Well, I shouldn’t be surprised but I am, a bit. My homeschooling survey — and what I chose to do with it — is taking quite a beating in the homeschooling blogosphere. Or, rather, I am. And I don’t care so much about that. I don’t have all that much invested in what strangers think about me. I do care, however, about the ability to make distinctions between things.
I’ll get to that in a moment.
I’ll be honest: The fact that I’m surprised clearly demonstrates my own ignorance and naivete on the topic, but I admitted that in the preamble to the survey. I said, basically: I know nothing. Beyond that, I was naive enough to believe that I’d primarily be having a conversation with my regular peeps who “get” me, have read me for a while, have been through some life with me, and therefore, have a better frame of reference for who I really am.
It’s embarrassing to admit that I didn’t really expect people other than my regulars to show up over here and answer the survey, but, yes, it’s true. If I’d considered that, I probably would have never published the survey. Really. I could see from my stats that many people did blog searches for the word “homeschooling” or some related phrase. It really never occurred to me that people do these kinds of searches, mainly because I don’t do these kinds of searches. I don’t seek out homeschooling posts; I have no need to. Our frame of reference is our frame of reference, I suppose, and sometimes that frame of reference functions like a pair of blinders. I wrote questions in a flurry, posted them, and didn’t give much thought to possible outcomes. Honest admission.
Some of the questions have been called ridiculous on various blogs and, yes, that’s true, they were. By design. (Another one I can think of was poorly worded — too vague — and didn’t actually ask what I meant to ask.) They weren’t meant to be offensive. They were meant to inject some levity into something quite consequential for many people. They were meant to keep things light. Or lighter. Clearly, there was some level of splaaaaat on that front, some level of falling flat on my face on that score. (Not exactly unprecedented on this blog, now is it?) However, judging from the amount of email I’ve received, my regular readers seemed to understand me and the new people, for the most part, did not. With no larger context for who I am or how I typically write or communicate, I can see how that might be possible. But it’s also true that every reader processed the questions through his or her personal lens. One can assume I really didn’t know much about homeschooling, really did want to be educated and that that was all genuine, or one can assume that I was disingenuous, harboring a secret agenda, and set out deliberately to offend large swaths of humanity. It’s a choice, I suppose, to assume a blogger is either presenting herself as honestly as possible or is playing games with her readers.
I shut down the post comments because there were a fair number of comments awaiting me in moderation that I found offensive. Some were personal attacks on me or other commenters and I refused to allow the conversation to devolve in that way. It’s my blog, it’s not really a democracy, and I reserve the right to host it however I see fit. Not everyone will agree with the choices I make to manage my own “cyber open house,” but, again, I pay the bills, so these are my choices to make. Anyone with a blog has a similar right, which I also support. I don’t have to like how someone manages their blog, but I have to support their right to do as they see fit as well.
As far as the comments that were posted, I had no issue with their content. I took issue with their tone. I see those as separate things, a distinction to make. True, tone is difficult to discern in cyber communications. Harder still when the people communicating are total strangers to one another, but based on some of my email, I wasn’t alone in my perception of the tone.
That said, my own tone in my final comments was nothing to write home about either. I was snarky and I want to apologize for that. I’ve apologized before on this blog and, knowing me, I’ll end up needing to do it again.
On the various blogs linking to the survey, I’ve been called a “complete moron,” a “control freak,” “stupid,” and “immature.” Again, I don’t care much what strangers think of me. I’m not persuaded to think these things of myself simply because total strangers believe it to be true. I’m not THAT spineless or easily swayed. I know who I am. I generally know what’s true and not true about me, and in the many places where I’m blind, I have loved ones who really know me to help me better see. So if strangers choose to think those things, that’s fine. I don’t mention it now for the sake of boo-hoo-hooing. I mention it now because I care about the distinction between situational judgments of a person’s tone or attitude and holistic sweeping judgments of an entire person based on a single interaction. You can choose to believe that a person’s failing in a given situation is indicative of a systemic failure in character or you can choose to believe that a person’s failing in a given situation is a person’s failing in a given situation and not the full measure of who they are. Sometimes there’s a larger context to a person’s actions. Sometimes a person has a bad moment. A bad day. Sometimes we can’t see the whole picture, especially on the Internet.
Every person has a larger context.
My comments in the end were snarky, but I tried to limit my comments to an appraisal of tone and behavior in a limited situation rather than an appraisal of any person in toto. That doesn’t excuse my tone. I’m simply saying that, in general, I try not to go “global” on someone. I cannot assess an entire person based on one moment in time. I can’t and, hopefully, I won’t.
So, again, I own what I need to own. When people on this blog witness me in a less-than-stellar moment, I hope I’m a decent enough person to let them witness me own it. The way I see it, I can cede ground without ceding myself. Own what’s necessary without disowning myself. I’m not diminished in doing so.
For the record, no, I’m not linking to these blogs. Not for my own protection — because an interested person could find them, I suppose — but simply because I don’t want anyone who feels they want to defend me to feel that they NEED to defend me. I don’t need or even want defending in this situation, so I’d really prefer that my readers let these bloggers express their opinions unimpeded. That’s why I haven’t included links. I know I have my pit bulls out there and I love my pit bulls. Oh, I do! But right now, I’m perfectly okay with these bloggers exercising their right to think of me what they will.
I’m not interested in changing anyone’s opinion of me. I don’t think I’m able to, really.
I’m simply interested in clarification and taking responsibility for my own actions.
(Comments have now been closed.)
I googled “homeschooling” that day and I’m so glad to have found a new friend! 🙂
You know… I used to wonder some of those questions myself. And I’ve seen some homeschoolers who don’t have very high academic standards. But I’ve come to the realization that these are the same folks who wouldn’t have high standards if their children were in public school.
Maybe homeschoolers get defensive because not too long ago, it was difficult to homeschool legally. It still is in some places. But although I thought your post was a little snarky, it wasn’t threatening or nasty. There was no reason for others to be as mean as they were to you, particularly in light of (um, if others bothered to read them) your other posts in which you were ALSO a little snarky.
Meh. I’m just glad to have made a new friend. I think you’re pretty ok, Tracey, and more than that, I think you are more gracious about the whole thing than I would have been in your situation.
God bless. 🙂
Oh come on.
People didn’t search for you, like me, they have their blog readers automatically search for certain keywords, to keep up with topics they are interested in. Then when we came and answered your (what we thought were honest) questions, you came unglued. Nobody was snarky, except you. In response, some of us who did try to answer your questions posted about it – and found your over-the-top response humorous. Your traffic came from more popular blogs (like mine) who linked to you.You should be happy – it’s probably the most traffic your boring little missive has ever received.
Doc — Actually, my stats page is quite specific and some people did do blog searches for “homeschooling.” But a minor point. I’m not sure you read this post in its entirety, but I’m very sure we aren’t on the same wavelength, which is fine. Accept the apology offered or not. It’s offered in good faith. I said I was snarky; I said I was sorry.
Again: /I’m simply interested in clarification and taking responsibility for my own actions./
My blog and I are clearly offensive to you, so I don’t understand the choice to continue to subject yourself to it. I’m all for making Internet choices that make a person happy.
You’re free to think of me what you will, of course. Your opinion doesn’t move me, but you’re certainly free to have it. We don’t see eye to eye, so let’s live and let live, okay? I think that’s the wiser route to take here.
Sigh. Doc, humility isn’t your strong suit.
And, Doc, it’s actually not the most traffic my blog has ever received.
Perhaps hard for you to believe, but true nonetheless.
I have added “homeschooling” to the list of topics not to discuss at parties, along with politics and religion, for this very reason. As a regular reader I knew your intent but I was also not surprised when the comments were closed.
I for one will stick with your little missive ’cause I love it and I’ll leave the more popular blogs for those that want to compare their d!ck sizes like a bunch of men sitting around the campfire.
Doc – // Your traffic came from more popular blogs (like mine) who linked to you.You should be happy – it’s probably the most traffic your boring little missive has ever received.//
Ewwww!!!!
I’ll stop subjecting myself to your blog, when you stop visiting mine 35 times a day.
It’s time for homeschoolers to stop being so defensive. We have the right to homeschool in the U.S. People have the right to ask questions. In fact, I think that asking questions is good because I think homeschoolers need to be challenged to remember why they homeschool.
And, Doc. Do you really think that this is a worthy battle? Why the attitude toward someone you don’t even know?
Tracey, thank you for questioning. These questions were common questions that everyone has about homeschooling. I appreciated the time that it took me to answer because it helped me to think and process again why I homeschool. Especially during this time of year when I’m beginning to lose energy!
Wow, Doc, you’re not only terribly rude, but can’t quite seem to realize that people searching on your behalf is still people searching.
I will never understand what it is about the internet that makes people keep going back to something they don’t like. If you find something on the net you don’t like, don’t go back.
It was late when I wrote my comment… guys don’t really do that around campfires. A better way to make my point would have been to use the “my dad can beat up your dad” classic.
It’s the parenthetical “like mine” that really grossed me out. I realize my tone here is one of a 10 year old, but I believe it is the most appropriate level of response to a comment like that.
EW!
Sadly, I think some of the responses to your survey are an example of a larger deterioration in society at large to be able to communicate differences of opinions or ask questions in a reasonable, polite manner.
Brian — /guys don’t really do that around campfires./
Hahahahahahaha. Well, some guys might, but point taken.
Oh, Doc. You are a master of hyperbole. I’ve visited your blog to get a better sense of who you are. 35 times a day? I don’t visit my regular blogs 35 times a day. I haven’t commented on your blog, so I don’t know how you can be sure which hits are mine, given the popularity of your blog, which, one assumes, means hits are flying by on your stats page.
It’s interesting to me that you seem to have completely missed the point of this post, choosing instead to focus on the very minor detail of HOW people found the survey, and on that point we are essentially saying the same thing.
So it seems the issue here is one of two things: an inability to understand the point of the post, which I tend to doubt since you seem intelligent, or a deliberate choice to miss the point of the post.
Doc, there’s an apology on the table.
Do you accept it?
You know, let’s just agree to have this be our swan song together, okay? Communicating with me doesn’t seem to edify you or meet your needs.
So let’s simply say sayonara.
Be happy in your life, Doc.
Doc, how would you know that this post went up and why would you come ever-so-swiftly to comment upon it? Who, exactly, is visiting whose blog 35 times a day, here?
Not that it matters. “Those who interest each other should meet often, those who don’t, seldom.” – CS Lewis. And how can we miss you if you don’t go?
I only read the first few comments to your survey, but if Doc’s comment here is what the comments devolved to, I don’t blame you for being snarky! You know that your regulars (even mostly lurkers like me) love you and enjoy everything you wrtie.
Or write!
Laural — Thank you so much. I always like “seeing” you around here.
Wow! After commenting on the homeschool post early on, I got too busy to revisit it. I had originally found it very educational and helpful. I thought some great opinions were expressed (if I was Doc, I’d say “like mine” but I won’t…heehee), and I learned some things I had not previously considered. I was so impressed with Patrick and Cullen (I didn’t have time for many of the comments after that…sorry peeps! I am sure many of them were brilliant too!) and their graciousness in teaching us. It gave me hope for the homeschooling process.
Now Doc just comes in and stomps over the whole thing, and I am back to fighting those old prejudices. But I won’t give in to them, because then everyone loses…including me. I think your survey was helpful, Tracey, and I am going to try to forget Doc’s role in it.
I am with Brian…add this to the list of topics not to discuss at a party. This is obviously a close cousin the the working mom/stay-at-home mom battle, which always leaves me feeling like a poorly-judged failure by the likes Doc, and many people I know in real life.
I’m hoping you won’t have to shut down this thread, too, but I figured I’d better get my comment in before that happens. . . I’m sorry about how much grief you got (are getting). Isn’t rule #1 of commenting to make sure you understand the entire blog, its tone, the tone of the comments, before commenting for the first time? I can’t tell you how long I lurked here, for example, before I felt I could make an appropriate comment.
I come here because I enjoy your playfulness and sincerity. Not to mention humility–you stood up and wrote an apology, right here, right now. For someone to take that apology and throw it back in your face with an attitude of, “You SHOULD be sorry!” and “You are unglued!” is petty and, frankly, inconsistent with the values most homeschoolers (and generally most parents) try to instill in their families.
Doc may understand autosearches but I don’t think he gets click-throughs (which I’m thinking might be the 35-a-day stuff). Just a guess.
Also, I hope Mrs. C sticks around. You are nice!!! And your family is so cute!!!
MM — Yes, add this to the ever-growing list of things NOT to discuss. I’ve definitely learned that. So next party, looks like I’ll eat and leave. Which, who knows, the hosts may prefer.
Kate P — Just to clarify, Doc is a woman. And as far as Mrs. C is concerned, I couldn’t agree more. She’s kind of a new hero of mine.
And, yeah, I will probably shut this thread down, too. Maybe like now.
Enough has been said. Enough has been unsaid. Learn what we can learn and move on from there.