1. I’m back.
2. I think. So I need to get things — perhaps old, stale things to you — off my chest.
3. Uhm, let’s see. Oh. Just so you know: Gay cabaret singer Adam Lambert will win this season of American Idol. But oh yawnnn. He bores me, pippa. In my opinion he’s too specifically gay and needs to tone down his fabulousness if he wants to reach a wider audience. I see him either continuing to work in cabarets and clubs or fronting a band a la Freddie Mercury. I don’t see him as a solo artist. He’s a specific kind of performer, to me. Over the top. Self-indulgent. Clearly, he’s the best singer in the bunch, but … bleeah. The audience seems to love him and I do think he’ll win, but then the audience loved Taylor Hicks, too, and just a couple of weeks ago Hicks couldn’t even succeed in giving away — literally — tickets to his concert. So winning AI is obviously no guarantee of huge success. Lambert always teeters on the edge of being too much for me. Too affected. In that homogenous AI venue … by himself … it doesn’t work for me. Elsewhere, I could see it. Oh, and lose the Liza Minnelli hairdo, hon. Gah. His hair is very discouraging to me. Although my opinion of his hair likely won’t keep him from winning. He’ll win if he can keep his self-indulgence and excesses in check. But, overall, I’m kind of bored with AI these days. I watch intermittently and don’t even know from week to week who gets voted off. Doesn’t hold my attention so much this time around. The outcome seems like a done deal to me.
4. On the other hand, I cannot get enough of America’s Next Top Model. I came to this show late — only started watching a couple of seasons ago. This may sound like a weird word to use, but I love the generosity of this show. Unlike American Idol, which is very guarded and limited about how the contestants are presented, Top Model allows you to see the girls at the house they share, having their cat fights, bitching to the camera, throwing up, you know, whatever model wannabe’s generally do. You get to see what goes into a photo shoot from the perspective of the shoot director, the photographer, the model. You learn what it actually takes to be a model and, guess what, it’s harder than people think. You hear the judges’ critiques to the models’ faces and then you hear their critiques behind their backs, my favorite part. Tyra and her fellow judges are brutal and catty and sometimes hilarious. And that’s what I mean by “generous.” Uhm, not that “brutal and catty and hilarious” equal “generous,” but that we’re given these various perspectives on the business and the process. It’s more dimensional than AI. We’re given more access. You know, American Idol, instead of adding a new strident judge, why not more behind-the-scenes moments? Why not more with the vocal coaching, how the songs are chosen, the ups and downs for the contestants? I imagine it’s because AI is very invested in these carefully calculated images of its potential moneymakers. The producer — Simon Fuller — has a vested interest in their successful careers; they sign contracts with his company. Top Model winners are given contracts with Elite Model Management, so I imagine the producer — Tyra — makes money not from the models’ careers, but from putting out the best show she can. No skin off her nose if the girls are catty bitches, which they frequently are. Just this week, a great moment, a stunning moment during judging. One of the girls, a real whiny self-doubter named Tahlia, kept expressing to anyone who would listen, “I suck. I’m not sure I should be here. Maybe I should go home. I think I wanna go home,” etc. The rest of the girls gathered together and agreed that if anyone else but Tahlia were sent home, they’d be pissed and maybe they should say something, you know? So the photo shoot — where they all posed as immigrants to Ellis Island — comes and goes and, magically, Tahlia’s shot was chosen the best of the week. It WAS amazing. She looked gorgeous. Not only was she not going home; she was TOPS for the week. So this week’s loser is selected and she’s about to hug Tyra goodbye and — oops, wait! — suddenly Celia, the oldest and most mature of the girls, steps up next to the loser and proceeds to throw Tahlia under the bus in front of everybody.
“Tyra, all week long she’s told everyone she doesn’t want to be here, so I don’t think sending someone else home is fair.”
Oh, Celia. Why? You’re one of the best in the house and now you just look petty. And, ohhh, pippa. Tyra ain’t havin’ none of it. Her huge eyes flash in anger.
“You know what I think is unfair, Celia? You saying this. That’s unfair. Tahlia has said nothing to me and nothing to the judges about this. We’ve made our decision. Take your place, Celia.”
Take your place, Celia.
Yeeowwwch. So beautiful and so dismissive.
Celia steps back into line, bows her head, and begins to cry.
Honestly, I cannot get enough of that crap right now.
5. Oh. Very important! A whispered conversation with MB in the pre-show semi-darkness of the theater where I ask him to see if he can pinpoint why I refuse to see the movie Milk.
“I know you know.”
“I do?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Okay.”
“Remember, this is me we’re talking about, so think something stupid, then make it even more stupid.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“Uhh …. you won’t see Milk because it’s called Milk.”
“Thaaat’s right, Crackie! Milk. Meeelk. I mean, what movies have “milk” in their titles? Okay, well, that Milk Money movie with what’s-er-name, uhm … Melanie Griffith. But that’s IT. I mean, what? Lord of the Milk?
“Milk Wars”?
“Milkin’ in the Rain”?
“12 Milky Men”?
“No Country for Old Milk”?
“How Stella Got Her Milk Back”?
We were losing it already, rapidly becoming those people you become wary of as you sit in the movie theater, waiting for the previews — you know, those loud, chatty people you worry will JUST NOT SHUT UP once the movie starts, but we could not help it; our self-amusement knew no bounds. And, basically, with that last one from MB, I was lost. Gone. Shaking in hysterics in my seat, repeating “How Stella Got Her Milk Back, How Stella Got Her Milk Back” over and over. I’m laughing about it right now. (And I did manage to calm down before the movie started.)
How many other fabulous new movies could be created by just changing one word of an old movie to some variation on “milk”? The possibilities are endless. Come on, Hollywood. Step up. I’m giving you gold here.
5. Snippet from the boardroom firing on “Celebrity Apprentice.” I caught a portion of this show last night — oh, who know why? But, apparently, Dennis Rodman is on this version and he’s falling apart, ditching projects, drinking constantly, being a worthless wanker. He seemed completely out of control to me last night and, yes, he does seem drunk most of the time. So the boardroom turns into this impromptu intervention. Hahaha, awesome. SO glad I saw this, because Jesse James, Sandra Bullock’s husband and custom motorcycle entrepreneur, flat out says, “Dennis basically has a drinking problem.” All the other celebs are sitting there — Joan and Melissa Rivers, Herschel Walker, Clint Black, etc., and they agree. They agree it’s bad and sad and Dennis just sits there with his sunglasses and his tats and his piercings looking like a douche. Jesse James, more articulate and savvy than I thought he’d be, continues to BRING IT, but he’s kind about it, empathizes with Rodman, “I used to have a problem, too.” He tells Rodman, “I’ve seen when we’re out on the street working a project together how people’s faces light UP when they see Dennis Rodman, and then when they approach you and try to talk to you, I’ve seen their faces fall with the disappointment of what you’re really like, man. It’s sad. We all like you and know there’s a good guy in there, but you have a problem.”
Others chime in with similar stories because Jesse James had the balls to open the door. Good for him. I mean, Brian McKnight had to tie Rodman’s tie for him, for God’s sake! He’s a mess.
Rodman tries to defend himself. “Phil Jackson said I was the best player he ever coached.”
Trump says, “Better than Michael Jordan?”
“Better than Jordan. Better than anyone. I won five championships. I never gave no one no trouble.”
Football great Herschel Walker chimes in. “But that was the past. We’re talking about the present, Dennis. What are you doing now?”
Ow. But maybe necessary coming from a fellow sports great. Oh, and also? Herschel Walker suffers from dissociative identity disorder, formerly called MPD — I Googled him — but all his team members on “Celebrity Apprentice” talk about what a rock he is, how solid he is. He seems that way. Plus, he’s yummy. Yummy scrummy.
Jesse James again. “All I wanna say is I’m sitting between two sports legends. Notice the difference.”
“You’re saying there’s a huge difference between Dennis and Herschel?” says Trump.
“Yes, sir,” say James.
Rodman interjects. “Outside of this boardroom, I can kick anybody’s ass at ANYTHING!”
“Well, then why don’t you kick our asses at being a good person?” says James.
Pippa, seriously. That has to be the best line on a “reality” show ever. Really, the best line I’ve heard in a long time in any venue: Why don’t you kick our asses at being a good person? Funny and poignant and TRUE. Jesse James is now my hero. Rodman really is messed up. Of course, he was fired, but everybody tried to hug him, wish him well, offer help, etc. It was actually really touching. I hope he got it, but I don’t think he did.
Now, go out and kick ass at being a good person, okay?
Jesse James shows ME that you can’t judge a book by it’s cover… or its past.
I told Sheila — and she concurred — that Adam is a backrub boy.
And we’re all for Kris “Tender Dawg” Allen around our house, because hey, Arkansas represent!
How Stella Got Her Milk Back – oh I got a whole intense post-partum, mastitis drama rolling through my mind with that one. Will she ever be able to nurse again?????
As for other titles…Revenge of the Milk…The Wizard of Milk…(or The Milk of Oz)…The Maltese Milk…Brokeback Milk…100 Years of Milk…
You’re right – it’s GOLD, Tracey!!
Lisa — But he needs to drop the K. Uhm, I don’t mean his name should be “ris,” but CHRIS is good. Kris with a K — on a guy — is somehow blecchy to me.
I didn’t know he was from Arkansas, though. That’s cool! GO, ARKANSAS RIS!! See how much I’m paying attention this season?
Adam, yeah, kinda oogie to me. A backrub boy for sure. Ew.
Jayne — Yeah, How Stella Got Her Milk Back … I could NOT deal with that.
Not quite as sexy if a beleaguered Angela Bassett goes to a tropical paradise for lactation coaching or milk duct massage.
JFH — Yeah, I agree. The little I’ve read on him — he’s definitely got an interesting past, but I just loved what he had to say last night. It was truth spoken with such kindness. And it wasn’t as if he was struggling to be kind or loving. He wasn’t searching for words, measuring them. They seemed to come pouring out of him naturally. I knew even before he owned it that he must have had a prior drinking problem because he had that compassion born of personal experience. I read a recap where some people said, “Well, that should have been private” but I would actually disagree. Rodman was being an ass publicly, cameras were rolling, so I think the impromptu intervention needed to be public if there’s any chance of follow-through on Rodman’s part. Maybe the public nature of it will make him more accountable.
It was painful to watch everyone try to hug him — tiny Joan Rivers next to that giant — and see Rodman really not want it and only half-hug them back. I mean, I think the other celebs were being sincere with him. I do. Take the love people are offering you, dude. You’re lucky they WANT to support you. You’re kind of an ass.
Dennis is an ass and in serious denial. The only thing the guy had to say about one of the most beautiful cities in North America (Vancouver) was that he loved the strip joints. Sad. I just hope and pray that the events of last night and Jesse’s blunt-force truth telling wakes him up.
I used to watch his show now and then. I’ve watched two eps of this season’s Apprentice (not this one you saw) and in both of them Jesse really came across as a solid guy. Not that I was put off by his image; I used to be that image.
Now I am sorry I have not watched Celebrity Apprentice this season! I love that quote, “Kick our asses at being a good person.” That is a motto to live by right there, Jesse James.
Oh,and I guess I need to fess up…I kinda like Adam. Not as much as my darling Danny, but…
Is anyone still talking to me after that admission? Hello? HELLO?
Whoa Girl, you’re back with a vengeance!
MM — I’m imagine that’s gonna be the highlight of the season, though. But, see, now I’m feeling sucked in because of Jesse James!
And you’re allowed to like Adam — he’s good, he IS.
Giovanni — Any comment that makes me sound like an action hero is all right by me, thank you!
#1–yay!
#4–YES. It’s one of my “guilty pleasure TV shows” and the whole bigmouth Celia thing was unbelievable. I can’t wait to watch the fallout this week!
#5–I think the Dairy Council or whatever would be strict regulators about what comes out of Hollywood, so milk’s not reflected in a bad light. You know, like “10 Things I Hate About Milk.”
#5–(uh, second #5) Thank you for explaining who Jesse James is, because after last night I really needed to know! If that “why don’t you kick our asses at being a good person” line isn’t the best ever from a reality show, it’s at least the best ever from that show.
I’ve liked Jesse James since I saw him on Discovery’s Monster Garage. I gained more respect for him last night. Honestly, I don’t think the others would have had the courage, or the balls, to say what he said to Dennis last night. I hope his marriage to Sandra Bullock remains strong. She’s got a good man.
The Milk thing is totally killing me.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Milk (there’s so much we didn’t know about Nicolas Flamel!)
Harry Potter and the Milk of Secrets (provocative! What secrets does the milk have?!)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Milk (he had to see the movie, stuck behind teenagers or tracey and MB)
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Milk (don’t spill it, Harry! Don’t spill it! The wizarding world is counting on you to not spill the goblet of milk!)
Harry Potter and the Milk of the Phoenix (poor Fawkes!)
Harry Potter and the Milk-Blood Prince (Ew, Snape. Just ew.)
Harry Potter and the Deathly Milk (Ron and Harry better stop complaining about Hermione’s cooking, or they’re gonna get… the Deathly Milk.)
Whole new meanings, trace. And yeah, I’ve judged movies by their milks–names, I mean. There have been several I’ve refused to see due to their names.
I’m not over Idol yet, but they really HAVE to get rid of Kahra. She talks so long on every contestant that they’re always having to cut short the comments on the last two contestants. Also, she’s the most emo judge I’ve ever seen, more emo than Paula, with her pounding the table and how she feeeeeels so strongly about everything. And she’s not even drunk, so where’s the fun in the emo?
Top 3 will be Danny, Adam, and Allison. Danny had better win, or the show will have an absolute disaster on their hands–Adam won’t sell much unless he puts out a showtunes album.
Beauty and the Geek is my favorite behind-the-scenes reality show, but I haven’t watched Top Model (I used to see clips on the Soup, but I’ve gotten so tired of Joel’s moral superiority and Keith Olbermann’s guest appearances that I’ve stopped watching). I do find myself looking more forward to the Amazing Race than Idol this season–probably because of Kahra.
Ok, sorry to write so much. I’m gonna try to kick milk at being a good person today. Gotta go, I’m reading New Milk, and I really want to get to the part where Edward comes back.
OK, emo is probably the wrong word for Kahra. Overly emotive is what I’m going for, but she’s not really sad enough for emo.
Thanks to this post, I have now learned what I can kick ass at in life. Thank you.
Too bad there’s no money (and less fame) in kicking ass at being a good person. (Or maybe I should do my own thing and instead call it “kicking ass at being a NICE person.” Because nice I can totally do.)
The milk thing is killing me. “How Stella Got Her Milk Back” is genius, as is “Ten Things I Hate About Milk.”
The Milkman Always Rings Twice
Planet of the Milk (“Get your stinkin’ hooves off me, you damn dirty cow!”)
Milk Fiction
Milking Two: Electric Boogaloo
Gone With the Milk
And of course… “Milk… the final frontier.”
I got away from blogging ANTM for the Water Cooler, but Celia makes me wish I hadn’t this season. That was astounding. Tyra handled it so well. (And it was probably the right decision re: Kortnie, if only because her name is SPELLED WRONG.)
Tyra is a confirmed Crazy Person but I actually mean that as a compliment (yeah, I know how that sounds). She’s completely genuine at all times, and not particularly concerned with how it will make other people think of her. I absolutely love that. She is perfectly over-the-top and INSANE sometimes. I remember a couple of cycles ago, something similar happened in judging when the girl who got the last photo said “Wait a minute, this isn’t fair, I don’t think I belong here,” Tyra stared her down and said, “The most unattractive thing in the world to me is a quitter – so YOU ARE DISMISSED.” Tyra was like a queen literally banishing a traitor, and it sounded so corny and overblown, but it was perfect. That “be fierce” stuff isn’t an act.
I rather wish Tyra was judging on Idol instead of Kara, actually. She’d rock.
The Jesse James thing on Apprentice sounds incredible. I’ll have to clue in the Ladybug. We watched the last go-round with Piers Morgan and Trace Adkins (“wheat-grass juice,” heheheh). A great deal of fun. We just didn’t have any time in the schedule for that show on top of Idol and ANTM, and Hell’s Kitchen, which is now sucking us in. Unfortunately the contestants all have worse potty mouths than Gordon Ramsay, if you can believe it. The interviews all sound like they’re phoning Tashkent with a pre-paid calling card. He makes it worth it, though. I really think that it hurts his feelings when they mess up badly because he genuinely cares about good food and good cooking.
Man, it’s so good to have this blog back! It’s like a big in-print group hug. Thanks Tracey!
We must have the Disney list of Milk movies…
Snow White and the Milk Dwarfs
Milkoccio
Make Mine Milk
Peter Milk
Alice in Milkland
Lady and the Milk
The Sword in the Milk
The Emperor’s New Milk
It could just go on and on…
I really need to do a public service announcement warning a certain type of young girl about the dangers of Backrub Boys. SOME girls may loooove that type of guy, and fine, have at him, PLEASE, but if you don’t like that type, and if, even more so, he makes your skin crawl? It’s best to recognize the signs.
And yes, Lisa, you nailed it!!!
And it’s posts like these that make me reaaaaally miss having a television.
Yes, I can go Youtube all of this stuff promptly – and believe me, I will!!
// go TO Youtube TO SEE all of this stuff // …
You know. Preview problems.
sarahk — Danny won’t win. I don’t know why, can’t put my finger on it, but I’m getting a feeling that he won’t win. Isn’t he a Christian and a worship leader? Yeah, that’s why.
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Milk” — hahahahaha.
“Milk” is just a funny word, let’s face it.
ricki — Yeah, “Nice” is a lot easier than “good,” isn’t it?
NF — /(â€Get your stinkin’ hooves off me, you damn dirty cow!â€)/ Hahahahahaha! Totally different movie.
sheila — You need to get caught up on this season’s Top Model! Tomorrow night is gonna be good: THE CELIA FALLOUT.
And I like Celia. She’s the most model-esque of all the girls, but she’s 25, so she’s just OLD OLD OLD, you know?
The preview for this week showed her fretting, “I’m gone. Tyra hates me. I’m gone.”
CAN. NOT. WAIT.
Tracey – holy smokes… that will be epic. I mean, after that move not only did she destroy her chances in competition, she pretty much nuked whatever modeling career she could have hoped for, right?
Well, I think “nice” is more measurable than “good.”
And also I’ve had it drummed in my head that as soon as you consider yourself a ‘good’ person, you’re being prideful and a bunch of other junk, so the catch-22 is you’re not really so GOOD after all.
I don’t know really whether I’m “good” in a cosmic sense or not. But “nice” I can decide on…the student who has a grandparent in the hospital, and who e-mails me to apologize to me for missing lab and to see if they can hand in the lab that was due a day late…well, I can either be a hard-ass and say “no” or I can be nice and say “yes.” And assuming the student isn’t playing me (and may karma come and get them if they do), I can do a nice thing for them by saying “yes,” I can do something to remove one little burden from their mind.
What’s a backrub boy?
Sarah – they are ubiquitous in theatre departments the world over, but I think you can run into them anywhere. They are boys who always describe themselves as “nice” (but look out – they WANT something for being “nice” – they’ve got a chip on their shoulder about it – they’re the ones who say, resentfully, “I’m a nice guy – why don’t girls want to go out with me?” Maybe stop being a creep, how ’bout? Moving on) … and yet nobody really wants to date them, and so they enjoy saying to girls in their crowd, “You look stressed – want a backrub?” Or – worse – they don’t even ask. And just come over and start massaging your shoulders. It is manipulative. There were a couple of “backrub boys” in my theatre department – and within a year of knowing them, I knew to just say, “No. I don’t want a backrub. Go away.” It was their way of touching a girl – and seeming like they were “sensitive” and all about the girl – but no, it was all about them.
I have met “backrub boys” out in the real world, so I know they aren’t just theatre geeks.
I love that Lisa emailed me and basically said, “Adam Lambert is a backrub boy.” hahahahaha It’s a great shorthand for that TYPE of guy!
I would imagine that Star Trek conventions, comic cons, sci fi conventions, Renaissance Fairs also run rampant with backrub boys. At least from what I’ve heard they do.
Ah, I enjoy reveling in huge generalizations!
To be clear: not that all the people who enjoy those things are “backrub boys” – of course they’re not – but certain communities seem to foster that TYPE of guy, and believe me, I know of what I speak. I have lived in Backrub Boy Central, and believe me, it ain’t pretty.
On AI: Being an adopted Memphian, I am routing for Lil Rounds, but I’m not paying strong attention to this season either. As a whole, I think the contestants are better this year than I’ve seen, but that’s actually made the show kind of dull.
On “backrub boys”: I can indeed confirm their existence at these various cons. I can also confrim the existence of the “backrub girl” at cons – the girls who know exactly what these guys are all about and play it to their advantage. It’s a weird symbiosis. But nothing can cure you of potentially being one of these persons faster than seeing it acted out.
Cullen – Ha! I knew they’d be there at cons!! Just could sense it!
I cannot speak to backrub girls, although I am sure they exist. I only know that backrub boys are tremendously annoying for women who like a guy with a bit more oomph, who doesn’t seem ANGRY when he tells you how “nice” he is. Get your hands off my back, please, mkay? I am not up for grabs.
Oh, and church groups. I have noticed the presence of many backrub boys at the various church groups I have been involved in.
I seriously need to write a scholarly dissertation about all of this.
Ahhhhh. Thanks for the definition, sheila. Yeah, he’s that guy.
You know the type, right?
Okay, so I just watched the showdown between Tyra and Celia on Youtube, and got all goosebumpy – I would be WAY afraid to go back into that house if I were Celia.
I need to find out what happens next.
I thought Tyra’s smackdown was quite eloquent and simple. No kindergarten teacher could have said it better.
I am now totally invested in every single person I saw in the clip. LOVE that show!!
Oh yes, sheila, I do.
After all this, I had to water cooler the ANTM results. Up now. And I’m going to sleep.