I’m afraid this week’s blogging is going to be more journal-ish than usual.
By that I mean, you’ll likely be treated to a steady stream of posts that bear witness to my churning insides, my clamoring thoughts, my unassuaged fears about Friday’s meeting with my one-time best friend, Joey.
Clarity is elusive here; wisdom more so. There’s how my flesh wants to handle it — for instance, in one message she suggested that we meet near a particular pond at a particular park; I demurred, not from a dislike of ponds, mind you, but from an awareness that I was relishing the mental picture of her in the pond a little too much.
And then there’s how the Lord wants me to handle it. Somehow, I don’t think that involves my secret, coddled equation of:
Pond + Joey = Tracey’s inner delight and the solution to everything!
So we’re not meeting by the pond.
In a recent phone conversation, my sister said:
“Don’t underestimate what God is capable of.”
To which I countered:
“Yeah, but I don’t want to overestimate what I’m capable of.”
She sighed, wondering, I’m sure, why she was paying for such long-distance aggravation.
I know — how I know! — the scales of my heart must tip in the balance towards God, towards His way — love, forgiveness, humility. The problem is that sinner’s heart inside each of us that naturally tips its balance towards the flesh, towards our way, the bottom of that pond. And right now, I can feel, unmistakably, that inner see-saw, tilting this way, then that, and back again, in wobbly rhythm.
No wonder I feel sick.
I can’t speak for the other readers, but I read this blog in order to get a sense of what’s going through your head, Hostess. So no apologies are needed – this is what I come over here for!
-M@
Hey, sweet pea (can I call ya’ sweet pea?) This might sound like New Age B.S., but bear with me:
1. I am so proud (in a totally non-*demon*-inational way) that you created the tea-and-Bronte site. You finally got “naked”. WOOHOO!! Such courage. If I could hug you, I would. (Fully clothed, of course.)
2. I am recovering from lots of “things” lately myself. The quiet Grace with which God had surrounded me was deafeningly silent. But instead of embracing the quiet as a resting place, I began to flail. I retreated to old voices for “control”. The Grace of the “easy yoke and the light burden” was too scary to be real. I had never been free before and in my panic, I put myself back in prison. Other Pharisees have fared no better. I try to remember that when they pontificate.
3. What I’m learning:
a. No one defines me but Jesus. NO ONE. He is my sole Protector, Guardian, Defender, and Friend. He will never, NEVER turn on me or forsake me. The moments when I cannot see or hear are the moments He has purposed for me to learn, to grow, to reflect, and to serve. Sometimes I serve best by being silent. Sometimes, He has deafened and blinded me for my own protection.
b. You, among others, know better than I all of this and more. I see you standing strong in all of His Wisdom. You are a warrior of the Faith. Even though you may not see or feel that, we, your friends, do.
c. NO ONE has permission to steal His peace from His Bride. Not even HIS BRIDE.
d. What “Joey” is doing is stealing. Period. She should never have been allowed to intrude, interrupt, distress, kill or destroy any part of you (including the person God joined to you in one flesh). That is a crime against the body of Christ. It ripples like water across the surface. We all feel it. It affects all of us.
e. What is your defense? Stop brooding on this. It’s *stealing* precious moments from your life that could be spent in joy and peace and fulfillment. She has asserted power over you even though she’s not in front of you. Let go of pleasing anyone in this situation and release all possible outcomes. Put this in God’s hands and let it go. Anything else will sap you of more strentgh. And that is a victory for the Enemy. Don’t make him more powerful than he is. He can’t touch you anyway.
f. I have to say in my head to myself (or to the person perpetrating the “crime”) “You don’t have permission to do or say that. I am the Temple of the living God and will not be defiled.” In other words, I take myself out of the defensive and put myself on the offensive. It puts the ball in my court. And for someone who has never done that before, it’s incredibly liberating! It’s not easy. I have to work at it every day. What keeps me strong? Deep breathing, stretching, journaling, prayer and three (of many) verses:
“All things work together for the good of those that love God and are called according to His purpose.”
“Do not worry about what you will say, for at the right time, I will instruct you.”
“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in You.”
*hug hug hug HHHHUUUUGGG* (fully clothed, of course)
Can I call you Sweet Pea too? 😉
Look, t, I’ll be straight with you. In her misinformed and misguided way, I would bet that Joey is trying to show her love for you. She’s obviously been brainwashed into believing that she’s getting some kind of special revelation and she wants to do what is right. Fault her for bad theology, but not for not caring. But you know that.
But what is happening is simple: she’s stealing your joy. Don’t let it happen. She’s placed the results of her bad theology on you and on your shoulders not to mention your beloved. Your Christian walk ain’t perfect. I don’t need special revelation to know that. NONE OF US are perfect in our Christian walk.
Don’t dread Friday. Express your love for Joey, just as she expresses her love for you. Only you can do it standing on truth, not on some kind of demon-chasing vision.
Be strong and courageous. If you don’t have it, ask God for the strength and for the courage. I think you’ll do fine. You’re dealing in reality.
Oh, and I can handle the “naked” blog. Just keep “the girls” covered up. 🙂
Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. I do appreciate it.
And yes, the only thing I’m praying at this point is “God, your will be done, in my words to her, in the relationship.” I absolutely cannot fix it.
It does rather feel like I’m going to sign the divorce papers or something, so dread goes with the territory a bit, I think. The future direction of a 15-year, best friendship hinges on this conversation. There are emotional and spiritual issues to discuss that are deep and complex. Since I’m not sure what she may say, I am doing some brooding, hopefully, constructive brooding, in order to feel better prepared to respond.
And while the situation is terribly sobering, she cannot steal my ultimate joy. No, for Colossians 3:3 says my life “is hidden in Christ with God.” That security is my foundation, no matter what may come along conspiring to shake it.
And y’all can all me Sweet Pea anytime!
I’m praying for you, kid. Think of that huge, sacred heart of Jesus…put all of this in there, into that great heart, and trust.