Here are the opening sentences of a popular Christian novel:
Garret Steele gripped the saddle with his thighs and held on to the horn with his left hand as the buckskin gelding beneath him set its front legs, then darted in the opposite direction in pursuit of the wily calf. The heifer was as range wild as any Garret had ever seen, but he and old Buck had been herding cows together for many years. They weren’t about to be outsmarted by beef on the hoof.
Uhh …. is it me? “Beef on the hoof”? “Wily calf”? I find this …. somewhat cheesy, really, and although I do like cheese on my beef, this does nothing for me. Why, oh, why is so much Christian fiction set in the gun-slingin’, cow-ropin’, tobacky-spittin’ Old West? Was it just a simpler time? Morals and mores less hazy than now? Or is it really the secret dream of every Christian (but this one) to live in a time where men had “callused hands” and “gripped the saddle with their thighs” and women had “flouncy petticoats” and “swooned at the sight of a man gripping the saddle with his thighs”?
I guess that is more exciting than swooning at the sight of a man taking out the trash.
Still, I’m genuinely asking: IS it me? Do I just need to simmer down, li’l lady? If it isn’t just me, then may I say there’s hope for all of us as writers? And if it IS just me, well …. there’s something wrong with you, pardner. 😉
Maybe the secret lies in writing about those cunning cows. Heck, I’ll give it a try. I just wrote about pigs, for Pete’s sake.
A-HA!! That’s it! My work of Christian fiction will be all pigs. No people. People are irritating, unpredictable, not as tasty. My porcine hero will have “callused hooves,” but still “grip the saddle with his little piggy thighs.” My porky heroine will have, well, if not “flouncy petticoats,” then certainly the “curliest li’l tail west o’ the Mississippi.” And, of course, she’ll swoon at the whole gripping piggy thigh thing. Who wouldn’t?
And this is Christian fiction, right? So my pigs will romp Old Testament through the pages: an unclean, unholy band of cow-pokin’ porkers plundering the countryside. They will be feared and reviled and spoken of only in hushed tones. No one will dare touch them for they are unclean. Their name …. will be Legion.
Of course, this is all just a rough sketch. And I probably shouldn’t drink before I blog. But I do know if I tell the tale in flashbacks — the very end at the very beginning — the first sentence of this unparalleled work of Christian fiction will be:
“Squeal, piggy.”
If we’re bashing Christian fiction, then I’m in. Although I haven’t read enough to be an expert on how bad it is. My main beef with Christian fiction is that a series like “Left Behind” became the fuel for the American Church to say, “See! We have science fiction too!”
Actually, “Left Behind” simulataneously became the fuel for me to say, “See! Christians have no idea what good science fiction is!” (Although I admit I kinda liked the first book).
I do like Randy’s books (for those who don’t know who “Randy” is, the books are a couple of series starting with “Transgression” and another with “Oxygen”… an Amazon search should finish the job), but I can’t tell if I’m biased cuz I know the guy.
If/when I get published, I hope to God (seriously) that my stuff isn’t also that bad and that I just can’t tell because I don’t know any better. But then the stuff I write tends to only sort of flirt with Christianity instead of outright dealing with it. Mostly because of this very same fear that I will end up as sorry as most Christian fiction.
Oh yeah, and before I get a talking to, I *am* open to the idea of good Christian fiction. Anyone got some? Lewis and Tolkien don’t count – not because they’re not in the category, but because I already know. I mean contemporary.
Incidentally, a story about demon pigs sounds pretty cool, actually.
Tracey, why am I always so wordy on your blog? I’m sorry. My mom always said I have a big mouth.
There’s good stuff out there…Have you read Francine Rivers’ Lineage of Grace series? Also ate up Frank Peretti’s stuff…and The Illuminatti by Larry Burkett had me reading over dh’s shoulder, that was a few years back though.
I’m not much for the old west setting, either…you may be onto something with the pig angle, run with it…but watch for cliffs.
I guess it’s “how do we make God look stupid” day in the blog world! I just finished a post over yonder at my grazing patch (sorry, I can’t do cowpoke-eze very well) on a different aspect of making God look stupid.
I think it’s all related, though. Shouldn’t we hold ourselves to the highest standard in all things? Critical thought or critterful fiction?
Sorry about that. It’s late. I’m done.
…happy trails to you…
L.
O.
L.
Amen, sista! You could *totally* do an “Animal Farm” redux. I’d buy it.
Peretti’s alright, but I still find myself screaming at him as I read. (But I scream at Tolkien, so maybe that’s not a good indicator.) “The Visitation” was pleasantly tepid. Made me think. “This Present Darkness” was… *eh*. Good for any teenaged readers one might have running around.
I barely got through the first “Left Behind” book… that was all I could take.
On the fiction front, Walter Wangerin is EXCELLENT, although a bit too pleased with his own vocabulary sometimes. He and Philip Yancey also do a pretty good job tackling non-fiction.
I’ve heard good (if not controversial) rumblings about Henri Nouwen, Annie Dillard and Rainer Maria Rilke. All are on my Amazon wishlist.
You *KNOW* how I feel about this topic. (I only rant about this 14 times a week.) What are we to do? Sit on our hands? NO. Change the standard, babe. Raise the bar. Make some waves. BAM! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!!
I guess George MacDonald doesn’t count either, since we threw out C.S. Lewis.
I also like Madeleine L’Engle and Jane Kirkpatrick. And Jan Karon but hers are easy reads.
It all goes along the same line as Contemporary Christian music… Oy vay!
Oh, WordGirl. We were doing so well, until you confessed to screaming at the Professor. Sadly, you’re back to Square One. Fortunately, you can learn a lot of math while you’re there. And watch Mathnet! “The following story is a fib. But it’s short.”
No, Adam, Randy’s books are good. They’re actually good. I haven’t read the latest ones, though, so maybe he’s fallen off.
T, I haven’t read any old-west books ever, so I’m not much use to you on this front. Sorry. Personally, I think all books are created equal. But some are more equal than others.
-M@
LOL, M@.
BUT.
Like you weren’t in the middle of the “Two Towers” screaming, “Just get ON with it, for the love of Gollum!!!!” He’s sooooo wordy and… involved… Reminds me of Henry James *shudder*
I understand the need for vital nuances and background building when it comes to constructing an entirely different world and history — BUT. When it slows the story down to a crawl? It’s better left out. Or in another book altogether.
For example, “The Hobbit” was perfect. Economical, concise, well-paced, fun. Add some depth and a coupla’ chunks of history, voila! I don’t need 40 pages of detailed Dwarf battles and Elf songs.
And Lewis doesn’t make me scream at him. *He* has a great sense of balance.
*So, nyah* 😉
I agree with Word Girl…YOU could do it! Change the standard, raise the bar, make some waves, I’ll be looking for you on the bookshelves!
Two things:
1) WG, I understand what you’re saying, and it seems to me to be a common misunderstanding of LotR. This was a book written by an Old English scholar, and who is one of the most respected Beowulf experts to this day. Why is that relevant? Because he’s not writing a novel in the sense that we’re used to, and if you read it that way, it will come across as plodding. Instead, realize that he’s writing a story in a mode that is far older, and draws on traditions that feel antiquated to us today.
2) I work with a friend who is musically gifted and inclined. He frequently (constantly?) whistles, or snaps his fingers, or hums, or otherwise manifests the music in his head. Don’t think that I’m complaining: I find this endearing, and it’s perhaps my favorite thing about him. Anyway, we recently found ourselves walking in the same direction, and he was snapping. Immediately I launched into “When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way….” And then THAT put me in mind of T’s husband performing that (from the comments for the post about Joey showing up at the performance from drama camp), and it’s about the most hilarious thing I’ve seen in weeks. Certainly the funniest dance scene since Napoleon Dynamite, even if only in my head. Thought I’d share.
-M@
M@ (you knew I was coming after you again, right?)
1) I already knew that… Professor of Anglo-Saxon for like, a million years at Oxford… blah, blah, blah… still. But thanks for the time you took to boo-yow me. I know it’s prrrreciousssss to you. 😉
2) Totally cool. Would love to see that executed. I have a whole video to “What’s New Pussycat?” by Tom Jones choreographed in my head. Except that it’s totally ironic and slightly violent. “Go powder your cute little pussycat nose,” suddenly becomes a drug reference as this poor love struck and otherwise very sensible man tries to keep his hot and self destructive girlfiend from um… self destructing. All I need now is a really good chunk of time and Adobe Illustrator… *rubbing hands together maniacally, evil laugh*
I AM GETTING NO WORK DONE TODAY, PEOPLE! HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY! 🙂
Good Lord. All this? All I did was write about pigs.
And NOBODY’S throwing out Lewis. Not on THIS blog.
Just a little exercise for you: Next time your at your local Christian bookstore, stroll down the Christian fiction aisle and see how many off the covers look like Little House on the Prairie revisited. Watch out for the tumbleweeds, though.
And M@ — When did MB perform the “When you’re a Jet” song? I do think you’re imagining things. Go back and check those comments. 😉
And I can’t let this go by, I’m sorry.
Napolean Dynamite: MOST DREADFUL MOVIE EVER!!!!!!
The Cast of Characters:
Paul – the hero. As honest as the day is long. Has a snout for digging up trouble, though. And though his hooves are calloused, his ears are smoked.
Priscilla – the heroine. That cute little tail is uncovered only on her wedding night.
Parker – the dashing young competitor for Priscilla’s hand, er hoof. He has a charming smile, but can be a real ham.
Penelope – the promiscuous best friend of Priscilla. Also an incredible chef. You never know what she’ll be bacon next.
Peter – the psychopathic villain. His thighs won’t grip anything, as he has starved himself to an alarmingly low weight. Could be that he has an apple stuck in his mouth.
And of course, Mr. Hoggett, the narrator. “That’ll do, pig.”
Well, Lewis was not so much “thrown out” as set aside on the shelf of “things we already know are really good”. Actually, the shelf might better be labelled “Things that Christian fiction should be aspiring to, but seems to have forgotten existed”.
I did like “This Present Darkness”, at least somewhat. But I read it as a freshman in college (fitting the teenage category you placed it in).
I also like L’Engle (whom I had forgotten) and Cooper (“The Dark is Rising”). I think the Christianity aspect of the stuff I am trying to write is more along these lines – it is alluded to, or perhaps could be gleaned from it by someone who wanted to dive deeper into the symbolism than normal people should, but it’s not about Christian people doing Christian things (or Old Western things, as the case may be).
I agree with both sides on the Tolkien argument. Tolkien had a different purpose for putting all that stuff in there, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s hard to read when I want to know what happens to the Ring 😉
Napoleon Dynamite. Okay, this movie’s… weird. When I first saw it, I thought, “This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.” Then over the next 1-2 weeks, we found ourselves quoting it over and over again, and eventually laughing hysterically. When we watched it the second time (and then the third, fourth, and fifth times) it just kept getting funnier.
But it’s not for everyone, I readily admit that.
Did I hit everything?
My favorite Christian writers would probably be Dee Henderson and Mary Starns Clark. I cannot read the Christian westerns, or the “romance” novellas. Of course, I wouldn’t be reading the “secular” versions of these types of novels either.
Just to be clear (I know I’m late on this, I’ve been out of town), I know that MB (YB?) never danced, but we had talked about how funny it would be if he did.
That is all.
-M@