She and I rarely talked about it. Years went by before I even owned there was a problem. When I finally did, I stood in the kitchen and she sat at the table, the wide expanse of counter between us. There’s always a wide expanse of something between us. I spoke haltingly, hoping not to cry too much, and in less than a minute, I’d said what I needed to say. She sat there, didn’t move.
Why didn’t you say something sooner?
I don’t know. I was waiting for the right time, I guess.
Well, you always used to be able to tell me things.
Hm.
Oh, you don’t think you can tell me things?
Some things.
But not this?
I’ve told you this. Now you know.
If that’s what you want to call it. I just want to help. I’m your mother.
Do you know how you could help?
How?
Well, maybe you could pray with me. I mean, when we’re together like this, maybe we could pray.
No. No. I can’t do that. I pray by myself in my own way. I just can’t do that.
Okay. Well, you wanted to know how you could help.
Well, I can’t do that.
Okay ….. I gotta go, then.
Well, wait a minute.
She got up, moved toward me. She patted my back.
Let yourself feel bad for a couple of days and then just move on.
Mm-hmm. Well …. see you later, Mom.
Okay, not to sound too… whatever, but I’m totally digging this vibe.
I’ve been through A LOT in the last two weeks (HA! The last 30 YEARS!) and now I’m on the verge of either sitting down and giving up or REALLY accomplishing something and moving on stronger and better than I ever thought I could.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do because it all goes back to my parents, specifically my mother. I have had to re-evaluate every single stage of my life differently. And lots of crap is coming up to the surface that I thought was dead. And I can’t talk to her about it. I repeat — CAN’T. Not no way. Not no how.
So there’s someone in your camp on this one. Major. You’re in my prayers. I’ll remember you while I’m working through my stuff.
Funny how people feel like they’re all alone when really, everyone has things like this they have to deal with. I take it one step further though — I feel like I’m entitled to feel like I’m all alone! HA! LOL! 🙂
((((((Tracey))))))
You have such a way with words, my heart aches like I’m right there in your shoes. I am so sorry.
Not to take away from your pain and feelings in the story, AT ALL. BUT.
You are so very strong. I couldn’t have that type of conversation with my mother. You OWN your feelings. And what she says doesn’t take away from that.
I covet your strength. Especially when it comes to mother/daughter relationships. Because they are really so very complex, eh?
I agree with ASM, there are some conversations I just couldn’t have with my mom.
It’s amazing that you had both the strength to have that conversation and to share it with us.