I’m still a little paranoid about things regarding Maybe Church aka Not on Your Life Church, but less so. I’m getting closer and closer to not caring anymore who from that organization finds or reads my blog. Bring it on, Slappies!
During our tenure at Maybe Church, MB would take a small sketch book with him, writing and doodling in it during the sermon. Er, “teaching.” I wrote in a composition book I always had with me. You know, outlines for all those slanderous blog posts. If I could have, I would have live-blogged the Sunday service, I imagine. (Or “meeeeeetings” as this “family of churches” likes to call them.) We’d plop ourselves in the farthest reaches of the church, as far as we could sit from anything and anybody and still be sitting IN the church, bend our heads over our respective books, and look very earnest, very notetaker-y, very Onward Christian Soldiers about the whole dealio, when, really, I was just writing blog notes and MB was doodling caricatures of various church members and, when we weren’t doing THAT, we were busily writing notes to each other.
Oh, I miss Maybe Church! I do. For all the wrong reasons, but I DO miss it.
Below are excerpts from one page of Sunday notes to each other. These were written AFTER Outing Person had outed this shameful blog but BEFORE the retarded unsatisfying fallout. (Uhm, that I have yet to even write about.) I’d scan the actual page if I could, because the visuals are priceless, but it has real names on it, so you get my transcription instead.
I do hope you will be as edified by them as we were.
At the top of MB’s page, a list …..
Pastor Talents:
~ Supporting the short-sleeve casual industry
~ Channeling John Lithgow
~ Reviving the mustache
Then various frantic scribbles ….
HE: Hey, Perky Bob has backed off this week.
ME: He is DONE w/us. Maybe he saw the Ned Reyerson thing on my blog. Oops. Oh, THANK YOU, Outing Person!
*********
ME: I need some Icy Hot for my sore ass crack!
HE: In church?? You’re “de-gifted”!
(ed: That one is for Kris)
*********
ME: He’s really stuck on this “intersection” theme …… (several minutes later) ….. he’s talked about it every DAMN week …… (and another several minutes later) ….. if he says “intersection” one more time ….. KAPOW!!! …..(annnd another several minutes later) ….. Jesus must get bored …… zzzzzzzz …….
(Why MB was not moved enough to respond to my “intersection” plight, I do not know. I was clearly suffering.)
**********
ME: Where are they? Grumpy Guy and Nan? Theories?
HE: Hunting for food? Depression festival?
ME: It’s weird. Do you think it’s related to the whole “Tracey-is-a-tramp” extravaganza?
HE: Seems viable.
*********
Then there are various spot-on caricatures of the aforementioned people. It also says “Calvin” with a frowny face — because the pastor mentioned Calvin. Uhm, again.
Ah, yes. Church can be SO edifying, you know?
Tracey……….I read these posts and it makes me just want to hang out with you and MB because of your deliciously dark and dry wit……..
Church people who read this……….aren’t you just appalled at their humanity???? WWJD? 🙂
CV — Hahahahaha, thank you. Probably by this particular Sunday, the Maybe Church bloom was REALLY off the rose.
I kind of wish we would have stayed longer — but only for the blog posts.
I need to find me another cult to resist! I must! For the sake of the blog!
Resist the siren call of the blog-worthy cult, tracey. It will suck your soul out of your eyeballs, I tell you. I know it’s a huge temptation to search out hypocrites to mock, but you must RESIST!……Aw, never mind.
I think you should visit a bunch of different churches, blog about your experiences and then we can play guess the denomination……….
ann — “blog-worthy cult,” hahahahahahaha. Actually, that particular cult or cult-ISH church already has two excellent blogs devoted to it. Problems GALORE.
You and your ass crack.
sarahk — Jesus CARES about my ass crack. Big time. It’s feeling better, btw.
Uhm ….. and I’m sure you have ALL been losing sleep each night wondering “HOW IS TRACEY’S ASS CRACK???? I CANNOT SLEEP FROM WONDERING!!”
This is why I CANNOT Twitter, sweetness.
No, this is precisely why you need to tweet.
Yeah, please tweet. I NEED MORE THAN SIX FOLLOWERS. I’m gettin’ a complex, yo.
Lisa — No, no complexes!! You are insanely funny!!