uhm, thank you?

For the button hat? No, the totally extreme button hat? That also looks vaguely like a mushroom?

Wow. I am speechless with something like gratitude, is what I would say if that were even remotely true.

Please excuse me. I’m trying to figure out how one wears a be-buttoned woolen mushroom atop one’s head. I mean ……

Do you tilt it forward? So people in front of you can see more buttons? I mean, I don’t want people to misunderstand the point of the hat which is, obviously, that some old gammie went nuts clearing out her button drawer and in an act of both relief and passive aggression, made this hat and sent it out into the world for you to purchase and give to me, a person you claim to love. Or perhaps to re-gift to me, a person you claim to love.

Do you push it back? So people behind you can see more buttons and laugh at you behind your back but you just don’t care because they’re behind your back? This option appeals to me.

Do you try to make it flat, like a saucer of buttons atop your head? Is that what you do? And, I ask you, what girl hasn’t yearned for a saucer of buttons to adorn her head at some point her life?

You know, honestly, it’s all too much. The responsibility and mental energy this cap requires is more than I can handle. It’s truly beyond me. Plus, with that army of buttons weighing it down, the thing is just a migraine in the making. I also worry about being dive-bombed and pecked by random frightening crows searching for food.

So, again, thank you? You shouldn’t have? I am so looking forward to ….. uhm, leaving this outside on the next rainy day and — que lastima! — shrinking it to a size way too small for my giant head.

Tsk, tsk.

Unfortunate.

These things happen.

Tough break, you know?

Or ….. wait. I may have just found the new prize for The Best Thing Ever: America.