The following is a transcript of a spot I heard on the radio the other day, not a Christian radio station, but, yes, a more conservative radio station that has basically one talk show that I can tolerate, that isn’t too shrill or positional or self-righteous.
This was during the commercial break, a moment called “Family Life Today” or something, hosted by self-satisfied Christian author, Dennis Rainey. Hm. How to describe him? I mean, beyond “self-satisfied”? Okay. Well, if you know who James Dobson is, this guy is a James Dobson Lite or James Dobson wannabe. I’m not a fan, although I probably have a Bible study or book of his lying around the house simply because someone else gave it to me.
Still, I listened to this spot and could not believe what I was hearing. I was so enraged by the whole thing, I sent Mr. Rainey an email, which I’ve included at the bottom here. Yes, I dashed it off impulsively and probably should have calmed down some before I sent it, but, well, I just didn’t. Honestly, I think the man needs to be taken to task for this. Just not okay, in my opinion. And I really don’t care who you are in the “Christian community” or how impressed I’m supposed to be by your credentials, gracelessness is gracelessness.
Here’s the transcript — my email follows:
Dennis Rainey: You know, we hear a lot of negative things about children today. But are they really so bad?
Guest: When my wife and I first married, we had decided we wanted one child. That was it. No more. And as we pressed into God and came alive to Him, we realized He wanted more children for us, and that was a HUGE step of faith for us…to move forward on having more children. And we did, and it’s been great!
Dennis Rainey: A few years back, the Dallas Morning News ran an essay contest on “Why You Have Chosen To Have Kids.†It ran a separate contest for those who had chosen not to have kids. The winning couple, with five children, was awarded a night out at one of Dallas’s finest restaurants. They even gave them a babysitter. I’m sure they had one of the best evenings of their lives.
Then there was the couple who had chosen not to have kids. The Dallas Morning News had a picture of them …with their cats! They felt like cats were easier to raise than children. Know what their prize was? It was an evening out … at a family restaurant! Talk about justice!
One final thought. Did you know that God is all about children? He loves children. In fact, the question is, how many children does He want you to have?
I’m Dennis Rainey and I’m big on children, too.
*********
Mr. Rainey,
I heard this on the radio today and had to come look at the transcript because I simply could not believe my ears. My husband and I do not have children — no, we’ve suffered through years of infertility instead — and have encountered almost nothing but this kind of prejudice from within the church.
The Church.
Christ’s hands on earth.
The same hands that have ostracized and judged us, just as you have judged couples who have chosen not to have kids. Yes, there are couples childless by choice and couples childless not by choice and those circumstances are certainly different, but the love and acceptance extended from the church to both kinds of couples should be no different. Who are we to know why, precisely, a couple has chosen not to have children? Who are we to judge that particular choice? It’s not immoral. It’s not “wrong.” It’s not a sin.
But this, this takes the cake:
/Know what their prize was? It was an evening out … at a family restaurant! Talk about justice!/
Justice? What does justice have to do with it, Mr. Rainey? Have these couples committed some wrong that needs to be redressed? Tell me, what crime are they guilty of? Isn’t “justice” something set aside for wrongdoers? I am gobsmacked at the judgment in this one short spot — and in the obvious relish taken in rendering it.
/Did you know that God is all about children?/
Really? That’s interesting. The God I know is all about grace. If he’s “all about children,” does that mean I can kiss heaven goodbye?
/The question is, how many children does He want you to have?/
No, Mr. Rainey. Based on this spot, I think the question is: How many childless couples’ hearts do you want to break and judge in one 90-second spot?
Oh, God. Save us from your people.
Mr. Rainey, this is one of the most profound moments of “ungrace” I have ever encountered in the body of Christ, and, believe me, as a childless Christian woman, I have encountered plenty.
You brought me to tears. And not in a good way.
No, you were completely right to fire off that e-mail to him.
Stuff like that — and other judgmental “Christians” who go off on “the obese” or “working moms” or you name it — just burns my butt.
I love you. Just the way you are. Just the way God made you.
Thanks, GraD. You’re a sweetheart. Now I’m tearing up for good reasons.
First off – I think you did the right thing. That man should be ashamed of himself.
Second – Now you know I don’t talk about faith much and a lot of that has to do with my own bad experiences with the church and people who have made Christianity into something that gave them an excuse for unacceptable behavior. But my history and the essentials of my beliefs are rooted in the Christian faith.
I don’t think we have experienced the things we have experienced or have been given the hardships we have as individuals here on earth in order to do God’s work or for reasons that God sees and we don’t. I’ve never believed that, personally. That’s just me. My higher power and I would have a bone to pick were that the case.
I DO, however, think it is a special kind of grace and doing the work of God to grow stronger through hardship and to use that strength and perspective to speak up. To make your voice heard and to spread understanding and help other people who may not have gained the same strength through similar suffering.
Because you and I both know that there is no way you were the only woman brought to tears by that radio spot. Other women sat and listened – stunned and horrified and in many instances, very deeply hurt. But you have the strength and the wisdom and the dignity to speak up and let him know that that was NOT acceptable.
Apparently that man is very confused about how God wants him treating his fellow man. Apparently he isn’t hearing God’s voice so clearly. But he’ll sure as heck hear it through you.
And I love that about you.
That was a good e-mail, Trace.
I hope he got a flood of them and it makes him think, repent and apologize.
I’m sorry you were hurt by his thoughtless comments- I hate it when Christians of any stripe sit around congratulating themselves on whatever.
People’s crosses hurt enough already, jackass, so quit with the smugness.
What GraD said goes for all of us, I think.
um. sorry I wrote so much. I like what Sal said:
/People’s crosses hurt enough already, jackass, so quit with the smugness./
Tracey,
I wonder if it’s the area that you live in that leads idiots like this to run these ads… NO ONE would get away with an ad like that on a conservative radio station in conservative Greenville, SC. In our community, it would be a verboten topic, because people who don’t want children don’t discuss it in polite conversation, for the very reason you state.
I, on the other hand, am quite vociferous on the topic:
It took 60 thousand dollars (more if you include the samll amount insurance paid) and 11 years for us to have our first child (we were very blessed to have a generous grandmother who had the money to help out). Most people with children have no idea what it costs both it terms of money and emotional ups and downs it takes for many of us to even have a CHANCE to have children.
It hurts me that you have to endure this ignorance. At what point did some of the supposed Christian leaders forget about what happens when you judge others?! Hell, “Judge not…” is in TWO of the four Gospels! Eh, I know it’s hard, but just ignore ignorance.
Marisa — Thanks, hon. What a lovely comment. Honestly, I don’t know if he’ll hear it from me. I imagine I spoke with too much anger, too much impulsiveness, for much of, well, “God” to get through. That’s a problem I have. I’m too fiery at times and don’t STOP to think, calm down, measure my words, etc.
Beyond that, I’m not sure how much someone like this man CAN hear. My experience has been that someone given so much power and influence isn’t too reachable. I’m not saying he’s corrupt or anything; I’m saying he possibly regards himself as above the fray, above the average person with the average life. I imagine someone like him may think “I must be doing something right to be put in this position” and that kind of thinking just calcifies a person’s conscience and humility.
Don’t laugh, but I’ve actually listened to hear if any subsequent spots of Mr. Rainey’s have included an apology and they haven’t. Just another nuisance email to him, I imagine, but I felt it was worth saying.
JFH — I had no idea you’d gone through this, too. You don’t know how it touches me that you shared that. Thank you.
Sal — Yes! /People’s crosses hurt enough already, jackass, so quit with the smugness./
Amen.
Ohhhhh, man. I’m sorry you cried. Some people do NOT think before they open their mouths. (Or type, as I found in one of my comboxes the other day.) I’ll be honest, I sometimes get annoyed with the very vocal “children are horrible burdens” crowd (because it’s really a private issue for individuals), but I certainly don’t jump to the conclusion that people are militant-anti-children every time a see a couple without kids. I wouldn’t want anyone to be judgmental like that about the childless couples among my own family. Like JFH said, the topic should’ve been “off limits.”
The contest was bizarre and I’m hoping that part was made up. That final thought was way off base, like you said. If God were “all about children,” then He’d totally be blowing off adults like us. And, you know, never let Jesus grow up. I am thankful that’s not true. And when it comes right down to it, that whole “How many kids” question doesn’t feel good to single people, either. The late Bishop Sheen said that people hate the church not for what it is but for what they *think* it is. There’s one of your bad representations right on the radio. Thanks a lot, dude.
Kate P — Yeah, the contest was SO bizarre. You sent the childless winners to a family-friendly restaurant? Seriously? I can’t get past that, if true. And just the contrast — the family with kids gets a night out in a romantic restaurant sans kids, as, you know, a reward for choosing to have kids. The other couple gets — what? — punished with a night in that family restaurant? I mean, obviously, the intent there was to put them in their place for their choice. It’s malicious. I truly hope they didn’t go and stayed home with their cats instead.
Just malicious.
And his assumption about the kid family: “I’m sure they had one of the best nights of their lives.”
How do you know, Slappy? Maybe they didn’t even talk to each other. Maybe they had a fight. About the kids.
You’re right, too; it’s offensive not just to childless couple but single people as well. Why don’t you just add a teensy bit more pressure and pain there, dude. Good one.
Now that you mention it–a lot of parents would rather be able to afford to take the whole family out for dinner at a nice place, than go by themselves. I mean, I have only two sibs but it was a big deal for the whole family to go someplace nice (usually for graduation or something) and I almost felt bad for the huge bill.
I think you did just fine on your email, Tracey. It was passionate, but not over the top. There is nothing wrong with encouraging people to have children, so long as one is respectful of the many reasons people choose not to, or can’t. I can’t believe that man is, in this day and age, so insensitive about that. You were right to call him on it, whether it penetrates his shell or not. You never know, maybe it did.
I have no decent words for this douchebag (see?). And thank you for informing me–I will never buy anything he puts out.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your email. He needs to be confronted on this. People like him are so detrimental to Christianity. People like you are such a blessing.
And I’m so sorry, Tracey. Love you, babe.
I am late to read this, but second all of the comments. I do not feel you were out of line at all. I think it is so unfortunate that there are so many good Christians out there with good messages, and it is more common to hear from the pompous, windbags of judgment instead.
As a step-parent who has never had her “own” children, I relate to this in different, but still painful way. The origin of the word “Religion” are words that mean “to bind”. Religion is supposed to bring people together, not make them feel outcast, or different, or less…like second class citizens.
Horrifying. This man should be ashamed of himself, while you are simply awesome.
Thanks, you guys! Everyone has to stop making me cry!