I can still remember my mom sitting at our kitchen table, sighing loudly over the stacks of English papers she had to grade. “What’s wrong, Mom?” I’d ask. And she’d roll her eyes, pull out a paper, and read the latest literary atrocity committed by one of her students. I remember one in particular, where the student was supposed to use vocabulary words in a brief paragraph story. (Vocab words in italics here.)
So the kid wrote:
“Today is our anniversary. We have been spliced for 7 years. I am making my wife a breakfast of toast, orange juice, and scrambled ova.”
There was more to it that I don’t remember, but I do remember he did NOT get an A.
So check some more gems I found, from the brilliant pens of our future leaders and felons:
> While researching my topic, I have been able to swim in a pool of my own opinion.
> Gaining weight doesn’t happen overnight, but if you keep eating junk food constantly, then you are playing right into the government’s hands.
> Schlink illustrates his thoughts about illiteracy by showing the paradox of the juxtaposition-related issues of secrets in a relationship and illiteracy.
> Mimi had stage freight.
> Throughout history, breasts have been in and out of fashion.
> The 60’s had a lot of unexpected and tragic events such as the Woodstock Music Festival and World War II.
> They lie and tell us… that they love us, but it was all about getting into our panties.
> (His) words cut me deep, like salt on a womb.
> Adults still believe that youth are violet and bad.
> Capital punishment insures peace of mind.
> Most people look to the bald eagle for guidance.
> It can be a way to pay back African-Americans without actually paying them back.
*****
From a history paper on Anne Hutchinson…
“I’m not sure if she was a slut or what, but she had 14 children…it seems like she really got around.”
*****
I have two or three students who have shared new ideas in my American Lit. class and I thought I would pass the information along:
* Gwendolyn Brooks’ poem “the mother” is not a good poem because killing babies is wrong.
* William Faulkner’s “Barn Burning” is not a good story because you shouldn’t hit your children.
* Hemingway is a bad writer because he yells at his wife in “The Snows of Kilimanjaro.”
* Whitman is gay, and this is why we shouldn’t read him. And Emily Dickinson might be a lesbian. And Adrienne Rich doesn’t like men at all. And there are naked pictures of Allen Ginsberg with another man on the internet.
* Kate Chopin must be “one of those feminists.”
* T. S. Eliot is stupid.
* Flannery O’Connor can’t be a Christian writer because her stories don’t have happy endings.
* Black writers in the Harlem Renaissance seem angry for some reason.
Shiver me timbers, people. Shiver me timbers.
Oh, when I was a TA in grad school, there was a departmental humor “magazine” (well, it came out once a year). We saved up all our crazy student-stories for the whole year and then put them (names left off to protect the innocent/clueless) together.
I was editor for a couple years. It was fun.
I remember one in particular: an class was doing demography and they were looking at the demographic patterns for a town in New Zealand as compared to a similar sized town in the U.S. (the data were from like 1870).
The student said something like, “The New Zealanders didn’t live as long because they were ex-convicts who drank, stole, and never paid for sex because they took all they wanted.”
the TA’s comment (it wasn’t me) was, “This claim needs to be backed up by a reference.”
But yeah, I still get strange sentences or strange comments. More often these days they’re just baffling rather than funny, and when people use “Text-Message Speak” on formal written class papers, it just makes me want to tear my hair out. You are not The Artist Formerly And Now Once Again Known As Prince! You have not earned the right to use “4” instead of “for” and “U” instead of “you”!
Your Mom’s an English teacher too?!
…THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG WITH US!!!!!!!!!!!!
They “seem angry for some reason”???? Oh man. What reason on earth could they POSSIBLY have to “seem angry”??
Full disclosure time: I think I started a blog so that I could swim in the pool of my own opinion on a daily basis.
ricki — /This claim needs to be backed up by a reference./
I love that.
WG — Yup. Not anymore though.
red — Yes. And some people can come to the pool party and some people must be drowned.
Oh, and I totally look to the bald eagle for guidance ….
Capital punishment insures peace of mind.
Must be a communist.
“Flannery O’Connor can’t be a Christian writer because her stories don’t have happy endings.”
Joey? Is that you?
Oh, Sal, let’s hope not! 😉 Eeek!
I’m sure I could not handle teaching. Not all day. Not five days a week. Not other peoples… kids.