dime store memories

Okay. Go here to this gallery of dime store toy packaging.

Oh, and come back.

Let’s discuss, shall we?

— The one that says, “If you put on a pair of spectacles and a set of tiger teeth, you will be changed to a wonderful man immediately”?? Um, Lee Marvin, GOD KNOWS the pain I felt watching you grunt out songs in Paint Your Wagon, but you didn’t have to resort to modeling for dime store toy packaging with a broken comb in your mouth, did you? DID YOU??

— The Cat Rabbit Mask. “Hey bullies! Wonderin’ who to beat up next??”

— Cat Face the Terrible, Feared from Coast to Coast, just in case you don’t want to be a cat and a rabbit and dead. Now, I AM scared by Cat Face the Terrible, but only because Cat Face the Terrible is clearly a Sleestack disguised as a cowboy and it really shivers me timbers. Just look at those big buggy eyes. STOP IT, SLEESTACK COWBOY! You sicken me.

— The “Hillbily Doll.” Made by Hillbilies. Spelled by Hillbilies. I kinda want wun.

— Okay. The Plastic Hut is clearly NOT an “educational and funny toy.” It is a chore. Involving pecky little chickens. Sorry, Billy. But that is obviously a pecky chicken guillotine and those other pecky chickens have no clue they’re about to be finger-lickin’ GOOOOD and Billy has no clue that the “educational and funny” part comes when he learns the real and bloody meaning of “running around like a chicken with its head cut off.”

“And don’t you be comin’ back in this house, boy, til you larn you that lessin and you plucked all dem chicks!!”

Damn Hillbilies.

— Shrunken Heads! What?! Those weren’t real? (Don’t tell my brother.)

— UFO Wonder Gun. Spare Ammo. Hm. You know, I don’t really care for a toy that implies I can’t or WON’T be able to kill the evil one-eyed space alien that wants to kill ME. I don’t like a toy that basically says, “Good luck, kid. You’re gonna need it.” Look, toy, do you believe in me or don’t you? Do you have my back or don’t you?? Because if you’re just gonna toss me some extra shells and run away all scaredy cat, then let’s just end this right here, right now. I don’t need your scorn. You sicken me.

— Wear a Wierdo. Look, Hillbilies. You are wearing me out. There’s a reason you’re still Hillbilies. Du you no what it is?

— Bob Doll. Um, Bob, WHAT are you doing posing all puffed-up on the beach in your grungy grey undies? Didn’t Mom Doll ever teach you the importance of clean underwear? Didn’t Mom Doll ever show you how to avoid unsightly greying of your laundry whites? Do you even see that chick splashing willy-nilly in the water just to get away from you and your grungy greyness?? Sorry, Bob. I just can’t hang with a toy with such blatant contempt for cleanliness.

— Darling Baby. Now, that thing is just a freak. Why do I feel I’m looking at kiddie p-o-r-n? Why do I feel the need to call the cops? Why can’t I shake the feeling that Darling Baby grows up to be Bob Doll?

— Insult Cards, 25 cents? What an insult.

— A Life-Alike Rabbit made with unbreakable polyethylene. I had a Life-Alike Rabbit once. His name was Hopscotch and l loved him and hopped around with him and scolded him for his perpetual pellet making and buried him the day I find him in his cage all stiff and stretched out and decidedly non-Life-Alike. Shoulda gotten one made with unbreakable polyethylene.

— Lovely Toys. Oh, the ego on you. If only I had a 25-cent insult card to take you down a peg, you uppity little toy!!

— The Mobile one is my favorite, I think. I like how it’s straightforward and unpretentious and Alexander Calder-y. It just is what it is. You, Mobile, you would be my friend.

— And the last one, Plastic Goofy Teeth, Life-Like in a Dopy Way: Well, let’s just agree never to speak again of the pitiful decline of Lee Marvin we’ve all witnessed here. At least he’s dead now.

And damn you, dopy Hillbilies. You sicken me.