Help me! Helpme!! Helpmeee!! I need etiquette advice, peeps, and I need it no later than Thursday afternoon (PST), July 27th.
Here’s the situ in brief:
Good friend whose husband is out of town invites MB and me to dinner with her and her daughter for the evening of Thursday, July 27th. (That might be today for many of you reading this.) She’s making fish. Yummy. We’re going to watch “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.” Even yummier. So I call today to confirm, etc., leave a “so-looking-forward-to-it” type of message. Because we are. That ain’t no lie.
Later, I come home to her return message. She’s so excited, too. And still there’s the yummy fish. Oh, and pictures of her recent trip to Tuscany, which I’d requested to see because I’m a bit manic about Florence and Michelangelo and the Duomo and all THAT. I like to see people’s travel pictures. I’m weird. So, okay: Pictures — good!
Oh …. and then there’s …. uh …. this: “Well, my mother-in-law is coming over to spend the night, so she’ll be there, too.”
Um, what?
This is a pet peeve of mine, peeps. It’s a bit of a social bait and switch. Joey did this to us many, many, man-n-n-ny times. It goes like this: You think you’re getting some wonderful, long-awaited quality time alone with your good friends. You’re excited. At the very last minute, you are told that people you don’t even know or worse, people you don’t even LIKE, will also be there. You are never told this in advance. No. That’s not how Social Bait and Switch is played. The essence of the game is a last-minute sneak attack on your good graces.
And I do not have any good graces. We know this about me.
Oh, and may I say that only my rich friends have ever done this? I don’t know what THAT means, really (well, I have a theory, not now, though), but it’s a pattern, you see.
So, what’s a no-good-grace girl to do at this point? I have problems hanging with my own mother. I have problems hanging with my mother-in-law. I just … have problems! I’m socially marginal and I just know I’ll act weird and wrong around someone who is a parent figure type — because I always do! I was raised to be so durned polite to ’em, it’s flat-out annoying.
My friend is not going to get the Tracey she knows and tolerates well enough. Oh, no. She’s going to get some bizarre, uptight, yes, ma’amer who only speaks when spoken to and then will act like some latter day Eddie Haskell, obsequiously encouraging even more fascinating stories about cousin Bertie’s giant goiter. It’s sick, I tells ya. Sick. And it doesn’t help that my friend said, “The old girl needs some entertainment and you two are hilarious!” Yes. Goiter talk IS hilarious.
WHY — OHHH, WHHY — DIDN’T YOU TELL US ABOUT MOTHER-IN-LAW BEFORE?? Because now — and here’s the absolute worst part of Social Bait and Switch — if you cancel or admit you’re uncomfortable or do something, anything, to get out of it, YOU look like an ass. You do. And you didn’t do anything. Well, except freak out about the switcheroo.
What I’d SO looked forward to as a quiet evening with my friend, having dinner, talking, watching spaghetti westerns, has morphed into something else altogether. And in her defense, I think mother-in-law deserves her own quality time unimpeded by our presence, so it cuts both ways, really. It’s like trying to kill two birds with one social stone. Or yummy fish.
So ….. what would you do? Have people done this to you? And if so, what have you done? Maybe it’s just me. I’m willing to concede that it may just be ME. In situations like this, I tend to revert back to my latent shyness and become very uncomfortable. So you’re witnessing a bit of a social anxiety attack.
Gimme your input. PLEASE!
Prevent utter social mayhem and meltdown NOW!!!
Just say crap A LOT until you’re into comfortable mode, pretend she’s some old lady you met on the airplane, and if you say something that offends her, you can just say to your friend later, “well, it’s your D-A-D’er fault, stupidhead, you’re the one who pulled the richie rich bait and switch. don’t look at me. you want hilarious. you got hilarious.”
and no, i can’t remember it ever happening to me. i either don’t have rich friends or they don’t act rich. 🙂
wow – you have totally described something that has indeed happened to me, and it has annoyed me – but I never really articulated it!
There have been times when I have not been in a particularly good space, let’s say – let’s say I’m depressed (moi? depressed?) and I haven’t seen my sympathetic lovely friend in a while, and she invites me over for dinner – and the prospect of being in her healing humorous presence alREADY does wonders for my psyche – but then the friend will do the ol’ bait and switch on me – and tell me she invited over her neighbor from upstairs – a woman she likes and she thinks I will really like – and suddenly – ACK – No, I SO can’t do that – I’m depressed, I don;’t have a good game face when I’m depressed … I cringe from meeting new people when I’m depressed … so in that situation I have had no problem with saying, “I guess I was hoping it would just be you and me. I am totally not up for public consumption right now – I’m not feeling social – and I just can’t make small talk. So let me know when you have some time to go out for coffee next week or whatever.”
If I’m depressed, I am fine with taking care of myself in that way – even if I hurt my friend’s feelings. Usually, they totally understand, though. You know? Good friends are usually able to hear something like that and not freak out.
Another time this happened (and it happens a lot – because I’m single and all my friends are married – Married people sometimes forget about how to have one on one time and I have to demand it. Like: “I LOVE your husband … but can’t you and I just go out alone??”) – but anyway, a friend gave me the bait and switch, almost just like you described in your post – and without thinkning the words, “Wow, I’m really disappointed – I was hoping to just catch up with you one on one” flew out of my mouth. There are few words that have more power than “I’m really disappointed.” I didn’t say them to be manipulative, I said them because I was truly disappointed. My friend had NO idea how much I was looking forward to one on one – and said, “You are??? Oh gosh, I had no idea … Let me reschedule with so and so … and you and I will go out as planned.”
I wouldn’t presume to give you advice – but these are two examples of how I have handled the bait and switch debacles in my own lifetime.
I am by no means an expert on this situation but here’s a couple things to try. Have you ever called in to work sick when you aren’t sick? You know… “Oh, I’ve got (insert some vague symptoms here) and I don’t think it would be good to be around other people today.” Do this last minute of course and apologize profusely and cough a lot, but not too much, during the call. Or you can pull a Marsha Brady and tell her “Something suddenly came up.”
Good luck with the sitch. You gotta watch the rich ones… they are sneaky.
Tell her the truth (nicely). Go anyway, but tell her it’s a concession (nicely) and to please let you know next time (nicely).
Look like as arse?! Nope, she’s the guilty party here and she needs to know that. It keeps it from happening again in the future.
If you can bark at some old lady over a misplaced cart at Costco, you can do this. 😉
Just my $0.02.
I sympathise; there are a few ways to look at this.
1) Be bold and just say what you’re feeling; back out of it and reschedule when Nana isn’t around. Maybe the in-law was the one doing the last minute imposition? And your friend doesn’t want to cancel on you because she’s afraid to hurt your feelings by canceling at the last minute because of out of town guests? Just one scenario.
2) Okay, you said what you’re feeling and it turns out your friend did the bait and switch on purpose because… she really wants you to meet the in-law. For whatever reason: she’s proud to be your friend; she thinks you two will hit it off; she thinks her in-law will just LOVE you. Question: would you be able to say “no” to your friend if this is the case? ‘Cause, like Sheila said, “Good friends are usually able to hear something like that and not freak out.”
3)If you can’t bring yourself to say something, try to just be yourself as much as possible and find out if you like this lady or if you’re going to have to get a headache and go home right after the yummy fish. I actually have a blast with some of the gomers in my neighborhood. Maybe they’re just real cool gomers, but hey, they like to party, they can tell a good joke, and they like to have a good time. You just never know with people.
Okay.
First, Missy: “gomers” — hahahahaha! That word just kills me.
Second, everyone: Ugh. I just got home from work and I called my friend. I only got her machine and — ugh! — I hemmed and hawed, but I was honest about the whole thing. She’s just far too candid a person herself — which I deeply respect, actually — for me to be any less with her.
I just — ugh! — feel like I should have practiced my monologue better or something. Written it out or SOMETHING! There were lots of “ums” and “uhs.” And then I kept apologizing for sounding like such a doofus, which basically makes me an even bigger doofus.
How is it possible that I have any friends??? UGH!!
I asked her to call me back, so we’ll see what happens. And if she doesn’t call me back, that phone message was even worse than I thought.
Smmmoooooth, Trace.
Oh, and sarah? “D-A-D’er”? Hahahaha! Has the infamous phrase become an acronym now? I love it.
Or maybe I’ll just say “crap” a lot. That’d be great to pull out in front of her little kiddo.
Or how be at some point tonight I say:
“Look, Gammie. Don’t give me any of that CRAP, you damnassdamer!”
It could fit in almost anywhere!!
Be happy this is the worst your rich friend has done to you (and yes, it DOES seem to be the wealthier that pull this and I think my theory and your theory may be similar).
I used to have (well, technically I still DO have) a wealthy cousin whose wife I really hit it off with. They used to call me & invite me for a weekend in their posh house with the posh pool. I’d accept. Then (or sometimes the next day) I’d get the additional info.
“We have to go to a (insert function) on (insert one or more weekend nights) but we KNOW you love (child’s name) and we’ll have a really good visit over breakfast. Oh, and did we mention that we’ll be having brunch for 35?”
Do I need to explain the “used to have”?
I guess I’m not providing great advice, just commiseration (sp?).
Okay, so Candace — lemme get this straight: You had to babysit?? And cook??
Are you kidding me???
Did you send them a bill later?
I am gobsmacked!
so what ever happened with the bait and switch?