This picture from Thee Olde Wedding Daye never fails to kill me. First, of course, we’ve previously discussed everything wrong design-wise and common sense-wise with that day, all my regrets about puffy hair and puffy dresses and jaunty caps. Can we please just blame it on the 90’s so that I can absolve myself and move forward in life?
A little background to this photo: This is before the ceremony. Photos at my parents’ house. This is the backyard, by the pool. As a matter of fact, the little boy there, B, is standing on the diving rock at the edge of our pool, which is why my friend P, mom to all these kids, is holding his arm: to keep the poor boy — who I think has just realized he is the poofy reincarnation of Little Lord Fauntleroy — from throwing himself in the pool and ending his miniature dandified existence. Actually, B wasn’t even in the wedding (he was only 18 months old) and, in my defense — which is desperately needed here on something, anything — I had nothing to do with any part of his outfit. His cap was an extra, matching the ones his sisters wore and he kept pulling it on his head, refusing to take it off. I have NO idea where his giant velvet bow came from, but as I recall, P put it on him as more of a lark, a tension breaker. I mean, the entire day, we cracked up whenever we looked at the poor kid, all of us in happy giddy agreement that he looked utterly ridiculous. (Uhm, to paraphrase the Good Book: First remove the Ren Faire from your own eye, Trace, before you take the bit of poof from yon innocent toddler’s.) Sorry, B. Your mama threw your wee Huggied bottom under the bus and dressed you up out of love for me, I’m convinced, because whenever I looked at you, any nerves I felt just swept away in a flood of hysterical giggles. It was good useful medicine straight from Thee Olde Apothecarie’s Shoppe ’round the corner. (Sadly, it’s taken me many years to realize just HOW Renaissance Faire our wedding looked. It shames me deeply — given my utter contempt for all things Ren Faire. I think I thought I was being theatrical. And that I was. Lord.)
Now about those expressions. To put it nicely, our wedding photographer was a complete wiener. A total jerk. I didn’t like him the moment I met him, but my choice was overruled on this. Because I knew I’d want other photos, candid photos, (back-up photos, basically) taken by someone I trusted, I asked P’s husband C to take black-and-white candids and that’s who caught this rather, shall we say, unguarded moment. Leave it to C. He never missed a beat. The “official” photographer is out of the frame here, but, trust me, he’s right there. He’s talking to us, bossing us in that chubby condescending way he had. The entire moment boils down to this: P and I are basically OVER him. Fed up. He has worn down our last decent nerve. I mean, the day hasn’t even STARTED yet — the guy hasn’t even realized his full buttmunch potential which happens hours from this moment — and I have that look on my face that no bride should ever wear on her wedding day. The homicidal look. The “I will CUT you” look. My entire facial musculature has gone utterly slack with distaste. The look in my eyes, though, seems quite toned, quite taut. Something inside me is about to pop and I don’t think it’s my heart bursting from everlasting love. No. I am on the verge of a thrombosis. P’s look is more subtle, slightly less deadly, but I know this look. This is her look that says, “I’m trying to be polite, but seriously, what the HELL. is WRONG. with YOU??” I like her look so much better than mine. This look on me is not a good look. Nothing good ever comes from this look. This is not the look of the joyful “I do”; this is the look of “I, Tracey, take you, photographer …. and cut you and kill you and put a nice stop payment on your big fat check, you horrendous bossy weenie!”
He is lucky he survived to boss and condescend again.
I owe it all to long and frequent swigs from Mine Secrett Flafke of Spiritts hidden in Mine Ev’r Poof’d Fleeves.
//First remove the Ren Faire from your own eye, Trace//
I cannot stop laughing.
I am SO ASHAMED!!!
You look like the eye of Sauron there!!
//the guy hasn’t even realized his full buttmunch potential//
Hee, hee! That made me laugh! I like it – and is it ok if I quote it?
You look like Bette Davis just before she slaps the fool out of Errol Flynn.
It’s the Ren Faire, I think.
Okay, I first saw the photo and thought you were going to talk about some old black and white, maybe pre-talkie, movie. I was wondering which famous people one or more of you were, and which movie this might be, and why couldn’t I think of it, it looks somehow familiar…and is that girl in the white dress about to turn into a vampire or something?
But reality was much better.
//I think I thought I was being theatrical. And that I was.//
hahahahaha!
I’m so glad you didn’t have a thrombosis over the horrendous bossy weenie.
Those eyes mean business! You look as if you’re trying to absorb sweetness vibes from the little girl beside you.
Your descriptions of what I’ve become are so funny:
I am the eye of Sauron.
I am a soon-to-be vampire.
Basically, I am everything but a blissful bride in this photo. Hahahahaha. I can remember exactly how I felt in this moment and I had no idea C had captured it. If only I had Photoshop, I could have put some nice red lasers searing out of my eyeballs there. And I thought I was covering it up pretty well, actually. Sheesh, Trace.
Ah. The self-delusion of the Ren Faire participant.
By the way, entirely because of this post, I’ve named you among the recipients of the “You Make My Day” award. Because of your red laser eyes. 🙂
Jayne — What?! You gave me an award?? I am so touched — thank you!
Your friend kind of has this look of bemused incredulity. You look as though you’re asking yourself, “Am I gonna have to cut a b****?”
You’re gently nudging the child out of the way while she tells her sister, “Look away, this shant be pretty.” (“Shant” because of the whole Ren Faire and whatnot).
Note to self: Do Not hire photographer who has “chubby condescending ways.”
Hahahahahahaha
Yeah, the photo’s pretty awesome, though. I was tryng to understand how thw woman in the dress on the left and the children and bride on the right were in the same movie. You do have a certain classic movie uber young bette davis thing going on in this photo. But maybe it’s the “I will cut you.” look – she had really mastered that look. You look very pretty. And slightly dangerous. Which is an interesting look for a bride. 😉
…and I just went and looked at the photos in your previous wedding photo and I love them! They are all soft and glowing and you look lovely.
Brilliant! There are probably more brides than you realize who wear the “I will cut you” look on their wedding day.
I know I sent it at my poor sister who was sniffing during the ceremony. It was all I could hear…sniff. Sniff sniff. “I’m sorry, do I what? I couldn’t hear you over the honking snotty nose of my sister, there.”
She was crying tears of joy for me over my beautiful ceremony, and I shot her a silent death threat.
Thankfully, it was not caught on film…although the videographer caught a fleeting glance from behind, but you only see about 1/8th of my face, and just don’t get the full effect of imminent danger. He did manage to capture most of my sister’s face looking at me in utter horror and mouthing the word “sorry,” however. Not one of my finer moments.
Anyway…you’re not alone. People, especially chubby condescending photographers, should just not mess with brides on their wedding day. They are way too invested in it. Even so, you looked beautiful!!
The problem with most photographers is that they want their shot – so they don’t always get that this isn’t THEIR day. If we wanted our photgrapher to be part of the action, we’d have hired Jimmy Olsen, so stand back, wouldja?
C gets it. That’s how he got such a great shot of you (and for all its pouferie, it IS a great shot). Love the looks on your faces; I especially love that the kids are just looking off in one direction, into their own thing, while the two of you are plotting mayhem.
Cullen — I love the look on P’s face. Even more because I know her and I know how HARD she is trying to be civil and look calm in the moment.
I had no such qualms, apparently.
Marisa — Yeah. I did manage to calm down the deadly Bette Davis eyes for some of the photos. 😉 Interesting thing is, I almost never look at the photos the buttmunch took, but I love all our black and white ones.
MM — Hahahahaha! Your sister is forever on your video mouthing “sorry.” Poor little Sniffles. Woulda driven me crazy, too. Brides are just hyper-sensitive on their wedding day. Like we’re turned inside out or something.