Some dude calling himself B.G. left a brilliant comment on one of my sex in heaven posts:
Hehe you fools, this kind of thinking will get you a free ticket to Hell. Heaven is NOT about you being happy – it is about you making GOD HAPPY BY SELFLESSLY SERVING HIM IN ALL YOUR THOUGHTS AND DEEDS (which will make you happy in turn.) Heaven is NOT for your pleasure; IT IS FOR GOD’S PLEASURE, NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS. Comprende, people? Sex in heaven? No way Jose! That would be SEEKING PLEASURE FOR YOURSELF, rather than focusing on your SOLE FUNCTION in heaven – namely, praising God! (As would eating, drinking, dancing, skiing or what have you.) And since we have nothing to offer God except for our adoration and worship – well, I don’t how my “human†body, complete with chest hair, buttocks and a penis flopping around would would enable me to do that. Those things were meant for EARTHLY purposes only (since I won’t be urinating or fathering children in Heaven, what point would there be in having genitalia?) I’m sure we’ll have eyes (to see God) and a mouth (to sing praises to God) but other than that, what kind of body would we require? Not much, I say!
Oh, I clap my hands at the chance to take this apart! Let’s do it, shall we, pippa?
Hehe you fools
This is always an endearing way to start on a stranger’s blog.
…. this kind of thinking will get you a free ticket to Hell.
Uhm, why, honeybunch? Imagining what heaven might be like is no bueno? God is making the ultimate gift for us and we can’t imagine what it is? Have you never wondered about the presents under the Christmas tree?
Heaven is NOT about you being happy – it is about you making GOD HAPPY BY SELFLESSLY SERVING HIM IN ALL YOUR THOUGHTS AND DEEDS (which will make you happy in turn.) Heaven is NOT for your pleasure;
So heaven is a bummer? “Now abide these three: faith, hope, love; but the greatest of these is LOVE.” Kinda think heaven’s about love — in ALL its created forms.
IT IS FOR GOD’S PLEASURE, NO IFS ANDS OR BUTS.
Hm. Doesn’t God already have pleasure? Isn’t he, by definition, basically self-sustaining? I mean, didn’t he enjoy himself before he ever made people? The ol’ Bible talks about him preparing a place for US. I see a God who is busily creating the most glorious surprise party the universe has ever known — and, yes, he’s doing it for US, so how is heaven not about our enjoyment? Your heaven sounds like a drag, dude.
Comprende, people?
Wow. Again, a charming first move on a stranger’s blog. Nothing more distasteful to me than someone who knows he’s right and needs to insult people from his position of perceived rightness.
Sex in heaven? No way Jose! That would be SEEKING PLEASURE FOR YOURSELF, rather than focusing on your SOLE FUNCTION in heaven – namely, praising God! (As would eating, drinking, dancing, skiing or what have you.)
So we can’t praise God with our bodies — by having sex, freed from the earthly confines, definitions, and corruptions of it? Sex is spiritual as well as physical, a pale earthly symbol of God’s love for his people. Imagine — which I actually think is your problem here — how that might be transformed in heaven. And what? No eating, drinking? DUDE, there’s gonna be a big fat wedding feast some day. I assume you’ve read about that in the Bible. What does “feast” imply? I mean, if you don’t want to eat the food in heaven, I don’t suppose God will make you. If you want to sit in a heavenly pew singing praise choruses forever, have at it. Personally, I believe that everything we do in heaven — eating, drinking, dancing, skiing, maybe even having sex — will be part of how we worship God. We will worship him with everything we do. But if you don’t wanna do anything …. uhm, well, stay away from me, ‘kay?
And since we have nothing to offer God except for our adoration and worship – well, I don’t how my “human†body, complete with chest hair, buttocks and a penis flopping around would would enable me to do that.
Hm. Don’t you worship God now, in your given body, complete with chest hair and buttocks and floppy penis? Or is their presence somehow disabling? Is the floppy penis a real millstone that keeps you from worshiping? “Sure wish I could PTL right now! Damn this floppy penis anyway!” Does it somehow ….. get in the way? As far as I’m concerned, a penis is never in the way.
Those things were meant for EARTHLY purposes only (since I won’t be urinating or fathering children in Heaven, what point would there be in having genitalia?)
Well, because you were MADE with genitalia? As a MAN? Sounds like you are literally jumping up and down at the chance — ohpleaseohplease — to be an eternal Ken doll. But he made you a man and the Bible clearly references that you will have a body. Beyond that, we can certainly use the body of the resurrected Jesus — a body that could be seen and touched, a body that could eat — as a reference point for what our glorified bodies will be like. Although maybe God won’t force you to have a body if you really don’t want one. But do you actually think you pass through the gates of heaven and surrender your penis? Is that what you think? Is that what you want? I can’t imagine that any man in his right mind would not feel mutilated if that’s what happens. I’ve actually had this conversation with My Beloved and he is not down for losing his penis. I’m not down for losing my saucy boobins or my fancy place, as we call it around here. I personally don’t believe heaven is a place of mutilation or loss. It sounds like you do, though. I believe it’s a place of perfection, redemption, making all things new.
I’m sure we’ll have eyes (to see God) and a mouth (to sing praises to God) but other than that, what kind of body would we require? Not much, I say!
So you’re saying that in heaven you’re nothing but eyes and mouth? Not only is that just flat-out wrong — if you care about biblical accuracy — but it sounds like a horror movie to me. Seriously. That’s not how God created you. He created men and women with bodies. He created sex. He doesn’t just rip up what he creates. Again, he makes it NEW. Your version of heaven is a hell to me. I want to enjoy heaven. Sounds like you don’t. You seem to have some issues with heaven, contempt for your floppy penis, and an utter lack of imagination.
Good luck, dude.
And before you barge in to make your first comment on someone else’s blog, you may want to get a feel for the room first. It’s never the best idea to come in as a stranger, both barrels blazing, insulting people’s intelligence.
My momma taught me not to do that.
And, again, seriously stay away from me up there with your open mouth and floaty eyes.
OMG Tracey….I am cracking up here!
“And, again, seriously stay away from me up there with your open mouth and floaty eyes.”
I am SO with ya on that!
Andrea — I’m serious. WHAT is he thinking? That’s just it. He ISN’T. Please stop embarrassing me, Christians.
Oh, Lord have mercy.
I keep trying to think of something else to say about this, but I get half a sentence in my head, and am forced to circle back to “Oh, Lord have mercy.”
There are no words.
I guess when the bible says “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.” the translators got it all wrong. It really means that it was just okay. Not really good, just mediocre. The penis was a glitch. ‘Cause that’s what God does – he makes it mediocre and then waits for heaven to take away things like the penis and ears and uvulas because they don’t make the cut to be “good” or even “very good”. Geez dood! No es bueno! Only eyes and a mouth… sorry nose, not good enough.
i just don’t get it. if i read something on a blog that i don’t agree with….i just leave. if i see something again i don’t agree with ….. i leave for good. i do not leave snarky comments. i just leave. hang in there tracey.
My first uncensored/unedited thought was, “Dude, when I get my glorified body after the second coming, ain’t NOTHING gonna be floppy on it.”
But really, that was not really Christlike behavior to do a drive-by and call people “fools” and lecture them. And talking about sex in Heaven sends people to Hell? Oh, sweetie. No.
Brian — /The penis was a glitch. /
Hahahahahahahaha!!
I love that glitch!!
/Only eyes and a mouth… sorry nose, not good enough./
Oh, no! Guess we won’t need noses because heaven’s gonna stink.
cindy — That’s so true. Like, why bother? Some people have a compulsive NEED to point out the perceived “errors” of others.
I’m kinda hoping BG will just be a big nose in heaven so he won’t be able to see me or talk to me.
MB just said, “I’m just gonna be a big penis in heaven.”
To which I said, “Oh, yeah? You ARE a big penis.”
Kate P — /My first uncensored/unedited thought was, “Dude, when I get my glorified body after the second coming, ain’t NOTHING gonna be floppy on it.â€/
Amen, baby!!
BG makes me sad. All he hopes for about heaven is to be eyes and a mouth. His heaven will be less than his earth was. How can you contemplate that kind of heaven and not want to kill yourself AND hope you go to hell?
Also he didn’t mention ears. Eyes and mouth only.
So he can talk and praise God, he just can’t hear himself do it. Heaven is a place where we’re all deaf, pippa.
Okay, so I was already to back up B.G. until Brian reminded me that I would have no uvula in heaven, which, I’m sorry, is a deal breaker with me. I mean, I can get by without my floppy penis but NOT without my floppy uvula!
On a slightly more serious note, how does B.G. know what happens in heaven (are we absolutely sure B.G. is not Brian, just pulling a hoax?)? He sure seems to have a lot of capitalized statements with no biblical reference. Hey, B.G., God created us in his own image (Gen. 1:27… see how that’s done?). That means floppy penis and uvula, I think… (Floppy Penis would be a good name for a grunge band)
As for MB’a comment: me and you, buddy (and the body I had at 35… from there it’s been all downhill).
I won’t be allowed to ski in heaven, either? Bummer.
// So he can talk and praise God, he just can’t hear himself do it. //
hahahahahahaha
“Free ticket to Hell.” That implies that there are some who will have to pay to go to Hell. Really? I think every ticket to Hell is pretty much free.
Shut up, “Christians.”
Again, Tracey, you really know how to attract the wieners. I mean, the winners. I think it’s a gift! But not a spiritual gift.
Lisa, I thought the same thing. You mean there’s a cover-charge to Hell normally, and for us it’s free?
Kathi — Hahahahahahahaha.
Hey, you know what else is free, BG? Shutting up.
Lisa/sheila — Yeah. What do the paying hellbound slatterns get for their fee? Is the temperature 2 degrees cooler? 30% less poking with a pitchfork?
What, I wonder?
JFH — Sorry about your comment #9! Went into moderation!
And, no, BG is not Brian. He lives in Montana. BG, not Brian.
Now, Hell is normally $29.95 a month with a $50 membership per year. But tell you what I’m going to do – watch this – that’s over 400 bucks, right? – for you, because you’re so interested, here’s what I’m gonna do – BOOM – right there – no membership the first year, and we’ll cut the monthly down to $19.95 for you. And remember, that’s the full Hell treatment – you still get to keep your eyes and mouth – you still get to ditch the penis and the back hair – it was back hair, right? Well, ANY hair, it doesn’t matter – gone! And you’re saving $170 on that!
On a serious note, though – part of me is calling nonsense on this BG fellow, because it’s sounds much less like a real Christian, and so nearly resembles the sort of thing that athiests and mockers SAY that Christianity is. It’s like he’s trying to offend by imitating what a “real Christian” would believe but gets it wrong, because he knows about as much about Jesus as your average squirrel.
But don’t let that stop the mock! More mock, I say!
NF — Hahahahahahaha!! Thank you for the discount on hell. And no more back hair? Sign me up. 😉
I kinda wish he’d come back so we can attack him like the pack of wild dogs we are.
NF – I’ve heard plenty of real Christians sound just like this guy. That’s why so many of them have become laughingstocks, and rightly so. this is how they think, this is how they deal with debate and discussion – it is completely irrational and insane. And RUDE! I
Tracey: I kinda can’t get past his opening, which is very strange: “Hehe you fools”. First of all: rude. I am, indeed, a fool, but it is RUDE to point it out in a public forum.
Also: “hehe”? Does he mean “hee hee”? Because then I get what he’s trying to do, but here, in its truncated version, I just get confused. But then again, I am a drunken slattern. I often get confused. I wonder if he means “heh heh”, to sort of connote a contemptuous chuckle, as opposed to the maniacal giggle that “hee hee” (or “hehe” is).
See, that’s the MAIN problem I have with his comment, besides the image of a floppy penis that has now followed me around throughout the day. I get distracted by why he wrote “hehe” instead of “hee hee” and completely miss whatever it is he is trying to say.
“hehe you fools”. I’m obsessed with it now.
Also, I think, in general, some people can get nutty when sex is brought up. Christians can be particularly terrible in this regard – but people in general can get weird when a serious discussion is going on about sex. I have no time for such people, because I like to talk about things and so I choose my company well – and like to talk with people who are comfortable with contemplating, pondering, listening – you know: GOOD CONVERSATIONALISTS. But there’s a phobic over-reaction to sex (people need to assert how right they are – and to me, I sense a fear that they may NOT be right, and so then they have to scream even louder) – and you can feel it in this guy’s comment. He’s sneering, first of all, at the very concept of the discussion – which is a huge red flag.
“Hehe you fools.”
I could say it all day.
Sheila – sometimes I forget how lucky I am about my own church and the circles of friends I have… I rarely hear ideas like this guy’s emasculatory screed from them, so it strikes me as off, more like a caricature of the prissy Jeebus-lubber than a real person.
I suppose that in the end, there’s no difference, and someone so eager to live like a caricature instead of a human being will, sadly, succeed.
And I admit that part of me is a little defensive on the subject of poor Christian attitudes toward the body in general, sex in particular. I worked very hard to try to understand what was real and healthy from the bad ideas (from within and without the Church). I find that when I look at genuine theology that it’s far kinder to the human form and the human expression of self, than any of the gleeful self-mutilating Manichean ideas; much less the tired “Puritan” sneering from the other side of the fence. The heart is stunted first, so they try to stunt their bodies and their minds to match, rather than address what’s really going on.
In any case – I’m also lucky to have you and the rest of the “pack of wild dogs” (HAHAHAHAHAHA). Gotta get on my game to keep up around here…
sheila — I don’t know too many drunken slatterns obsessed with spelling. You’re killing me — wondering whether he meant vowels or consonants.
I find myself obsessing about his floppy penis. I mean, I assume it’s not perpetually floppy, right? This is where my brain goes. Is this a Bob Dole situation here?
Hehe.
NF – // The heart is stunted first, so they try to stunt their bodies and their minds to match, rather than address what’s really going on.//
That is quite quite profound. A painful realization, but I think you’re right. It’s quite tragic, isn’t it?
Tracey – Ha. I get so caught up in linguistics that I get distracted. It just seems truncated to me. Not right: “Hehe”.
As opposed to “She she?”
How come there’s no “sheh sheh”? SEXIST.
Let’s face it, everything about BG seems to be truncated. And he is only eyes and mouth. Hehe.
Also, it just occurred to me. BG says heaven is about “serving God in our all thoughts and deeds.” No, wait. That’s wrong. “SERVING GOD IN ALL OUR THOUGHTS AND DEEDS.”
Tell me, BG. You’re eyes and a mouth, right? What thoughts can you have? What deeds can you do?
TA DAA!! I win.
Sorry for my sporradic drive-by commentary (I really have missed you all), but I could not let this one go without appreciating everyone’s comments here. Very entertaining.
My first reaction to reading BG’s comment was if his version of Heaven is accurate, no wonder Hell is levying the cover charge. Clearly, that is where all the fun is being had. I think I will go there with the other fools.
“open mouth and floaty eyes” HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
So freaking creepy!!