a random list of what i’m not wearing

To the fellow who made a comment — which went into moderation because I’ve never heard from you before — demanding to know “So are you or are you not wearing makeup in those photos?”:

First, wow. Whoa. Just wowie zowie wow WOW. Kind of an odd and strangely hostile query.

Second, uhm, no. No, I’m not. Really, I don’t generally get myself all gussied up for a date with my cell phone camera. I am not a Real Housewife of the OC.

And how wrong of me not to engage in full disclosure with you, a total stranger.

Seriously, I cannot fathom why you would ask that. It’s either, Uh, you look okay without makeup or Girrl, you need to slap on some Lancome, and whichever one it is, it is completely bizarre to me. On top of that, to demand to know and say nothing else? To have that be your first attempt at a comment? Just a tad icky and — well, off — for my taste.

But to spare you from asking any further questions or making any further demands — and to mend my horrible, withholding ways, here’s a list of some other things — albeit woefully incomplete and off the top of my currently very grumpy head — that I am also NOT wearing in the aforementioned photos, ‘mkay, lambchop?

~ okay, so makeup

~ shoes

~ socks

~ earrings

~ toe rings

~ a watch

~ a red Kablahblah bracelet

~ a kerchief

~ a cod piece

~ a snood

~ a frock

~ a dickey

~ a cravat

~ a petticoat

~ a corset

~ a jerkin

~ a merkin

~ “spurs that jingle jangle jingle”

~ a girdle

~ Dr. Scholl’s inserts

~ corn pads

~ an ‘Ove Glove

~ a zoot suit

~ a union suit

~ warm woolen mittens

~ a lightning scar because I am not Harry Potter

~ Crest White Strips

~ blue suede shoes

~ “an itsy-bitsy teeny-weenie yellow polka-dot bikini”

~ a dress made of credit cards

~ a rose tattoo

~ Sarah Palin glasses because I am not Sarah Palin

~ an Oscar Mayer wiener whistle

~ day of the week underwear

~ scissorhands

~ beef grinds

~ “vomit on my sweater already, mom’s spaghetti”

~ an eye patch, tho’ that would have been very cool

~ a raspberry beret

~ a coat of many colors

~ anything with kitties

~ fishnet stockings

~ fish

~ a swastika on my forehead because I am not Charles Manson

~ my heart on my sleeve

~ an Easter bonnet with all the frills upon it

~ a chastity belt

~ pasties

~ anything that’s been “Bedazzled”

~ Pull-ups

~ a TV box with my phone number painted on it because I only have to do freshman initiation once, thank you

~ Grandpa Walton denim overalls

~ coke spoon fingernails

~ a Nana

~ a toilet paper mummy costume

~ a bullet bra

~ parachute pants

~ “rings on my fingers and bells on my toes”

~ a skater onesie

~ a Speedo because I am not Michael Phelps or a 1970s oily Arnold Schwarzenegger

~ a Girl scout vest

~ a latex ape chest

~ a poodle skirt

~ a Schnoodle skirt

~ a Magnadoodle skirt

~ a fake arrow through the head

~ for that matter, a live chicken in my underwear

~ for that matter, cruel shoes

~ Scarlett O’Hara’s green velvet curtain gown that she wore to convince an imprisoned Rhett to give her the $300 to pay the taxes on Tara

~ Ingrid Bergman’s hat from the end of Casablanca when Rick gives her the maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life speech

~ the red shoes from The Red Shoes

~ ruby slippers

~ blue velvet

~ a yellow ribbon because I am not an oak tree

~ a tricorn hat

~ platform shoes with an aquarium heel

~ a burqa

~ a creepy, inappropriate, and vaguely threatening curiosity about total strangers

… yeeeah ….. okay …. mama’s tired of listing ……

All righty. There you go, stranger. An incomplete list of other things I’m also not wearing in the aforementioned photos. I know it doesn’t cover everything — how could it — but I tried. I did. I really tried to put to rest at least some of the other niggling questions that may be tormenting you. My dear readers can help me add to the list, if they like — only in the spirit of the existing list, of course.

Mama’s tired and grumpy now and even makeup would not help me.

So, yeah.

Yeaaah …..