a team by any other name

I am a football fan. Diehard. I grew up with it. It was a way to get closer to my dad which met with mostly dubious success. But still, this robust and manly game got in my blood.

I am, however, still a woman. With woman’s concerns about football. And, no, not the “he just sits there on that damn sofa in front of that damn tv all Sunday long” concerns — because I do that, too — but the “what the heck is WRONG with some of these nebulous, nancy team names” type of concerns.

Serious concerns for a serious problem.

Witness these names:

The Green Bay Packers

The Houston Texans

The Arizona Cardinals

The Seattle Seahawks

The Cleveland Browns

Now I’m of the opinion that a football team’s name should bode ill, promise mayhem, strike fear in the hearts of all who dare oppose. When fans hear their team’s name, they should tremble with relief and gratitude that they’re with them and not against them. Because woe betide those who are against them.

So let’s look at these names I’ve listed, shall we, and see how they do on what I’ll dub The Mayhemometer.

The Green Bay Packers — I know. I’m messing with history here. Oldest team name around, dates back to 1919. Blahdie Blah. The name was originally The Indian Packers because ol’ Curly Lambeau received money from his employer, The Indian Packing Co., for uniforms and equipment. In exchange, a name was born. (It was originally “The Indian Packers.”)

Lotsa history there.

BUT …. ill and menace and fear? No. I mean, what’s a Packer? (ahem.) No. They were apparently simple, hardworking fellas who packed a lot of useful things back in the early 20th century. Not scary. Not even close. Mayhemometer — well, 1. Because maybe the occasional rowdydow broke out while they were packing things.

And, if not, there IS this. THIS is nightmare scary:

They could significantly raise their score on the Mayhemometer by simply changing their name to The Green Bay Cheese Bras.

Yes, I know. It is absolutely the wrong kind of scary.

But it IS scary. Just gouge-your-own-eyes-out-it’s better-this-way SCARY.

(And, oh, those genuwine gold chains really class up the cheese.)

The Houston Texans — Please. They were once The Houston Oilers and what was wrong with that? Seemed kinda macho somehow. Was it too greasy and slimy, too Bush and Cheney, WHAT? And how embarrassingly lazy is this name? What’s next? “The Oakland Californians”? “The New York New Yorkers”?? A name that awful could only have been decided by committee. I imagine a gaggle of tight-suited, tassle-shoed executives with sour coffee breath and feeble comb-overs. I imagine it took just hours and HOURS to come up with this one. Oh, and I imagine they were probably “very pleased to announce” the birth of their cleverly named baby.
Mayhemometer — 0.

The Arizonal Cardinals and The Seattle Seahawks — A cardinal is a tiny, red singing finch. A sea hawk is a gull. Finches and gulls, people. Mayhemometer — less than 0. So much less it can’t even be calculated.

The Cleveland Browns — This one …. disturbs me. It reminds me too much of the brown pants joke I spoke of in this post. It’s got a tinge of the incontinent about it. It makes me think of diapers — for babies, for kiddies, for oldies, for EVERYBODY! It’s just ….. blech. I know The Browns are “dawgs” and all, but what kind of dawg?

Are they the ratty, gooey-eyed shakes kind of dawg:

Or are they the faithful, warm-eyed pal kind of dawg:

I mean, you tell me, Browns. You’re “dawgs” of some kind. So naturally, your helmet is a plain, dog-free, neon orange. Because nothing says “Browns” better than orange and nothing says “dawgs” better than nothing. Mayhemometer — 0. Paint that on your helmet, dawgs.

To me, menace comes with names like the Lions, the Bears, the Raiders, the freakin’ RAIDERS! (And I HATE the Raiders.) But the name is great. It bodes ill and strikes fear and promises heaps of mayhem. It scores a 10 on the Mayhemometer. Plus, their helmets leave no doubt they’re Raiders, for God’s sake!

So I propose some new NFL team names. Names that might strike more universal chords of menace and fear. Because ….. “Browns”?

Something simply must be done.

(Using other NFL cities here, not just the ones I’ve complained about.)

So …… how be …. maybe …. the menace of:

The Cleveland Carbohydrates

The Seattle Soccer Moms

The Cincinnati Smokers

The Baltimore Bird Flu

For scary cult action, I prefer:

The Tennessee Thetans (L. Ron would be thrilled)

The Miami Magicks

The Dallas J Dubs

Celebrities, of course, offer endless potential. How be:

The Carolina TomKats

The Jacksonville J-Los

The Denver O’Donnells

I don’t know …. have fun ….. do your own.

But for me, personally, the name sure to shiver me timbers, to portend doom and nightmares and tears and hurling would be …..

The Baltimore Beets.

The name that turns the world purple-dark and dirt flavored and forces all to partake.

OH. SWEET. LORD.