The other morning, I had to nearly weep for this poor man who, through sheer bum luck of chair selection, became audience to the very lengthy monologue of the man next to him about chaos theory and how the world will end in 2012 according to the Mayan Calendar and aliens and angels and many other things …. many other inexplicable things.
Here’s some of what I could hear of his soliloquy. And these are not strung together. Where you see an entire comment, that’s what he said.
~ So if we’re all spirits when 2012 comes and it all goes to hell in a handbasket, I ask myself, should I still be planting trees?
~ But I do think the answer is horticulture.
(I swear I dated a guy who said that exact thing once. Uhm …. Jeff??)
~ Do you think demons are just another culture?
~ Those cosmic guys in the Bible who had sex with humans, they were aliens.
~ You know, when you look at pictograms, those might be angels.
~ When you look at the Indians, there are people who are angels so if something happened like a car accident they just walk off like Jesus.
(Stop stealing imploring glances at me, Listening Guy. I cannot save you. I am busy, very busy, eavesdropping here. Just getting this all down requires my utmost concentration and I cannot let it lapse for one teensy second. Alas, I do feel for you, if that helps, which it doesn’t.)
~ It’s a military conflict, like spying. It should be like eggs rolling down a mountain.
(Mmm, yes. I totally agree. Please tell me more. I’m spying on you right now and it is exactly like eggs rolling down a mountain.)
~ So what you’re talking about with these beings — they have a very cosmopolitan existence.
(Hahahahaha. They’re having sex with humans, getting in car accidents, spying and/or rolling eggs down mountains. Yes, it’s all very sophisticated. I can see that.)
~ We’re probably being watched. And I’m not someone who’s out there or anything.
(Well, you’re right about that. I am watching you. Creepy, huh?)
~ We’re turning but the other planets are rising.
(Hence, the explanation for global warming AND Lady Gaga.)
~ The removal of the water pressure ….. well, actually, rather than worry about nuclear war, we should be worrying about volcanoes.
~ If for some reason we all went away, there might be patron saints, whereas, the other pictures of astronomical change — that tells me there may be bad guys; I’m just reporting.
(Yes. I see. “Fair and balanced.”)
~ There are two different spheres here, two different levels. The top of the temple and the steps. I’m really glad to be talking to you.
(I’m glad you’re talking to him, too. He, however, is definitely not glad.)
~ Jedis aren’t in the Bible.
(I’m very sorry.)
~ Look at Las Vegas. They’re about washed away.
~ Guys that look like Darth Vader just show up now and then.
(And you know what, hon? That’s the truest thing you’ve said. The truest thing.)
Y’know, I had been demanding an explanation for Lady Gaga. And why she forgets her pants all the time.
I’m feeling sorry for the dude. . . but I’m also secretly grateful that the chatterbox is probably one of those people who just sit on the floor of the New Age section (my least fave section to reshelve and straighten b/c it’s a perpetual mess) and read–they don’t purchase, so I don’t have to be held hostage at the register for that exact same conversation. I’m so selfish when it comes to preserving my sanity.
Kate P — /I’m so selfish when it comes to preserving my sanity./ Yes, you know, I feel the same way.
I agree with Kate.
Once or twice I’ve had what I secretly referred to as a “deep-end” student (as in “has gone off the…”). The folks I experience tend to either have an odd mish-mash of religious beliefs (the cosmic-guys-are-angels-having-sex-with-people-in-the-Bible-and-walking-away-from-car-wrecks is kind of familiar) or they have some really odd food/health/whatever beliefs (like that eating berries and only berries can make you immortal, or whatever. Or that people lived a lot longer in Biblical days because cheese hadn’t been discovered yet. Or something.)
Usually I wind up smiling, nodding, trying FRANTICALLY to change the subject, and then just closing my office door at times when I suspect the person might be lurking the halls.
This is also one reason why I spring for a private compartment when I ride the train. I seem to be a crazy magnet.
I laughed out loud at the “cosmopolitan existence” comment.
Someone’s been drinking barrel water and listening to obscure Yes albums…
ricki — Soo … eating berries can make you immortal???
I think you should look at being a crazy magnet from a different perspective: it is blog fodder, excellent blog fodder! A good thing!
sheila — Hahahaha. I know. That one is my favorite. Although I also really like the “when it all goes to hell in a handbasket, I ask myself, should I still be planting trees?” one. Know what, hon? Probably when the apocalypse is upon us all, uhm, you’ll be otherwise occupied. I mean, just a notion.
NF — The guy looked like he was going on safari. He was all in khaki. It was hilarious.
A couple of years ago I read a book called Inside the New Age Nightmare. It was written by a guy named Randall Baer I believe. He had some quite hilarious stories about his experiences in the NA movement. Highly recommend.
I can’t help myself from running into Darth Vader. I mean, every time I get all my stuff in order, dude comes over and wrecks it. Bastard.
Lynne — Really? A book about hilarious NA experiences? I need to check that out. Hahahahaha. Thanks!
Cullen — I know! Why doesn’t he show up when there’s laundry to be done? Like most tyrants, he is completely useless.
Wow, this guy was a piece of work! I want to eavesdrop on people like him (but not be in the convo like the poor, helplessly imploring guy).
Hard for me to pick a favorite part. I do love that you just eavesdropped, wrote it all down, and did nothing to help.
sarahk — Yes. I am a heartless wench.
My daughter’s friends mother is like that guy.
I wouldn’t mind the de-bunking of B’s Mom’s latest hoo-hah, except these sessions usually occur at inconvenient times.
I am not at my best explaining why Obama is not the Anti-Christ: “he’s not suave enough, darling”- at 1:00 am.
It’s what I love best about you, tray.
“why Obama is not the Anti-Christ: “he’s not suave enough, darling—
Thank you, Sal, that made me LOL.