(Names have been changed in this post.)
So My Beloved and I went to a "gay" Christmas party Saturday night. When we mentioned that we were attending this party, there were a few raised eyebrows from Christian friends. But let me explain.
Our neighbors in the townhome next door are a gay couple named Mike and Lee. In the year since we bought this place, we’ve become friends. We know they’re gay; they know we’re Christians. I remember early on having one of those get-to-know-you conversations where they both shared about their families. Mike described growing up destitute and fatherless, one of twelve children in the coal mining country of West Virginia. At that point, Lee chimed in, "Yeah, hon. You were a real coal miner’s daughter." I howled with laughter. How can you resist that?
Mike is 54 years old and HIV positive. He is gaunt, in frequent pain, and on total disability. Whenever I hug or touch him — which is pretty much every time I see him — he seems genuinely surprised. He has an older, Christian sister whom he adores, calling her his "soul mate." One day when he was talking about her, though, he said, "Yeah. She doesn’t smoke or drink or swear. You know, all the things that make you a Christian." Lee was listening and added, "Oh, yeah. And you need to believe in Jesus." (Now, I’d been trying to tread lightly with my friends here — something I’m not good at — but THAT was an opening if there ever was one.) I looked at both of them and quietly (only because I was nervous) said, "And you know what? Out of all those things you said, that’s the only one that matters at all." They looked at me, a bit taken aback, and one of them changed the subject. Actually, that was fine with me for a couple reasons: First, I felt sure hyperventilation was imminent and, second, I know that the conversation is not over.
But I need to tread lightly here, trusting only in the Holy Spirit for guidance and wisdom, because, frankly, the gay community is neither impressed nor touched by our "love" for them. They think we’re full of it and they’re not far off. When we moved in last year, I had Christians warn me to "watch out for those gays, they’ll stab you in the back." (And we Christians never would. Naturally.) How many times have we heard Christians we know refer to homosexuals as "those fags" or "those queers" or some other slam, delivered with great relish and equal contempt? How many times have we done that ourselves?
Recently, Lee shared a bit more about his family. They’re Jehovah’s Witnesses and he was, too, until a few years ago. He has never told his mother and grandmother, who live locally, that he’s gay or that he lives with his lover. In order to maintain any kind of relationship with them, he’s felt compelled to tell this rather unconvincing lie: that Mike is his landlord and he just rents a room from him. All because, he says, they would reject him if they knew the truth. "They would have to," he says, "because of their religion."
In his book "What’s so Amazing about Grace?" Philip Yancey relates this quote from a gay man who came from a Christian background: "I still believe. I would love to go to church, but whenever I’ve tried, someone spreads a rumor about me and suddenly everyone withdraws. As a gay man, I’ve found it’s easier for me to get sex on the streets than to get a hug in church."
That simply should never, ever be.
Touchingly, Mike and Lee are unfailingly good and generous to us. Many times, I’ve come home to find a friendly note taped to our door or a bag of goodies warming our welcome mat. If my husband is out of town, they’re my guardian angels, watchfully checking up on me. Their fondness for calling me "honey" and "sweetie" always makes me smile. They are loving, big-hearted men and I can’t seem to keep up with their kindnesses. But I want to — because they’re my friends. You’d all be lucky to have friends like our gay friends.
So about the party. Several weeks ago, Mike approached me and said, "We’re having a Christmas party and we want you to come. There’s gonna be some straights and some homos. What d’you think?" He seemed to be watching anxiously for my response. I looked him straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "Well, sounds like a party to me. We’ll be there."
And you know what? It was a lovely party and I had a great time. Sure, I was the only woman there, but, hey, gay men have a certain winning way of fawning over a woman that is utterly non-threatening because it’s non-sexual. They draw you in, relax you, and charm your socks off. No woman in her right mind would have a problem with that. And, sure, My Beloved, that hunka hunka burning man love, was good-naturedly hit on by a giant, burly, lumberjackish fellow. "Yeah. I know you’re straight," The Lumberjack joked. MB laughed and replied, "Yeah. And that’s my wife over there." Mostly, though, we talked about football, which may rattle some people’s stereotypes of gay men. Anyone walking into that home would have simply seen a bunch of enthusiastic men — and one chick — talking football and making friends.
Still, there are many Christians who’d say that we shouldn’t have gone. "You’re advocating that lifestyle," they might say. Or, "You’re sending the wrong message." No, I’m not. To me, not going would have sent the wrong message — one of rejection and judgment. I’m convinced it was important for us to go precisely because we’re Christians. I like to think Jesus would have been there, in the fray, scarfing meatballs and talking football.
But, in truth, it was no great sacrifice on our part, no righteous crusade. For, perhaps even more controversially, they are our friends. They’re our friends.
You’d all be lucky to have friends like our gay friends.
What if you asked God to bring you some?
Great story and I’m glad that you’ve become such good friends with them.
It always amazes me that we’re somehow supposed to be in a “culture war” with people like your friends. Their broken-ness is the same as ours – and I’m not talking about homosexuality, in either case.
Perfect. Just right. The Holy Spirit never neglects us when we ask for Wisdom. This is inspired. I’ll be linking to it. Just…not at 2:30 in the morning. 🙂
Wonderful slice of your life. Thank you.
I think because there is, in fact, a heated political battle going on about sexual mores (ie gay marriage and gay rights included) that we forget that standing up for principles in the political or moral arena is not supposed to include being nasty, mean and wounding people who are the opposition. The rhetoric gets really heated out there–whether on university campuses or on blogs or on talk shows. Christians get bashed so much that we get defensive, and that’s not always pretty. I just got an email update about some pastor getting legal heat for preaching that homosexual behavior is sinful. That scares believers. What? We lose freedom of speech. We’re silenced? We’re prohibited from speaking the Word on sexual matters? It does start to feel like a war.
But we can’t become haters, even of the “enemy.”
And there’s a problem within, too: The church is the one place where people need to feel free to open up about where they need help morally, and yet we often go there and wear masks so people do not see just how messed up we are. There is a strange denial and pride in thinking that our sins are somehow not as bad as someone else’s. We justify “ours” and vilify “theirs”. What it comes down to is we’re all messed up and we all need God’s mercy. I had a friend tell me of her lesbian temptations and how afraid she was that some church folks would ostracize her if they knew the battle she was undergoing. I said, “Shoot, we all feel that way and that’s cause some people WILL ostracize us, whether it’s alcohol issues, drug issues, sex issues, go on down the list.”
We can say a thing is unholy and sinful and have it be true according to the Word and the Spirit, but if we immediately write people off because they do these things, now we’ve got a sin issue. Pride? Hypocrisy? Lack of Mercy? Hardness of heart?
I don’t have to affirm homosexuality as positive or good or beneficial or normal …or affirm abortion…or gluttony or any other sin. In fact, as a Christian, I cannot affirm these things. I’m prohibited. But I’m also prohibited from hating people or casting them aside for being gay or having had an abortion or being fat. (Hey, I’d have to ostracize myself, given my overeating tendencies.) I’m lucky that the church I belong to is largely free of cruelty. I’ve never heard bashing terms. I’ve never heard cruel dismissals. But I still think we could go farther in letting people know that to expose their brokenness is not to risk shunning. (And I say that understanding that there is biblical precedent for shunning believers who, after counsel and confrontation from elders continue unrepentent in blatant sin. I do not disagree with this if done in the right spirit, which is that which seeks ultimate reconciliation.) Still, those who have not come to Christ, who have not submitted to God, are not going to want to come if we put out a vibe that says “We don’t want you in our lives or churches.” Of course, we have to be careful not to say, “Just come, and don’t change. You’re fine the way you are.” Everyone who comes to God must be willing to change by will and His power. No one is fine the way they are. Change is required or salvation and sanctification mean nothing. We can’t take our sins and call them good, none of them. We must admit we are not good and need serious mending. We must be willing to give up some things we don’t want to give up–even our sexual expression if it’s contrary to Divine Will. Taking up crosses…denying self…. There is no other way.
This message doesn’t fall happily on ears that want to live contrary to the Word; but as your story shows, the only way we’ll have a chance to properly transmit the message of God’s truth is by getting to know and going out with love. There is no other way. 🙂
M.
Thanks for posting this story. We, as Christians, we be taken more seriously if we show the truth of the Bible — compassion and grace to all. This is especially important in these times when the radical elements of the Same Sex Union crowd would have everyone believe that we Christians all want gays burning in Hell. It is unfortunate that there are some Christians for whom this description is to some degree accurate. But the truth is that we Christians want everyone to know the grace of God through Jesus and to spend eternity in Heaven. Thanks for holding up the truth of the Gospel.
Well, you and Jesus have at least one thing in common. He too would have accepted that invitation. Indeed, would’ve walked right past a gaggle of many of us self-described Christians to solicit it.
Bravo! Bravo! As a gay, Canadian Buddhist, it is reasonable to say that we come from different traditions, and that we carry the respective biases of our experiences and beliefs. In this country, it is common to discount Americans (especially those who proudly proclaim their Christianity) as not being “with it”, or too conservative to give any real weight to what they have to say. However, I have been raised to believe that everyone’s opinions matter, and that all people, regardless of their background should be treated with “loving kindness”. I am impressed, but not surprised to see that you, too, leave the door to your heart open to all those who choose to enter. At this most magical time of year, it is this message that should be reinforced and not how many presents are left under the tree. Because, like Buddha, Jesus was a Man of Peace, who loved all people.
yikes — [cross-posted at anchoress’s joint] — why is this all so complicated? they are your friends. do you feel the need to change all your friends? perhaps a little more pointedly, would you like to re-arrange the d.n.a. of your friends? what do you make of the science — solid, biological science, at the cellular level — that suggests it may be “nature, not nurture”? did not the Infinite make us all, and love us all the way she made us? i am puzzled. i will never understand a “christian” whose mission it is — or at least, whose mission, THEY BELIEVE, it is — to help “gay people” to “repent” of their “life-style.”
would any among us suggest i “repent” from having brown eyes, brown skin and nappy-hair? it is in my d.n.a. — just as it seems, for many, many (perhaps ALL!?) gay people — their laws of attraction are genetically-coded. honestly, anchoress, i do not mean to pry, but i am reasonably sure s. has told you he “always knew” he was/is gay. how did he know that? it was “deep within his being,” right? or words to tht effect, right? we need to be honest about what we actually hear, and know, from those we love — even if we ourselves don’t have brown eyes, we can see theirs are. . . well. . . brown.
p e a c e — no prose — tae, out.
Hmmm, Tae, there’s a lot to chew on in your comments — and really a whole other post in there.
I’ve gathered from previous comments at The Anchoress and certainly from yours here that you aren’t a Christian. So I thank you for coming over here and taking the time to read my post. To read a post from someone whose views are quite different from yours takes no small forbearance. Tae, what I long most to “do” to my gay friends is to love them and love them WELL. Christians, myself included, have failed, shamefully and woefully to show love and compassion to the gay community. We need to begin to show them, sincerely, the love of Jesus Christ.
Honestly, I can’t “change” anyone, but as a Christian, yes, I do believe that the power of the Holy Spirit CAN and DOES change hearts and lives. I mustn’t seek to “help gay people repent of their lifestyle,” because it’s not about that.
What Jesus Christ came and died for is the shattering, shocking notion that we are all SINNERS. He came to redeem the sin in EACH person’s heart, not someone’s “lifestyle,” for, in truth, that doesn’t go deep enough. But He came and died because of His perfect, breathless love for us. He came and died for all our sin and all our brokenness — mine, yours, everyone’s. He came because, simply, He longs to make each one of us new.
Neither I nor any Christian should take a lofty, superior stance before the gay community. It’s not about someone’s “gayness”; it’s not about someone’s “righteousness.” It’s about everyone’s sinfulness. We are all equal on the playing field of brokenness. T.
just to be clear, here — the “you” in my hastily-pasted reprint of a comment was NOT a “you” for YOU — sorry — that was my mistake for posting so hastily. the you was a man who had opened anchoress’ comments on this.
so — i did not mean to imply condemnation of any individual person’s actions, least of all, yours — at least as described above. i did mean to confront the notion — a fairly common notion, in my experience — in many christian circles, that God or Jesus or someone “calls upon” them to help gay people “repent of their lifestyle.”
and while any good scientist will readily admit that there is much more work to be done to more definitively establish the “nature” theory more completely, there IS good evidence for the existence of a genetic, or at least cellular-level-topography component to what i call the “LAWS of attraction”.
so — i have a hard time seeing “gay-ness” as different, in any meaningful way, than eye color.
it is largely immutable. i do believe it comes in varying shades, just as there are millions of “shades” of blue, or green, eyes.
and, just as some gay people spend their entire lives NOT being intimate with anyone of the same sex, some brown-eyed black people wear blue contacts 24 by 7. in either case, that is their business, and their business alone.
i actually do follow Christ, though — maybe not the same interpretation of the Christ you espouse, but that too is plainly okay in my book. i also follow to varying degrees, the teachings of the vedas (hinduism), krishna, the buddha, the baghavad-gita and the qur’ran. . . the Infinite appears in all of these, at least to me, in varying ways — and i seek her in all of them. i just hope it is plain that i offer no judgment on this topic at this time as to you — just more dialogue.
increase the
p e a c e
— tae, out.
Allow me to share a story with you, if I may.
At a major university many years ago, there was a young Chinese woman from mainland China who was getting a double Doctorate in Physics and Mathematics. This university also had affiliated with it a seminary, and many of those who were getting their theology degrees would frequently meet with this brilliant young woman and they would argue back and forth about Christianity and her need for a savior, all to no avail.
Shortly before she got her double PhD’s, she became a Christian. They were all curious as to which argument finally won her over. She looked at them and said, “None of them.” They then asked, “Well how did you become a Christian, then?”
She replied, “There is a girl on my floor in the dorm who is a Christian, and she built a bridge of friendship between our hearts. And then Jesus simply walked over from her heart to mine.”
Tae — No apology necessary, as far as I’m concerned. I didn’t feel judged by you, but certainly appreciate the sensitivity. T.
I am a Christian, and for awhile after becoming one, I spoke very harshly against homosexuality. I was self-righteous about it in almost every way possible (the only thing I didn’t do was support hatred and violence). But guess what? I soon developed a homosexual crush on a female Christian friend of mine named Nancy (who is also married), and I am only just now learning to overcome my self-righteous attitude concerning homosexuality. Go figure, huh? So, now I finally agree that there is absolutely nothing wrong with meeting and making friends with practicing gays and lesbians, as long as we remain just that, friends, and we don’t get all preachy and self-righteous about their behavior at them. In other words, kindness and friendship will go a longer way in encouraging gays and lesbians to change than if we preached to them and tried to enforce our own Christian beliefs on them. Believe me, I learned that the hard way recently, and that’s why I am glad that I’ve decided not to be so harshly judgmental anymore. After all, none of us Christians would like it if a gay man or woman came up to us one day and tried to convert us into homosexuals now, would we? So, what right do we have in trying to convert them into Christians? None! Gays and lesbians are human, too, so I’m glad that we are finally accepting them and giving them the diginity and respect that they deserve. As for my homosexual crush on Nancy? The good news is that I’m almost completely over it, thanks to God’s mercy, glory, and grace. The bad news? Even though I don’t have sinful sex dreams or fantasies about her anymore, and I no longer have the desire to sleep with her, I still have a lot of nonsexual dreams and fantasies about her, so I’m still struggling. I may not be a homosexual anymore, but I’m not going to be so harshly against homosexuality anymore, either. Instead, every gay man and woman I meet will be treated with loving kindness, diginity, and respect by me, and I’ll even try to make friends with a few, too! I loved your story!
I just have to say this: That is so sweet!
I’m not a Christian, but I have many Christian friends. I have many gay friends… and…most of my Christian friends are friends with most of my gay friends.
But it has always stricken me that the Christians who are friends with my gay friends never actually admit they are friends with gays. Which, to me, seems sort of hypocritical…
So… I guess what I’m trying to say is simply this: I think it is wonderful that you posted this! And that you aren’t ashamed to actually say you have gay friends.
So yeah, kudos.
Alesia
That’s beautiful. And it’s sad that some people – especially some CHRISTIANS – still need an explanation as to why someone would consider gays their friends, or attend a parthy hosted by a gay couple…