“celebrity duets”

Did anybody see this?

Um, Simon Cowell? Are those T-shirts just getting way too tight? Are you becoming impaired from Spandex? Suffering from woosy-ness? Because this show — your new show — just SUCKED.

And I’m writing this in the past tense, even though I’m writing this AS I’m watching it.

Here’s the dealio:

It’s basically “Dancing with the Stars” with singing.

A group of B-list celebrities — Lea Thompson, Lucy Lawless, Alfonso Ribero, some “Queer Eye” guy and the rest — are paired up with a group of singers who each must have their own perfectly good reasons for choosing professional suicide — Randy Travis, Michael Bolton, Peter freakin’ Frampton, and GLADYS what-is-she-doing KNIGHT — to sing “duets” and be judged and then voted off one by one. You know, the basics.

Judges are Marie Osmond, LITTLE RICHARD, and producer David Foster.

Here’s my take on why this sucks:

1) It just does.

2) But, to be more specific. Look, on “Dancing with the Stars,” a show I actually like, a show that’s actually fun, celebrities are paired up for the duration with a professional dancer. Not so here. They’ll be “mixed up” every week. So, where’s the chance to really grow attached, to root for your favorite “pair”? Huge mistake, in my opinion. You’re robbing the audience of what is key in these kinds of shows — the emotional attachment to your favorites.

3) The B-list celebrity comes onstage by him/herself and starts the duet alone. You don’t even know who they’re paired with until that cheesy moment about 30 seconds into the song when B-list HAS to pause to announce her singer/partner, like, “Mr. Peter Frampton, everybody,” and then out slinks the singer with a definite “Holy God in heaven, what have I done?” look on his face to vocally wrassle a dying bear to the ground without being mauled himself.

Remember Timothy Treadwell, dudes. You are treading where humans should not tread.

4) At the end of the song, singer is asked, “So, how do you think (uh, gymnast) Carly Patterson did in rehearsals this week?” And of course, the singer, who’s just ruined his life by singing with gymnast Carly Patterson and will be comitting seppuku later, HAS to say, “Ohhh, she was great. Really focused,” or some other inanity, rather than being able to freely say:

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

(*gasp*)

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”

5) They offer up this lame little compliment at the end of a lame little song because the cameras don’t follow the singer and B-list into rehearsals and allow us to see what REALLY went on. We don’t see them working, struggling. We don’t see the creative process. We don’t see the WORK, like we do in “Dancing with the Stars.” It’s a ripoff and a cheat. And it’s alienating. People aren’t going to care because there’s no engagement, other than those stomach-churning moments when we watch them sing together, bobbing and weaving on their separate sides of the stage, both fighting for dominance.

We never see them have to work TOGETHER. We never see relationships, either developing or crashing. And then there’s Tutti Frutti Little Richard trying to be the guy who brings da pimp hand? No. No.

Mistake, Simon. “I have to say, it was absolutely dreadful.”

Oh, and by the way?

6) Lea Thompson just choked out a real teetery cliffhanger, rather like this: A~A~A~A~A~A~C~K~K~!~!

But perhaps most egregiously ….

7) Michael Bolton

Now …. just watch. It’ll be a HUGE hit.