Can I just throw a question out there?
Uh, is weight loss really something you should have to mention to other people? I mean, after a certain amount of weight loss, shouldn’t it be, you know, noticeable?
The background:
About 3 years ago, I started working out hard on my cool new mini trampoline. Not the kind you buy at Sports Authority with the cheap short coils, but a top-of-the-line smaller one with long coils for a good deep bounce. MB bought it for me for my birthday because he’d seen me visiting their website and pining away for it for quite a while. I’ve always loved working out this way because it seems more like fun and less like work.
Anyhow, I lost weight, right? Like, oh, about 20 pounds. I’m at my “appropriate” weight now — or whatever. I’m in good shape these days because I’ve worked hard at it and I’ve stuck to the regimen. This has been 3 years now. (Somewhat shockingly, the boobins did not decrease. I’m really starting to think they’re fake. Like at some point, I was drugged and woke up in a tub in Vegas — not with a kidney missing — but with big fake boobs and that I just have amnesia about the whole ordeal.)
MB’s family comments on it every time they see me. (The weight loss, not the boobs.) They make a fuss about me and it every time, which is nice. (Again, the weight loss, not the boobs.) They say something nice like, “Oh, you look great! Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it.” So it validates to me that it IS noticeable and that all that work/bouncing “ain’t been in vain for nothin'” — to quote Lena Lamont (Singin’ in the Rain).
But here’s what’s odd to me:
No one in my family has ever said a word about it. Not a word. Nothing. In 3 years.
A few weeks ago, we were at my brother’s house and at one point in a conversation with my SIL, I briefly mentioned “losing weight.” (She is a workout FIEND, that one.) She looked surprised and said, “Oh! How much have you lost?”
“Uh …… about 20 pounds?”
“Oh! When did that happen?”
Long pause.
“Uhm …….. about 3 years ago,” I said drily.
“Oh.”
“Oh”? “OH”?? Really? That’s it? “Oh”????
Now, again, it’s been like this for 3 years, but somehow this little exchange sent me into a long-expected but long-delayed tailspin. I ranted about it the whole way home to MB, who quietly contemplated suicide.
I raved about it again at bedtime, in bed, and the next morning while MB methodically loaded his gun.
But, seriously, shouldn’t weight loss of 20 pounds be noticeable and …. well, comment worthy?
Or is it unfair to expect comment on something like that? I mean, maybe it is. I don’t know. My family dynamics are a bit odd, I think, so I don’t know what “normal” is. It seems more “normal” to me that MB’s family has commented but maybe commenting makes them unusual. On the other hand, my girlfriends have commented, but not my mom or my sister or my SIL.
So, really, what’s normal here, pippa?
Now I didn’t lose the weight so people would comment. I lost it for various personal reasons that most people have for losing weight. Nevertheless, it seems normal to at least think that people might comment, not that you do it for that, but that that is an outgrowth of your efforts — people who know you/love you commenting on your efforts.
Am I wrong?
Again, what’s normal here?
I actually don’t know, so please explain normal to me.
I’m not sure what’s normal (my family generally only comments on negative things, FWIW) but the problem with mentioning an improvement is that it implies a previous need for improvement. And that is better left unsaid.
I think some people feel like it’s rude to comment on someone’s weight, even if it’s seemingly positive (I usually like to say, non-specifically, “Wow, you are looking really great” or something). Not all weight loss is intentional (like from an illness) so if someone does comment the person might feel bad because they know they are likely to gain it back. Another problem – commenting on someone’s weight can trigger someone who has dealt with eating disorders.
So basically, if you know the person well (obviously your family does) and know they have been exercising to lose weight, I think it’s okay to give them encouragement and let them know their efforts show. If you don’t know the person very well, it’s better to keep any compliments sans weight observations. I don’t think that answers your question about “normal,” but that’s how I think it should be in a semi-perfect world.
I’ve frequently encountered the notion that commenting on the weight loss is rude unless the person who lost the weight brings it up. Like Brenda was saying– there’s a risk that by commenting on it you’re saying someone didn’t look good before– sort of like the “You look so nice today!” thing.
Still, I like to tell people they look fabulous if it’s clear they’ve worked hard to get fit. I think it’s friendly, nice, whatever, to give people props for their hard work.
I don’t know. Some people really don’t notice shifts. My old boss saw me at one size, then after I left to work somewhere else and lost 30 lbs, she said I looked great, but then when she saw me again, after the pregnancy, I weighed 40 lbs more than the last time she saw me, and she said something about how it’s great I didn’t put on weight like a mutual friend of ours did.
???
Other people in my family have made similarly out-of-touch comments, so– maybe they don’t see it.
Or maybe they’re jealous of you, and don’t want to say anything nice.
Congratulations, though. A trampoline sounds awesome! I was thinking of learning to hula hoop for the same reason…
First off–awesome accomplishment, Tracey!
As someone who was overweight for most of her life (now working to get about 10 lbs. or so back down again thanks to diverticulitis), commenting is a double-edged sword. What I mean is, if someone says, “Hey, you lost weight–you look great now,” well then doesn’t that imply that there was something unacceptable about the way you looked before?
My favorite backhanded compliment the first Christmas after I reached a healthy weight was, “You and your sister look so much more alike now.” (My sister was one of those kids who lived on chicken nuggets, mac & cheese, and frozen pizza, and was stick thin.) So I didn’t exactly enjoy the compliment.
I’m just throwing that out there, so people can feel free to disagree.
Brenda, roo, Kate P — Great comments. (And thanks, too.) My “normal” here is really skewed, as I said before.
Brenda makes a great point that commenting on weight loss implies a previous need for improvement — but that’s the thing. It always WAS commented upon while I was growing up. At any given point in my life, if I’ve needed to lose weight, probably the most I’ve needed to lose has been about 20 to 25 pounds. My parents, particularly my mom, would treat this as grossly unacceptable. 20 pounds may as well have been 200 for her. I heard about it constantly and would then stubbornly cling to the extra weight to piss her off because it was the only “voice” I was allowed to have, really. My big rebellion.
My dad once gave me a serious talking to in high school, asking me didn’t I know how this weight was hurting mom? So that’s a tiny bit of the dynamic here. For my sister and me, our worth was based on our weight. (And our grades.) I’ve been up and down in my life, weight-wise, always within that same range, but this is the longest I’ve stayed steady, you know? I actually think my body now has a new “set point,” and it’s become somewhat easier to stay at this weight for me. I had to find something that worked for me, though, and I had to do it for the right reasons. Doing it “for mom” was never enough lasting motivation.
But given the dysfunctional dynamic and the expectation that I should not be “gross” basically, when I DO reach a weight that’s considered “acceptable,” I guess I think they would say something.
Then again, when people are essentially impossible to please, doing something to please them will not sufficiently please them because there’s always something ELSE about you that doesn’t please them.
I don’t know.
You know — not that this makes me some kind of saint or anything — but I always always comment to my sister and mom when they look pretty/beautiful/hot (not allowed to say “nice.” Mom takes offense at that.) Every time I see them I make — yes — a conscious effort to say, “I love your hair” or “You look beautiful in that blouse” or just a general “You look beautiful,” whatever. Not that I’m lying when I say these things. I just make an effort to make sure it gets said because I myself would like to hear it …….. some day …… a little bit of the Golden Rule, I guess?
The again, my family is an excellent example of how doing unto others does not necessarily/or ever result in them doing the same to you. Unless it’s something bad.
Still, you try to do just to do. Whatevs.
Bah. It’s all a big “acceptance” extravaganza for me. In the end, losing weight didn’t get that for me either.
I think it’s long past time for me to let go of the notion that that’s actually achievable in this lifetime, you know?
Rae — Sorry! You went into the capricious world of moderation. Who knows why??
But yes, I agree. I think there are different standards if you know the person vs someone you don’t know too well. Generic compliments are best in that situation, absolutely.
Part of it is this, I guess:
With my family, this whole thing makes me wonder a little bit if they even “see” me. That sounds kind of pity party and icky, but seriously, do you guys even LOOK at me? I guess I feel invisible to some extent anyway because of the childless issue, because I’m not bringing any grandkids to the party, so to speak, but it hits a core issue for me (a middle child here) of …. damn, do you people even SEE me at ALL??
So it’s more than just the weight loss, I guess, and isn’t it fun to pull at THAT thread???
roo — Hula hoop sounds totally fun! I never learned to do it when I was a kid. I think my mom objected to all the naughty hip action.
I need the working out bit to be fun. I hear good things about Zumba classes, and I occasionally feel a tug of interest but my antisocial tendencies win out over my desire to develop hips that don’t lie. Eh. They’re truthful enough.
We’d make quite a pair, wouldn’t we? You with your hula hoop and me with my trampoline. We could call it Roo and Tracey’s Fabulous Playground Circus.
I’m picturing all the AMAZING TRICKS we could do– hopping through rings. Flaming rings! Somersaults through the air!
Sorry, I’ve tried reading this post four times, but each time I try to answer the question you pose, I read the words “mini-trampoline” and “boobins” and I lose all focus. I HATE being that shallow.
Sorry, I know I am late coming to the table on this one–but I have to comment. Where I come from if someone loses weight: you comment on it. Whether it be friend,family, co-worker or aquaintance. The only time you would not comment on it is if the person does not look well or you know they have been sick. OR if the person has an eating disorder. Otherwise you want to encourage or build up (even if you are a little jeal) that person. Not understanding your family’s silence and sorry that your personal worth was equated with your weight. Which makes it even more confusing as to why they wouldnt say something to you.Post before and after pics — so we can comment. lol…..and congrats.
JFH — Hahahahahahaha.
Lynne — Yeah, I guess I think it’s “more” normal to comment, nicely, politely. Then again, I can really see the points others are making too.
But yeah. Given the expectation that I will look a certain “way,” the silence when I do get to a point where I look a certain “way” is a bit deafening.
Tracey–It’s so hard to figure out the dynamics of family…..
On the flip side (kind of)I have a friend who lost weight recently and she never fails to mention how tiny she is or how she had to take in a size 4 dress because it was too big for her:/
I’m trying to process the concept that your weight was somehow hurting your mom, and well, I’m stuck there now, amidst a mixture of “Day-UM, your mom really is wacked out,” and “Thank God in heaven my own parents are no longer around to dish out that kind of crap because they so would.”
Family dynamics. The gift that keeps on giving.
I’m happy that you’re looking and feeling more fit, Tracey. As long as your MB likes the results too, it’s all good.
I’m of the opinion (maybe it’s my Texan roots) that you always comment on someone ‘s weight loss (unless it’s from illness or other bad things) . You always tell them that they look great and tell them you’ve noticed the weight loss.
Your family should have noticed and acknowledged.