My list of 20 critters that would be discontinued in heaven, if I had my way.
Because they are past redemption. Beyond hope. I do not like them. For significant or flimsy reasons. It doesn’t matter. My hatred has no logic.
These are not terribly specific. Some are just broad categories, meaning I will most likely be intolerant of any version of this critter in my presence. I reserve the right to add to this list at any time, should some critter frighten or upset me or just bother me in irreparable fashion. (Actually, there are more, but let’s just go with 20 for now.)
In no particular order, they are:
1. Spiders
2. Camels
3. Hyenas
4. Sharks
5. Crocodiles/Alligators
6. Cockroaches
7. Rodents
8. Possums
9. Hairless cats
10. Hairless dogs
11. Chimpanzees
12. Crows
13. Any ugly bug-eyed fish from the deep deep bottom of the ocean. These were obviously made from leftover parts. Admit it, God.
14. Dung beetles
15. Chihuahuas
16. Komodo dragons
17. Snakes
18. Bats
19. Ear wigs
20. Warthogs
Please feel free to post your own similar list in the comments.
I feel better just saying it.
Wow. That list gave me the willies just reading it. I had no idea how much I also hate most of those things on your list (I do like chimpanzees). I’m especially with you on the crows. Crows are evil.
Since I’ve moved to Texas, I would add scorpions to the list, at the top, with snakes. They’re actually worse because they come inside the house.
#1, yes.
Also, those “walking stick bugs” FREAK ME OUT. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THOSE THINGS? except to cause sheer terror in me?
Waterbugs (otherwise known as WB) are absolutely horrible and i want them all dead.
Now. Mammals? I guess anteaters are pretty ugly but I am sure they provide a great service so I’ll let them slide.
Hairless cats freak me out, too. And is it just me, or do they not SEEM miserable? Like they don’t seem to have the happy purring narcissism of most cats. They seem grumpy and uncomfortable.
I adopted a manatee once, a couple years ago, through a conservation society and I paid for his upkeep. His name was Charles. I would get pictures of Charles throughout the year, swimming through the deep. It was hilarious and awesome. I loved Charles so much. But the pictures! Poor Charles! He was hideous-looking, but I loved him anyway. Not sure I would want to run into him while I was snorkeling around, however.
Please up-ding possums +100 and add:
Anything white and slug-like.
Shrews. Because anything that voracious is scary. They’re like teeny-beany fur-covered sharks.
What are those many-legged creepy-crawlies who like to sneak into basements? Silverfish? THOSE THINGS. Anytime you smush something horrible, they should stay good and smushed, and not jiggle their various severed bits for the next minute. Those things give me the blinking fantods.
Oooh silverfish. I hate those things.
I am also afraid of bats, although I also think they are AWESOME. But I never want to be near a cave when they all come flying out at one time.
Mosquitoes.
I don’t like spidery thingys, but I can grudgingly admit their usefulness in places not anywhere in my proximity.
Mosquitoes, however, I have yet to fathom. They don’t pollinate anything. They just bite. And spread diseaseys. Like little vampires without the sexy sparkly skin.
Blinking fantods. Nightfly, I am so going to use that in my high school art classes tomorrow. Somehow, I am.
Pure brilliance.
Snakes are ok! Maggots are NOT!
Oooh, NF! YES to those silverfish thingies! Why do they always end up squished in perfectly good books? It’s their fishiness that I find suspect. EW. Ick.
Shrews!! Yes, those too.
And maggots. How could I forget maggots??
Oh, and those ear wig thingies. Do you guys know what I mean? Little skinny bugs with pincers on the end? I’ve always hated them, but years ago, watching this movie called “Mountains of the Moon” about Burton and Speke finding the source of the Nile, there was a scene where an ear wig crawls into Speke’s ear and ….. he ….. digs it out with a knife and he’s screaming and you’re screaming and it’s horrible.
Shiver. Shiver.
That really did happen to the man. This is why you shouldn’t go looking for things. My motto is: Leave Everything ALONE.
(Or at least it was for a long time after seeing THAT horror.)
GraD — You are so right about mosquitos. What’s the deal? They earn my special ire after giving George Clooney malaria.
On the other hand, George? Uhm, there’s doxycycline. You take it preemptively when you’re going to a place that’s full of mosquitos — like I did for Thailand or like you should for Africa.
I mean, seriously, is your doctor Michael Jackson’s doctor? Someone with your means and your access to the best doctors should have a doctor that KNOWS that. Weird.
Why do they always end up squished in perfectly good books?
I know! It’s like, gee, you couldn’t stick to the back cover of that moldy Nicholas Sparks book that’s been stuck behind the baseboard since ’08… Noooooo you had to get into the middle of Jane Eyre. Silverfish bastard.
Earwigs, I’m neutral on, but only because of Star Trek II – those things were MUCH MUCH WORSE so I see an earwig and it’s just so minor-league. If I’d seen the other, I’m sure I would share your opinion, though.
NF — /Silverfish bastard./
Hahahahahahahaha!
I now want to start calling random people “silverfish bastards.”
All Nicholas Sparks’ books deserve a squished silverfish bastard. It could be a book review rating system. The more SB’s, the worse the book.
“How do you rate The Notebook, Trace?”
“OMG. I rate it 5 Silverfish Bastards.”
I have an unhealthy fear of ticks. I’ve never had one burrow into me but the thought of it repulses me. I was told the head can live if you pinch the body off before it backs all the way out. Please add ticks to the list.
Duck-billed platypuses… Make up your mind are you a beaver or and duck?!… and what is up with the venom?!.. you wanna be a reptile too?
This was an edifying, if not stomach-churning, post! Please add ferrets. My college roommate had one. That spazzy thing chewed everything I owned and pooed everywhere. Ugh.
Rodents? ALL rodents? Including guinea pigs? And chinchillas too? Can they get a special dispensation, please, because it’s really unfair to lump them in with rats and mice.
I’d argue on behalf of hamsters as well, except that they’re basically just rotund mice sans tails.
You can add earthworms to the list of banned critters. Especially the big fat nightcrawlers that flail about on my patio after a heavy rain.
Kate P — I’ll add ferrets just for you.
RT — Nope, sorry. No special dispensations. They can have a special dispensation on your list. 😉 I have traumatic guinea pig memories from childhood.
I thought George Clooney WAS a doctor. Oh, wait… 😉
Ah yes. Silverfish ook me out almost as much as cockroaches (and the even WORSE waterbugs). I’m so thankful to live in the desert. I’ll take spiders over silverfish and waterbugs any day.
Oh, but I’d like to add butterflies to the list. *shiver* They pretend they’re these beautiful, artsy types, but up close, they’re just caterpillars in drag. It’s horrifying.
sarahk — /up close, they’re just caterpillars in drag. It’s horrifying./
Hahahahahaha!
Oh, and since you mention being discontinued in Heaven, can we assume their Rainbow Bridge privileges, if any, also would be revoked?