Just put this together in honor of the day:
(Copy and paste into comments — thankee)
1. What are you wearing for today’s inauguration? Better yet, WHO are you wearing?
2. If you are the new president, what do you feel is the ideal length for your inauguration speech?
3. What is/was on the menu for your personal inaugural lunch today?
4. You are now president. You’re at the ball tonight, first dance. Will you waltz or just shuffle your feet in a slow dance like a junior high kid? Look. I don’t judge.
5. You’re President Obama. How do you solve a problem like Oprah Winfrey?
6. With which former president do you express a kinship? You have to express a kinship, you know.
7. Please tell me what happens when you, as the new president, need to use the bathroom today. Do you even get to? Do you just dehydrate yourself so you won’t have to? Where do you go to the bathroom? And do the Secret Service come in with you? Will you ever have bathroom privacy again?? (Answer any of these pressing questions you wish.)
8. On the radio this morning, I heard someone suggest that, as he’s leaving, President Bush should say, “I quit this bitch.” If you were President Bush today, what did you say under your breath as the helicopter flew away?
9. Do you have a crush on Lester Holt? Look. I don’t judge.
10. As president, what kind of first puppy do you get?
Please execute faithfully the answers …. I mean, faithfully execute the answers … I mean, so help you — I mean me — God — or someone — to this survey.
1. What are you wearing for today’s inauguration? Better yet, WHO are you wearing?
Who am I wearing? Are they living or not? That would alter the answer drastically. What am I wearing? Clothes, I hope, and preferably very warm ones. Three piece suite, large heavy overcoat, and a hat. Why don’t politicians wear hats outside? William Henry Harrison ring a bell?
2. If you are the new president, what do you feel is the ideal length for your inauguration speech?
Those’re done outside in January. Ideal length is about as long as it takes to say, “Hi America, I’ll work hard, thanks for inviting me!”
3. What is/was on the menu for your personal inaugural lunch today?
Steak fajitas, spicy crawfish vegetable soup (had this the other day and it was awesome), tater tots, Mountain Dew, Boston Creme Pie.
4. You are now president. You’re at the ball tonight, first dance. Will you waltz or just shuffle your feet in a slow dance like a junior high kid? Look. I don’t judge.
Shuffle the feet. I’m the President of the United States. No one else will judge either. They’ll wish they could shuffle their feet in my new position too.
5. You’re President Obama. How do you solve a problem like Oprah Winfrey?
I find that sudden onset deafness in the presence of problems like that works well.
6. With what former president do you express a kinship? You have to express a kinship, you know.
Andrew Jackson. When someone tried to assassinate him, aides had to pull Jackson off of the guy before he beat the guy to death. Him or George Washington. I want to be the guy who is gutsy enough to ride into a battle having several horses shot out from under me without flinching.
7. Please tell me what happens when you, as the new president, need to use the bathroom today. Do you even get to? Do you just dehydrate yourself so you won’t have to? Where do you go to the bathroom? And do the Secret Service come in with you? Will you ever have bathroom privacy again?? (Answer any of these pressing questions you wish.)
Always in privacy. Secret Service can check the room out and even pull out the ceiling tiles if it makes them feel better, but then they leave some privacy. I think I’d dehyrdate a bit for the outdoors stuff and start consuming fluids the minute I’m inside again.
8. On the radio this morning, I heard someone suggest that, as he’s leaving, President Bush should say, “I quit this bitch.†If you were President Bush today, what did you say under your breath as the helicopter flew away?
“Let’s see how much you like dealing with those 535 egos down the street, now that you’re no longer one of them.”
9. Do you have a crush on Lester Holt? Look. I don’t judge.
Not my type. I prefer females. It’s a guy thing (for most guys anyway).
10. As president, what kind of first puppy do you get?
None. Love dogs. Other people’s dogs.
Please execute faithfully the answers …. I mean, faithfully execute the answers … I mean, so help you — I mean me — God — or someone — to this survey.
I’d like to execute some stuff, so help me. Can I give you a list?
1. What are you wearing for today’s inauguration? Better yet, WHO are you wearing?
I’m wearing a lovely brown ensemble, pants and sweater, by some company I’ve never heard of. Shoes by Nine West.
2. If you are the new president, what do you feel is the ideal length for your inauguration speech?
Ten minutes.
3. What is/was on the menu for your personal inaugural lunch today?
I had a Lean Cuisine chicken fried rice and a large handful of pecans.
4. You are now president. You’re at the ball tonight, first dance. Will you waltz or just shuffle your feet in a slow dance like a junior high kid? Look. I don’t judge.
I will dance THE FORBIDDEN DANCE!
5. You’re President Obama. How do you solve a problem like Oprah Winfrey?
Give her some ribs. That’ll keep her quiet for a least a couple of weeks.
6. With what former president do you express a kinship? You have to express a kinship, you know.
Lincoln, I guess. We’re both from Illinois.
7. Please tell me what happens when you, as the new president, need to use the bathroom today. Do you even get to? Do you just dehydrate yourself so you won’t have to? Where do you go to the bathroom? And do the Secret Service come in with you? Will you ever have bathroom privacy again?? (Answer any of these pressing questions you wish.)
I think they stand outside the stall. I hope Obama doesn’t have stage fright.
8. On the radio this morning, I heard someone suggest that, as he’s leaving, President Bush should say, “I quit this bitch.†If you were President Bush today, what did you say under your breath as the helicopter flew away?
I would hang out of my helicopter screaming, “Y’all ain’t seen the last of me, f***ers!!!!”
9. Do you have a crush on Lester Holt? Look. I don’t judge.
I try to not watch network news, but I am only about three degrees separated from Mr. Holt. He is a member of the Manhattan Church of Christ, and I know several people who are involved in their ministry or who attend there.
10. As president, what kind of first puppy do you get?
French bulldog.
Patrick — Great answers. I’ve wondered that too, about hats. I love hats on men. Where are the hats?? Someone needs to bring back hats.
Tater tots! Woo hoo! Awesome addition to an inaugural brunch, in my opinion.
And “sudden deafness” re the Oprah Winfrey problem is probably a good solution.
Lisa — You will dance The Lambada??
/You’re President Obama. How do you solve a problem like Oprah Winfrey?
Give her some ribs. That’ll keep her quiet for a least a couple of weeks./
HAHAHAHAHAHA! That is brilliant.
And does the Secret Service really stand outside the stall?? Well, that’s it. I can never be president.
(Oh, please forgive me. I put asterisks in the eff word because I am a delicate flower.)
Also, wait. A French bulldog? French?? Are you allowed to do that? I say no. NO, Lisa!
But they’re so squishy! And snorty! How about we call it Freedom Bulldog?
1. What are you wearing for today’s inauguration? Better yet, WHO are you wearing?
Head to toe fur. Just to piss people off.
2. If you are the new president, what do you feel is the ideal length for your inauguration speech?
I like Woodrow Wilson’s speech. I think it was all of 5 minutes long.
3. What is/was on the menu for your personal inaugural lunch today?
Chicken McNuggets with sweet ‘n sour sauce.
4. You are now president. You’re at the ball tonight, first dance. Will you waltz or just shuffle your feet in a slow dance like a junior high kid? Look. I don’t judge.
I think the dance from Thriller would suffice.
5. You’re President Obama. How do you solve a problem like Oprah Winfrey?
You don’t allow her to include the books you wrote in her Book Club.
6. With what former president do you express a kinship? You have to express a kinship, you know.
William Henry Harrison. I mean, who really remembers that guy except that he spoke too long in the rain at his inauguration and then promptly died? I feel a kinship with that man.
7. Please tell me what happens when you, as the new president, need to use the bathroom today. Do you even get to? Do you just dehydrate yourself so you won’t have to? Where do you go to the bathroom? And do the Secret Service come in with you? Will you ever have bathroom privacy again?? (Answer any of these pressing questions you wish.)
I have huge bathroom anxiety so bathroom issues would be HIGH on my list of priorities.
8. On the radio this morning, I heard someone suggest that, as he’s leaving, President Bush should say, “I quit this bitch.†If you were President Bush today, what did you say under your breath as the helicopter flew away?
“Thank God I can go home now and eat wings and just watch some baseball.”
9. Do you have a crush on Lester Holt? Look. I don’t judge.
I do not. I am more of a Matt Lauer guy, but I do not judge. Let me know if there is anything else I can do. I have already fielded a request to basically assault Tiki Barber, from my friend Beth’s husband.
10. As president, what kind of first puppy do you get?
I do not. I bring Hope. Hope and change? Nah, just Hope.
1. What are you wearing for today’s inauguration? Better yet, WHO are you wearing?
I wore an ensemble of Old Navy and Matterhorn
2. If you are the new president, what do you feel is the ideal length for your inauguration speech?
No longer than 5 minutes. I’ve been a part of enough change-of-command ceremonies to know that you’ve got to say your piece, it’s expected, but brevity is a good thing.
3. What is/was on the menu for your personal inaugural lunch today?
Pepperoni and cheese sammiches
4. You are now president. You’re at the ball tonight, first dance. Will you waltz or just shuffle your feet in a slow dance like a junior high kid? Look. I don’t judge.
Shuffle. Yeah, I don’t dance.
5. You’re President Obama. How do you solve a problem like Oprah Winfrey?
I’d give her an ambassadorship. We’d never have to see her again.
6. With what former president do you express a kinship? You have to express a kinship, you know.
I like Theodore Roosevelt, but I am no where near as active as he was.
7. Please tell me what happens when you, as the new president, need to use the bathroom today. Do you even get to? Do you just dehydrate yourself so you won’t have to? Where do you go to the bathroom? And do the Secret Service come in with you? Will you ever have bathroom privacy again?? (Answer any of these pressing questions you wish.)
There are always bathroom stops planned into these schedules, you just never get to see them. I mean, really, what are you going to say to the new or about-to-be president if he says, “Hey, I’m going to take a quick piss?” The Secret Service guys hang out outside the door.
8. On the radio this morning, I heard someone suggest that, as he’s leaving, President Bush should say, “I quit this bitch.†If you were President Bush today, what did you say under your breath as the helicopter flew away?
Good luck, sucker.
9. Do you have a crush on Lester Holt? Look. I don’t judge.
No
10. As president, what kind of first puppy do you get?
I like cats.
1. What are you wearing for today’s inauguration? Better yet, WHO are you wearing?
Right now I’m wearing my normal business casual. If it was me getting sword in (and for the first time, I’m Constitutionally eligible!) I’m wearing a tux, immaculately tailored, with classic bow tie. I may get Q Branch to rig up some tear gas cufflinks or something if I’m feeling mischevious.
2. If you are the new president, what do you feel is the ideal length for your inauguration speech?
At the very least, shorter than William Henry Harrison’s. (I’m a long-winded doofus, but I’d try to get everyone back indoors short of fifteen minutes.)
3. What is/was on the menu for your personal inaugural lunch today?
Special occasion! I’d like some tandoori, seasoned rice, saag paneer (sp?), a nice Italian-style garden soup, and a coffee milkshake. (Hey, it’s my inauguration, right?)
Alas, in real life I had McDonald’s. The Wii Fit is going to scold me. I deserve it.
4. You are now president. You’re at the ball tonight, first dance. Will you waltz or just shuffle your feet in a slow dance like a junior high kid? Look. I don’t judge.
I’m no dancer. I managed not to break half of Ladybug’s toes during our wedding, so I can fake a waltz, but let’s not have too many Presidential Balls in front of the other countries, mkay?
5. You’re President Obama. How do you solve a problem like Oprah Winfrey?
I’d send Tom Cruise to her house to jump on every couch she owns.
6. With what former president do you express a kinship? You have to express a kinship, you know.
I like the guys like Andy Jackson and Theodore Roosevelt, who brooked no guff. I brook rather large amounts of guff in everyday life, and I like role models who inspire me to work to overcome my weaknesses. For the same reason, I like the famously taciturn Calvin Coolidge.
7. Please tell me what happens when you, as the new president, need to use the bathroom today. Do you even get to? Do you just dehydrate yourself so you won’t have to? Where do you go to the bathroom? And do the Secret Service come in with you? Will you ever have bathroom privacy again?? (Answer any of these pressing questions you wish.)
Hey, I’ve got my cufflinks, remember. I think I can handle whatever trouble the bathroom may hold. Oh, and I’d also be packing heat. It’s all part of my No Guff Doctrine.
8. On the radio this morning, I heard someone suggest that, as he’s leaving, President Bush should say, “I quit this bitch.†If you were President Bush today, what did you say under your breath as the helicopter flew away?
“Finally, the easiest part of the job.”
9. Do you have a crush on Lester Holt? Look. I don’t judge.
Who?
10. As president, what kind of first puppy do you get?
I already have the Official Puppy. But the White House is also big enough for a kitteh, and that would definitely happen.
The other answers are killing me, btw. “The Forbidden Dance!” Heh. We danced the Mamushka while Nero fiddled… we danced the Mamushka at Waterloo… we danced the Mamushka at the Inauguration… And now, this Mamushka is for you! And “give her some ribs” is mean, but fun.
sheila — /Head to toe fur. Just to piss people off./
Or you could wear brown wool leg wraps, just to be an iconoclast. 😉
/William Henry Harrison. I mean, who really remembers that guy except that he spoke too long in the rain at his inauguration and then promptly died? I feel a kinship with that man./
Hahahahaha.
And, clearly, the questions about bathroom issues just SCREAM with my personal neuroses.
Why does Beth’s husband want Tiki Barber assaulted? He’s yummy.
Cullen — So the Secret Service guys are not in the bathroom with you, right? Still, having them wait outside, timing me, wondering what my problem is, JUDGING me and my toilet habits. No. NO. Cross “be President” off my To Do list, definitely.
Tracey – brown wool leg wraps!!!! Your memory is amazing!
Beth’s husband wants me to assault Tiki Barber WITH LOVE – not with scorn. It’s like he cannot live another day without a signed photo, jersey, memorabilia cup … I really need to make that happen. How can I get to Tiki???
1. What are you wearing for today’s inauguration? Better yet, WHO are you wearing?
–Umm… Wal-Mart turtleneck, Sears sweater and Sears khaki pants, Wal-Mart socks, Skechers oxfords. Sam Moon rainbow pendant on Sam Moon necklace. Stainless steel body piercings from the local tattoo shop. 🙂
2. If you are the new president, what do you feel is the ideal length for your inauguration speech?
–About three words. Give or take three or four.
3. What is/was on the menu for your personal inaugural lunch today?
–Wavy Lay’s potato chips and cheese dip.
4. You are now president. You’re at the ball tonight, first dance. Will you waltz or just shuffle your feet in a slow dance like a junior high kid? Look. I don’t judge.
–I dance like a maniac, like the guys on Breakfast Club.
5. You’re President Obama. How do you solve a problem like Oprah Winfrey?
–Wave a pork roast under her nose and distract her long enough to get away. Except that the pork roast would distract me, too, so it would all be for naught.
6. With what former president do you express a kinship? You have to express a kinship, you know.
–William Henry Harrison.
7. Please tell me what happens when you, as the new president, need to use the bathroom today. Do you even get to? Do you just dehydrate yourself so you won’t have to? Where do you go to the bathroom? And do the Secret Service come in with you? Will you ever have bathroom privacy again?? (Answer any of these pressing questions you wish.)
–Astronaut-strength Depends, dude.
8. On the radio this morning, I heard someone suggest that, as he’s leaving, President Bush should say, “I quit this bitch.†If you were President Bush today, what did you say under your breath as the helicopter flew away?
–Where’s my bag of Wavy Lay’s?
9. Do you have a crush on Lester Holt? Look. I don’t judge.
–Lester who? Oh, I just Googled him. I know why I don’t have the first clue who he is. I don’t watch NBC. But I don’t judge either, so fantasize about whoever you wish.
10. As president, what kind of first puppy do you get?
A Shih-tese, of course. hehe
::sigh:: Tiki. Although, he is quite a wee man — judging from his appearance on Project Runway — so you might be stepping over him in the hall without knowing it.
Who was that tiny purple-striped flash in the hallway?
Ah, nobody. Just Tiki.
I didn’t know he was wee. Is he wee? How wee is he?
Dr. Seuss?
My eyes are playing tricks on me. At split-second glance, I read “tiny purple-striped flash” as “tiny purple starfish.”
Who was that tiny purple starfish in the hallway?
Ah, nobody. Just Tiki.
This is how my brain works. Sighhh ….
NF — How did I miss your answers? Okay, let’s review:
~ First, please do not get “sword in.” I would find that upsetting. (Couldn’t let that typo go, nope, no way.)
~ Coffee milkshake …. mmmmmm …..
~ And I love your “No Guff Doctrine.” It needs to be a worldwide movement. NO GUFF! OR WE KICK YOU IN THE NADS!
~ And, yes, your Official Puppy is to die for. I fear I would totally turn into Lennie Small around your official puppy: “I was jus’ pettin’ it and pettin’ it …”
G-Dazz – (I saw that NF calls you “G-Dazz” which seems cooler than what I call you. I’m the George W. Bush of nicknames. Whatevs.)
Okay. This cracked me up:
/Wave a pork roast under her nose and distract her long enough to get away. Except that the pork roast would distract me, too, so it would all be for naught./
I’m loving everyone’s ideas for Oprah management.
He’s shorter than Heidi Klum. I figured he’s only 5’8″ or so on a good day.
Google says 5’10”.
This scope of this comment thread is killing me.
1. What are you wearing for today’s inauguration? Better yet, WHO are you wearing?
Uh, at the time the prez took the oath, I was wearing PJ’s. (I worked 3:00 to close which was about an hour ago.) Pink and white striped bottoms and a top that said, “I will try not to daydream about boys. :)”
2. If you are the new president, what do you feel is the ideal length for your inauguration speech?
I’d borrow from the Oscars and definitely have music cutting me off after a couple minutes as I read from an index card I had tucked in my cleavage.
3. What is/was on the menu for your personal inaugural lunch today?
It was a small salad from the salad bar at the little grocery store down the street. It had three bean salad in it, so I guess that was pretty festive. If I were to plan a real one, I’d totally do brunch. With mimosas.
4. You are now president. You’re at the ball tonight, first dance. Will you waltz or just shuffle your feet in a slow dance like a junior high kid? Look. I don’t judge.
The first dance is “Blitzkrieg Bop” by the Ramones, so I might be pogo-ing or something.
5. You’re President Obama. How do you solve a problem like Oprah Winfrey?
Draw up an executive order preventing her from appearing in public until she can pass the President’s Physical Fitness Test.
6. With which former president do you express a kinship? You have to express a kinship, you know.
Taft–he ain’t heavy, he’s my muse.
7. Please tell me what happens when you, as the new president, need to use the bathroom today. Do you even get to? Do you just dehydrate yourself so you won’t have to? Where do you go to the bathroom? And do the Secret Service come in with you? Will you ever have bathroom privacy again?? (Answer any of these pressing questions you wish.)
I’d call up Clinton for tips. For some reason I think he’d be the go-to guy.
8. On the radio this morning, I heard someone suggest that, as he’s leaving, President Bush should say, “I quit this bitch.†If you were President Bush today, what did you say under your breath as the helicopter flew away?
“Hee hee, I hid a piece of bleu cheese in the Oval Office and it’s gonna take them weeks to find the smell!”
9. Do you have a crush on Lester Holt? Look. I don’t judge.
Well. . . there do seem to be a few things about him that would render him crush-worthy. He’s got a nice smile.
10. As president, what kind of first puppy do you get?
(Can anyone really top Hope?) I’d rather have several cats, but if required to have a dog, I’d adopt a senior dog from the local shelter. That would be cool if it sparked a trend.
Kate P — Hahahaha on the image of G-Dub leaving a wedge of bleu cheese in the Oval Office!
Well, didn’t some interns take the W’s off the computer keyboards before he took office? Turnabout is fair play.
O.K., I’ll admit it: the idea isn’t originally mine. Someone related it in one of those confession pages that “Cosmo” or whatever women’s magazine has. Said she heard her ex-boss had the whole office stripped and recarpeted before the cheese was found. Gross but totally hilarious.
BTW this questionnaire and everybody’s responses really cheered me up today. 🙂 Loved them.
Sheila-Maybe you, me, Lester, Tikki and Tom could all go out for a drink…
Tom can lift Tikki up onto one of those tall chairs at the bar…
Kate P — Really? Someone did the bleu cheese thing as revenge or something? Now don’t be tempting me to leave a cheese wedge behind in my home ….
Beth — Hey! I want in on that!
Tracey definitely needs to join!! She and Lester can share a chocolate malt, and Tom can scoop Tiki up in his arms and place him on the bar in a booster seat.
What has happened to me.
Well, if the person telling the story to the magazine was telling the truth, then yes. Ohhhhh I am such a bad influence. . .
sheila — Hahahaha. I like chocolate malts. This is all coming together nicely.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAH! The image of Tom gently buckling Tikki into a booster seat, as Tracey and Lester share a chocolate malt (one glass, two straws…) is freaking KILLING me!!!!