I was just at the mall — the holiday weekend mall — and at one point I literally had to escape to a dressing room just so I could curl up into fetal position and have some me time. I didn’t have anything to try on; I just needed some alone time to, you know, quiver and suck my thumb. I do this frequently because I am prone to flappy-armed anxiety when there are just too many people around. Really, they’re not so much dressing rooms to me as my personal and momentary studio apartment. So that’s nice.
You see, I hate the mall and I hate shopping and I really don’t know when that all began for me but that attitude seems to be here to stay. If you feel the same as I do, I really recommend the dressing room/studio apartment escape tactic. You just sit there or — bonus — lie down if there’s a bench and ignore all the gammies who come banging on the door because they are desperate to try on their elastic jewel-toned pants. You just tell ’em, “Gammie! They’re elastic! Eeeeelaaasssticccc. Trust me, they’ll fit! If they don’t, you need to embrace the muumuu and that’s a whole different department!”
You know, because I think it’s important to be helpful while you’re being selfish. You just feel better about yourself, which I’m pretty sure is what life is all about.
So with my mall hatred fresh in mind, I have some questions for you:
(Copy and paste into comments — the usual instructions, pippa.)
1) What’s the worst thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
2) What’s the best thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
3) What’s your least favorite item of clothing to have to try on? Why?
4) For that matter, do you even try on clothes or do you just purchase and take your chances, figuring you can return them later?
5) T/F: I have purchased clothing to wear one time and then returned it. (I won’t judge you. Openly. To myself, oh, yes, I will, you hooligan. Otherwise, no, I love you, of course.)
6) Men: Do you sit in those limbo chairs whilst your wife tries on clothes and try to think of nice things to say about the crap she models for you or do you go elsewhere when she does that?
7) Women: Do you or would you make your man sit in those limbo chairs whilst you try on clothes? If so, uhm, WHY??? (I have no opinion on this.)
8) Men: T/F I feel completely comfortable in Victoria’s Secret or the lingerie section of any department store.
9) Fill in the blank: A trip to the mall should be no longer than _____________.
10) If you hate the mall, how do you make a trip there more bearable?
11) Women: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
12) Men: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
13) If you go to a mall that has a food court, where would you usually eat? I’m not talking a hostess-leads-you-to-a-table restaurant. I’m talking food court, baby.
14) What is your favorite store in your local mall?
15) T/F: I have had sex in a store dressing room. (Hey, it’s an anthropological question. It’s all for science, I swear.)
Thank you for taking my Mall Survey and I’m sorry, so very sorry, if you find yourself visiting a mall this holiday weekend. Stay home and read the Constitution instead.
Happy Fourth of July, everyone!
1) What’s the worst thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
Clothes. Because the fashion designers don’t understand that there are 5’1″ women out there who aren’t a size 4.
2) What’s the best thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
No such thing. I’m with you in the hate-shopping club. No, wait. We have a See’s chocolate shop in our mall, so I’ll go with chocolate.
3) What’s your least favorite item of clothing to have to try on? Why?
Pants/jeans. Because of my giant backside and the way it looks even worse in dressing room lighting.
4) For that matter, do you even try on clothes or do you just purchase and take your chances, figuring you can return them later?
Yes, I try them on, because I know they won’t fit, and I never return things, due to my extreme laziness.
5) T/F: I have purchased clothing to wear one time and then returned it. (I won’t judge you. Openly. To myself, oh, yes, I will, you hooligan. Otherwise, no, I love you, of course.)
No.
6) Men: Do you sit in those limbo chairs whilst your wife tries on clothes and try to think of nice things to say about the crap she models for you or do you go elsewhere when she does that?
Frank sits there and plays his Nintendo DS.
7) Women: Do you or would you make your man sit in those limbo chairs whilst you try on clothes? If so, uhm, WHY??? (I have no opinion on this.)
I don’t make him. He just does it. He has no interest in shopping either. Of course, if there were a Best Buy or a Walmart electronics section nearby, he’d be all over it, and I wouldn’t care.
8) Men: T/F I feel completely comfortable in Victoria’s Secret or the lingerie section of any department store.
Frank says false in a very duh tone.
9) Fill in the blank: A trip to the mall should be no longer than _____________.
Fifteen minutes.
10) If you hate the mall, how do you make a trip there more bearable?
I have a Kindle. I have earbuds. Kindle reads to me while I walk around. There is nothing that can make the dressing room more bearable, though.
11) Women: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
Yes, when I was twelve, I did. And I suppose if they asked I’d let them now. But I don’t go in friends’ dressing rooms with them unless they ask me to.
12) Men: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
An I’m-not-gay “Nooooo” from Frank.
13) If you go to a mall that has a food court, where would you usually eat? I’m not talking a hostess-leads-you-to-a-table restaurant. I’m talking food court, baby.
I don’t.
14) What is your favorite store in your local mall?
Don’t care enough to have one in the mall mall (if I have to pick, Penneys). In the outlet mall, it’s Bass.
15) T/F: I have had sex in a store dressing room. (Hey, it’s an anthropological question. It’s all for science, I swear.)
False. But I like the idea. Thanks!
sarahk — When we meet some day, let’s just make a beeline straight for See’s, okay? I have a sentimental attachment to See’s candy.
1) What’s the worst thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
Clothes. It’s hot, it’s sweaty, the mirrors and lighting are awful, the whole process just reinforces every negative thought I’ve ever had about my appearance.
2) What’s the best thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
Chocolate. Because, well, it’s chocolate!
3) What’s your least favorite item of clothing to have to try on? Why?
Clothing that is cut “empire style” … this style makes me look pregnant. Also, bathing suits, which I don’t think requires any explanation. And formal wear – I’m so glad my husband is now retired from the USMC and I never have to buy another formal dress for the USMC ball! Hooray!
4) For that matter, do you even try on clothes or do you just purchase and take your chances, figuring you can return them later?
Both. I mostly wear jeans and simple shirts so I don’t have to do a whole lot of trying on.
5) T/F: I have purchased clothing to wear one time and then returned it. (I won’t judge you. Openly. To myself, oh, yes, I will, you hooligan. Otherwise, no, I love you, of course.)
Not recently. I can’t remember if I did this when I was younger. Probably.
6) Men: Do you sit in those limbo chairs whilst your wife tries on clothes and try to think of nice things to say about the crap she models for you or do you go elsewhere when she does that?
7) Women: Do you or would you make your man sit in those limbo chairs whilst you try on clothes? If so, uhm, WHY??? (I have no opinion on this.)
He can sit in the chair if he wants, but I generally don’t “model” for him unless I’m afraid an item of clothing makes me look like I’m expecting, in which case I’ll show him. He has no problem telling me the ugly truth, which I actually appreciate.
8) Men: T/F I feel completely comfortable in Victoria’s Secret or the lingerie section of any department store.
9) Fill in the blank: A trip to the mall should be no longer than _____________.
30 minutes.
10) If you hate the mall, how do you make a trip there more bearable?
I go to the nice mall 20 minutes away instead of the crappy one around the corner.
11) Women: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
I have in the past, but I’m not big on clothes shopping with friends anymore.
12) Men: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
13) If you go to a mall that has a food court, where would you usually eat? I’m not talking a hostess-leads-you-to-a-table restaurant. I’m talking food court, baby.
Back home I loved a Hot Dog on a Stick (cringe, how embarrassing). We can’t find a HDOS on the East Coast and I haven’t been in a food court in ages.
14) What is your favorite store in your local mall?
Godiva Chocolate (we don’t have See’s stores here. I miss home).
15) T/F: I have had sex in a store dressing room. (Hey, it’s an anthropological question. It’s all for science, I swear.)
I am so boring, no.
1) What’s the worst thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
Anything you have to get from the Apple store, because it’s always so frigging crowded in there.
2) What’s the best thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
Music or make-up. There’s so much to listen to/look at. Plus you don’t have to worry so much about fit.
3) What’s your least favorite item of clothing to have to try on? Why?
Gotta be the ever-popular braaaaa. It’s so hard to get a good fit–or to know if you have a good fit, because, uh, I wouldn’t exactly drag anybody into the dressing room for a second opinion.
4) For that matter, do you even try on clothes or do you just purchase and take your chances, figuring you can return them later?
I do try on clothes before I buy. I have bought things I wasn’t 100% sure about, just to see if I’d change my mind and/or discover the items didn’t match anything I had already, with the idea that I could return them.
5) T/F: I have purchased clothing to wear one time and then returned it. (I won’t judge you. Openly. To myself, oh, yes, I will, you hooligan. Otherwise, no, I love you, of course.)
False. I couldn’t live with myself. Plus it’s kinda gross.
6) Men: Do you sit in those limbo chairs whilst your wife tries on clothes and try to think of nice things to say about the crap she models for you or do you go elsewhere when she does that?
Poor guys.
7) Women: Do you or would you make your man sit in those limbo chairs whilst you try on clothes? If so, uhm, WHY??? (I have no opinion on this.)
Yeah, I’m with the WHY??? question.
8) Men: T/F I feel completely comfortable in Victoria’s Secret or the lingerie section of any department store.
(Heh heh–reminds me of the time my brother took me and one of my college classmates to the mall and he had to come retrieve us from VS when it was time to go. He looked embarrassed.)
9) Fill in the blank: A trip to the mall should be no longer than ___________.
The hours the mall is open? The size of your wallet?
10) If you hate the mall, how do you make a trip there more bearable?
I don’t hate the mall–heck, I used to work for, and right next to, the largest mall on the East Coast–but I hate crowds. I try to time my trips to avoid traffic, and shop at the lesser-preferred malls/parts of the mall.
11) Women: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
Only if they’re comfortable with it. Doesn’t bother me.
12) Men: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
13) If you go to a mall that has a food court, where would you usually eat? I’m not talking a hostess-leads-you-to-a-table restaurant. I’m talking food court, baby.
I have food allergies, so I usually don’t eat at them, but if I’m desperate, I go to the one where they toss the salads for you. Otherwise, I’ll get by on an Auntie Anne’s lemonade for the ride home.
14) What is your favorite store in your local mall?
Define “favorite.” I go to Macy’s and AnnTaylor Loft the most frequently. But I’d be super-happy on a shopping spree at Sephora.
15) T/F: I have had sex in a store dressing room. (Hey, it’s an anthropological question. It’s all for science, I swear.)
This question has me officially skeeved out.
Kate P — Oh, yeah. That Apple store is NUTSO.
And bras. Trying on bras. I’m with you on that. Torture. I tried some on recently in a dressing room that I swear was 90 degrees with 75% humidity — in an air-conditioned store even. So I was sticky and grumpy and it was just gross. Hate it. Men have nothing equivalent to this traumatic experience, I’m sure.
1) What’s the worst thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
Clothes, but that’s because I have such deep-seated body-image issues that give me fits whenever I have to purchase clothing for a particular event or reason.
2) What’s the best thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
Books. They are the least judgmental of all mall-bought items; you don’t have to worry about whether they’ll fit or fade in the wash. I like going to the Barnes & Noble in our mall and buying a book and sitting at the coffee shop sipping espresso. Yummeh!
3) What’s your least favorite item of clothing to have to try on? Why?
Bras… because I had a breast reduction surgery that left me extremely misshapen, so it’s a fruitless endeavor to have to try on any sort of upper-body lingerie item.
4) For that matter, do you even try on clothes or do you just purchase and take your chances, figuring you can return them later?
If the clothes are relatively cheap, or I’m completely familiar with the sizing, then no, I don’t bother trying on. I hate doing that anyway. I get anxiety attacks in department store fitting rooms — I have absolutely no idea why, but I break out in a cold sweat almost invariably, so I tend to avoid them. I guess maybe it came about before I lost all the weight, when trying things on was a horrid stress-inducing activity. Nowadays I don’t HAVE to fear it, but it still bothers me on a subconscious level I suppose. I guess I’m just weird.
5) T/F: I have purchased clothing to wear one time and then returned it. (I won’t judge you. Openly. To myself, oh, yes, I will, you hooligan. Otherwise, no, I love you, of course.)
FALSE. I may have many faults, but I could never bring myself to do that.
6) Men: Do you sit in those limbo chairs whilst your wife tries on clothes and try to think of nice things to say about the crap she models for you or do you go elsewhere when she does that?
My husband does NOT sit in those chairs because he does not shop for clothes with me. EVER.
7) Women: Do you or would you make your man sit in those limbo chairs whilst you try on clothes? If so, uhm, WHY??? (I have no opinion on this.)
NO. I hate it when I have to do something like that for someone else, so why would I want to torment someone by making them do it for me? Besides, I would far rather try on clothes alone than with someone else.
8) Men: T/F I feel completely comfortable in Victoria’s Secret or the lingerie section of any department store.
My husband wouldn’t care. He’s immune to that sort of stuff. He doesn’t seek it out, mind you. He just doesn’t care or notice.
9) Fill in the blank: A trip to the mall should be no longer than _____________.
Forty-five minutes, tops.
10) If you hate the mall, how do you make a trip there more bearable?
I go alone. It’s the only way the experience is tolerable for me. My teenage daughter drives me absolutely nuts if she finds out I have to go to the mall.
11) Women: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
NO! If they’re hanging around outside, I might get their opinion, but I never disrobe in front of someone unless I’m about to have surgery.
12) Men: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
n/a. I buy all his clothes for him, so he doesn’t try things on anyway.
13) If you go to a mall that has a food court, where would you usually eat? I’m not talking a hostess-leads-you-to-a-table restaurant. I’m talking food court, baby.
Subway.
14) What is your favorite store in your local mall?
Probably Ross. I’m kinda cheap like that. Or maybe Bath & Body Works.
15) T/F: I have had sex in a store dressing room. (Hey, it’s an anthropological question. It’s all for science, I swear.)
EWWWW!! No!! My BFF works in a department store and has all kinds of horror stories of things like that, so I could never in a milyun years do it. I have to be really, really private with that sort of matter anyway, and even the remotest possibility of interruption will kill any kind of “mood” I might be in.
tray, absolutely, we’ll go to See’s. And then we’ll run from the mall.
1) What’s the worst thing to have to shop for in the mall and why? Make-up. A LOT of the sales people have no idea what they are talking about, wear FAR too much of their product and treat you terribly.
2) What’s the best thing to have to shop for in the mall and why? Shoes. Because they are the best thing to shop for. Period. Except maybe Godiva. ok. Godiva. Then shoes.
3) What’s your least favorite item of clothing to have to try on? Why? I’m with Kate – Bras. Totally.
4) For that matter, do you even try on clothes or do you just purchase and take your chances, figuring you can return them later? I’m very particular. I try everything on. Twice.
5) T/F: I have purchased clothing to wear one time and then returned it. (I won’t judge you. Openly. To myself, oh, yes, I will, you hooligan. Otherwise, no, I love you, of course.) False. It feels like lying.
7) Women: Do you or would you make your man sit in those limbo chairs whilst you try on clothes? I never have. But I always think those men are adorable.
9) Fill in the blank: A trip to the mall should be no longer than _____________. It depends on the mall. But most malls? An hour.
10) If you hate the mall, how do you make a trip there more bearable? Godiva.
11) Women: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you? yep. We’re all theater people. We’ve already seen each other undressed.
13) If you go to a mall that has a food court, where would you usually eat? I always get the bourbon chicken. And then spend the rest of the day wondering why I ate that.
14) What is your favorite store in your local mall? Probably Victoria’s Secret. I can’t have a credit card there anymore. It was bad.
15) T/F: I have had sex in a store dressing room. False. sigh.
Oh, yeah, on #15? I haven’t done that either. Sighhh. My life is so sheltered. I was holding out hope someone would say yes and I could live vicariously. Someone needs to say yes. I don’t care if it’s a lie. LIE TO ME.
Marisa — Yeah, the makeup people. What is UP with them? They always look like they’re starring in the 2:00 matinee.
And, honestly, no matter where I’m shopping, I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. I mean, if I need assistance, I’ll go look for it, but I never need aggressive assistance, you know? Are you helping me or bullying me?
…hmm. Trying to come up with highly inventive, wildly untrue, naughty dressing room escapade anecdote. Such is my love for you.
1) What’s the worst thing to have to shop for in the mall and why? Clothing. Because I’m very bad at it. In fact, I now just go into Christopher and Banks and buy one of their co-ordinated displays. That way I know a professional had put it all together.
2) What’s the best thing to have to shop for in the mall and why? Smelly stuff from Bath and Body Works. Because the store smells relaxing and invigorating or sensual, depending on where you’re standing. The salespeople are a little pushy, though.
3) What’s your least favorite item of clothing to have to try on? Why? swimsuits/foundations. Obvious reasons.
4) For that matter, do you even try on clothes or do you just purchase and take your chances, figuring you can return them later? I try on very rarely these days.
5) T/F: I have purchased clothing to wear one time and then returned it. (I won’t judge you. Openly. To myself, oh, yes, I will, you hooligan. Otherwise, no, I love you, of course.) That would eat a hole in my conscience, so no.
6) Men: Do you sit in those limbo chairs whilst your wife tries on clothes and try to think of nice things to say about the crap she models for you or do you go elsewhere when she does that?
7) Women: Do you or would you make your man sit in those limbo chairs whilst you try on clothes? If so, uhm, WHY??? (I have no opinion on this.) N/A. The only reason he and I go to the mall together is to go to the movies. But we have never ever done this.
8) Men: T/F I feel completely comfortable in Victoria’s Secret or the lingerie section of any department store.
9) Fill in the blank: A trip to the mall should be no longer than _____________. One hour. Unless it involves a movie.
10) If you hate the mall, how do you make a trip there more bearable? I wear very comfy shoes, so I can move fast. And I buy one of those soft pretzels. If they have a bookstore, I’ll visit that.
11) Women: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you? Don’t shop with friends. I barely shop with myself (see question 1.)
12) Men: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
13) If you go to a mall that has a food court, where would you usually eat? I’m not talking a hostess-leads-you-to-a-table restaurant. I’m talking food court, baby. probably the BBQ place, especially if they have good iced tea. But I usually don’t eat in the food court.
14) What is your favorite store in your local mall?Bath and Body Works
15) T/F: I have had sex in a store dressing room. (Hey, it’s an anthropological question. It’s all for science, I swear.)F
Marisa — Thank you for loving me enough that you’d be willing to lie about dressing room sex. I am all choked up.
1) What’s the worst thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
Anything, for the most part.
2) What’s the best thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?
Suits, because the place I go to for most is right next to an entryway.
3) What’s your least favorite item of clothing to have to try on? Why?
Tailored pants. Unless it’s a she. And that never happens.
4) For that matter, do you even try on clothes or do you just purchase and take your chances, figuring you can return them later?
I always try on any slacks/jeans. Nobody makes them with any consistency anymore
5) T/F: I have purchased clothing to wear one time and then returned it. (I won’t judge you. Openly. To myself, oh, yes, I will, you hooligan. Otherwise, no, I love you, of course.)
Never.
6) Men: Do you sit in those limbo chairs whilst your wife tries on clothes and try to think of nice things to say about the crap she models for you or do you go elsewhere when she does that?
What is this wife of which you speak?
7) Women: Do you or would you make your man sit in those limbo chairs whilst you try on clothes? If so, uhm, WHY??? (I have no opinion on this.)
8) Men: T/F I feel completely comfortable in Victoria’s Secret or the lingerie section of any department store.
With a girlfriend: T. Solo: Oh please dear God, do not let me screw this up.
9) Fill in the blank: A trip to the mall should be no longer than _____________.
Absolutely necessary. Is that a trick question?
10) If you hate the mall, how do you make a trip there more bearable?
By just dropping someone off.
11) Women: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
12) Men: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?
Assuming you mean male friends…WHAT?
13) If you go to a mall that has a food court, where would you usually eat? I’m not talking a hostess-leads-you-to-a-table restaurant. I’m talking food court, baby.
Somewhere else, sorry. There’s no time to eat in a mall, NO TIME!
14) What is your favorite store in your local mall?
The suit place. By the door.
15) T/F: I have had sex in a store dressing room. (Hey, it’s an anthropological question. It’s all for science, I swear.)
T
Totally fake answer to #15:
“Well, I’m not one to give out intimate details, but. . . let’s just say that an attendant came to see what the heck was going on, and four women poked their heads out of their dressing stalls and said, ‘I’ll try on whatever the corner stall has.'”
Tracey, just want to say a couple of things about the mall:
I intensely dislike the mall.
I used to work at the mall.
Some people consider going to the mall as a recreational sport (known as malling).
I intensely dislike trying on anything at the mall.
I have worn something to an event and returned it–but I didn’t do it on purpose.
My husband DOES NOT go to the mall with me–I want to get in and get out–I don’t want anyone slowing me down.
There is no need to be in the mall longer than an hour.
Sex in the dressing room? It happens–as well as other things too disgusting to mention here….
My post got eaten! Was it too long?
Kate P — Hahahahahaha. That works for me!
NF — Maybe you went into moderation for some reason. Lemme check.
Okay. You are not in moderation. What happened?? Is my blog now eating other people’s things?? I can deal if it attacks me, but not my friends. Oh, no. Bad blog. You are in timeout. And remember, blog, this is Miss Tracey, former preschool teacher, who put a kid in timeout in the dress-up corner and promptly forgot about him — until 45 minutes later. So, blog, this could be a while. Just sayin’. You are in timeout in the dress-up corner.
Everyone: Please note that Dave E. has had sex in a dressing room.
Uh…. ok, so I reposted. Allegedly. I’d congratulated myself on some cut-and-paste cleverness so not a word was lost. But here’s the Zen of blogging – if a lost comment refuses to be found, was it ever written at all?
(Schrödinger’s Blog – until you click the link, the post both exists and does not exist.)
Or it could be the lie you asked for. I’ll let you decide for yourself.
NF — Where is your comment?? I can’t find it! I don’t see it! What’s wrong with me? Where IS it??? ACK!!
Dave — Oh, I choose to believe. I do. Yup.