do you own? I don’t wear a watch. I’m livin’ on the edge, baby.

Summer or winter? Winter, please. Where it’s 70 degrees instead of 100. I think summer only exists to teach us long-suffering and to give dermatologists a job.

Spring or fall? Fall, thank you. Fall, fall, ALL THE TIME!

What is your favorite color to wear? Well, I wear a lot of black. Um, easier to say I don’t like to wear beige or grey. Not good colors on me.

Pepsi or Sprite? Blech and blech.

What color is your cell phone? Hm. What is this “cell phone” you speak of?

Where is your second home? Well, I’m hoping it’s not a refrigerator box in the canyon.

Have you ever slapped someone? Umm …. yes, I think. And if I haven’t, I really need to get ON that.

Have you ever had a cavity? No.

How many lamps are in your bedroom? Two.

How many video games do you own? Hm. What are these “video games” you speak of?

What was your first pet? Chew-Chew, a beagle we owned for about a week until it had had quite enough of my brother and bit him real good. So long, Chew-Chew! I’ll always love you for that!

Have you ever had braces? No. A retainer I once threw out with my sack lunch in junior high.

Do looks matter? Well, they don’t NOT matter. You know what I mean. Oh, leave me alone.

Do you use chapstick? Sure.

Name 3 teachers from your high school: No.

American Eagle or Abercrombie? Well, I don’t like Abercrombie, so let’s go with the Eagle one.

Are you too forgiving? YES!! It is a terrible flaw. Hahahahahahahaha!!

Do you own something from Hot Topic? Um, I have no idea. If I do, I know it’s not a watch.

What is your favorite breakfast? Bacon, eggs, pancakes, the whole “I’m a burly farmer” fare.

Do you own a gun? Yes. Just a wee thing. Gift from my GIANT pops-in-law.

Have you ever thought you were in love? That is a retarded question.

When was the last time you cried? Jeez. This morning, okay??

What did you do 3 nights ago? Memey, you are overly interested in my life. Are you a dirty old man named Jim, by any chance?

When was the last time you went to Olive Garden? Like, 10 years ago.

Have you ever called your teacher mom? No!

Have you ever been in a castle? Does Sleeping Beauty’s Castle count?

What are your nicknames? Family nickname, Tray. Also called Trace, Tracers.

Do you know anyone named Bertha? Yes. And she’s a rather vexing woman. She can’t help it — she’s named BERTHA, for God’s sake!

Have you ever been to Hawaii? No.

Do you own something from Banana Republic? I own things from The Gap — it’s all part of the same megalomerate, isn’t it?

Are you thinking about somebody right now? Well, NOW I’m thinking about certain Korean people who might hate me and that Bertha dame who drives me crazy. Okay??

Have you ever called someone Boo? No, no, NO.

Do you own a diamond ring? No, my engagement ring was not a diamond.

Are you happy with your life right now? I am happy to have My Beloved. That is all that matters right now. But one must always remember thaa-a-a-t THE SUN’LL COME OUT — TO-MORROW! Betcher bottom dollar that TO-MORRRROWWW — and tomorrow and tomorrow … creeps in this petty pace from day to day ….. to the last syllable of recorded time … and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death …. bladda bladda bladda … with the strutting and the fretting and the sound and the fury …. signifying nothing.

Does anyone like you? Like? What is this “like” you speak of? No, no one likes me. Ask anyone.

What were you doing May of 1994? Teaching English to dummies.

McDonald’s or Wendy’s? Wendy’s has good fries. And those frosty thingies. Not that I’ve ever had them or anything.

Do you like yourself? Well, someone HAS to. But, no.

Favorite feature of the opposite sex? Eyes, hands, humor. Okay, that’s three. Whatevs.

Are you afraid of the dark? No. Mostly no.

Have you ever eaten paste? No. Potato bugs are tasty, though.

Do you have a webcam? Eh??

Have you ever stripped? Why, just moments ago, I stripped in my bedroom in front of the open window. I’m sure my gay neighbor was thrilled.

Diamonds or pearls? Honestly, I don’t really care.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema? My last film at the cinemahh was, um ….. oh, “Little Miss Sunshine”!! I was literally CRYING with laughter at the end of it. I so needed that film. I need to do a post about that film! It just felt like a gift to me right now.

What are your favorite TV shows? Right now, I like “Prison Break,” actually.

What did you have for breakfast? Nuttin.’

What is your middle name? It’s not Bertha. Won’t put it here, Memey. TMI. But I actually like it better than my first name. Tracey is a kinda silly name.

What is your favorite cuisine? Asian.

What foods do you dislike? Water chestnuts. What is the point? To me, they are just little white food frisbees.

What is your favorite CD at the moment? I’m obsessed with a compilation CD of the Jackson 5, actually.

What kind of car do you drive? Black.

Favorite sandwich? If you put a little avocado and some alfalfa sprouts on it, then THAT’S my favorite sammie.

What characteristics do you despise? Unwillingness to admit wrong or apologize. Number 1, hands down.

What are your favorite clothes? I like my jeans.

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Right now, I’d like to go to Wales, explore my family roots kinda thing.

What color is your bathroom? We have these caramelly colored towels and a flagstone floor — so “caramel flagstone,” I guess. Yum.

Favorite brand of clothing? Oh, please. I don’t know.

Where would you want to retire to? I would like to retire to the bedroom for more crying and/or stripping!

Favorite time of day? Dusk.

Where were you born? Who cares? I’m here now, aren’t I? (And cranky, too!)

Favorite sport to watch? Football.

Are you a morning person or night owl? I am weirdly ashamed that I am a night owl.

What did you want to be when you were little? I hate you, Memey, with both eyes. I wanted to be a mom, okay?

What is your best childhood memory? When Chew-Chew bit my brother’s ear. No? Okay. Um, Christmases were pretty good.

Eye Color? Blue-grey.

Ever been toilet papering? No, silly. How wasteful. For shame.

Favorite day of the week? Sunday’s good.

Feel free to share, peeps.